3 Most Common Mistakes: Child Psychology
Expert advice on your child's emotions
What are the three most common mistakes parents make when it comes to kids’ emotional development?
Expert: Dr. Lawrence Shapiro, child psychologist and author of The Baby Emergency Handbook: Lifesaving Information Every Parent Needs to Know
1. Not wanting to be the bad guy
Generally parents are too permissive. Most parents today don’t realize that kids need limits, and they don’t develop well when those limits either aren’t put in place or they aren’t consistent. Being strict seems to imply being mean, but all the studies say that kids being raised in stricter homes tend to do better. Because kids need structure. For example, bedtime is at 7 o’clock. It’s always at 7 o’clock, it’s not at 7:30 because they have to watch a TV show or Bobby down the street has an 8 o’clock bed time.
Every age of child should have that number of rules in the house – a three-year old has three rules, a five-year old has five rules, write them down. And if the child breaks them, there’s some consequence, like a time out, or something else.
Parents often think they can just talk to their kids, and they ignore the fact that the kids don’t listen, they do the exact same thing they did last time. Another mistake parents make is making idle threats to their kids. “If you’re not quiet, I’m gonna turn this car around and we’re never going to the playground again.” Well that’s ridiculous, they don’t turn the car around, and of course they’re going to the playground again. Discipline is very straightforward; they just don’t seem to want to do it. They need to get over it. It’s in the best interest of their child. It’s hard. It’s not fun. Nobody likes time-outs, parents don’t like putting their kids on time-outs, nobody likes reprimanding their kids, but you’ve gotta do it. The child says, “I hate you,” and parents can’t deal with being rejected. Well, kids say “I hate you” sometimes; it’s okay.
First of all, on what is this expert basing terms like “most.” A survey? Most parents this expert has encountered? Sloppy.Second, I hate when an expert says a parent “has to” employ a specific technique or speaks in absolutes. I have had a lot of success with MY child setting limits in a non-punitive way. There are limits, rules, and no negotiation–but I don’t “have” to use any of the “punishments” mentioned here.Third, I think this advice is terrible:”The litmus test I use is if you’re embarrassed in front of your friends, it’s a problem.”If you are embarrassed, the problem is you are focusing on your own needs and thinking it is all about you. Which is not to say the child’s behavior isn’t a problem, but rather that parental embarrassment is not a good basis for successful discipline–it sets the stage for an emotional confrontation that escalates the issue and helps no one.The test should be whether it is a problem for your family, something that runs contrary to your own standards and values, when you are rationally considering the issue.What I DO like about the article is it says to drop the meaningless threats. But every parenting expert I have read says this…so nothing new.
I agree the absolutes are a bit much. In my experience, I meet a lot of parents who are afraid of being the bad guy and lack structure and consistency. The children in these situations are unfortunately paying the price for this non-parenting.CaliMama, you said, “I have had a lot of success with MY child setting limits in a non-punitive way.” I am curious how you define punitive here and what methods you consider functional and non-punitive. I have met many parents here in L.A. who have said the same thing but what I see are parents who have tried to reframe the methods or who are permissive and tend to ignore or downplay their children’s behavior. For example, we reframe some things like we ask our child to take some time to calm down when he is having a fit to teach him how to calm himself. When he is calm we talk about what happened. Some parents would consider that punitive (not that I care) but we try to reframe it so it makes sense to him as a tool to use throughout his life to take the time to manage his anger and stay calm to advocate for himself. We do however give consequences for certain behaviors (yes, I know that nasty word “punitive”) However, he knows what we expect and knows he may lose a privilege if he breaks the rules. What do you do if your child breaks a rule? How do you offer consistency and healthy boundaries?
bad article.. the litmus test what a joke.tantrums at 3 4 5 whatever, every kid has tantrums at differnt stages and different ages. My son didn’t start until 4…we have been working on it for a few months and it has been improving only because we ignore it and stick to our guns. I think the worst thing to do to terrify parents is to generalize children as to when they are allowed to behave vs when they aren’t. I do agree that being overly permissive just worsens your life because when you do start to set limits it will confuse the heck out of the child and enrage them. But even in families that have always set limits kids that are healthy and bright will try to push past them at ANY age. Be it 1 year or 18 years. Your only job is to firmly but kindly set your grounds tell them once what is expected then walk away from the situation. It is no longer about you it is allowing your child the time to work out there own emotions. You cannot control a childs emotional development only give them the confidence that they don’t need you to calm them down. Some kids figure this out in 2 weeks some in a year some may never be in full control of their emotions. Alot of a childs behavior is genetic and seen at birth, part is in nurturing and a parents parenting choices. Every child does need limits but not unfair limits or limits that are impossible for them to understand. Kindness and respect go a long way. If you yell at your kids to get them to behaveo or you spank them, expect the same in return. If you talk softly and caringly you will get the same in return. I have tried them all and the later has proven to bring peace to our home.
I thought the article was quite good. There were some absolutes that could have been softened, but the three pieces of advice were right on.Make sure your kids know who’s the boss and that punishments are meted out justly and every single time they’re called for. Do what you say you’re going to do.Talk with your kids about their feelings. (This one is great, not enough parents do this in my experience.)Don’t assume undesierable behavior will go away on its own.Good article and good advice. (Though mostly not too new.)
i totally agree with carlie. i’m all for setting limits but it’s irresponsible to say that a 4 yr-old talking back or having a tantrum is an “absurd” problem. who knows what the kid is going through- sudden new sibling? and i’d like to see how you do set limits without ever getting a tantrum reaction? half the time we have collapse-to-the-floor crying it’s precisely BECAUSE a limit is being firmly set and that is hard for a CHILD (throughout most of childhood, not just up till 2!) to learn to accept.
Here are my favorites. Assuming your child has a syndrome or condition when all they really need is your attention, more sleep or more discipline. Worrying what your child thinks of you. Grow up already. My all time favorite is assuming your child is a little grown up in a small body. Believing that they can remember things, feel things and reason like an adult.
LA Non Permissive–It is the language in the article that I think frames the techniques as punishments and insists there must be a punishment.I agree with you that a lot of times it is how you frame it.And I didn’t write that to criticize other parents–just to point out that the article shouldn’t be so absolute about punishments and parents attitudes towards it. My philosophy doesn’t come from a squeamishness about discipline, it comes from a reasoned place and an understanding of my own daughter and myself.I always think to myself–where is this behavior coming from? Is she tired, hungry, confused, frustrated? Is it a one time thing? Then maybe we just need to get home or somewhere calm. Is it constant? Then when I’m calm I need to think it through so I can anticipate and prevent it.The closest to a “punishment” we got was this: Once my daughter drew on the wall and we cleaned it up together and I told her that she can only draw on paper. Next time she draws on something other than paper, we will put the crayons away for the rest of the day so she can remember. It happened, we did. The next day she pointed to where we put the crayons away and said, “Only on paper.” I asked her if she understood what happens when she uses the crayons somewhere else and she said, “Put them away.” She didn’t feel she was being punished–I didn’t tell her she couldn’t do something else fun…just that we would take a break from the crayons and do something else.Like you said–I don’t care how others view my parenting…just how my husband and I feel about it and how my daughter understands it.Most of the time, I set limits and then point out her choices within those limits. With my two year old, for example, she’s currently very into doing things on her own. If she can do something “on her own” safely and within those limits, that’s fine. If not, then I do it for her. I don’t treat it as a punishment, just the way things are. She can either get in her car seat or I will do it for her. She can either put her shoes on (green, orange, whatever), allow me to put her shoes on, or she has to be carried. She can hold Mommy’s hand, Daddy’s hand, or both of our hands in the parking lot, but when “cars are around” she has to hold an adult’s hand…etc.
Where can I find this book “How to Prevent Emotional Problems Before They Start”? Google gives me no love.
To Anon on 8/22/2008 at 4:27 PM:uh, yeah…kids can’t *feel* things at all…y’all should read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
“The litmus test I use is if you’re embarrassed in front of your friends, it’s a problem.”This advice is ridiculous but I dont necessarily believe that it means you as a parent have a problem either. In front of friends with kids, I am embarrassed when my daughter has a meltdown, because we all know how judgy other parents can be, even if their kid did the same the day before! In front of friends without kids, I get embarrassed because most of them just don’t understand kids. My hangups? Yes…but it doesnt affect my discipline or handling of the situation–I handle it firmly, patiently and efficiently and cringe with my husband later. I agree with Calimama–we use timeouts rarely and only for serious misbehavior that can cause harm. Mostly, our daughter has a choice on how to behave and the limits/scenarios Calimama posted are very close to our own. It makes it a lot easier when she has a “say” in her behavior, then just telling her what to do and not explaining WHY we do things that way.
I have loved every article I have read on Babble…until now. It seems these days everyone is an authority just because they have an opinion. Numerous articles have been published on Babble that contradicts every point this article brings up (with the exception of being overly permissive). So are those “experts” wrong? This kind of BS is what makes parenting today so frustrating and confusing. Every time I think I might just have a grip on things, some a-hole expert tells me I’m doing it wrong. But I tell you what; I have 2 very happy, healthy, and somewhat well-behaved kids (though not perfect Stepford Children) so I must be doing SOMETHING right (even if it isn’t the way I’m supposed to be doing things according to this author and others.)
While I think permissive parenting is indeed more harmful than authoritarian parenting, there is a better alternative. Like many of the other posters I tend to use non-punitive measures – such as distraction and redirection. Not only does this work well in my own home (my son is 2) but I’ve seen it work well with other families and in a child care setting. I did some volunteer work at a child care center that works with kids that are typically developing as well as developmentally delayed. This was an invaluable experience. Some of these kids had significal behavorial problems. Kids were talked to about their emotions, positive reinforcers were used, transitional objects were used when switching from one activity to another, and kids were often redirected. I remember one child who would get frustated and upset, sometimes his behavior was quite unprovoked. Consoling him did not seem to work and so he was told that if he was feeling frustrated that he was free to have some “quiet time.” At first he would need to be reminded, but gradually he began to initiate it himself, announcing he needed “quiet time” and then go to the book area to sit and recollect himself. The methods used although they often took much perserverance and patience on the part of the staff, lead to remarkable results.The problem I have with the article is that poorly defines “permissive parenting.” I think that many might describe the techniques mentioned above as permissive parenting simply because they do not conform to more traditional ideas – the sort of “spare the rod and spoil the child” – idealogy that many past generations grew up with. I also disagree that it is wrong to think a child will grow out it. I don’t mean that problem behavior shouldn’t be dealt with, but I question that any supposed “expert” in child psychology no less, would be so dismissive of developmental stages. Children aren’t just miniature aldults and developmental stages as well as environmental stressors are relevant. So yes, limits should be set but I think there are good ways and not so good ways to do so. I also think that it is important to set limits that take into account the age of your child and their maturity level. Certainly what you expect from them at 2 is not going to be the same as what you expect from them at 18.
Messy, messy, messy – three common mistakes in two pages? Hardly informative at all. I felt the one point that I liked was the “there should be as many rules as years in the child years” bit. But what are three appropriate rules for a three year old? I have some ideas, obviously, but there just isn’t enough information to use any of these “tips” very well.
…looks like a whole bunch of pussyass parents here…finding excuses to not whack on the backside with a sandal when necessary.
Calimama – thanks for the clarification. Your parenting does sound very much like the parents I know who I think tend to reframe parenting methods. I think the crayon consequence you set is a functional and loving boundary. I think we all get hung up on the words (at least I do) and not the practical parenting methods. The words used to describe parenting can mean different things to all of us and it is so much more helpful when we talk about practical real world approaches to parenting. BTW You sound like a great mom! Not that you care what I think:)
it does seem as if this articles hit a raw nerve with several people…we often think we’re doing a better job than we are, and it hurts when people point it out…and are right! No one has the answer to great parenting, but it all boils down to providing a safe and loving environment. Which does not necessarily exclude punitive punishment. I was spanked, and I adore my parents. It drives me crazy when people say that spanked children are more aggressive and will be more violent-prone adults. My siblings and I are incredibly calm and loving (we have other shortcomings….!) Having said that, I don’t spank my children. But I also don’t remember doing to my parents what my children do to me (tantrums, wailing…). We all do what we think is best given the times and our own circumstances. Our children will say we had it all wrong, and do their own thing. I’m sure they’ll love us anyway!