In Our House, There’s No Santa Claus – Why we don’t tell our kids
Why we wont tell our kids about Santa
I was at a holiday party the other night when a friend sighed and declared, “Gotta go home and move the elf.”
I couldn’t help but shake my head a little and sigh to myself, admittedly with an air of righteousness, knowing we’d never say that in my home.
My husband didn’t understand the reference, so I explained to him what “Elf on a Shelf” was, to the best of my knowledge.
“So, basically they use scare tactics and bribery to get their kids to behave?” he paraphrased. And I nodded, again with a slight air of disbelief.
Another friend of mine has a direct line to Santa. She calls him periodically and loudly proclaims, “Hi Santa, it’s Gigi’s mom…” More rapidly than an eagle, little Gigi gets to work doing whatever Mommy asked her to do in the first place. I can’t help but wonder how Gigi will behave come December 26.
Meanwhile, in our home, my husband and I work very hard to encourage our kids simply to be good for – to quote a popular Christmas song – goodness’ sake. Throughout the day, when my two-year-old son cries, I ask my four-year-old daughter if she can think of a way to make him feel better. The slightest hug or kiss from her is all my son needs to immediately pop back to happiness. And then I’ll quietly nudge my daughter and point out: “You did that! You got him to feel good again.” And we share a quick, tender smile before she goes back to being a robot or astronaut or baker.
My two-year-old was born into the loving and kind family environment my husband and I try to maintain. When he hears a kid cry, he automatically pouts in empathy. He is quick to dole out hugs or kisses to people he knows when he sees them in distress. And, of the few dozen words he uses, “I’m sorry” are two.
So the notion of encouraging my kids to be good in order to make Santa’s “nice” list really troubles me. Not only does it completely undermine my authority, but it’s pure extrinsic motivation.
I am not trying to pretend that my kids are saints, always behaving appropriately out of the sheer joy of being nice. Nor do I posit that children who believe in Santa are not otherwise good people. But how kids think of Santa Claus represents, for me, all that is not Christmas spirited: receiving instead of giving, greed instead of gratefulness, idle wanting instead of active contributing. And encouraging my children to write letters to him or make Christmas lists or be good because he’s watching encourages all the wrong things for me. I want whatever goodness does come out of my children to be for the right reasons. I want them to be people who are simply good and kind and honest, as I try to be (well, most of the time:).
Granted, when I was a child, I believed in Santa, though I realized he was fictitious long before my parents told me. (I remember feeling a little embarrassed for my mother when she finally outed the guy.) But in my naïve days, there was a certain magic about Christmas Day and the night before, believing the man would fly to my house and bring me presents because he’d been watching me and knew I’d been good. But had I? Had I been good?
I remember being a child sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall, nervously hoping he’d only heard good things (this, just moments after kicking my sister as we stood in the long line). So then when Santa confirmed I was on the nice list and presents were coming my way, I remember feeling – even as a young child – how I had gotten one over on the old man.
This year, now that my daughter is of an age where she could truly believe in Santa and be consumed by the magic and thrill of believing, I wasn’t willing to let him come down our chimney.
My friend with the ever-watching elf thinks I am cruel. She thinks it’s truly sad that I have robbed my children of the magic of the holiday. But I don’t see it. My kids still enjoy reading about Santa – as much as they enjoy reading about Harold and his purple crayon or The Cat in the Hat, magical characters who are not actually real but still capture a child’s imagination. My kids will still wake up on Christmas morning to see a sparkling tree with a modest bounty of presents underneath.
But more importantly, they will also give gifts to the less fortunate, say thank you for what gifts they receive and continue to be kind and do the right thing. It will be a magical day because we will have a house full of people plus gifts and music and food. The lights will still twinkle and the decorations still shine. No one needs to sit on a shelf or a keep a list for us. The day will be special simply because it’s Christmas – even if Santa skips our house.
Guess I just don’t like the either/or tone. Either your kids are selfish and being manipulated to be good for santa, or they aren’t and donate gifts to those less fortunate. You can “play santa” AND think of others. And the # of years that kids believe is so few … I’d say just relax about it. I know some people who don’t like the santa thing for Christmas, but they definitely don’t show contempt for those who play along. You really can have both.
I’m with you. We had the same belief with our daughter. I couldn’t stand to be one of those parents who chant the “be good, or you won’t get any presents” mantra.
My daughter knows that Santa is not real. Or rather, we’ve emphasized the spirit of giving. If you ask my daughter where she can find Santa, she will say that Santa is in our hearts. Everyone can be a Santa, because we’ve taught her that Christmas is all about helping others and giving (not getting) gifts.
Each year before Christmas, we sit down with her and go through her toys in her room. She picks out some toys or stuffed animals that she’s outgrown, and we donate them to a local charity. That way, she knows that she’s making a difference. (And we have the added benefit of having room to put her new toys!)
Santa is one of the most selfless and giving characters in our culture. We have always told our children that his “giving” to others should be imitated, and that that spirit goes hand in hand with the birth of Christ — since on Jesus’ birthday, children receive presents. Are our children perfect? No. Do we use Elf on a Shelf? No, but I know parents who do and have a wonderful time of it. It is a memory. When my children are my age, I hope they remember the magical time of Christmas. Inept parenting injures children, and certainly not the notion of Elf on a Shelf or Santa.
right on. I am completely disturbed by that creepy little elf on the shelf. My 3 year old loves the “Santa Claus is coming to town” song… I think it’s sketchy – santa is watching you constantly?? You’d better not cry??
We also focus on being good (or trying), not by bribes of presents and santa, but because it’s the right thing and is a part of proper socialization. The punishment of “santa won’t bring you toys” is weird and mean!
You kind of sound like a someone who thinks they are better than everyone and who thinks their kids are as well. We teach about giving and do that all year round. Santa is not as big in our house but my kids are still fairly young. I’m disappointed in this article.
everyone is entitled to their own opinion however – i really do get the impression with the way this is written that you are looking down on those who do believe in santa&tell their children to believe in santa. In this day and age and in this sometimes very fast pace of life, if your children are “playing up” or being a little naughty then what is wrong in telling them that santa may not come, is this not in some way teaching them the consequence of their actions – if they dont act well or behave they wont get as much as they are probably expecting. i reapeat again however that everyone is entitled to their opinion, its just a shame that for the few precious years that children really do believe in the magic of xmas, and are totally innocent, you feel that you cant fully get into it yourself….happy holidays
Santa belongs in the same category as the Easter Bunny, Leprechauns, Fairies (Tooth and otherwise), and Valentine’s Day Cherubs who shoot arrows with hearts on them – complete foolishness and frippery. Children should not waste precious time engaging in fantasy.
I think you’re confusing a bunch of issues here. First of all, desire is not the same as greed. It is perfectly okay and normal for children to desire things, because they are young and have little or no recourse to get things for themselves. For kids, Christmas and birthdays are times they can actually look forward to getting some things that they have desired. That’s not bad! Greed is a completely different thing, and there are definitely some greedy kids out there, but it has NOTHING to do with whether or not they believe in Santa and everything to do with the other ways that they are raised. Secondly, many (and indeed, most) kids I know who believe in Santa are concerned with him as a person. My own child and my friends’ children have all, at one point or another, asked if Santa gets anything for Christmas. The whole milk and cookies thing is an offering for the generous soul who gives to children. Kids aren’t just excited about Santa for his presents, but for the idea that someone who doesn’t actually “know” them personally gives generously from his heart, with love. What a splendid thing to teach your children – to be more like Santa! I was raised in a Santa house and I never thought of it as a lie once I gradually realized he wasn’t “real,” but more as a beautiful story that I got to partake in as a child. Thirdly, you don’t like others using Santa as a parenting tool? So don’t do it yourself. Who says Santa has to be a weapon? So what if there’s a song that says “He knows if you’ve been bad or good?” If you don’t like that part, just tell your kids that the person who wrote the song is mistaken. In my house, the whole “be good or Santa won’t come to the house” thing was always something my parents said jokingly. We always knew Santa would come no matter what. BTW, even though you claim to know your kids aren’t saints and that other kids who believe in Santa are also good, your piece comes off totally holier-than-thou and as if you believe the opposite. As a kid, I was always totally excited to make secret and surprise gifts for others (in fact, my siblings and I made stockings for our parents every year and filled them with stuff we made and bought ourselves with our own money). My kids are equally excited to give gifts to others, including the many needy children out there. It’s my favorite part of the holiday and it is one of their favorite aspects as well. So yes, you CAN believe in Santa and be a good person too!
Whatevs. I think I may be finally getting fed up with Babble. I feel like the magazine consists almost exclusively of a) articles judging other people’s births, feeding, TV allowances, sleep practices, etc. ad infinitum, and b) articles decrying the way moms judge moms.
I think you’re coming from an adults perspective when the magic of Christmas should come from a child’s. Santa isn’t about being realistic or about using him as a parenting “tool”, which is something your friend has decided to do, not something you would have to do (you’re using it as a cop out to not have santa in your home). Santa is about believing in miracles and magic and being a child… its sad that you’ve placed adult expectations on your children so soon… you’re only little once and only get to believe in things so long too soon they will realize all of these things aren’t real and what the world is really like.
As a teacher of elementary school students I see another fundamental problem with Santa. Every year the kids talk about their wish list and what they are going to get from Santa, and every year without fail the upper class kids get their wishes. While the lower, more poverished children don’t get satisfied. Are they doomed to think they were not as good, or righteous as the others? It makes me sad. I have a newborn so I don’t have to decide what I will do right this moment about Christmas, but I do know I will not have my child walking around believing they must be good to receive presents for 1 month out of the year. I also agree in the spirit of helping others and want my child to experience this also.
Im glad youve found a way to celebrate that you are comfortable with, but jeez, your tone is certainly very self-congratulatory. Lets put aside for a second what a childhood without Santa will mean to your kids (and, trust me, this is a topic that is sure to come up again and again at family gatherings when your kids are grown), Im more troubled over what you are missing out on as a parent. Santa is also a big part of a parents life, of the adult world. Playing along can lead to some naughty behavior (like the direct line to Santa), but it also teaches a certain kind of grace that parents need, teaches adults how to be happy for their children AND not take credit for that happiness, which is all part of letting your kids grow up, letting them achieve, letting them ask for and be whatever they want. Because face it, sitting on Santas lap is about as close to a job interview as any 5 year old will ever beand from the tone of this piece it sure seems like you could stand to step aside a bit and let someone elseimagined or otherwisetake some credit for your kids happiness and growth. It takes a village, as they sayand Santa is a right jolly neighbor.
I’m with others who don’t really enjoy the tone of this article. My son is 2 1/2 and has really embraced the idea of Santa this year, but we don’t focus on the nice/naughty part, just the fun-loving guy who brings you presents on Christmas. There have been legions of children who grew up believing in Santa, and I’m sure they didn’t all grow up to be greedy, soulless misers focused only on themselves. In fact, one of my favorite holiday traditions, and one that I share with my son, is choosing a Salvation Army angel to buy gifts for. Contrary to what you might think, it is possible to leave cookies for Santa and care about humanity.
Also, Aaron, children are exactly the ones who should spend their time engaging in fantasy. Have you ever heard of playing house or school or dress-up? Imagination is actually a very helpful thing to have in life. Scrooge.
I’m not going to take a stand either way because I know plenty of good, giving people who teach their children about Santa Claus buy I also know plenty of equally good people who don’t.
I’d just like to add that as someone who was raised Jewish, therefore no Santa Claus, it is completely possible to grow up into a nice, normal, generous (I won’t compliment myself too much) person without ever having believed in Santa. I think it’s all how it’s handled.
So what, you don’t do Santa. Big deal. But I agree with jrl that it doesn’t have to be either/or.
We do Santa in our house — why? because it’s fun — though we don’t emphasize the “naughty or nice” aspect of it. (They’re going to get presents regardless, right?) Honestly, I’ve never heard of “Elf on a Shelf.”
But how exactly does allowing Santa into our house preclude “giving gifts to the less fortunate, saying thank you for what gifts you receive and continuing to be kind and do the right thing?”
I do think a lot of people who don’t tell their kids about Santa are mainly uncomfortable with the “fib” aspect of it – these are people who like to be clear with their families about when stories are stories, and when they are real. I understand that position. But I do also think there is a large spectrum of human behavior – I know plenty of families who tell their kids to believe in Santa, but are otherwise clear about honesty and truthfulness and reality. As kids grow up, their brains evolve – humans are good with dealing with complexity, and we are even OK with rules that have exceptions. Like, don’t lie to people – but the Santa story is an OK exception. Or, if you believe this – killing is wrong, but sometimes war is needed or the death penalty is merited. Nothing in life really has no exceptions, and so I think the “no-fib” contingent should be able to understand that kids who grow up with Santa don’t need to be liars or confused about honesty – they are simply given an example of a rule with an exception in a context they understand, when they’re ready for it. Full disclosure – we won’t tell our kids about Santa either. But I think that the Santa experience can be really valuable if you do.
tel mi bout santa cluse
How can you not believe in someone who is definitely real? I know Santa is real because how else would my little sister and I have heard those jinglebells and hoofbeats on our roof as we lay together in our bed on Christmas Eve, 1978? I mean, you don’t think that my FATHER would have gone to the trouble to climb up there and do that, do you? In the freezing dark? At midnight? Go to all that trouble just to make us shiver with delight for that one, special moment in our childhoods? No way, because as you say, parents who encourage their kids to believe in Santa or elves (and probably no good characters like fairies as well) are only doing it to CONTROL and MANIPULATE their children, not to give their kids the amazing gift of joy and wonder and make-believe. So Santa has to be real. (I hope you enjoyed this bit of pretzel logic I’ve offered in my comment as much as I enjoyed the author of this essay’s convoluted attempts to justify her perfectly reasonable choice to eschew Santa in her household by asserting that were she to do otherwise, her kids would grow up bratty and selfish.)
Oh, dear. A bit too sanctimonious. One of the hardest things to do is write about parenting without getting preachy. We don’t study too much about rhetoric, the art of argument, not put-downs or sound-bites, and it’s a shame. I would love to see you re-write this post using persuasion with a different tone. You wanna?
How is the view up there from your high horse?
Wow. Santa is part of our lives and so is the Elf on the Shelf. Neither are used to manage behavior! They’re just part of the magic of the season. We love looking to see where the elf will be. We don’t threaten with him or with Santa. To me, Santa represents someone who does nice things for others without any expectation of getting anything in return, as well as the innocence and magic of being a child.
“‘So, basically they use scare tactics and bribery to get their kids to behave?’ he paraphrased. And I nodded, again with a slight air of disbelief.”
Should have stopped reading there… All of the negative comments this woman will inevitably get are just going to fuel her superiority.
I think the tone of the article is fine. No matter what the tone, someone who disagrees with the article would be commenting about “high horses” and “better than thou”.
I agree that the magic of Christmas isn’t lost without Santa. For me that magic was in baking cookies with mom, going for snow walks with dad, decorating the tree and making presents for grandma. Maybe I am one in a million who as a kid thought about things way too much, but the whole Santa lie really caused some cognitive dissonance for me. It made me mistrust my parents, school, and all authority. I really believe the lie damaged me and I refuse to do that to my kids. I will still tell them stories about Santa, but in the same context as any other story, where they know it’s made up. And I’ll tell them about St. Nikolas, who gave unselfishly to so many children. I don’t think they’ll be missing out on anything.
I still encourage my son to write to Santa or to let him know that we are going to see him, but only for the magic of Santa. Like you, I will not choose Santa or anything else to do my parenting for me. That is my job and I do not want my son to behave good because he is afraid of something but because he knows that everything we do, have consequences and is up to him what if they are good or bad.
I too was left shacking my head after I found out about the “Elf on a Shelf” but it did not surprised me at all since it came from a dad who’s (according to him) spits out her food at the table and only eats about 4 foods because she refuses to eat anything else, *sigh*. Can we really blame the kids for misbehaving????
Thanks for all the comments. My apologies if the tone sounds superior. (I am honestly just that appalled by Elf on a Shelf!). I am glad we all feel good about how we choose to (or not to) celebrate Christmas. Thats part of the beauty of the holiday: so many family traditions that differ from household to household.
I particularly appreciated Meela Frees comment about who receives what from Santa. Sadly, he is not quite so magical for those who could use his magic the most.
And that is why there are organizations like Angel Tree that let the community come out and purchase gifts for children in need. Our household focuses on giving more than receiving because we know we are blessed in life. We spend a huge amount on Operation Shoebox, Angel Tree, and Toys for Tots. The Santa Clause aspect is just an extra goody like the tooth fairy or Easter Bunny. We also read books about Jesus and focus on other things like family dinners and seeing family that lives far away. Just remember there are plenty of people out there that celebrate the way they want to and are not beneath you for doing so. As long as our children know they are loved, cherished and to pass this on to others I think we have done our job.
I remember being absolutely crushed when my friend’s older brother dispelled the myth of Santa to me. Crushed. I also remember the discussion with my mother after this event where she was incredibly supportive and we talked through my disappointment and what it all meant to me. All this is to say that have still have conflicted feelings about this issue and can see both sides of the argument. I don’t think anyone enjoys the moment (or moments in life) when you find out you are being naive about something but it is always important to engage our children to discuss such matters. This is, essentially, what I believe is at the heart of this article.
I am really moved by your essay because I have been defending the same inclinations for years … even before we had children! And when I noticed that you blog in the Philadelphia area, I could’ve just gotten up and gone to find you to say ‘hey! me too!
’ (but we’re not moving to PA for another year 
)
Sounds like your parents may have ruined it for you, using Santa as a scare tactic, if you sat on Santa’s lap “nervously hoping he’d heard only good things.” Ouch. No wonder you have this overblown, overreactive aversion to Santa when it comes to your own kids. It’s a shame. I always believed that kids were all basically good, and all got visits from Santa. I was wise enough to realize that all of that “better watch out, better not cry” rigamarole was just grownups’ way of trying to use that wonderful old fat man to get me to do what they wanted me to. Kids may love the fantasy of Santa Clause, but they’re not stupid!
And Aaron Peters, I hope you’re kidding, because if you aren’t, shame on you. The most precious of kids’ time is that spent on fantasy.
I mean Santa Claus, not Clause../.
I grew up without Santa. It was fine, I guess. I had a pretty unremarkable childhood. In fact I don’t really have that many stand out memories at all. But, I was raised honest, empathetic, and giving. So I suppose it was fine (right?). I was always the serious kid and that particular disparity was just one more thing I felt disconnected from my friends about, but, whatever. I mean, I turned out OK without Santa, right?
My husband put his foot down when I tried to pull the “no Santa” thing in our home. I was just so unfamiliar with the lore and how to relate to my kids about Santa, so I tried to cop out. Pulled from the brink by my Santa-loving husband, we have been enjoying the family experience that Santa brings ever since. The dreaming, the waiting, the postulating (how DO those reindeer fly?).
The only thing the elves do is drop new PJ’s on our doorstep on Christmas Eve. I don’t threaten them with good vs. bad behavior. They know that Santa brings presents out of love. And he’s not the only source of presents, mommy and daddy and grandparents and friends have all added to the pile under the tree! We also find ways for the children to give. It doesn’t always have to be just about receiving (or intimidation).
I use Santa, bribes, idle threats to get the kids to behave. But that isn’t what Santa is about and never has been. If you don’t get that, there’s not a lot to say.
Oh my we have both Santa AND Elf on the Shelf in our house. It is not a tool to make my kids mind it is fun. The sheer delight on their face every morning when they find “Elliot” is priceless. Reading your article made me angry! Seriously, we do for the community and for others, my children know the true meaning of Christmas. Just because we choose to let our children BE children and enjoy their childhood which frankly goes by WAY to fast does not mean we are not teaching morals and manners to our children.
truly insulted!!
Santa is real; if only you would just believe.
We do have Santa visit us but as a new mom I am very interested in the wide Santa-spectrum that I am seeing in my friend’s households and am trying to figure out where we stand on Santa. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I believe that you don’t have to eliminate Santa completely in order to raise compassionate, trusting, well behaved kids….but you do have to reign him in! I am always so glad to see parents who think rather than simply follow the herd, thanks for posting!
I’m going along with the whole Santa thing with my 4 year old but uncomfortable about it. I want her to enjoy a game of pretending but I will be happy for her to realise it is pretend. I just don’t want to upset other mums when my child tells the secret at school. (She has already shocked with a graphic description of how babies are born.) I think she already knows as she told me today that someone said Santa was just a man in a suit. I feigned ignorance about Santa but we have explained that we buy presents for friends at Christmas (rather than leaving it that Santa brings them all). She has been to see Santa and his reindeer but I want her to be more aware that Christmas is about Jesus.
I know that there are very few parents who read babble who actually want to get into “icky” stuff like Christianity, but, you know, you could always look back at the ancient St Nicholas, whose legend eventually evolved into Santa Claus. St Nicholas was a leader of the church who was revered for his humility and for helping the poor (but only in secret, b/c he was so humble). Our kids (4 and 3) know that Santa Claus is pretend, though they still enjoy spotting him and his reindeer about town. They do, however, know that St Nicholas was real, and that we follow St Nicholas’s example by helping others and giving to the poor. Here’s a real-life model to show your kids selfless and humble love! Also, since we celebrate St Nick’s Day on Dec 6, the kids get an extra day of sweets and small gifts. =)
Oh, and I was long ago one of those terrible kids who told the neighbors that Santa wasn’t real (Santa was banned from my house as a girl). They’ve reminded me of it a few times since then — every time they do, I feel terrible. I mean, maybe their parents shouldn’t have lied to them about a fat man in a red suit, but why didn’t my parents explicitly forbid me from telling any other kids the truth? Or did they, and I just didn’t listen? Either way, if you insist on telling your kids the truth make sure that they know that it’s a secret to be kept from other kids. Otherwise, they’re going to be “that jackass who told me about Santa” their whole lives in someone else’s mind!
A quote from Hogfather (Terry Pratchet book) sums up my views:
Death: Humans need fantasy to *be* human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
Susan: With tooth fairies? Hogfathers?
Death: Yes. As practice, you have to start out learning to believe the little lies.
Susan: So we can believe the big ones?
Death: Yes. Justice, mercy, duty. That sort of thing.
Susan: They’re not the same at all.
Death: You think so? Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder, and sieve it through the finest sieve, and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet, you try to act as if there is some ideal order in the world. As if there is some, some rightness in the universe, by which it may be judged.
Susan: But people have got to believe that, or what’s the point?
Death: You need to believe in things that aren’t true. How else can they become?
To each his/her own, but I think Santa has a place. Not so much for the threats & rewards, but so kids learn how to imagine and believe in things they can’t see and don’t have direct, hard evidence for.
Sanctimonious much? I can’t roll my eyes hard enough. Btw, you’re raising your daughter to be codependent.
I don’t like Santa because this fictitious character takes credit for my financial expenditures on gifts. In spite of this, I let my kids believe in Santa because his story makes them happy. One of these days, they won’t hear the sleigh bell anymore, but until then, I will cherish their naivete.
We don’t do Santa here. One thing that I hate is when people tell us that we took the ‘magic’ out of Christmas. The magic of Christmas is what you make it! To US, the magic is the birth of Jesus and giving, NOT getting. Yes our children know who santa is, they just both know that he is just a guy in a suit and all of the presents come from Mom, Dad, family and friends. Just because we don’t believe in santa, we have informed our children that some do. Just as we have told them that there are some people that do not believe that Jesus Christ is the Messiah and we do, some believe that santa is real and we don’t so it isn’t nice to go around telling them he isn’t real. My 6 y/o understands this completely and keeps mum whenever the topic of santa comes up with his friends. My 4 y/o on the other hand, needs constant reminder that it isn’t nice to tell all of his friends that santa is a figment of their imagination!
Goody good golly for you. I’ve had my fill of sanctimonious kill joys for one season. Haven’t you just got it all wrapped up in a bow? Merry merry and ho ho ho – I like the way we do things and really do not care to hear anymore of these “we killed Santa and we’re GLAD, but oh so sad for the rest of you demented souls…”. A big lump of coal right back at ya…
I really wonder how so many seemingly intelligent people can so greatly miss the point about Santa Claus. You’re caught up in the details of the story – the travelling around the world in one night in a sleigh pulled by flying reindeers, the workshop fuelled by elves, etc. You’re missing the whole moral of the story. Santa is about the spirit of giving, of love, of miracles and magic, about the incredible depth of charity that is present in the human spirit. The fact that so many people in so many walks of life will go to such great lengths to provide young children with that moment of possibility and magic – THAT is the point. WE are Santa’s helpers. And I think if you asked any kid if they would like their parents to perpetuate this spirit for them or to burst that bubble right from the get-go, well,… hmmm. I’m so sorry that you missed the point, and that you are encouraging others to, too. I believe with every fibre of my being in Santa Claus, and so do my kids. And I am proud to be part of Santa’s inner circle.
Thank you for telling your story. I don’t know why people feel the need to comment negatively, or at all really. Seriously, you’re sharing your views, not forging movement to ban Santa Claus. I think people get mad because they think all parents should perpetuate the Santa myth, and you’re not playing along. Why is it sanctimonious to tell the truth? Well, I am in agreement with you and when I have kids I will tell them the truth too.
Gosh, you’re such a superior little b*tch, aren’t you?
Awesome Awesome Awesome Post!!! I completely admire your parenting & hope to do the same during this season one day when I have kids!
I plan to raise my kids without lies- including Santa- I remember the conversation my parents & I had when I found out the Easter bunny & Santa were fake- my response “Is God fake too??” My plan is not to lie to my kids so they are always able to depend on me as their mom- not add more stumbling blocks to that as I’m sure there will be many….
What people said. We have Father Christmas. We never, ever use him to encourage good behavior, nor go to Santa in the mall to demand certain presents–in our house, Father Christmas only does stockings, and you get what he wants to bring you. We also raise our kids–3 & 2–not to be judgmental about and superior over other family’s tradition. I am much more worried about your kids being unpleasant because they think they’re better than other people than my kids being unpleasant because of Father Christmas.
*sigh* You believe what you believe, and I’ll believe what I believe. Simple, no?
what do you mean there is no santa??!!!
Wow. Condescend much?
It is possible to do Christmas with Santa without having heartless children or using bribery, you know. I also wanted to have Santa free Christmases, and I did for a few years, until this year. My son is now old enough to realize that Santa goes to all his friends houses but not ours. I explained it was just a myth, and I told him the origins of St. Nick, but he wasn’t having it. He wanted Santa, so w’r doing Santa, for now. So what? That doesn’t mean I don’t donate to charity, or my children aren’t thankful for what they get. That’s a giant leap your making there, and insulting.
LOL – Are some of these people really acting as though they were scarred for life by the horrible lie of Santa? And one of you to the point where you questioned the very existence of God? Are we getting a little melodramatic perhaps?? It’s laughable to compare Santa to God. So laughable I can’t even believe I’d respond, but here it is… “Cognitive dissonance?” Mistrust of parents and all authority figures? I can’t imagine what kind of person is this severely damaged by freaking Santa Claus. I hate to be cold, but geez… grow a pair, people. If Santa psychologically damages you, maybe you’ve got bigger problems. Santa is a fun fantasy, nothing more. If you don’t want to join in the fun, fine. Don’t. You’re not superior for it though; no more than if you knelt down to advise your child who’s whirring around in the laundry basket and said, “Now honey, you do realize that’s not a spaceship, don’t you? I mean, I want to make sure we’re all being honest here. It’s just a laundry basket.”
Nobody is hating on the writer’s decision not to perpetuate the god-awful lie of Santa Claus, that legendary baddie that turns children into cowering, cringing little lads, hiding in the shadows from his impending wrath in the case that they end up on the “naughty list.” … And for having the audacity to wish he’d bring them toys, too, because we all know that any child that wants toys is a materialistic sheep. Make sure your Christmas is good and modest. Don’t let Santa near your kids. Whatever. Just don’t assume that parents who think it’s a fun part of childhood are delusional child abusers who are turning out brats with cognitive dissonance issues. Sheesh. It’s just SANTA CLAUS.
Sounds like you had a lot of feelings about Santa and behavior issues as a young person, how wonderful that you are now a parent and can address them with your own young ones! I would be interested to know if you are raising your children as atheists (as I am) as I think the concept of god is a tool to create desirable behavior, not ethically healthy people. I look forward to your writings!
We don’t do Santa at our house either. We read the traditional stories about him and have fun sitting on his lap at the mall for a picture, but who got her the presents on Christmas morning isn’t a secret. That having been said I really don’t care one way or the other what people do.
I’m sorry people are leaving such mean spirited comments on here, it’s easy to be innapropriate and angry with the anonimity of the internet between you and the person you’re making snide comments to.
Perhaps I was harsh in my earlier comment–but it’s the admitted air of self-righteousness, the air of disbelief about what other parents do, the assurance that children who believe in Santa Claus may well “otherwise” be good people. I have zero problems with people who raise their children not to believe in Santa Claus. & I would hope that they have zero problems with the way I raise my children, which is (coincidentally) in a loving and kind family environment.
I made a very conscious decision to talk about Santa Claus with my two year old. As she gets older I’ll introduce Santa-as-myth, and Santa (and Christmas) as a way to encourage people to be giving to other people. I’m already laying the seeds for Santa-as-Myth. A ritual device that reminds us to stop and take a moment to think of others. I was raised UU (pick and mix including agnostic, everyone has their own philosophical/spiritual path, try to make the world a better place- discuss, debate, THINK). I’m not religious, but I feel religion can have a useful place in the world. I also majored in History of Religions, with a focus in Anthropology and ritual. I think rituals and especially stories are incredible social tools that we are losing. We should update them to fit our evolving society, of course, but I think we need them. Children need stories, and as they get older, the stories get filled in with more complex realities, but the stories are an important social frame, and an important tool for capturing the attention of children (not to mention developing imaginations!). Rituals (like Christmas) are an important tool to stop and set a specific time/place to pay attention and become physically, emotionally and mentally involved in something specific (coming of age, death, new beginnings…)
Santa is not going to be a good/bad watchdog in my house. The story I’m giving my daughter is that he’s there for everyone, to do something nice for people without getting anything back- someone you want to emulate. Terry Pratchett (in Hogfather) likens the belief in “little lies” like Santa to practice to believe in “big lies” like Justice, which also only exists in the human mind. They are part of being human.
We anti-santans ARE superior. After all, it will be our kids that will make your kids cry on the playground when our kids tell them the truth about Santa.
I thought this was some sort of parody for a second, but then realized it wasn’t. LOL. I’ve never given even an ounce of thought about how other families celebrate Christmas. I’m too busy celebrating it with my own family to sit around judging others. There’s one thing I can say about Charlie (our personal Elf on the Shelf)…at least he isn’t a sanctimommy. And he knows when to keep his mouth shut. Now, I have to get back to listening to my Motown Christmas. Thanks for the laugh!
Wow, there, “anti-santan!” So making someone cry makes you superior? Making children cry no less… Maybe you shouldn’t be teaching THAT gem to your kids, lady.
What’s more, when I was very young and still believed, I knew that older bullies who tried to tell me there was no such thing as Santa Claus were just angry killjoys; nothing more. Ho ho ho!
Wow, this is incredibly condescending. You win, you are a better mommy than me. Enjoy your superior children and I’ll be over in the corner threatening my kid with Santa.
These are the sorts of entries on babble that make me wonder why I even come here. Self-righteous mothers like this don’t make anyone feel good about themselves or their parenting style. Is babble.com become nothing more than a forum for moms judging other moms or what?
I think this is ridiculous. You sound self righteous and as if your way is the best. What ever happened to just letting kids be kids. You and your husband make your friends reasoning out to be evil or something.
I wrote a similar post on my blog last year, the comment is from my best friend who totally disagrees with kids not believing in Santa: http://www.thejuiceboxx.com/imported-20100123183859/2009/12/22/bad-mommy-we-dont-do-santa.html
I agree with this 100%. Although my kids believed in Santa, we never used Santa as a scare tactic. Our kids have alway been taught to be kind, empathetic, generous, and well-behaved regardless of what Santa may or may not bring them. Yes, the kids went with their list of wishes and sat on Santa’s lap but never did we say “Santa won’t bring you presents if you don’t behave”. It undermines a long-term goal of teaching children to be good because it’s the right thing to do, not because they won’t be getting presents if they don’t mind their manners. Our kids just liked the thought of a generous Santa who brought you presents on Christmas day – no strings attached. I don’t think they ever equated “being naughty or nice” with receiving Christmas gifts or the joy of giving gifts to family and friends. It’s just the time of year we celebrate giving and receiving.
I don’t know about the behavior issues–Santa in our house is like the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny or a kids’ magician at a birthday party. It’s just fun. It’s not meant to teach anything, nor is it intended to stand in my place as a parent in any way whatsoever. Magic, in any form, makes us happy to suspend our disbelief that the world is just a tangled mess of biology duking it out for survival. It takes us outside ourselves and asks us to believe, just for a few minutes, that there is something else out there. This is much easier for kids, and I for one have no need to bring them to my level of adult scepticism any time soon. They love Santa. I love Santa. And even though I’m reasonably certain my older daughter knows he’s not real, she’s a clever enough girl to play along becuase even at nine she understands that whether he’s real or not doesn’t actually matter. It’s fun when families imagine magic together, and that’s what we do.
My six year old pointed out to me that every year I tell her she won’t get presents if she is bad and yet every year she always gets presents (in spite of how bad she knows she is being).
So now I just threaten violence.
Believe whatever you want, and do whatever you want with your children, but why the need to critique others? Couldn’t you have made the same point without the condescension?
My children believe in Santa and I guess, in a lot of ways, we are what you might consider to be fairly typical in our use of Santa and the Elf on the Shelf. My children are taught about the different “types” of Santa. There is the commercialized Santa and then there is the true Santa that has developed from the religious tradition. We teach them and allow them to believe in both. My children celebrate Christmas by visiting Santa at the mall but also by donating their toys and clothes, by sharing with others and by recognizing the true spirit of this time of year.
I don’t think that believing in the commercialized Santa necessarily has to separate you from teaching your children that Christmas is about more than presents and an Elf on the Shelf.
My children do the right thing because we’ve taught them what that is. They do it all year ’round.
This could not sound more sanctimonious if you tried. You are right “I couldnt help but shake my head a little and sigh to myself,” is said with perhaps more than an “air of self righteousness.” I think as parents we all do the best we can do, and make decisions that best meet our family’s needs. It is insulting to make the assumption that parents that allow their children to believe in Santa are doing so only for threats and coersion for behaviour issues. The part that really bothered me and compelled me to comment though, was “My two-year-old was born into the loving and kind family environment.” Really? So the assumption then is the children born to those families that allow Santa in the house are born into families that are not loving and kind?
“So, basically they use scare tactics and bribery to get their kids to behave? ”
O.k you are celebrating a holiday based around God, and the birth of Christ. I think that religion uses scare tactics , and bribery to get people to behave. I see nothing wrong with children having some magic in their lives they are only young once. I also see nothing wrong with the way you do things either that is your business, but if you are celebrating a christian holiday based around what others may call imaginary circumstances why is it wrong to have children have their own little beliefs for a while ? It seems a little hypocritical.
WOW! This article made me disgusted enough to write a comment. So you got to experience the magic of Christmas, but not your kids.Ya that sounds thoughtful. In our house we do use the Elf & Santa. However our 6 yr old knows the real reason for Christmas..Jesus birthday. When you ask her who Santa works for she’ll happily tell you Jesus.
WOW! Your children probably have no imagination at all thanks to your superior parenting skills “GOOD JOB” Super Mom.!!!!
Gah! Can everyone take it down a notch? She’s explaining why she doesn’t do Santa. Literally billions of people don’t do Santa and the world keeps turning. Give parents the benefit of the doubt that they have good intentions about the parenting choices they make, even when they are different from your own.
I think kids will have enough time to experience the reality of LIFE why not let them be children and have fun for a while. Thats why they are so screwed up nowadays.
Korinthia, I don’t think any one of these commenters are responding to the writer’s decision not to have Santa in the house, they are responding to the pompous and condescending tone of the article. And then, if they do the Santa thing, they are defending it because this article made it sound like you are a manipulative simpleton if you allow your kids to believe in Santa Claus. I’m sorry the writer is being attacked, but in all fairness, she didn’t just say, “This is the way I do it, I’m ok, you’re ok.” She more said, “This is why I do it, I’m great and innovative, and you’re a stupid follower.” I can see why some people were a little offended. We could all use a little more “I’m ok, you’re ok” when it comes to silly things like this.
to each his own. this seems to be a very touchy subject for those who have their children believe in santa. as a parent you have the freedom to raise your children the way you want to. i didn’t think this article was at all condescending but, i’m not really shocked to see the irate reaction.
as a child i was not told much about santa. my parents felt wrong about lying to me like that. they never came out and said no he’s not real but they didn’t go on and on with the story. so, i realized by the age of 5 that santa could not possibly be real and it didn’t bother me what so ever. my childhood memories of christmas are as magical as any other kids. my parents went all out for christmas just without the whole santa lie. i felt a sense of pride as a child knowing that i knew the truth. now i have a baby girl and will handle the santa situation the same way my parents did. this will probably really piss people off but i am an atheist and i love to celebrate christmas. for me it’s about celebrating children, family, friends, and just getting everyone together and enjoying the season. my house is decorated like crazy and the christmas cookies are made but it’s more about the simpler things in life for me. PEACE and LOVE!!!
I disagree with the widespread assumptions you make about parents who do encourage their kids to believe in Santa. It’s not all “Santa is watching” and making threats to get good behavior. Encouraging belief also doesn’t mean that we don’t give back as well. My kids believe in Santa. They also help me pick out presents that we donate to local families in need. They listen for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. They also care for each other and treat people with kindness and tenderness. As for kicking your sister in Santa’s line — that behavior isn’t tolerated in my family at any time of year.
I couldn’t agree more. I also feel that If I want to be clear about the spiritual beliefs and practices of our family, and I think it is misleading to encourage something that I know is untrue.
“You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond…No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives, and lives forever, a thousand years from now, nay, ten times then thousand years from now he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.”
Yeah, that Santa sure sounds like a manipulative ass.
Santa aside, because I know it is perfectly possible to have a happy, well-adjusted childhood and life whether you believe in Santa (or Jesus or Zeus or Xenu) or not, it’s the tone of this piece that irks me.
Now, a whole bunch of people are going to secretly delight when the “empathetic” 2-year-old turns 4, doesn’t “pop back to happiness” at his sister’s urging, and throws a raging, screaming tantrum because Santa brought his friends the new Disney DVD and he got organic wooden block toys from Mom.
All I know is that I was only 3 years old when I found out Santa wasn’t real and I was very, very relieved! But it didn’t take away the magic of christmas for me. These days my 4 year old son may not be chomping at the bit to go sit on Santa’s lap at the mall like other kids, but he does LOVE to help us wrap presents for family (minus the presents for him of course.)
So what do you tell your kids Christmas is about then? Is it Jesus’s birthday? Can you give me some concrete proof that he is not just as much a fictitious character as Santa? And are you not supposed to be good to get into heaven? I really don’t see the difference here. Santa isn’t about greed and laziness. He’s about believing that there is something good in this world beyond all the horror we are exposed to on a daily basis. Santa is about love, giving and goodness, and the magic of being a child. I don’t believe you should use him as a scare tactic to get your kids to behave well. But that has nothing to do with the spirit of believing in Santa. That is taking advantage of the innocence of your kids to benefit yourself.
Whether or not it was your intention, you come across as someone who is incredibly selfish and close-minded with a huge superiority complex. I think you should be more worried about the effect your attitude is having on your children than the outside influences you speak so harshly against. Being a parent is hard enough without having self righteous people who believe they are “forward thinking” spreading their garbage around like it’s the only way an intelligent person would be.
I’m shocked that Babble even published this nonsense.
On a related note:
http://philosophydad.blogspot.com/2008/11/santa-is-tool.html
Krista — I love this case for not indulging the Santa myth … beautifully articulated and well reasoned. Having said that, I among those who will continue to willingly deceive my kids in the service of a consumeristic, kid-indulging pagan holiday for one very simple reason: because I have absolutely exquisite memories of being a kid and waiting for santa. I don’t think the instinct to acquire toys is introduced by the Christmas tradition; I think it is an instinct that already exists in all of us (and all of our children) that is indulged by Christmas. There is something wonderful about the ability children have to suspend disbelief that I think all these traditions celebrate. It’s painful but necessary to become more skeptical, to stop believing in magic … it’s a sad day that I remember vividly to this day. I am a little torn about basically lying to my kids, your points are quite rational, but in the end I think this is a moment to celebrate the irrational, the irrational ebullience of childhood.
@ It is not a personal attack: I think when anyone explains their reasons for making the choices they do it comes off as righteous. We may live and let live, but if you didn’t personally believe your way was right you wouldn’t do it. I may believe there are many correct choices, but I still have to have reasons for the one I picked that set it apart. That’s all I’m seeing here, getting the chance to look at someone else’s internal reasoning. Some of the comments make me nervous when people seem so comfortable anonymously lashing out. (Which is sort of the whole internet, I guess, so I should probably not read comment threads on controversial essays.)
Oh my. You are in for a world of surprise when your children are six and four. Do you seriously believe that your fabulous parenting choices are the only reason that your four and two year old children are kind? Didn’t you think, for even a moment, that most children are born naturally kind? My kids were also so sweet and well behaved at four and two. Now they’re seven, five, and have a little two year old sister. Let me assure you that life is different now. I truly can’t wait to see your apology in a couple of years. As for not doing Santa, that’s cool, to each their own. But I have to wonder if you are trying to bolster an insecure decision by lambasting the choices of others? I think the many parenting choices I’ve made for my own three have largely been the right choices for our OWN family, and I’m secure in that belief without having to tear down other parents. And yes, we have a house elf, Eldan, who ROCKS.
WOW. I feel badly for your children, as your portray living in a black & white world. As another poster mentioned your article makes it seem like Santa cannot be part of the same world as giving and contributing. Santa represents for many people the spirit of christmas, the giving to others without expectation that it will be returned. Children don’t yet have to face the full reality of the world…do you keep your children from playing with dolls since the doll is merely a representation of a baby and opt, instead, to use a live infant for them to play with since to do otherwise would be setting a precedent of falsity?
I think you are fine with your choices and think you are probably a great and loving mom who is doing what she feel is best for her kids, just like a lot of the other commenters out there. Question to you all: can we leave the smug attitude at and agree to disagree? Do you all know how lucky you are to even have kids? Moms should be in an alliance not a competition. When did this happen and why? Why would you condemn Santa? Why would someone else condemn you for not wanting Santa? You all need have too much free time…learn to appreciate what you have and agree to disagree.
Go to the blogspot under her picture above ! There is santa everywhere on her blog doesn’t look like he is kept away from her kids that much.
Woah, crazy respondents all over the globe, hold on a second. Let me give it to you from a kids prospective, because the day I stopped believing in the big guy is much clearer in recent memory. Eighteen years ago at the tender age of three I was shocked and saddened when, thanks to an experiment of my own, I found out Santa was a phony. Yes, the presents were still there, but the magic was lost, along with unquestioning faith in my parents. I never quite forgave them for lying to me, and vowed to never play in to the charade. Life is full of magic, you don’t have to make it up, you just have to look around.
This whole post comes off as sanctimonious, judgmental, and snide. How about you parent the way you want, I’ll parent the way I want and we agree that neither is the “better” technique?
responding to ShinyFlower: “Life is full of magic, you don’t have to make it up” Magic, by simple definition, is the art of producing illusion by sleight of hand…so you figure it out. You were a crafty 3 year old that’s for certain. For me, I love the idea of wonder and MAGIC that santa gives to my kids. We also do meaningful things (writing/sending Christmas cards to the troops, donating time through community service, just simply enjoying and supporting other people). I fully support anyone’s idea that they practice whatever they wish to with their own family; however, don’t lay a load of judgement at my door assuming that because we encourage the belief in Santa (and frankly, the toothfairy) that we do so at the expense of our children’s social and moral well-being. The two do NOT go hand in hand, no matter how much you or the OP say it does…
I agree with quite a few posters – most of the negative feedback would not be here if it was not for the writer’s tone. It’s self-righteousness at it’s finest. Since it is Christmas, I am going to take the lead from the fat man himself and wish you a very Merry Christmas, and may you find it in your heart to bring yourself down a notch or two in the new year. Because really, it’s about love, kindness and giving, not who is getting it “right”.
Give.me.a.break.
Denitta, perhaps “magic” wasn’t the best word choice, “beauty” may have worked better there? You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job as a parent
its awesome that you’re so involved. I didn’t mean to offend with my post, I was not generalizing, simply bringing a new viewpoint into the situation. The Santa thing brought my parents down to the level of mere mortals in my eyes and I forever questioned everything I was taught after. I do love the spirit of Christmas, but I believe it’s embodied in every heart of every person who wishes to share it, not some tubby, bearded guy 
Shinyflower — not sure why I feel so salty from this article honestly…and i am being super literal. I appreciate your input though and I am sure my 8 year old will have his own issues with the “lies” LOL i just personally don’t remember feeling lied to, but I was a bit older than my 2 younger brothers so I felt more like I was a partner rather than a “victim” of the santa issue. That being said, the OP’s blog indicates differently than this article, as I see santa is rampant in her posts and pictures so who knows what is going on. Wishing you a blessed holiday season whatever your beliefs and a happy entr’e into 2011!
Denitta, I do agree about the blog, odd. Anyway, Happy Holidays to you and your bunch as well!!
We aren’t doing Santa in our house either. Sometime I feel like we are the only ones. We also read about Santa like we read about Tinkerbell or watch Big Bird. Using Santa to require good behavior is cheating and it won’t last. Good parenting lasts forever.
So i have a question for those of you who do not foster the belief in santa for personal, social or religious reasons — what do you advise your children to do when faced with peers who DO believe. My children believe…if they have a class with yours (or an activity, etc) has your child been advised not to tell everyone that santa doesn’t exist, since for many, he does?
I agree with the blog. Children don’t need Santa but they will not be hurt by the idea either, every one is entitled to parent their own way, but in my house we treat Santa like any other fictional character. We watch movies and go see him just like we would Dora or Elmo.
Wow, arrogant much? I never thought I would see the day when someone thought they were better than anyone else because they don’t have SANTA, but hey, live and learn. I guess a person can find endless ways to feel superior. As a mere mortal mom, I think Santa is fun and my kids love it. I do not rely upon Santa for discipline nor does any other parent I’ve ever known. Kids (and I) love celebrations but perhaps the writer is too much of a killjoy to relate.
Clearly, you’ve hit a nerve with a lot of people here. I think it’s great that you’ve found what works well for your family, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else has it wrong. And, there’s a huge assumption here that Santa equals a discipline tool. In fact, most of the parents I know, don’t hold Santa over their kids head. Instead, they use it as a fun story to tell their children — something to give them joy and wonder in a world that is overwhelmed with tragedy, anger and hatred. I also found it interesting that you were more concerned with the general use of Santa than the conspicuous consumption that has become the trademark of the Christmas season. It’s great that you are teaching about being charitable, but as you mentioned, your kids aren’t going without at Christmas time, even sans Santa. Why not see the joy in Santa that it brings not only to little children, but to the stressed out, overworked parents who get to be kids again and enjoy wonderful childhood memories with their children? There are few things left these days that are simple and joyful. I, for one, am not persuaded to give up Santa by someone who appears to be overly cynical and critical of others’ parenting. There are so many more harmful things people could be doing to their children rather than sharing in the brief moment that kids and their parents get to believe in something other than the harsh realities of life.
And THIS is why, even at 3 months pregnant, I am terrified of becoming a mother. No, not the tough parenting decisions or the personal sacrifice, but having to deal with all of this judge-y, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou mommy bullshit. We can opt to raise our children differently and all still be considered good mothers — there is no one perfect way to raise healthy, well-adjusted children. Don’t look now but your kid just took a sip out of a non-BPA free bottle — guess that means he’s not going to Harvard!
My daughters nine and she knows there is no santa as well as no god. She Loves the holidays and we have a great time.
@ Korinthia: Nah… you can explain your choices without being arrogant. It’s not that hard. The author could have laid out reasons why she doesn’t see getting into Santa Claus without the added descriptions ofservations of mainstream Santa parents and how terrible they are. You’re right, I wouldn’t have agreed with her, but I wouldn’t have thought she was being nasty either.
* descriptions of observations… my mousepad is wonky.
“Why we wont tell our kids about Santa”…NOT telling them about Santa is different from using Santa as a way to get them to be good…the story of Santa is basically a cultural legend based on St. Nicholas or various other giving dudes…he’s a character…just like a cartoon on TV, which is the first way our kid really saw or knew Santa, and so it was easy to frame him as on par with Elmo, Diego, etc..there are lots of Elmos, Diegos, etc. all over the place on logos of books, toys, DVDs, etc. they’re cute characters…so is Santa…still fun and enjoyable but no larger-than-life-ness to it and no lies or manipulations needed from the parents…I think the author makes a big deal out of nothing.
I’m not at all keen on the tone of this article.
I have been thinking about this article all day and feeling frustrated. There are lots of parents out there who use various methods to attempt to control their childrens’ behaviour. Many of these methods I don’t agree with and, therefore, don’t use.
The article implies that children being visited by santa is directly linked to bad parenting. This is pretty insulting to many of us parents.
And also, don’t you think you are splitting hairs? No Santa in your house, but you celebrate christmas, your children receive presents on christmas morning and they have at least one book about Santa. The only difference between you and me is that I assume you take credit for the presents and I pretend that they appeared by magic.
Never heard of elf on a shelf until today. Craziness. Oh – the comments on this article have gone completely off the rail. Too much nog?
Everyone’s experience and opinions are different, and if the author wishes to go sans Santa, that’s her perogative. However, she should be prepared for the possibility that her kids will be unhappy about this somewhere down the line. Hopefully her reasoning will make sense to them and they won’t be upset with her. I bring this up because my bratty older brother made darned sure I never believed in Santa Claus, and yes, I did feel very cheated. Most of my friends really believed, and of course growing up, I kept reading stories and seeing TV shows about the magic of Santa, and I had … nuthin’. It felt very bleak and empty. Now, as a parent of preschoolers, I have chosen to “lie” to them about Santa and tell them he is real. When they are older, I hope they will understand *my* reasoning — that Santa is indeed real, and lives in all our hearts whenever we reach out to someone in a spirit of selfless giving, which is hopefully what Santa should embody. We’ll see how *my* experiment goes.
Too bad your kids are missing the excitement and anticipation all the others have while waiting for Santa to come and bring their presents! I never forget the happiness of waking up as a child on Dec 25th and running to the tree and finding out what Santa had brought to me. In any case, we are so fortunate to be discussing this tradition. This is a rather minor, or non-issue for families with no money to buy presents or even food; or for parents of children with severe intellectual disabilities who may not distinguish between Santa being real or even existing in their world. Sometimes I really have to laugh at the topics that some people choose to write about in this website. Talk about misplaced priorities.
I grew up believing in Santa (until my Dad had the tactlessness to ask Mom if she’d bought the stocking stuffers right in front of me), but we never believed the “naughty or nice” stuff. I turned out okay. So did my friends whose parents did Santa other ways or not at all. Thankfully, kids’ joy at a holiday is pretty hard to kill.
I do not remember believing in santa, but I know I did. I therefore, don’t remember the moment when I found out that there was no santa. It has never been that important to me. I wasn’t going to “do” the whole santa thing when I had kids but my mom convinced me otherwise. As the story goes, the year we got bunk beds for our dolls, my sister exclaimed, “Now I KNOW santa is real, because you wouldnt let us get those!”. Pretty sweet!
My fears were about lying to my kids. I don’t lie to them about anything, why start now? So Santa comes to our house and fils our stockings. He doesn’t bring wrapped gifts… I have a mother in law to take care of buying too much unsolicited junk! I guess I folded because there is something magical about it, and a little part of me didn’t want to have my kid ruin it for everyone else. It has never occurred to me to equate santa and his generosity with behavior. Until I read this article I forgot that that was even a “thing”! It makes me a little sick now when I hear someone saying, “Santa’s watching”, or, “I’m calling santa!”. Are we also going to enlist the Easter Bunny, the Leprachauns and Uncle Sam to watch over our behavior the rest of the year? This just in… did anyone ever stop to wonder why kids are “bad” around he holidays? Could it be that nobody is paying attention to them because they are too busy shopping? Could it be the truckloads of sugar they are consuming?
Thanks for the open and honest post, I hope I have provided a little glimpse into the middle ground.
Using Santa as a scare tactic? Couldn’t the same be said about Hell, Jesus, and God?
Santa’s not a person. It’s a State of Mind.
Dont lie to your children its not going to help them. If you make a joke let them know its a joke by your intonation and body language. Santa is no joke he is an adult conspiracy, not a very harmful one but why undermine the trust you are trying to develop between you and your child by joining in with it. Just tell them the truth, which is that Santa is real but make believe, and like fairies and goblins (and many other things you may like mention) he doesnt really exist. Dont labour the point, you only need to tell them once or when they ask you. As young children they will still be able to believe in him and as they get older they will always remember that you told them the truth.
Do you think the whole “I wont lie to my kids because they will be disappointed when they find out Santa’s not real” is yet another example of overprotective parenting? Some parents are so determined that their children feel no physical or emotional pain that they rob them of positive experiences.
Yikes, Daisy. Some parents may just be Jewish or Muslim or Hindu or whatever, which pretty much adds up to no Santa. That’s a fairly huge number of people on this earth who have little/no interest in what is essentially a purloined Christian saint story that was a lot better in its original form. Which sort of gets to Denitta’ s question, below. Why is there any obligation on parents who tell the truth to also instruct their kids to lie to others? For a “magic” story which, frankly, is unworthy of the beauty and sacrifice of the original saint? I don’t think my child is going to be ripping the veil from anybody’s eyes, but you can’t exactly blame the truthteller for the fallout from the lie.
Not celebrating christmas for religious or cultural reasons is an different matter and not something that I would speak out against. There have been lots of comments from people who seem to celebrate christmas and give presents, but choose to tell their children that the presents aren’t from Santa because he isn’t real. And this choice is to prevent them from being disappointed when they find out he isn’t real. My most recent post was in response to them. I disagree with the idea of outing santa to prevent future disappointment. We can’t protect our children from every bad feeling they may have.
there is something here.
Eggnog Anybody
I think we could skip out on Santa, but for 1) family pressures (not just indulgent grandmas who can’t wait to unleash The Santa, but also cousins who already believe) and 2) cultural ubiquity. My daughter is 2, and we have told the family not to do Santa this year. I’m hoping to hold it back until her peers introduce the idea of Santa to her. I’m fine with the imaginative aspect of it, but we certainly don’t plan to use Santa as a tool to induce “good” behavior from our children. I don’t think that’s what Santa should be about.
Imaginations help children grow! To cheat them out of believing in a Magical moment I think is wrong. No harm was done to us growning up believing in Santa! I don’t believe in the Elf on the shelf tatic, this I believe could turn Christmas into a nightmare for some. I’m not greedy and I don’t mind that Santa gets all the credit for the presents, its a magical moment a day that allows their imagination to grow. My kids believe and love to give presents as well, they say thank you and how much they love Santa and thats enough for Mr and Mrs Claus here. They now the true meaning of Christmas. They know that Jesus is the reason for the season. Special gifts and love where given to him and they know that everyone is special. I find it shamful, greedy and unwilling to let their imagainations grow. I feel you are cheating them out of a magical moment that you were blessed with. You made a choice for them, not giving them the oppurtinity to do so for themselves. So Sad!
We have Santa with out the be good part. My kids figured out REALLY early that other people are buying gifts… so we Talked about how Santa teaches Generosity and how we want to be like Santa so we give gifts, too. They are also really big on giving and getting hand made gifts because. my 10year old” You know some people in my class don’t believe in Santa Claus.” me” What do you think about that?” Daughter “If you don’t believe then there’s no magic.”
KP – quite volatile subject! I actually think that my recently published book “The Santa Story Revisited – How to Give Your Children a Santa They Will Never Outgrow” supports every view expressed within this blog. More imaginative play, more passionate giving, keeping all the favorite traditions, maintaining integrity, eliminating concerns for child and parent, playing well alongside every other experience without creating spoiler. http://www.TheSantaStory.com It’s that time of year when parents really care – and each much make their own choices, even defending them when necessary. It’s all very good!
I was raised the way the writer chooses to raise her kids, talking about Santa as a fictional character, but not BELIEVING in him. I love the old movies, Miracle On 34th Street and so on, and I do not feel disappointed that I lost the “magic” or anything. I was a very literal yet extremely imaginative little girl and this probably saved me from a severe disappointment. I plan to raise my children the same way. Trust is a big issue for me and I do not want to loose ANY credibility with my children.
Wow. I am grateful to everyone who responded for taking the time to consider my piece and respond.
In an earlier comment, I apologized for the tone. I did not intend to come off as holier than thou. But I did want parents to give pause to how they use Santa Claus as a parenting tool. Fearing my main points may have been lost, I would like to take a moment to recap:
1. I am not opposed to the existence of Santa Clausas I said, we read the stories, we talk about him, my kids even had their picture taken with him this year. What I am opposed to, is using his existence as an extrinsic motivator for good behavior. In other words, I dont agree with having kids believe that if theyre good, Santa will bring them presents.
2. I feel that an elf that sits on a shelf watching children and allegedly reporting back to Santa, or a mother who calls Santa, encourages children to behave for the reward (i.e., presents) that they will receive. Extrinsic motivation.
3. In general, I focus on developing intrinsic motivation for good behavior. I point out to my daughter that she made her crying brother feel better because it would make her feel good to know she made someone else feel good. I want that good feeling she experienced to be a motivator for future positive actions. Doing good = feeling good. Intrinsic motivation.
4. You can believe in Santa Claus and still be good.
5. My kids have immense imaginations. Not believing that Santa is the one who put the presents under the tree does not stunt their imagination.
6. Sanctimommy is my new favorite word.
I think every parent should consider what traditions their family cherishes and why. My family is choosing to not embrace the Santa is real tradition. If he is a special part of your holiday, enjoy it.
Honestly, I wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a very merry one.
Krista, kudos to you for speaking your mind. It’s hard to buck the mainstream, even more so when you’re met with such vitriol as you have been here. But you are not alone. I wrote a blog post on this same subject last year:
http://www.phoenixuu.org/?q=node/3738
Hopefully you have reached the hearts and minds of at least a few people and encouraged them to think about their actions. If not, you have helped those of us who have already come to the same conclusion to feel less alone. Blessings of the true holiday spirit to you and your children.
No Santa, yes, but there is a God.
I’m sorry, but something is off if you felt “a little embarrassed” for your mother when she finally outed Santa. How about feeling gratitude? How about feeling loved? That it was actually your parent(s) who gave those gifts, and not Santa? That she took the time to try to make your Christmas memorable? Elf on the Shelf? I say no to that too. Threatening my kids to be good, or else Santa won’t come? No – I don’t do that either. But we do have Santa visit our home on Christmas b/c the it’s the look in their eyes, the sheer excitement (and anticipation before), the innocence, the magic of believing… it is something SO special to see through your children. You may not think you are missing out, but believe me, you are. And maybe that’s why you seem sanctimonious.. You can donate to the less fortunate, say thank you when you receive,be good for “goodness sakes” AND have your child experience the thrill of Santa. It must be tiring being you, judging other parents all the time… i bet you can’t turn that switch off.
I see not telling kids about Santa as extreme in the opposite direction as the parents who try to use Santa as a obedience tool.
My parents both grew up in extreme poverty and thus never had the privilege of Santa. When they had children, they made sure to give us what they felt circumstance robbed them of. When we started getting older, they eased us out of Santa by helping us be Santa – my mother would ask, with a wink, what I thought Santa should get my little sister or my father would say with a smile that Santa wanted to know what dress size i wear. Even now, at age 22 and visiting my family for the holidays, we talk about Santa as a way of keeping presents anonymous (because we don’t always need the credit for gifts) and in the spirit of tradition. I, like my siblings and parents, slipped my presents under the tree at 3am last night so that everyone this morning could wake to the same magical sight of presents materializing. And right now, my 24-year-old brother came to wake me and my eighteen-year-old sister up with a smile saying, “Santa brought presents last night”.
Letting children believe in magic for a little longer is a wonderful thing. Santa is still alive and well for me.
I thought I was the only one who thought this whole “behave if you want santa to bring you presents” line was annoying!
I just watched the TED talk by the two Babble founders and came to this site with the expectation of finding a supportive community of parents who are honest and open about the challenges of parenthood today and instead I found this article…crawling with judgment and condescension! So glad I am not one of your two “friends” you singled out. Yikes! And bye-bye Babble!
I agree with you on some level; I think parents who rely heavily on the “Santa’s watching you” tactic are probably not that good at disciplining their kids during the other 11 months, but I do appreciate the magic of Santa. That said, I never pushed the story of the “the man in the red suit” but said that Santa was part of a tradition that our family celebrates. When it all comes down to it, I think you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t share in the “magic” of Santa.
Mrs4444@www.halfpastkissintime.com
I’m 33 and my parents have yet to admit there is no Santa
Santa falls into the God/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy category. He’s a state of mind for us. That being said, I hope everyone had and continues to have as magical a Christmas as my family did.
It’s OK not to have Santa in your house. If that’s the tradition you want to have, there’s nothing wrong with it. But the problem that I have with your article is that it’s just full of righteous, show “offy”, judgemental undertones. I’m sure you didn’t mean to come off that way. But what you have to understand is, is that if you didn’t intend to sound that way, but you come off that way, chances are, you ARE. Many, many commentors here seem to agree. We can’t all be wrong, can we?
Sorry, guys, but I’ll have to agree with the author on this one. Don’t shoot, but looking at the comments first, it appeared that this would be a judgmental and self-righteous article on the HORROR of letting your child believe in Santa, but after reading the article, I take sides with the author, and bless her heart if she’s even still reading some of these ill-meaning comments. What she’s saying is actually pretty accurate: Whether you decide to let your kids believe in Santa or NOT, she isn’t too keen on the aspects of the jolly old man that rot kids to the bone and steal the star of Christmas. Sure, parents, in good faith, probably are NOT meaning to “shift authority and responsibility” when the let the Big Man take over the dirty work of “nagging mom/dad” over the month of December, or make their kids spoiled rotten to the core by turning the whole month of December into a BUG EYED I WANT IT GIMME IT NOW Festival, but it does happen, and more often than I’d like to admit. Let’s face it, guys (and girls): She is not arguing about letting your kids believe in Santa in this article; instead, it’s a solid, well-pointed reminder that even Santa Clause can be the channel through which we let our children catch societies woeful commercialization of the Christmas holiday. And no matter how your kids believe the presents get under the tree on Christmas morning, the threat of giving tots the illusion too many grown-ups have of the season is certainly something worth considering…Just my two cents.
I’m very uncomfortable with convincing my children to believe such a ridiculous story. My husband wants the kids to believe, so I go along with it. I don’t take my kids to see santa, or perpetuate the story. I just don’t blow his cover.
I had no problem with her tone. I feel the same way. I was horribly scarred as a child by the Santa thing. My parents went too far with it and really played into it. I started to question it to them and they still lied right to my face about it. So when my best friend’s older brother at age 8 told us it was our parents. I didn’t want to believe my parents had lied to me like that. I asked my parents again and again they lied to me. So I concocted a plan to catch them in the act and I did.
I felt so betrayed. Even to this day I don’t have much trust in my parents. They are good parents, but they do lie to protect me and themselves and I have no toleranc for that. I don’t care how good your intentions are a lie is a lie. Our household has a strict no lying policy. Even white lies.
I am not going to have my kids lie and commit a sin to protect your lie. I have worked with children my whole life and never outed Santa but I also won’t lie about it either. I will using say “Ask you parents” or just ignore the question and change the subject or ask “What you do you think?” I am going to try to teach my kids the same thing but they are kids and if they slip up, that is no one’s fault. My advice is come clean with your kids before it gets outed by a friend.
My kids are taught to behave because it is the right thing to do and because if they don’t they will be disciplined. Santa and an elf has nothing to do with it. My kids are super happy and are not missing out on anything since they have more toys than any other kids we know and I take them to more activities such as light displays and parades and holiday events than any other children I know too. They just know mommy and daddy are the ones doing it. To them Santa is not really talked about but if he is its just like any other story.
It makes me so sad that poor children will think they were bad and that Santa doesn’t love them because they didn’t get a lot of toys but the bratty rich kids did. What is that teaching our children? That is why we give to charity around the holidays and teach our kids that its the parents buying the gifts which makes a lot more sense and teaches kids about the real world. Not everyone has tons of money and if you want nice things you will have to work for them and get a high paying job. The sooner they learn that lesson, the better.
I am a minority about not doing Santa here in the South. All my friends do it and that is fine for their families. They are great parents in spite of the Santa thing. I do holidays my way and you do holidays your way but don’t you dare tell me my kids are worse off or missing out on something because that is fighting words. Just like I don’t think your kids are bad off because you do Santa. Or at least I hope they won’t be. I was upset by it but that is because I am a fairly sensitive child and my parents kept it up wayyyyy too long. I think the first time your child comes to you for the truth if you give it to them, then it works out. It is only the parents that freak about it and lie over and over again even when their child begs for the truth like I did that end up screwing their kids up.
Ha! This is hilarious.
I don’t know about you guys, but I loved the way my 4 year old scurried off to bed on time right before Christmas.
Use what you’ve got, Ladies. Why are we over analyzing this?
To the person “Time For Reflection”: you prove my point. She wasn’t show offy or self righteous AT ALL. What is most concerning to me is the reaction you get from people if you don’t treat santa as God. People get so defensive over this make believe fat guy in a red suit it’s scary. And just because you had 8 people “like” what you wrote does not make you right. I don’t care how many people look at a glass of water and think it’s vodka, it’s not going to change the fact that it’s water. I mean there’s flat earth society with a lot of members…got my point? She has a right to her opinion. She told her story and you’re defensive of your holy santa. I grew up the youngest of seven raised by my mother because my father was killed in a car accident while she was pregnant with me. She did her best to make ends meet and while we never got the latest Barbie doll house..she always managed to make Christmas wonderful. I knew santa was not real and thank goodness…what do you tell the kids whose parents can’t afford much? Santa skipped over you? You were naughty? I learned to play along with those friends who believed in him much like I’d play house. But he was much like Mickey Mouse…that funny show that came on at Christmas time. My mom gave me the gift of the true meaning of Christmas: the celebration of Jesus’ coming to us in human form. And my mother doesn’t lie:)
“Is it true that Santa Claus is not real?”
My daughter asked me this question when she was eight years old. She is now twenty-one, and soon to finish college.
It was one of the most difficult questions I had to answer. To say yes would have destroyed the magic of childhood for her. To say no would have destroyed my credibility completely.
I answered her question the best I could, and in the end, doing the best I could all the time was what parenting was all about.
http://www.thegoodchinesemother.wordpress.com
One question.
Do you also share the equally ridiculous stories of the bible with your children? These to are founded without any substantial evidence and yet are passed down with even stronger consequences (eternal damnation) if one does not do as he or she is told. To me Santa in comparison is quite benign and does fill the holidays with a sense of magic. However when the day comes that either of my children ask the inevitable question about the true origins of Santa, I with a fairly clear conscious will clarify the true story of the “Old Elf” and how he came to be. I truly believe my children will forgive me, and in time actually praise me (as I do my parents) for the efforts I made to make Christmas as magical as it has been for them. The “gift” of teaching them eternal damnation via not following an ancient book to the letter will not however be on my conscious.
I DO NOT believe in this! this is not good parenting it is just cruel to steal memories and stories from your child. I have a 3 year old and 2 month old daughter and i encourage santa in our house and you should too!
Christmas is about Jesus NOT SANTA! And since it’s a holiday to celebrate Jesus maybe you non believers should stop celebrating it. You would know that if you read that ancient book called the BIBLE. That is all.
Good for you and good for your children. People say it’s “magical”. Not always.
When i was in 4th grade i was bullied for not believing is Santa.
When one of by best friends was very young she would lie awake at night, terrified that a unknown man was sneaking into her house at night.
My parents never did it very well.I’m not sure if i every “really” believed. I think i figured it out when I was 3-6. I told myself i believed, but i knew in the back of my mind he was fake. Why? I think it’s because I didn’t know what to do about it. Should i confront my parents? Would my parents stop giving me presents if they knew i knew? I guess i didn’t want to think about the fact that the world and spun this elaborate lie. There is the magic feeling of christmas, but Santa didn’t contribute to it. If anything, the knowledge in the back of my mind that my parents were lying to me soured some the magic.
Thank you for this article. My children are 2 and 6 months, and we will not be telling my daughter that Santa Claus brings her presents. Like you, we plan on reading books and talking about Santa Claus, just not as if he were real.
I’m just curious if all of the people who keep commenting, “You are stealing this from your child!” and “You should let your child decide and make that decision on their own.” – Do you parents also allow your child to not attend whatever religious function or gathering that you choose to attend? Or do you also force your believes on your child because you feel it’s necessary for them. If you do, then go introduce yourself to the pot and kettle…
There seem to be a WHOLE lot of people here letting the ends justify the means. Remember, magic or no, at the end of the day, you’re still lying to your kids. I’m not going to tell my child when he gets old enough about Santa, because I don’t want him to grow up thinking of me as someone who lies to children.
I applaud your anti-conformity. People tell there kids the Santa thing simply as they view it as obligation. It’s time we realize there is more too Christmas than a overweight man who brings gifts.
Teacher: Im a little worried about your daughter.
Parent: Really, how so?
Teacher: Well, she claims that the reason your house is made of bricks is because you had two other relatives killed by a wolf because they made their homes from straw and wood. Shes telling all the other children that they better make sure their homes are made of brick too or they might get eaten by a wolf. Its a little disturbing.
Parent: Look, this is how I grew up. My parents taught me the Big Bad Wolf story was true and I want my child to grow up with the same tradition. It makes the Holidays more fun. Kids grow up so fast you know and theres no need to push it any faster. Why crush their innocence? Shell find out its not true soon enough, so just back off and dont tell her any different!
Sana is the world’s biggest con artist.
So what happens when your kids go to school and tell the kids who’s parents do Santa that they don’t believe and he isn’t real?
That annyone couuld call Santa “imaginative” is ludicrious. The stoty is the same every year-fat man brings pressents too “good” kids, reindeer fly, etc, etc. There is no creative, it’s pointless recycling. It’s there naivety that grows, not imaginations.
I think your choice not to do the Santa thing is a valid personal choice, and has a lot of strong points in its favor from developmental standpoint. I think your “slight air of disbelief” and your self-satisfied, semi-acknowledged “righteousness” are miles beyond nauseating (as well as just plane lame, phony-self-aware writing). In many, many homes, Santa and the family rituals leading up to Christmas–religious or otherwise– are about optimism, belief in a shared connection with the extraordinary, and an opportunity to slow down and engage in a daily exercise in unconditional love. What a pity –but how convenient for you and your “parenting styles of the superior and trendy” blog– that you choose to portray your friends who choose to share the concept of Santa Claus with their children (they are your “friends”, right?) as engaging in a bribery and/or blackmail system. I’m sure that happens somewhere, where people threaten kids with coal, but not in our family, or any that I’ve personally heard of in the last 20 years. What a shame you don’t have enough confidence in your own choice to write about it without ignorantly denigrating the choices and family traditions of others.
Thank you for a good choice you made on behalf of your kids. WE make the same choice, kids know about Christmas, they know about presents, and they know its not because some red suited guy is what the holiday is all about. Raising kids to be nice for goodness sake, is rare these day, mostly kids grow up selfish, and are raised to be just like their parents.
Interesting to see how bent out of shape and judgmental the Santa-believers are toward the author. I wonder if the idea of lying to their kids struck a chord with them deep down inside and are afraid to admit it to themselves. I can’t imagine any other reason for the angry comments.