Check out Secret Sadness: My Battle With Depression and Anxiety [Part I] first, otherwise this post will have you all kinds of confused.
I popped my first pill without water in the parking lot. As I started my car, Joni Mitchell’s River began to play.
“I’m so hard to handle,
I’m selfish and I’m sad.
Now I’ve gone and lost the best baby that I ever had.
I wish I had a river I could skate away on.”
Yeah, I wish I had a river too. I drove home and greeted my son and husband. I placed the bottle on the counter, “Well, no antibiotics, just antidepressants,” I said.
My husband and I talked for hours about my sadness. It was the first time I allowed myself to be really honest about it all. He’d been so patient and supportive for the better part of a year. He’d been mourning the loss of his spirited wife while I focused on my own darkness. It was all I could do.
Here’s the thing about depression, or at least my battle with depression and anxiety: I was fully aware of every hurtful thing I was doing to my family. I knew what I needed to do to break free; I just couldn’t do it. It was like seeing all the answers right in front of me and being paralyzed. It’s the most horrifying thing to look through the dirty window of your own life.
In time, antidepressants began to clean my life’s dirty window and light began to shine though. The web that held me began to release and little by little I began to feel like myself. I had more energy. I called up a friend just to chat. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I hadn’t done those things since I could remember. It was happening slowly, but it was happening. For the first time in what felt like ages, I had hope. My period gradually went back to normal. My sore throat finally healed.
We visited the same friends we had on that sad New Year’s Eve. My girlfriend pulled me aside and said, “You’re back. I missed you.” Wow, she knew. Here I thought I’d hid the shame and sadness so well.
I remained on antidepressants for the better part of two years and when I discovered I was pregnant with BooBoo, I made the scary and calculated decision to get off of them.
I’m no longer ashamed of the sadness I felt or the medication it took to bring me back. My only regret was not asking for help sooner. Depression doesn’t just prey on the weak; if only it was so discriminating.
Please, please if you’re silently suffering, don’t allow depression and anxiety to steal your light; you don’t have to.
The battle is fierce but the battle can be won. In fact, it’s won every single day.
My goal in motherhood is to keep shining my bright light. There’s just way too much happiness to miss out on even a single moment, my friends.
Do you have a story of hope to share?
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