I woke up this morning with her peeking over the edge of our bed grinning uncertainly – as if not quite sure what to tell me.
So I said it.
Her entire face lit up and she nodded. “I am 4 today. Where is my cake?”
Her fourth birthday is a big deal to us. Every year but especially this year. Another little boy in heaven means that the only child of 4 I get to mother is going to get a special birthday. Tomorrow is her party. We had cookies of her favorite dragon made and sent to us by @cookiesandbaby on Instagram, we’re having her friends over for the evening, and tonight we’re taking her out to dinner.
It’s bittersweet, as so much is these days. Looking through her newborn photos is hard because she looks so much like Kaden. I feel guilty that I’m even a little sad on her birthday, but I know it’s impossible not to be. I’m trying to turn that into looking at her with eyes that appreciate how little she still is, how very blessed we are to have her.
I wish her brothers were here. It hurts to think of how this was supposed to be – yet that’s simply not how it is. Nothing can change what happened, so we make the most of her day. I’ll fight back tears when we sing Happy Birthday and blow out candles, looking around at a table that is full and yet missing. I’ll hug her tight tonight with the same feelings as most parents who wonder how on earth these years went so quickly. Especially since some of the days never seem to end!
Another year has come and gone. I am so proud to be this little girl’s mama and celebrate this day with her.
Diana blogs at Diana Wrote about her life with a daughter here and three sons in heaven, life as an army wife, and her faith. You can also find her work on Liberating Working Moms, She Reads Truth, The New York Times, Still Standing Magazine, and The Huffington Post. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.
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