Mad Girls
Where did my daughter get her anger? Uh
Lily is upset about noodles.
This is an understatement, the equivalent of saying that John McEnroe used to get upset at umpires’ calls at Wimbledon. 6-year-old Lily is upset about noodles. I put cold noodles in her lunch, not the hot ones she wanted, and as she picked her lunch up off the counter, the lack of a thermos tipped her off that this (like several other things this morning) has not gone according to plan.
She is tired. She is rushing through this Friday morning of her first week of first grade. The noodle question is unfixable at this late hour, but she can’t let it go – she’s still alternating between sobbing and yelling at me as she puts on her shoes. Lily’s siblings (4,5, and 9) are quietly gathering their things with their heads down. The air positively shimmers with Lily’s rage and my barely contained reaction to it, and they have seen all of this play out before. The 9-year-old gently moves to help the 4-year-old zip a jacket. I suck in a deep breath and try to help Lily, who can’t FIT her LUNCH INTO HER BACKPACK!!! She rears back and hits me.
“You didn’t pack my NOODLES!”
This all ends with Lily in her room with her father outside her door while I drive the other children to school on time, but in the car, I am shaking with fury. I’ll have to go back for her now after I drop the others off, I will get a late start at work, I’m so mad I can’t see straight, and she’s wrecked the whole day, just wrecked it! When I pick her up I’m going to make her sorry. Why does she have to be such a raving, raving, maniacal, daughter of a…
Yeah, well, that would be me. Because this isn’t just a question of a spoiled kid having a temper tantrum. I’ve seen kids lose it over being given the cup with the bear instead of the cup with a cat, and what happens to Lily is different – and bitterly familiar. I’ve struggled for years with black moods that can bring a whole family to its knees, brought on by a tendency to overreact to the little things and the inner conviction that once things have begun to go badly, they will continue to do so, probably forever. The monologue in my head matches the one in Lily’s precisely: something has gone wrong, nothing will ever go right again, and I want everyone else in the world to know it. There’s nothing like seeing yourself in your kids, but what do you do when the part you see is exactly the part you hate most?
When I see Lily in mid noodle-collapse, I’m not just upset by the fact that her antics will give the rest of us a miserable start to our day, I’m frustrated because I foresee decades of misery ahead for a kid who can’t bounce back from ordinary setbacks. It makes me crazy that I can know exactly how Lily feels but not be able to help, and my inability to fix this for her, ironically enough, makes me angry in the same way that Lily is angry: Why can’t she just be the way I want her to be?
And in the end, I’m filled with guilt over one huge, unavoidable factor: regardless of whether this is nature or nurture at work, somehow Lily’s misery is all my fault. If her mercurial temper is genetic, then she’s doomed to repeat my life’s work of being brought to my knees by every setback. If it’s nurture, then I’m clearly the one who’s taught her that when life gives you lemons, you absorb them into the essence of your being and spew them back as citrus-y bile. Either way, we both lose.
This is probably a good place to say that I don’t think this is a medical question for either of us. I understand that therapy and psycho-pharmacuticals work well for many people, but don’t think we’re among them. Whether I’ve passed on a Wednesday Addams gene or just been training up my own baby goth, I know from experience that that once you do conquer this particular personal demon (or, if you prefer, break this nasty habit), you gain a solid resource for dealing with the real stresses of life. The temper may be nature, but the self-control, I know you can nurture. But somehow watching Lily struggle with it brings out the worst in me. “I’ve already figured this out,” I want to scream. “Just take a deep breath and LET IT GO!”
She can’t do it. And when it comes to Lily, neither can I. Nothing in my life, at this point, makes me feel so helplessly enraged as watching Lily let the noodles be the ruination of her day. Thanks to years of meditation and self-improvement books, I can drop two full glass milk bottles on the floor and take cleaning up the mess in stride, but show me Lily sobbing over the fact that the skirt she promised her best friend she would wear to school is in the wash, and I’m going to lose it, too. Somehow, we’re stuck going right back through this together.
Maybe my lifetime of experience (and our matching rubber “just breathe” bracelets) will help Lily to learn earlier than I did that the bad things that happen are one thing, and the way we choose to react to them is another. But even though some days I feel like we’re making a little progress, I suspect I may have to find a way to take those deep breaths and let Lily get through this on her own. Because all the lessons I have to offer her really boil down to one simple mantra: don’t let it get to you.
And I can remember my mother saying that to me – when I was six years old.
I have a very similar struggle with my son. We are both very sensitive to our environment, and the short story is, his screaming makes me want to scream, even though I can keep it together with everyone else. It’s like I just hope he doesn’t end up like me.
I really related to this article, but I guess I would question the distaste for a therapy option – I suppose if you tried it and it didn’t work then that’s one thing, but if you haven’t tried it how can you know it doesn’t work?
I’m 30 years old, I’ve had problems with frustration and depression for as long as I can remember, about 6 months ago I finally got over my therapy prejudice and it’s been amazingly helpful. My therapist discharged me last week, so it’s not like every problem means that you go forever, you know what we did in therapy? We talked about ways to let it go, we talked about techniques to move past it – I learned how to take the deep breaths.
It’s awesome that you learned all that on your own, and probably your daughter will to – but wouldn’t be awesome if talking to someone for 4-6 months could help her get over it now?
Thanks for this article- I really relate as I had terrible temper tantrums as a child and coped with anger flare-ups for years later. But like the author, I eventually learned to deal with them. Maybe therapy would have helped, but it wasn’t my path. Now when I see my son struggle with the same thing, I also tell him to breathe and try to teach him how to calm himself down and see the big picture. He might be too young to “get it” exactly, (he’s 2) but I hope that my experience can at least help him get there faster than I did. And therapy should never be ruled out, but depending on the circumstances, it is not the only way to get there.
I’m not sure you should allow her to wreck your whole morning. You are giving her too much power. Screaming and hitting you is (obviously) bad behavior and a bad reaction, but you are legitimizing her overreaction by letting the whole morning (for her) grind to a halt and your morning to be derailed b/c of the noodles. It might help her to learn that the wrong noodles stop nothing from proceeding forward in a day, because when she gets older nobody and nothing (at work, at school, during a commute) will stop because she overreacts to a minor mishap. There may be better ways to handle the outbursts, I don’t know. I think you should try to visit with a child therapist (on your own) who can give you pointers and maybe some helpful solutions. I may not know what I’m talking about, but I doubt you are the only mom who has been down this road, so someone else will. I have a friend whose daughter is in therapy, and she says the most helpful part is the last 10 minutes where she herself (the mother) visits alone with the therapist and is given invaluable day-to-day tools to try out. Good luck!
After reading this a light went on for me. Thank you.
Please, anyone dealing with over-reactions like this – especially in kids – research the benefits of Omega-3 supplements. My pediatrician said he’d be tempted to prescribe then for everyone – child OR adult – if he could. But for my son, a simple, strong, but non-prescription strength supplement allowed him the control he needed over things like this.
Of course, always check with your own pediatrician, but at the least, maybe add more Omega-heavy fish to your diets!
It’s probably all that Disney she’s exposed to.
I go through this same scene almost daily!
It’s great to see that these comments are so supportive and kind. I think this is one of the hardest things about being a parent – seeing your own flaws played out in your children. I also have this anger/emotional thing, mostly under control except once in awhile yelling at the kids when I’m stressed out (like being late for school!!) And my daughter also gets so frustrated – like crying and melting when she’s practicing piano when she can’t figure out some notes. It’s so hard for me, with those same flaws, to deal with them in my daughter!! It’s really an ongoing struggle though I do think we are responsible as parents to change/better ourselves as much as we can.
Great post! I have an almost 6 year old who can display some near violent temper tantrums from time to time. It’s very developmentally appropriate for this age group, yet, as I like to say, it’s also socially unacceptable. If anyone is looking for great information on what is developmentally appropriate for different age groups, http://www.gesellinstitute.org provides wonderful information, books and resources for parents and educators.
When this happens w/my daughter, I walk away from the situation and allow her to calm down. I then walk through what happened once she is calm and can reflect on her behavior. Working through this exercise w/her and discussing how she reacted vs. how she could have reacted has helped her connect her actions to the affect they have on other people. Although this stage is temporary, I want to teach her skills that will help her “talk down” her anger on her own.
Simply punishing a child for the behavior (and I do believe in tough, natural consequences) does not teach her what to do next or how to handle future situations and disappointments. As parents, we need to do both, teach and discipline, which coincidentally, comes from the root word to teach.
Oh, I have one of these children too while my other 3 look at her and wonder why she’s freaking out again. Unlike the author my temperament is very low key and even keeled. I have a tendency to under-react, so I sooooo don’t get it. It was helpful to me to hear from an adult who has learned to manage the feelings. I hope we will teach our daughter how to channel all that passion in a positive direction. (We did try therapy — not helpful at the time, but we are open to going back in the future. Also – using Omega 3 supplements and I do believe they help.)
One day when she’s older, some other kid will hit her back and that will be the end of her mouthing off about things that are unimportant. There will come a day when she realizes she is not the boss and then she’ll learn better self control. Until that day, you’ll be having alot more disruptive mornings.
Thank you for writing this – I struggle with this too. These aren’t regular tantrums, they are an approach to life and like the author, I tend to flair-up or overreact at first. However, unlike my 4 year old, I react and then I get over it and get on with my day; my 4 year old just can’t yet. Her brother and sister do what the author’s other children do – watch in amazement, wonder what went so wrong, so fast and sort of cling together as their sister screams and they feel me tense up. At 4 I can try to teach her to move on, offer alternatives, but the fact is, she’s stuck in the mood. I don’t think it’s a matter of who is in control of the house either – we send her to her room or another room is she’s being disruptive, and tell her she can be upset, but doesn’t have permission to disrupt the whole house. But it’s those moments when she starts, it does change the whole house, the whole mood – it’s dealing with the moods and then not being able to involve myself with something the other kids need, or watching them cover their ears from their sister’s yelling a crying. She is a passionate child, and she loves, plays and gets upset fiercely. We’ve tried a therapist too, who tried to teach her some techniques and some things to do when she got so upset, but I think when they are young, it’s so hard to get themselves out of that place.
I felt exhausted ready this article. Why so much chaos in the morning?
If Lily is prone to breakdowns why haven’t you figured out with her and your other children what they are all wearing the night before. Why haven’t you told them what is going in their lunches the next day – wouldn’t that be a perfect time for them to personalize their preferences and I don’t know then they know what to expect. Was that news to you in the morning that she wanted to wear a specific skirt or did you overlook her wants the night before?
I understand black moods, but I also suspect that you know when they are about to flare up because as a parent we have a pretty good idea of how scenarios can go either way. I am shocked that you allow your daughter to manipulate your and your family’s day. She needs learn that it isn’t all about her, and maybe you also need to learn that along with her.
I am in no way a very organized person, but I do anticipate how my children may or may not react. Having their life organized allows me to go at a calmer pace. I see my 6 yr old son in myself all the time, and when I see those not attractive traits I do try to steer him in a more positive direction and I do make a mental note of it to myself that I need to be a better example!
My 5 yo daughter can get like this too. The best thing for her is if we do NOT engage. I just leave her alone to get over it herself because if I try to help or punish, it just gets worse. If leaving her alone doesn’t work then we tell her she can either calm down, or go to her room (and we will carry her there if she doesn’t do it). It’s hard to watch. I used to throw the occasional enormous tantrum at that age and my family would just stare at me in horror, or worse, would laugh, and it was awful. So, I really try to stay calm myself and say something empathic (“I know you hate it when your socks are twisted. Let me know if you want any help”)and then walk a few steps away and go on with my business, and usually that works. Obviously it’s harder in the morning when you’re trying to get them to school. So far, we had 2 bad mornings but made it to the bus (once we had to carry her, but once she saw her friends there, she was fine). I am going to try the Omega 3 supplements mentioned below! Thanks for the tips.
I can totally relate. I have exactly the same problem and attribute it to exactly the same genetic pool.
wow, Lisa @ 9:49 am – i think we all aspire to be as good of a parent as you are. thank you for reminding us that while most of us are flawed, there are some people out there who are perfect.
+1 i can totally relate.
with due respect to the other commenters, those saying that you shouldn’t “let” your child ruin the morning probably can’t relate to your particular plight. maybe they have a kid with an angry temper, but i’m betting they don’t struggle with their own anger in the same way. people who don’t experience that intense frustration have a hard time imagining it. on those chaotic mornings, it’s all we can do to control ourselves, let alone our kids!
kudos to those who’ve admitted this affliction and have worked through it. i’m still in the process (aren’t we all?) and would love to hear your strategies for keeping cool.
How about you, you know, DISCIPLINE your damn kid so she learns that it’s not ok to flip out & hit her mother over NOODLES???
Just sayin’…
Lisa – you have no idea. Our son behaves in this manner and we don’t give in to him. We are organized. We plan and give notice. He is disciplined for his actions. However, he is extremely stubborn and needs to act out the whole horrible tantrum to get his frustration out, even if he knows he will have consequences, even though he knows he won’t win. These kids are different: you have NO idea.
The author insists that therapy and psychopharmaceuticals won’t work on her or her daughter, yet a few sentences later she admits,
Thanks to years of meditation and self-improvement books, I can drop two full glass milk bottles on the floor and take cleaning up the mess in stride,
Umm…that’s therapy.
And I truly feel sorry for her daughter because if she could get professional help at a young age, it would save her years of unhappiness and struggle.
Just because the author fell upon self help books to change her reactions, doesn’t guarantee her daughter will.
I totally agree with Lisa. If Lisa’s plan does not work (getting your daughter involved) then really I think the only other logical step is get her some psychological help (seeing the school psychologist could be a cost free alternative), this coming from a psychologist (me). Lily can’t read the books you did and it seems that you (understandably) cannot adequately convey to her the messages you learned because you are too emotionally tied to the problem but she needs to learn and as you said, the sooner the better! Stop feeling guilty and having your whole family affected by one child’s mood and do something about this now before it mounts into a much larger problem for Lily and your entire family.
whoa “dawdler” how you got perfect out of me commenting that there was a lot of chaos going on is beyond me. Asking your kids what they want to wear and what they would prefer in their lunches the night before for the most part equals a less stressful morning. It is something that works for my family and I only have 2 children opposed to 4. Did I need to mention that one of my children goes into slow mode when the rush is on, that stubbornness is a family trait – really giving examples of my family wasn’t an issue here or was it?
The comments about the story seem as important as the story. Struggling to make one’s way through being a parent is neverending work. It calls us to attention. It causes us to be self-aware and to be responsible. A little girl who becomes so furious over cold noodles that she can disrupt a whole family’s morning is in pain over something more significant than noodles. She’s learning, though, that she has power and by letting loose her pain and anger she causes a reaction and that reaction probably causes her more pain. What a weird combination and a horrible cycle. The author says she knows this cycle. She admits she suffers from this problem herself. She doesn’t seem to have a solution, so many of us want to help. Some kind hearted folks suggest that she shouldn’t abandon the idea of therapy and give compelling reasons why. Other kind-hearted folks offer support. In all of this I see people who are struggling to find appropriate answers and methods to solve the problem. The parenting theories that seem scary to me are the ones coming from readers who in harsh, blunt language call for more discipline. In other words, they say shut the kid up. Show her who’s boss. Simple as that. Scaring and quieting children doesn’t make the problem go away. Sometimes trying to scare and quiet a kid only makes a situation worse. I hope that by chance if any of those readers find themselves with a child who doesn’t conform to their rules that they learn how to open their hearts just a bit.
I wonder if Lily reacts like that in situations outside the home. The author did not write anything recalling Lily’s angry reactions in school, friend’s houses or grandma’s house while the author was not present. I figure it could be genetic but at the same time Lily knows the reaction she will get from her mom and feed on it.
At the same time, (not to justify Lily hiting her mom) but why will you try to help her after she has yelled at you over noddles. I she would have let her struggle with putting her lunch in her backpack, Lily will understand, eventually, that getting angry over everything only makes things more difficult for her and will only isolate her from everybody.
The yelling and sobbing, I understand, she is frustrated, but the hiting is not acceptable. Let her deal with her anger and let her know that you will be there once she calms down, otherwise she is on her own to deal with her anger.
Lisa’s advice is very sensible, but Beth and momof3 are spot on. because this fury isn’t about the skirt or the noodles, but a tendency toward frustration and no amount of planning can [or should] shield Lily from that. and when mom engages her Lily may read it as a sort of endorsement of these powerful feelings. I encourage giving Lily a safe, private, non-punitive place to play out her thunderstorm and following up [much later. when temperatures have returned to normal.] with a loving, two-way discussion of what she was feeling and other ways she could express it.
Maybe you need to introduce Lily to some people who have real difficulties like not enough food to eat, no place to live so she can see that what she views as a trauma, is really nothing more than self-indulgance. She may be living in too much of a box to see that her “problems” are less important in the larger scope.
Our mornings are exactly like this every day. People who do not have a volatile child are great at dispensing useless advice about discipline and consequences. I highly recommend the book “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene. Also, Parent-Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) is often very successful in turning things around with children who haven’t developed the ability to be flexible or handle frustration.
Hey KJ – if there’s any silver lining here, maybe it’s this: the fact that Lily feels SAFE enough with you to blow up in your face speaks volumes about what a good and nurturing parent you’ve been to her. If Lily had MY mother instead of you, she’d have been soundly beaten the first time she talked back. No doubt, terrorizing me made life easier for my mother – being so afraid of her rage and violence made me a *ridiculously* well-behaved child. But what made life easier for her made MY life a living trauma, and boy have I had to work hard in therapy to deal with THAT doozy. It’s true that Lily will have to learn new ways of coping if she wants to be happy, but until she reaches that level of maturity, she knows in her gut that her mom will love her, protect her, and never abandon her no matter how much she screams. That’s quite a gift you’ve given her, and that bedrock trust will form the foundation of her relationships to come. Take heart in that, and hang in there – you’re doing yeoman’s work, and it will pay off in the end.
Hi. I have a 9 year old who is JUST LIKE your daughter. I have been searching for a solution her whole life. It is so upsetting. 5 months ago, I finally say a psychiatrist. She thinks Klaire has anxiety. I agreed to try Klaire on Zoloft. A few months after starting it, I started getting notes home from her teacher about daily meltdowns, getting more aggressive, fidgety. So now we are going slowly off Zoloft. Klaire sees a therapist at school weekly and now another therapist outside of school every other week. I am desperate to help her. I wish you luck. I am coming to the realization that her childhood may be rocky and painful and that is hard to accept.
Wow. I’ve been dealing with this exact feeling my whole life (I’m 17). I’ve been seeing a therapist about it – she says it’s anxiety. It’s so difficult to “just breath” and not let it “get to you,” because when you’re in that state of mind, *nothing* is logical. Loonybinster is right about one thing: she feels comfortable with you. I would never blow up like that in front of anyone else but my mom, ’cause she’s my rock. All I can say is that, when you’re in that mode, it helps to talk it out. I’d rather have someone agree with me and tell me that it’s *okay* to be mad, than have someone tell me to suck it up.
Also…don’t take Arty’s advice. That doesn’t work. Trust me, the only way I’ve been able to get over my anger issues is to have someone to reassure me that life sucks (weird, I know). Being reasonable isn’t gonna cut it. Sure, in your logical mind, you know that your little problems are nothing compared to the homeless, or the starving. But in your emotional mind? Nothing is as important as the cold noodles.