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Parenting Means Catching Vomit in Your Bare Hands … and Other Things

parenting means 2

Oh, Parenting, you wild and wonderful adventure, you. Just when we think we’ve got you all figured out, you remind us we never had a clue. You humble us, poke fun at us and bring us incredible joy. You do these things and so much more, but not a moment before making us all-around better people for simply knowing you.

While the parenting experience has been known to mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, certain universal truths remain. Let’s take a look!

Parenting means…

… MacGyver-ing a makeshift diaper out of used Starbucks napkins, bobby pins and resealable sandwich bags.

… not hesitating to catch vomit with your bare hands and then congratulating yourself for it.

… banning junk food for your kids and then binging on Cheetos and Oreos from your secret stash.

… secretly hoping there’s a child that behaves worse than yours in your kid’s class.

… catching yourself using a swear word and turning it into a word that doesn’t really make any sense, “What an a**-sssssss-tro-naut!”

… always having to say, “Say sorry.”

… paying top dollar for a replacement lovie on eBay at 4 am.

… using the bathroom in front of a live audience.

… finding random Barbie shoes, broken party favors, and used Band-Aids at the bottom of your purse.

… becoming a human trash can. “Mommy, hold this.”

developing super human parenting powers.

… cutting tags out of every piece of clothing your child wears because they find them “scratchy.”

… trying your absolute hardest not to laugh when your kid does something totally hilarious because it’s completely inappropriate.

… reminding your kids not to suck on pennies … or lick doorknobs … or put peanuts up their noses.

… leaving a very full grocery cart in the middle of the store to deal with an epic meltdown involving Scooby-Doo fruit snacks.

never talking on the phone for pleasure again.

… eating cold, rubbery meals long after your kids begrudgingly consumed their hot ones.

… fishing poop out of the bathtub.

… making home design choices based exclusively around durability and stain camouflage.

… buying new jackets every week because your child keeps losing his.

… grooving to Disney soundtracks, even when you’re all alone.

… wondering what you ever did wrong to deserve such madness.

… wondering what you ever did right to deserve such awesome kids.

… breaking every last “parenting rule” in the name of survival.

… bribes. So. Many. Bribes.

… yet another birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

… tearing your house apart to find a Lego the size of a grain of sand.

… wearing a sleeve of Rainbow Loom bracelets like a boss.

… inside jokes involving Elsa, Elmo and Caillou.

…”gifts” of rocks, rollie pollies, flowers, and bits of broken bottles from your kids.

… reminding your kids to wear clothes in public.

 

But these are just a few of MY favorite (and least favorite) things. Let us know what parenting means to you in the comments below!

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10 Things Motherhood Isn’t

Dear New Mom, There Are Some Things I Want You to Know

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