Should an Out-of-the-Picture Parent Split the Birthday Party Fee?
JD’s karate kid birthday party is this weekend. I paid for the last parties alone, so this time I emailed his father who pays child support that covers basic needs and asked him to chip in. He’s never sent a birthday or holiday gift (no one in his fam has either, tsk!). He doesn’t contribute to JD’s 529 college plan. So in addition to my contribution of basic need support, I handle all of the fun stuff on my own and it’s expensive, but worth it. I thought since 5 is a milestone birthday, the father would help out a tad.
I told him I’d cover the favors, balloons, pizza, cupcake cake, snacks, extras and wanted him to split the location fee with me. Basically I was asking for $150. He said no. Said the entire thing was excess and inappropriate. This pissed me off. I think it was inappropriate to leave me in the snow when I was pregnant with his child. I think his lavish proposal to his wife that included a surprise trip out of Indiana to an exclusive city and diamond ring was … NOT excess. It was special and beautiful. It was what you do for people you love and care about.
I read the proposal story online and it was truly magical. He probably saved up for it. He planned for it. He made it work. And I’ll make JD’s party work. Whatever, it’s already paid for and since I’m a blogger, Lego kindly donated Ninjago spinners for the goody bags in addition to the stuff I bought.
My problem here is more about what child support should cover—and food, day care, clothes, health insurance— you know the basics that keep us alive are crap and I’ve decided to write a letter to my congressman expressing this. In short, there needs to be a fun fee. Being a parent isn’t just about making a balanced meal and bringing your child to work-related day care. It’s about…Mini golf, the beach, the zoo, the museum, the carnival (see above photo), sports, karate class, movies. It’s about fun stuff that costs money. And trust me, we do plenty of free fun things too: Park, PetCo, hiking, volunteer work, freeloading at Uncle Carlo’s beach condo, but still a parent should financially contribute to the magic of childhood and sometimes that includes a karate birthday party—or a freaking birthday gift!! My son is NOT spoiled, but my son is blessed. We lead a very active, healthy, busy lifestyle. It’s not excess or extreme, it’s normal. A birthday party is normal. Zoo admission is normal. Ice cream after dinner is normal. I didn’t ask the father to split a trip to Paris with me so JD could tour the city and eat steak frites.
What burns the most is that I know JD’s half-brother is having his fun and God bless him, he should. But his father should help pay for his first son’s fun too. Regardless, fun we will have. I’ll work more. I’ll make it happen. Mom’s got this, kiddo. Always have, always will. Let’s kick it at the karate party!
Do you think both parents should pay for the fun part of parenting?
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More from me:
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Single Mom Life: I Danced Till 4 AM and My Kid Got up at 6 AM
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Proposal story? Link Please!
Thanks for sharing guys! I love having new readers here that are just joining our journey!
I hope JD has a wonderful 5th birthday. Sounds like you’re doing all you can to make sure JD is brought up in a loving home with loving family. Sadly his biodad will never get it. He hasn’t manned up yet so there really isn’t any reason to think he’ll start. Shame on him and his wife. He will regret not wanting to be part of JD’s life. Men like him are just selfish b@#%^#ds. I read your blog and have enjoyed your perspective on life as a single mom with one terrific son.
I hope JD’s dad reads this too. Take it from a daughter who’s dad left his first two sons by his first wife and never looked back, it will haunt him the rest of his life. I’m sure his younger son is wonderful and loved – I was too. But my dad, who HAD a conscience, died never knowing two sons and six grandchildren. It haunted him every day. JD deserves a kick-ass birthday party, and it’s awesome that you’re going to make his birthday wonderful, as you have the last four, but his dad should be contributing $$. God forbid he actually send a friggen card.
A heart of stone that guy has. Stone.
Mauh xooooo
Wow, he can’t spend $150 on his son’s birthday? How does he justify his behavior to himself? How will he be able to justify it to JD someday? Besides how he’s treating JD, I really think he is denying his other son a great opportunity to get to know and love his half-brother. It doesn’t have to be this way. My parents are divorced and remarried, my husband’s parents are divorced and remarried…so we are a big, complicated family, and I think that’s great! I just don’t understand why he can’t make room in his life and his family for his SON.
Jemma-
I 100% agree. Getting to know my father rather late in life was the right step for me…but no matter what he does now he cannot make up for those 19+ years! It is HIS loss and it’s up to him to figure out how to deal with it. Even now (I’m 32) I do not try to make him feel better about it! JD is lucky like I was…he has an awesome mom and a wonderful family. When I look back at my childhood I never think of my dad not being there…I think about how my mother freaking rocked!
Christine-Your son will have those memories of you too. He won’t remember his “father” not being at preschool on Father’s Day, I promise.
I never comment — but having just had a baby boy 6 weeks ago I cannot contain myself- this guy is a sick individual! What the hell is wrong with him? I’m also appalled that his wife does not step in and make him accountable!! I really think there is something very wrong with both of them- they are cold, heartless people. He cannot swing $150 for a party??? Excess?? I mean-this guy does not deserve the honor of being JD’s dad.
Weird how we keep trying and hoping for a miracle don’t you think? G’s dad comes and picks him up every other weekend and gives me a misery every few weeks when I text him and remind him it’s been two weeks since last time and he usually makes me wait another week… He did help out by buying some things (plastic wear) for his bday party last year and g’s grandpa pays for all of his wrestling stuff… I do have to usually argue with him though every few weeks about things like going to the movies, or field trips with the summer camp, he gave me a hard time about him wanting to join the band to play the percussion kit even though he did pitch in after all. So I guess I can’t complain too much… Why don’t they get it? He wrestles, swims, and wants to play an instrument not because he wants to be a “band geek” because he’s a well rounded kid.
Keep being the bigger person and giving dad opportunities to help and be involved. Down the road-you’ll have no regets and dad will have to live with his. Enjoy the party!
I agree! It was not until about 6 months ago that we won custody of my husbands girls. Not once has there mother offered any money or paid any child support for the girls while the court decided which parent the children should live with. Long story short there mother has mental problems. During the 6 month court proceedings the girls lived with us but she was not obligated to pay anything. Not once did she offer and the one time my husband brought up how she should help she said she didn’t have any money, yet on her supervised weekend they went to the water park! He faithly paid her every month when she had custody and even took the girls shopping on occasion, plus helped out with party’s, etc. Even then that was still not enough for her and cant even count how many times he was called ugly names because she wanted more and now that’s it’s her turn to pay she simply says I don’t have it! This month she was finally told she had to pay us child support and we still have yet to see the first check! What makes it now less her responsibility to pay or buy the extras because they no longer live with her?
Christine- how can I email you and send you a paypal check? My husband and I want to split the facility fee with you.
Courtney, you are adorable. This is not about money. I do not need any money. I am employed and just fine. This blog was about the lack of a father’s moral compass. He won’t even send a gift or call and say, “Hey son, happy bday!” I was giving him a chance to be a … dad. He failed. Again. But thank you, you are sweet. Best to your hubs too. The par-tay is paid for. And the college fund is growing. xo
This actually made me tear up. I live this everyday with my son. It’s just unbelievable.
After reading Storked, Rattled, Mama’s Boy, and your work for Babble, I am not surprised that his father refused to pay. I just hope he remembers this when his other child turns five and he’s writing a check for the big birthday bash.
Please blog about JDs party next week – I hope it is great. E’s 5th birthday party is this weekend too. We are going to have it at a circus skills training center, the kids will be flying through the air. I am a Choice Mom so I cannot complain about parental involvement but is it too much to ask that the other parents at least get back to me about whether they are coming or not. I don’t have a lot of help (my sibling who lives in the area has two small kids of his own so I hate to ask unless it’s an emergency) and not knowing how many people to expect is really hard for planning purposes. The worst part is trying to figure out how to carry everything by myself and having to cart around a lot of stuff for people who may or may not come is a pain. I deliberately booked a time for the party when I only had to to provide snacks and cake because I could not handle more than that. I think I got responses from about 60% of the invitee’s and you know the first person to RSVP was the only other single Mom in the group. That says volumes to me.
One day this man will be old and grey and filled with regrets. Enough said.
These are really emotional posts and I want to say thank you for getting your emotion out – It’s healthy. This blog was not to bash him, but it was in fact, to show that I am willing to invite him in and I don’t think his family expenses are “excess.” I also had a 20k sweet 16 but that’s a diff blog. ha!!
It’s just puzzling!!
Yeah they’re all over the web. More than that one link someone posted. I always thought JD looked like you, Christine, but wow does he look like his dad. And now I give you even more credit for being able to brush off the “look at their adorable happy little family!” narrative they have plastered everywhere. Well, you’ve got your own “kickass single mom whose son adores her” tale all over the web too, so that’s great! Have tons of fun at the big FIFTH birthday party today!!!
He’s the one who has to live with what a POS he is on the inside, no matter how many happy family pictures he puts on the web. He doesn’t deserve to be a dad to JD and he never will. And you ROCK.
I am a total fan of your blog, admire the loving relationship you have with JD and love that you’re such a kick ass single mom doing a GREAT job. I also agree that JD’s is making a huge mistake by not being a part of his son’s life. (I’m not going to call him any names, although I am tempted.)
The only thing I disagree with in your post is the need for a “fun fee.” Yes, raising kids is so much more than providing necessities but I really don’t think a father should be legally required to pay additional money for his children to have “fun.” And I speak from experience.
I am married and have one child with my husband. My husband was divorced from his his first wife and they had a daughter together. The daughter lives with her mother. Both my husband and his ex-wife made approximately the same amount of money per year and he paid child support. That meant at the end of each month his daughter and ex-wife (a family of 2) ended up with more money to live on than our family of three. Throw a “fun fee” in there and…well, the new child is the one who would be losing out and living on even less.
I’m certainly not trying to buck the tide, just pointing out the other side of the story. JDs father is nothing but wrong for not being a part in his life but it is a little over the top for single moms to want to be compensated for having “fun” and spending quality time with their child. That being said, I think you totally rock and are an awesome mom and terrific blogger.
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@leah- how is it that your family ends up with less money each month? Do you work? That might be why, but the ex shouldnt be penalized because you dont work (which if you can swing it, great) but cs is calculated off of both salaries and im sure the ex spends more money than the courts decided the child needs each month. The courts dont take into account that one family is 3 people and the other is 2.
Dont know where i got CP from….meant CC.
It’s ironic that you met him with a mask on. What’s funny is you are probably the only one who ever seen him take it off. Yeah $150 is excessive to them in their wannabe NYC life with their trendy condo and trendy son’s name. Truth is he couldn’t hack it here and went running back with his tail between his legs and his mask back on.
@danielle I thought the same thing when I saw that condo. I think the condo shows the child support certainly isn’t a financial hardship for them, and the tons of professional photo shoots are “excess” – how about that?
Be careful what you assume by looking at pictures. In the age of social media and digital photography, it’s easy to create a “perfect family” narrative. For all any of you know, the photographer could be doing free work for friends to boost her portfolio. Owning a condo is completely different from renting one. Custom made furniture doesn’t mean anything either. Material goods and pretty pictures do not a happy family make.
Also, the people posting mean comments on the photographer’s blog are just as trashy as A. Seriously?
Great Blog! I am in a similar situation except I am the stepmom & we have sole custody of my stepson. His mother is MIA & does NOT pay CS. She has all of my hubby’s contact info but she refuses to be a part of her son’s life. She has 2 other children & bc of the Internet we see pics of their “excessive” lifestyle. The court ordered her to pay CS (way back in 2005) & we have never seen one penny. We live in TX and TX is a state that goes after parents that don’t pay their CS. However, in our situation I feel like the attorney general isn’t too concerned with our case bc it involves a female payor! We pay my stepsons expenses 100% and beyond. My hubby and I are responsible for the day-to-day stuff and the “fun” stuff. My stepson is turning 13 next month and you know as children get older they need and want more stuff and “fun” stuff gets more & more expensive. I think what burns me up the most is that I know in 10 or 15 years when my stepson is on his own she may decide its time to be a part of his life and then my hubby & I will have to share all his important milestones with a stranger (for ex: his wedding, the birth of his 1st child, etc). I say stranger bc she doesn’t know my stepson….she stopped knowing him when he was 5 yrs old. But in the end we (my hubby & )I will have to be accepting of his “mom” in his life bc all he’s ever wanted is his mother’s love & attention. Kudos to all the parents, stepparents, grandparents, aunts & uncles, and friends that step up when the other parent decides to drop out.
I love the idea of a karate party! Great idea and I hope JD loved it. Wonderful that it combined birthday fun with some physical activity!
Yes, A for Asisnine should be MORE than happy to throw money at a party. You’d think the guilt alone would compel him to.
But he didn’t.
He hasn’t.
And he won’t. Ever.
I have an ex that shares the half ass thinking brain that all single fathers share for some reason. My kids with him are now 17 & 20. That’s lots of parties, ice cream, etc. I used to ask, in the beginning. But each time he said “No”. I sensed he felt like he had some control over mine and their life. Not happening. It was also humiliating after awhile. I realized I was doing it hoping he would realize what he was missing, feel responsible. After awhile I realized everyone I knew that had half a conscious would agree with me, I needed to let it go. I was also told things were in “excess”. I can pretty much guarantee from YEARS of experience that he read or told the total dimwit (what do women see in men who abandon pregnany gf’s??) about it and those are her words. One shiny 10×13 of thier child costs more than JD’s bday, so shut up, excess..
If he would have pitched in, would you have told JD? Then what? He’s better off without those glimmers. I could tell you things that were done and said to my kids would made JD”s dad look innocent.
His identity is basically now fully exposed. I LOVE how Christine didn’t even have to do anything vengeful but karma is still f******* him up.
O.K., I’m totally on board with the deadbeat dads suck concept–my eldest daughter’s father comes from out of state to our town to visit his nieces and nephew (and posts so much fun we are having pics on FB) without even contacting his own (and only) child. That sucks. He sucks. I’m also totally on board with the idea that not acknowledging your kid on special occasions is heinous. I’m right there with you. But I certainly CAN’T be the only one who thinks $300 for just the FACILITY for a kindergartner’s birthday is out of control. All these people commenting that the dad is horrible because he won’t kick down $150 for a place to have a child’s birthday seems strange to me. I get that it’s the PRINCIPLE of the thing (mostly), but, holy cow! A father ignoring and neglecting their child is unacceptable–but I would (rightfully, in my opinion) balk at that price tag, too. Why not start in the reasonable range? Because, at this point, dad now feels totally justified in denying the request–and all his friends/family will be able to support him in that denial.
I want to comment so bad but i am going to repect Christine’s request that we dont write anymore on here about JD’s father, wife or chldren.
Cant wait to read about Jd’s karate party !
So we aren’t allowed to talk about the hipster flop do? I kid. I hope you guys can work this all out one day and can get some peace in this situation. No one wins or loses but the child. The birthday party sounds like it was pretty darn cool
70 comments! Wow! Thanks guys.
So glad JD’s party prevailed! Looks like you had a lot of fun.
Karen, why does Christine refer to you as Dad’s girlfriend, if you are a “Coppa”? Wouldn’t that make you his wife?
@Amy – watch what you infer, it could get you into a world of trouble. Are you deranged? Listen to the famous Wondercat – I read the paper one day and it said it was going to snow…12 inches. It turned out to be 75 degrees and sunny. “Facing” and getting are two very different things..not that you should have an interest in it. And “nearly a million and millions are very different.” Warren Buffet and I are pals and talk $$$ all the time. Also – you referenced a $20000 sweet sixteen…..this leads me to believe you are a long-time reader so why you are commenting now is beyond me. The guy’s has a proven track record of being a mouse right down to incorporating his business in the great state of Ohio as opposed to his home state of “Indy.”
And everyone discussing my son visiting A and A needs to school themselves in NJ Family Law. Indiana has nothing to do with us. NJ NJ NJ. Come to NJ!
You know what says it all? Actions speak louder than words. I’ve read the books and blog since day one and NOT ONCE have I heard/seen any attempt from JD’s father to attempt visitation except for a lame accusation that Christine will not allow her five year old son to go to Indiana by himself. I wouldn’t let my five year old child meet a stranger alone!?!?
@Amy-sounds like your friends are rationalizing their poor decisions. You can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t send my 5 year old to complete strangers. Sorry. They have no choice but to be in his son’s mothers life, that’s what happens when you create a child with one person and go marry another.
If they want a relationship with his son then they need to grow up and deal with his mom too. That’s life, for all blended families. You make it work, for the kids, because you are the adults!
@Amy
You state that the only one to accompany JD to Indy would be a therapist? As a mental health therapist, I can assure you that a therapist would listen to the wishes of the primary guardian of JD, not a parent who does not have custody and is not in the child’s life. If JD’s father wishes to see his son, a federal court would mandate him to come to New Jersey for supervised visitation and possibly undergo a psychological evaluation. Please do not make uneducated speculations. You also state that the readers of this blog are only hearing one side of the story. Well, since you are not a friend of Christine be assured that you are also hearing one side of the story. I can appreciate the dedication you have to your “friends,” but please do not bash a family you do not even know. Try to release your negative energy… it is the key to inner bliss. <3
Whoa! How did we get from helping to fund a birthday party to “everyone knows your dad is going to jail.” Talk about a leap. And, Amy, regardless if guy thinks THIS birthday party was/is excessive, the point is still being made that he is not participating/acknowledging in ANY way for ANY occasion. That is tragic and wrong. He doesn’t like mom? Fine. Don’t send HER birthday or Christmas presents. But he is being cruel to and dismissive of a small person who deserves better. He needs to man up. And new woman would be VERY wise to keep an eye on how guy treats women he no longer sleeps with–because that is, in all probability, like looking into a crystal ball of her future.
Sorry for the THIRD comment Christine lol, I can’t seem to speak all of my peace, but in relation to your question on your blog, my daughters father IS still in her life and he refused to help me with the birthday party. He pays a meager amount of child support (88$ every two weeks!) and says that I should take it out of the child support for her birthday parties. I told him that’s for NECESSITIES and he should still help with her birthday party but he doesn’t see it that way. I asked for 100$ for the whole thing, and he flat out refused.
I feel your pain. And actually, I’m fairly poor so I really could have used the help, it wasn’t just a ‘you are morally obligated to help’ (which he IS!) thing.
I am lucky to be happily married with two beautiful little girls, BUT when I was in the dating world, whether it was someone I loved or not, there is NO way I would have stayed with a guy who had a kid that he chose not to see. What does that say about the kind of father/husband he would be? I could never be happy knowing that there is a child out there who isn’t experiencing a relationship with his father. It wouldn’t matter if he hated the kids mother, or if she was a stalker/psycho – in fact that would raise even more red flags about the kind of man he is by the women he chooses to have “flings” with. It’s maybe easier for JD’s dad’s wife to think of you as psycho, then she can justify their actions…but what if the tables were turned? What if he would have gotten her pregnant during his visit, but came back to NYC to be with you?
As a child whose father decided to give up his parental rights when she was 8 yrs old (yes he knew me, had visitation, my parents were married and then divorced), I can’t tell you the damage that occurs to a child in these situations. Luckily, I was able to make a much different life for my own children.
The point is that it doesn’t matter if Christine had severe schizophrenia or was a raging sociopath (she is neither of these things) THAT does not exempt this guy from knowing his son.
Wow how desperate for dirt can you be to follow someone’s entire family (her father really?!) online for years. You As (a holes really) are desperate and sad. And denial is really not a good look. Hard to beleive those pics are of a woman in her 30s, looks like she’s pushing 50. Christine has good skin care tips. You should read those instead.
To my sweet readers, hello, I would like to thank all of you for your support. This is not the first time a friend of theirs has reached out to me, but this is the first for a public forum – one that factors into my income that provides for JD. My family, especially Poppa Coppa truly appreciates your support. He is going through a very tough, complicated, matter in addition to battling serious health problems, i.e. he had surgery at Sloan Kettering – the world’s top Cancer hospital a few weeks ago and has been in remission since 2004. My family is strong. My dad is a rock and no matter what happens this Fall, he’ll have his family and especially his spit-fire daughter at his side. When I told my dad I was pregnant, he did not shame me, yell or make me feel less – he loved me and has loved JD from before he was born. Thank you again, my sweet readers – you have changed my life.
I would like to assume that all persons in this discussion are adults who have concern for children. If you do then this is not the place to “air” this controversy which should be kept within the family members.
JD is the innocent and airing this here is totally unnecessary. He is after all a five year old but he will not be that age forever. He should not be a subject of a discussion such as this on a public blog.
I am a pediatric nurse and clinical social worker. This is not healthy for JD in my opinion. He will learn about his family situation as time unfolds and it should be in a more private manner. I would encourage all of you to take this into private chambers and discuss among yourselves there and quit slinging stuff around in this comment section.
This situation is being resolved as if this was a middle school courtyard. I must say that I am quite disgusted by it. As a long time reader and commenter here, I will say that I have a lot of respect for Christine as a mother. As for how this is being handled, I do not have respect for either side of the situation. What possible good can slinging mud at each other via the internet do for JD? If you are fighting for something that has to do with the good of JD, that is admirable. But simply hurling accusations at one another does no one any good (except maybe the people on the internet reading your story who enjoy getting to see an inside scoop of the drama). I think it is time for both sides to step back and reexamine their motives in regards to the constant posting here. Take the childish antics and throw them to the side. Take your situation and deal with it privately and in a productive manner, whether that be a phone call or through the courts. And always keep in mind what is best for JD. Not what is best for either parent’s image.
Lorette Lavine: I am artist as is JD. JD is healthy and adjusted. My blog and book is testimony to our love. “Amy” started this drama to defend her friends – so don’t blame the work that supports my family on some immature woman. I’ve been contracted to blog about my life for 5 years, so this isn’t new.
Meredith, his reasoning has changed over the years. New story every week.
Aria Cole Asher, I agree! Their friend defamed my father on a public forum and called me names. I’m done discussing this. My next blog will be awesome though, so please keep reading xoxo
All,
Christine Coppa has asked that we allow Amy’s comments to remain, despite the fact that they’re in violation of the babble.com commenting guidelines that state we do not allow unduly hostile comments. We support Christine Coppa and all of our bloggers.
-Babble.com Editors
@Babble.com Editors, thank you for supporting Christine.
I am going to put a stop to this mere nonsense regarding the price of the birthday party. I’m sure GF Carlo, who probably nets more than the price of the party in a day will be happy to pay for Jacks sixth birthday party so we don’t have a repeat next year. Oh, wait…GF Carlo is giving him a special party on his real birthday. What a guy!
Christine, I will certainly continue reading. I enjoy your writing and have a great deal of respect for how you handle your life. I look forward to seeing what the future holds for you and JD. I hope that you and your family have the strength to support your father during this challenging time and justice prevails and your father’s name is cleared. Considering the situation revolves around defending your son and father, I can not legitimately say that I wouldn’t have been a spit-fire and acted in a similar fashion to you.
Coming from a somewhat similar background (young, single, college-educated professional), I think that sometimes we just need someone who can look at the situation more objectively to remind us of what is truly important to focus on. It is easy to find vindication through stooping to someone else’s level. It is difficult to stay composed and wait for karma to work its magic. I often need friends to remind me of this when I am passionate about something, so there is no judgement on this end. I just thought it was time for someone to mention that the whole purpose of the original post was what was best for JD (and other kids in similar situations) and that the outcome/comments had veered far from that. I genuinely wish you good luck in all of this and hope that the stress from all of these situations will soon die down and you can find some peace amidst the chaos. Some of the best moments in life come when we least expect it.
This blog was about child support and what it covers and what an absent parent refuses to pay for. It is an extremely relevant single parent topic.
Nothing this “Amy” person says about the Coppa family changes my opinion of them. #lovepoppacoppa #loyalreader4ever
In some ways, it seems like Chrissy is a choice mom ( and great for her!) and her child’s father is no more than a sperm donor. It’s horrible that he has nothing to do with his first child, and it has to be a sting that so many of the important events in his life coincide with JD’s birth month but honestly, isn’t the guy in the mid-west the least significant thing about the life Chrissy has created for herself and her child? If he wants to be insignificant, as supporters of Chrissy, let’s let him be. Her fabulous life (though sometimes hard like the rest of ours) is hers to live, and there is nothing that is or isn’t done by the sperm donor can take that away or tarnish it. As a long time reader of the blogs and books, I appreciate that Chrissy has always taken the high moral road, let’s support that rather than get into a bashing situation with those who are going to be defensive. You can’t make someone care, or behave well, if he never gives more than the sperm he donated I think that Chrissy and Jack will do better than fine.
Hi – I’d like to comment about your blog post… I ‘clicked’ on the story because this is something that came up recently in my life. Long story short – I have a daughter who is now 3, my husband left over a year ago and hasn’t been back since (I asked him to go for various reasons), he has been paying support, but I still don’t have alot of money to throw around. I recently signed my daughter up for soccer and I have been debating to ask him to help me pay for it. I am extremely happy that he is not part of her life and I really want to keep it that way – the less involvement the better. I am afraid of asking him for more money because, well… I REALLY don’t want him involved. To answer your original question, I do think both parents should pay for the fun stuff, but for me, I don’t want to ask.
I was hoping to read about other people’s stories here, but it seems everyone was more concerned about calling out your ex and prying into your personal life. It’s kind of a shame that the comments section turned into a verbal warzone. It truly is amazing some of the things people will say when they can hide behind the anonymity of their computer screen.
Christine-
A has made his decision regarding his involvement with JD. His loss. You’re a great Mother and role model for your son. JD is lucky to have positive male role models like your brothers and Poppa Coppa.
My son’s Father is what I like to cal a Disney dad. All fun and games. He doesn’t participate in his son’s life except for his weekends. He doesn’t contribute to the purchase of school supplies or school clothes. He definitely doesn’t contribute to birthday parties. I still invite him to the actual party and he never shows. He hasn’t been paying child support either. I provide health insurance for my son. It was too much of a hassle to get the info needed to get medicine from the pharmacy when he was sick. (health insurance is in his 3rd wife’s name) I prevail just like you. At the end of the day I know I’ve done everything I can for my child. He may not have all the newest gadgets or toys but he has tons of love. I think that’s more important than the money.
My advice to you…stop asking A for anything. Stop telling him about JD. Let him find out on his own. I’m speaking from experience on this one. The moment I decided to stop caring about my child’s relationship with his Father a HUGE weight was lifted off my shoulders. My son will figure out what type of person his Father is all on his own!
Can’t we all just get along? Sometimes, in situations as such, the best thing to say is nothing. Both sides.
I will continue to support you and read your blog Christine…good luck to your dad with his legal issues and as far as Amy goes (the insecurity is so clear is laughable)…she’s either refraining from reading this (hard to believe) or regretting having started this in the first place. It just shows you what kind of people she (they) are.
Best of luck…we will continue to support you and your family.
one love.
Uncle Carlo, I misunderstood the exchange between the women. I thought he had offered to see his son in indy…what you wrote made me want to cry….honestly, I always wandered why they didn’t use you to act as neutral third party between your sister and A? I was waiting for Christine to say that you helped them all come to their senses and work together.
@ Uncle Carlo- you are amazing. Jack and Chrissy are lucky to have a MAN like you around. Your comment made me cry.
#tripod
Allison said her story was “similar,” not a carbon copy of Saint Christine’s. Be nice, people, and as for telling her to “please do her research” – get over yourself. It’s just a conversation.
gina , you need to stop commenting – youre annoying the rest of us! GO away!!!
Cherie, you are adorable. Love you.
I have been informed by my editor this is the TOP VIEWED POST. Thanks all.
@Gina- “Saint Christine”? You tell people to be nice, yet you’re acting like a sarcastic ass.
I agree that Dad’s should have to pay for half of the “fun”, but if they are expected to pay half, then shouldn’t they get a say as to how much the “fun budget” is going to be? Perhaps, if you had spoken with your child’s dad before you made the plans, booked the venue, paid the fees, etc., he would feel more included and, in turn, would be more inclined to want to pay half. It just seems a bit unfair to expect any parent to hand over money without having a say in how it’s spent.
@diana, I was being sarcastic, you are absolutely right. Christine Coppa has a lot of fans who hate to see anyone suggest that she could do anything wrong. I was sarcastically suggesting that they hold her to a very high standard that she will be the first to admit (see above) she does not and cannot live up to! She has always been totally upfront, for example, about having unprotected sex that led to pregnancy. I don’t believe any woman needs to be a saint or pretend to be one.
@Gina, hell no, I am no saint!! lolz @lori, yep topics would be a lot different. I could explore: co-parenting, introducing a child to his dad, chilling with the wifey (I like wine, too) and other good xyz things – for now this personal mom blog does focus on some negative things when it comes to JD’s dad, because this is what is happening in life right now. I signed up to write a personal mom blog. I have no fear. I admire dooce.com and look up to her. she writes about her depression and divorce – it’s not pretty – it’s real. I don’t believe JD will be hurt by my blog – I think he will come to understand how his mommy’s life changed and how life isn’t a rose bud – I think this is a good lesson. Just me. I want JD to form his own opinions on his dad. For example, there is someone right now my dad despises, but whom I love and will always love – free will, man. But I also cringe and think WTF am I doing!!!!!
@mamaesq This was very insightful. Thank you.
I don’t think Christine should give up blogging. She was a writer before she was pregnant and continues to write, blog and work for top-selling magazines. In case anyone is wondering there is a blog titled “How We Live” in which JD’s father’s wife talked candidly about their lavish condo and hand-picked decor. If they can talk about their picture perfect lives and expenditures, Christine can blog about her life in NJ, and that life happens to include a man whose home has “red accents” and a “Kris Kringle” feel. This is JD’s dad. He left Christine when she was pregnant. They put a lot on the net and one day JD, Parker – all the kids will read it and I hope they all come to terms with the fact that all their parents made mistakes because they are human.
That was gorgeous @IndyMomLuvsNJ “I hope they all come to terms with the fact that all their parents made mistakes because they are human.”
3 parents made mistakes here.
I will not comment again on this one blog.
I just have to say how much I love Christine, JD, and Uncle Carlo. You all rock. That’s all
I actually see great signs pointing towards the families reconciling in the future—1) they talk about the needs of the child, 2) they don’t argue and curse each other out, 3) he entrusted her and her family to raise his child, 4) he pays his child support on time, 5) Christine keeps him informed about the goings on of their child—how many amongst us can say the same? How many divorce couples can even carry on a civil conversation about the well-being of their children?
On the other hand, the negatives are just so loud, so tone-deaf loud. 1) The families do not trust each other, 2) A doesn’t have a relationship with his child, 3) the Coppas (Ok, and society) judges his lack of parent-child bonding as anti-social behavior, 3) there is unfinished business between A and Christine. -Hey, there are less negatives than positive but the negatives are just so freaking loud!
How do the families reconcile? How does anyone reconcile? Be honest, how many of us are currently not speaking to a brother/mother/cousin/sister/child right now? Aren’t we all just a bunch of moralist grudge bearers descending upon this family drama b/c we can’t deal with our lives? If anyone has some suggestions, real suggestions, about how to reconcile a family pls share. I will have my pen in hand (although I should probably be working on a trial). Here are some things that won’t work: A cannot be morally coerced/bullied into establishing a relationship with his child and Christine cannot be expected to censor herself, give up her career, raise a child solo AND do all the work towards reconciliation. Any suggestions? I’m serious about this. Someone, much smarter than me (not hard to find) has to know the answer.
Carlo – there is not a person on this planet that wouldn’t benefit from therapy. Christine seems like a great mom, but clearly has some (legitima) residual anger towards JD’s father. The benefit of having a professional, impartial view might let her let go / come to terms with some of the feelings she has towards A. JD appears to be a happy, well adjusted little boy and Christine deserves every bit of praise for raising him so well, she also deserves not to carry around the baggage and be able to think of A as someone she used to know rather than the villain in the story. He’s quite obviously to everyone, a huge jerk, but he’s the one that’s missing out on his son’s life. He loses across the board.
I think it’s great that Christine is a voice of single mothers who’s partner walked out. Some
people think single mothers are drains on society, Christine shows the other side of it, she’s successful & is raising a well adjusted child without the help of his father. There are a lot of Christines out there that now have a voice.
Also, maybe this blog will come across another father/stepmother who have abandoned their
child & open up their eyes to what they are missing.
Keep on writing your truth Christine!!
All,
We have removed comments that reveal identities, are unrelated to the topic at hand, and/or are deemed unduly hostile. We’ll be monitoring the post very closely moving forward. Thanks, as always, for participating in the discussion.
Best,
Babble Editors
All,
I stand by my awesome editors at Babble.com Thanks for reading. Xo C
Cayte, did you not see the Babble Editors’ note above? Let it go.
This just boils my blood and I feel your pain from a different perspective! We have my SD 14 days a month, pay half of her private school, all of her insurance, dance, etc and pay Child Support to my DH’s ex and the kicker is she doesn’t even have her daughter during her half of the month. When it is her schduled time her parent’s (SD’s grandparents) have her and do you think she forks over the monthly child support we pay her to them for raising her child. Of course not! That would limit her party fund! SD actually told me that her mother brought all of her things (Meager as they were) from her apartment to her grandparent’s house and told SD she couldn’t come “visit” her anymore! Dumb A**, you don’t VISIT with your child! You raise them! But guess who shows up to meet the teacher and school and dance activities to look like the all star parent! It really broke my heart when SD told me her mother was dead!
You are doing a fab job with JD! He has a wonderful mother by his side. I have never commented before but I follow you often. Keep up the great work Christine, it really shows what a wonderful person and parent you are. I live in ky. The cost of living is very low here, in fact everyone is on welfare of some sort. $150 or $300 is not a lot when paying for a party. I pay the and then some every yr on my sons birthday party. Luckily my son was born right after the taxes hit the bank which is the only reason why he gets big birthdays. As I was lucky enough to purchase a home with my son and his father. Our home is big enough with acreage, hopefully future birthdays will be here at home to cut down costs on birthday parties. Best of luck to you and your family. I don’t know anything about your father but I wish him the best in what ever life has to offer him. Keep up the good work, your doing awesome. Lastly I hope that JD realizes who really gave him the great life that he lives. Have fun at the party!
Sorry, but i am afraid that i think the party was excessive to begin with. I have never spent nearly $150 total for any party for my kids and they have fun and so do their friends each time. I think if you receive the child support you are supposed to you have no right to ask a parent that has no contact with the child to spend more on them. Knowing that they have another child that they do spend on is nothing more than jealousy. You need to just let him step out completely and not expect this kind of exorbitant expenditures that you choose to be covered by him.
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