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Sh*t Kids Say

By Jen at PIWTPITT |

But why can't I wear this to school?

A reader gave me the idea to start keeping track of the funniest things I hear from the kids around me. I believe the quote was “Between kids and old people, they say the funniest stuff.” I couldn’t agree more!! I bleeped the title so you can share easily with your Facebook and Twitter friends and not offend them too much.

Of course, once I decided to write this Gomer (my 7-year-old son) and Adolpha (my 5-year-old daughter) weren’t their normal hilarious selves! Luckily, my friends’ kids (Clarence, Boris, Malachai, Eugenie and Olympia) came to the rescue.

As always, this is a work in progress so be sure to add the sh*t you’ve heard kids say to the comments below.

  1. Mommy, I can’t walk any further. My legs are out of power.
  2. What is a chicken nugget? Is it chicken or cow?
  3. Mommy, your hair looks like fur.
  4. Mom, could you even see me? ‘Cause I was running like a firebolt!
  5. Mommy, can’t we please have another baby? I promise I’ll be nice to this one!
  6. Who wants to play puppy tag? What’s puppy tag, Adolpha? Y’know, it’s like tag only we’re puppies.
  7. Gomer, what did you learn at school today? Nothin’, Mom.
  8. I’m too dizzy to clean up my room.
  9. Dagnabbit is for kids to say. Goddammit, is just for you, Mom. That’s right, Boris.
  10. Do any of your parents use the bank drive thru to get money? No, but that’s how my mom gets our fries!
  11. Mommy, can you sing the ABCs for me and I’m going to write them while you sing? A, B, C, D, E, F, G - Wait, wait a minute, too fast. Did you say A?
  12. MOM! Yes, Malachai? My friend Adolpha’s grandma was our mystery reader and she gave us Chinese New Year candy. It was so good and mom did you ever talk to Adolpha’s mom about the chicken and rice she gave us? It was so good. I want you to cook that. Oh mom, I told her it was my favorite. Oh mom, can you go find that? Oh mom, can I go play with Adolpha one day and John can play with Gomer? He’s Adolpha’s little brother oh I mean maybe he is her big brother. OK, goodnight.  Goodnight, Malachai.
  13. Adolpha and I were thinking. You should get some Pajama Jeans and a Forever Lazy — you would like both of those things. Or the Wonder File, it would really clean up your desk if you had one of those.
  14. Daddy, is Nationwide on our side? Nooo. Oh, so we must have a good neighbor like State Farm. Time to turn off the TV, Gomer.
  15. We’re rich, because we’re a little nerdy and Daddy says nerds have all the money.
  16. I like to fart in the car and gross everyone out because it is funny.
  17. Dad, I’m not playing games with you…now send mom up to tuck me into bed.
  18. Mom, did God make us in China?
  19. Mom, the laundry basket looks like a volcano. I think it’s time to do some laundry.
  20. Hey Mom, you know the word “duck?” Yes. If you take the “d” and make it an “f” you get “f*ck.” OKayyy. Where did you learn that, Gomer? The kid across the street told me. He said it’s bad though and I shouldn’t say it. Whoops. Is he right?
  21. Mom, I have a new rule for the house: I will help you. I will undress Eugenie every day and you will pay me for it.
  22. You don’t have to worry about how you look, Mom. Everybody is a little fat.
  23. When I’m five I can have beer. Five means beer. Says who, Clarence?
  24. Mommy, your “china” has a mustache.
  25. Mommy, is that what you’re going to wear to my school when you pick me up?
  26. Daddy, you’re HUGE! (5-year-old boy to his naked father. Needless to say, Dad felt pretty good for the rest of the day.)
  27. Daddy, why is his so much bigger than yours? (Same 5 year old boy in the locker room at the pool.)
  28. Hey Mom, you know Reginald, that kid in my class who’s always bugging me? Yes. Well, today he said ‘your mom thinks I’m a jerk.’ What did you say, Gomer? I just said, Ummm…kinda.
  29. Why is your belly so big?  Are you going to have another baby?  (No.)
  30. Mommy, you’re not fat.  You’re just jiggly and your boobs are kind of long.
  31. I spy with my little eye, something that is gray. I know!  Mommy’s hair!

I know you’ve got some good ones too, so let’s hear them!

Be sure to read my daily rants at People I Want to Punch in the Throat where you’re sure to laugh and/or might be offended (it’s where you can find my R-rated rants).

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More on Babble: Funny things kids say — right from the source!



More on Babble

About Jen at PIWTPITT



Jen is a blogger and author who recently published the book Spending the Holidays with People I Want to Punch in the Throat. She started her humorous blog, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, in April 2011. She has written for Babble, and has also been published in The Huffington Post. She resides in Kansas with her family.

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50 thoughts on “Sh*t Kids Say

  1. Beth says:

    My son who is 5 in a public bathroom says “Ahhh, this is the life, right Dad?” after taking a 15 min dump.

  2. Alex says:

    My daughter was about 6 months old at the time, and I was watching my 8 year old cousin. He saw my stretch marks and said “Who did that to you?” I answered “Baby Aurora did.” He looked at her and said “That’s not nice!!” I thought it was hilarious!!!

  3. Heather says:

    My 4 year old’s step-mom had a baby about 3 weeks ago. When asked “Alex, how do you like your baby brother?” his response was “I didn’t want a brother! I wanted a rooster!!!” WTF??

  4. Melissa Lochamy says:

    From my cousin’s son to my older aunt: “Sister, when did you decide to grow a moustache?”

  5. Melissa Lochamy says:

    My grandson, Grant, to me. ” Grammy, i know you’re not old, just your face looks old.”

  6. Sherry says:

    My daughter’s friend told me “miss sherry you look sooo pretty today!” and my daughter then said “yeah, you don’t look like a dude at all.” (really?!)

  7. Rebecca S. says:

    OMG, those are hilarious :) Thanks for sharing!! I have a four year old and they truely have crazy things to say!
    *he has an accident* ” Mommy, it was just a little leak, it’s okay you don’t have to spank me or anything” … after said spanking “Well Mommy, you’re hands are soft and squishy – not meant for spankings so that didn’t hurt”….

  8. Jennifer says:

    Mr M. (second grade teacher at a Catholic school) “Who can give me an example of a question your parents would ask you that would require you to answer more than just yes or no?”
    Aiden “What the F**K are you doing?”

  9. Marisa Blanco says:

    My 5-year old son: “Mom, is Nanny (my grandmother) old?”… “Yes.”…”Is she 34?” “No, honey, that is my age.”

  10. Mitzie says:

    My two year old has trouble pronouncing the letter r. So words like frog come out sounding an awful lot like f*uck. He also tends to mix up turtles and frogs (they are both green and both make mom say “ewww!”). We were at the library and librarian said “Aren’t you an adorable little boy?! What’s that on your shirt?” He yelled “F**KKKK!” and then smiled. Yeah, his shirt had a turtle on it.

  11. carrie says:

    My daddy has hair down there… It looks like a big brown beard.

  12. J. M. Bass says:

    While eating ice-cream in the food court, my son suddenly grabbed his head and yelled out, “Ahhhh, my brain stopped thinking!”.

  13. Debra says:

    Girl (after being told to go to her room for punishment) yells,”It’s NOT fair!! I’m being segregated!!”

  14. Underachieving Domestic Goddess says:

    Congratulations on bringing this brilliant blogger to babble! You have a new, loyal reader in me!

  15. Siobhan says:

    “Mr M. (second grade teacher at a Catholic school) “Who can give me an example of a question your parents would ask you that would require you to answer more than just yes or no?”
    Aiden “What the F**K are you doing?””

    This just made me laugh harder than I have in such a long time… i actually scared my husband who just heard me gasping for breath with tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. Thank you.

  16. Beth says:

    My 4 year old daughter has had some great ones! I try to write them down, but it’s so hard! A few months ago, she was sort of blowing her nose (without any tissue!) in the car. I asked her if she needed a tissue and she responded, “No mommy. I’m trying to blow my nose off!”

  17. Katy Carlson says:

    My 6 year old son: “It’s a good thing you’re fat, Mom. Everyone knows fat people are harder to kidnap!” Thanks, Son. Glad to be safe…

  18. Angela M. says:

    My 4 yr old daughter is telling me why she hates preschool in the car on the way to preschool. “…And I hate school because if you make bad choices you get put on RED, and I hate school because if you make good choices you get a treat. And I’m tired of seeing all the other kids get treats.”

  19. Beth-Ann says:

    See my muscles Carl?, (Mom (me) flexes her pecs.) Yes Mommy, but they are upside down.

  20. Jennifer says:

    My 3 year old daughter and 2 year old son were in their cribs at bedtime. My daughter calls to me saying , “Mommy, Georgie won’t stop saying penis. “. Me: “Georgie stop saying penis.”. Georgie: “I can’t.”

  21. Linda Cain says:

    My 2 yr old daughter was siiting on her Grandmother’s lap during Sunday morning services. Just as the Minister ask everyone to bow their heads, my Mother’s stomach growled.My daughter turned,looked up at her Grandmother and said into the silence, “Grandma , did you fart?” The church almost exploaded in laughter.

  22. R. W. says:

    The funniest I ever heard: “Mommy, the toilet paper needs new batteries!” (It was empty.)

  23. hayley stevens says:

    Pregnant with my third child my 3 yr old looks at my acne ridden skin and asks ‘mommy why do you have all these owies?’ ‘Because the baby makes mommy’s skin that way’ deep thoughts spinning through his mind….
    ‘Well at least you have beautiful eyes…’

  24. hayley stevens says:

    Same 3yr old boy after I stepped out of the shower 6 months pregnant ‘mom I really love your beautiful boobs but the baby will love them.even more cuz she will get delicious boobie milk from them!’ With a satisfied smile he walked out of the room….

  25. Michelle says:

    keep the list running! thanks- I am starting my own

  26. Melanie says:

    Slim: Mom, is your belly made of jelly ’cause it sure moves like it. Jelly belly–yeah!
    Me: Um, no.

  27. Joelle says:

    My daughter’s (4 years old) daycare called while I was at work and asked if I could bring out a pair of clothes for her as she had an accident. She had been potty trained since 18 months so I was a little shocked. I quickly drove a pair of clothes out and this is the conversation between my daughter and I.

    Her: Thanks mom, it was a accident.
    Me: Honey, that is okay, what happened?
    Her: I thought it was a fart.

    My kid sharted. Proud moment. hahahaha

  28. Brittany says:

    My daughter is biracial. My 7 yr old step son was playing with her one day and said ‘Grace is REALLY white’. I said, ‘no, Grace is half black ‘. He looked her up and down and said, ‘I don’t see any black ‘. LMAO.

  29. Halina says:

    My son and I, who was 5 at the time were in Wal-mart…we went to a register with the light on but the cashier was off doing something else. When she came around, she was a pretty big lady. Joshua, who obviously watches way too much T.V., points at her and says rather loudly, “Mom, she needs Mega Green Tea, it burns belly fat!!” Needless to say, my face was a brilliant shade of red.

  30. Athea Core says:

    I was putting on my makeup when my 3 yr old son asked me what that stuff was for. I told him it was supposed to make me look pretty. I asked him if it was working, he looked at me a minute and then said “Not yet.” Thanks buddy.

  31. Penny Broome says:

    I have lost 150lbs and then bore and nursed 2 kids. When my daughter was 3 or 4 and my son had just stopped nursing, she was n the room when I was geting dressed and she climbed on my lap and rubbed one boob and said “I love these long skinny things”.

  32. Melody Shea Francis says:

    A few yr’s ago,one of my day care kids said to me– ‘ is that the color grape Miss.Melody’

  33. Kimberly says:

    I have a ton. Write them all down so we can remember. I call them Declan-isms….

    Declan-ism (4yrs, 5mos, 1wk, 2dys)
    Declan: Can you get to heaven in a rocking chair?
    Me: You can get to heaven any way you want.
    Declan: I want to go in a rocket. You can go on the rocking chair.

    Declan-ism (4yrs, 2mos, 2wks, 2dys)
    Sitting next to me eating, me with a plate of watermelon on my lap… Aunt Elle asks, “What are you coming to my house to celebrate tomorrow?” Declan shrugs. Aunt Elle points at me and Declan says, “What… Watermelon?”

    Declan-ism (4yrs, 3dys)
    Riding in the car to school on Wednesday down the road we see an RV. Declan says, “Mom, I want an RV.” Me, quizzical, “Why do you want an RV, baby?” Declan, “So I can pee in it and wash my hands while it’s moving.”

  34. Kimberly says:

    Declan-ism (3yrs, 10mos, 1wk)
    Riding in the car the other day Declan said, “I want to tell you something Mom but it flew out of my head. As soon as it flies back in, I will tell you.”
    This morning getting out of the car he said, “The name of that car almost flew out of my head, but I caught it before it did.”

  35. Gina Bridgewater says:

    my then 6 year old was in Kindergarten and they were saying what type of animals their mommies were. Other moms got to be kitties or puppies because they are cute and sweet. My daughter said I was a hippo, because I’m “big and fat.”

  36. Becki says:

    After spending our first day at the beach together, the 3 year old I nannied for & I were getting changed out of suits in the bathroom together. I was almost completely changed when he asked if I was all dressed. I said “almost, buddy” to which he replied “Yeah, you just need to put your boobs on” pointing to my bra!

  37. Lauren says:

    My son says more ridiculous things than I will ever remember. Here are 2 that come to my mind from my almost 4-yr-old son:
    -I had given him a 5 minute lecture on why we don’t hit, hitting is bad, etc. I ended it with:
    Me: “did you hear what I just said?
    Son: “yes”
    Me: “what did I just say?”
    Son: “poops.”

    -The other is when we were waiting for my husband who was in the bathroom in a very quiet train station. My son shouted across the room: “DAD, I HEAR YOU PEEING!!”

  38. renee says:

    Mr M. (second grade teacher at a Catholic school) “Who can give me an example of a question your parents would ask you that would require you to answer more than just yes or no?”
    Aiden “What the F**K are you doing?”

    OMG, That was the funniest thing ever!

  39. Laura says:

    We asked our 7 year old if he wanted a new dog. He thought a moment and said “Can we get a love snake instead?” Uh, what’s a love snake? “It’s a rainbow colored snake that loves everyone!” Ok! He even drew us a picture.

  40. Kristin says:

    My 3 year old son said to me, as I was getting dressed, “Mom, your chest is wrinkly.” I wanted to make some comment about a total of 22 months of breastfeeding between him and his brother … but, I digress …

  41. Saci Boone says:

    My middle daughter could not say words correctly that started with an “s” followed by another consinent such as skunk or sticks. We were at a birthday party outside and Madison wondered off and was sitting under a tree. I asked “Madison what are yo doing” to which she replied rather loudly…. ” I breaking dicks mom”. Everyone was in stitches!

  42. Lacie Barnes says:

    I’ll never forget the first time this happened… I was driving down the road with my then 3 year old son, and we went over a rather large bump. My son started laughing hysterically! I look back and asked him what was so funny and he said, ” That tickled my PeePee!” lol! He was talking, of course, about the butterflies he got in his stomach! He continued this on for a good year, no matter how many times we tried to convince him it was his stomach that tickled!

  43. Catherine says:

    walking down the hall at school, my then 7 yr old daughter says, “Ssshhh. Mommy lean down (pointing to her ear). Can you hear the song playing in my head?” I just LOVED that!

  44. Jessica says:

    “Mom, I hope when I grow up that my boobies are nice and long like yours.”

  45. aleisha says:

    My 3 yr old son overheard my 9 yr old daughter’s best friend telling her “you could never be a model because you don’t have ‘attitude’” my son replied to the friend “well, my mommy says she doesn’t like my sister’s attitude.” It was too funny to overhear it and that ended that conversation before it got even more mean.

  46. ARay says:

    My 5 year old had a Puss N Boots stuffed cat from the Shrek movie. She insisted on calling it P-$$y despite my best efforts. I almost wrecked the car when she sang out from the backseat one day “I luuuuuuuv my P–$$y”

  47. Liz says:

    ” Mommy, if I had more Legos I’d build a giant statue of you because I love you so much. If Daddy wasn’t so hairy I’d build a statue of him too.”

    “Ah I love to smell my own farts so I can savor the flavor.”

  48. Laurie H says:

    I have 3 boys (9,15,18) so over the years I have heard some funny stuff, but my favorite from each one are the following: When my oldest was 6 or 7 we were sitting in the living room. His 2 front teeth were coming in after having lost them. He was looking in the mirror a little upset at how big his teeth were. I told him it was because he was little, but that one day he would grow into them. He looked at me and without missing a beat he said, “so one day you will grow into your your butt?” The next came from my 2nd child who was probably about 4 or 5 and I was in my room getting dressed one day. I had on a pair of thongs and my top and was bent over when he walked in and said, “oh mommy, you need a bigger pair of panties” When my youngest was younger, my husband’s ring tone for me was “I do cherish you”. He would walk around singing, “I doooooo, cherry shoooooes” It was so stinkin’ cute!

  49. Mommybea says:

    When my daughter was 3 yo she had a hard time saying “watch”. So when she wanted to watch her Elmo movie it came out “F*** Elmo”. After months of trying to get her to say watch without any improvement, I just started saying “I feel the same way, baby”.

  50. Domestic Goddess says:

    When I was potty training my 2 1/2 year old he was wearing a pull up and came in my room while I was getting dressed. He saw me wearing a thong and looked at me funny…”mommy, does your pull up hurt your bum? Because it looks like it does..”
    Great post!

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