A reader gave me the idea to start keeping track of the funniest things I hear from the kids around me. I believe the quote was “Between kids and old people, they say the funniest stuff.” I couldn’t agree more!! I bleeped the title so you can share easily with your Facebook and Twitter friends and not offend them too much.
Of course, once I decided to write this Gomer (my 7-year-old son) and Adolpha (my 5-year-old daughter) weren’t their normal hilarious selves! Luckily, my friends’ kids (Clarence, Boris, Malachai, Eugenie and Olympia) came to the rescue.
As always, this is a work in progress so be sure to add the sh*t you’ve heard kids say to the comments below.
- Mommy, I can’t walk any further. My legs are out of power.
- What is a chicken nugget? Is it chicken or cow?
- Mommy, your hair looks like fur.
- Mom, could you even see me? ‘Cause I was running like a firebolt!
- Mommy, can’t we please have another baby? I promise I’ll be nice to this one!
- Who wants to play puppy tag? What’s puppy tag, Adolpha? Y’know, it’s like tag only we’re puppies.
- Gomer, what did you learn at school today? Nothin’, Mom.
- I’m too dizzy to clean up my room.
- Dagnabbit is for kids to say. Goddammit, is just for you, Mom. That’s right, Boris.
- Do any of your parents use the bank drive thru to get money? No, but that’s how my mom gets our fries!
- Mommy, can you sing the ABCs for me and I’m going to write them while you sing? A, B, C, D, E, F, G - Wait, wait a minute, too fast. Did you say A?
- MOM! Yes, Malachai? My friend Adolpha’s grandma was our mystery reader and she gave us Chinese New Year candy. It was so good and mom did you ever talk to Adolpha’s mom about the chicken and rice she gave us? It was so good. I want you to cook that. Oh mom, I told her it was my favorite. Oh mom, can you go find that? Oh mom, can I go play with Adolpha one day and John can play with Gomer? He’s Adolpha’s little brother oh I mean maybe he is her big brother. OK, goodnight. Goodnight, Malachai.
- Adolpha and I were thinking. You should get some Pajama Jeans and a Forever Lazy — you would like both of those things. Or the Wonder File, it would really clean up your desk if you had one of those.
- Daddy, is Nationwide on our side? Nooo. Oh, so we must have a good neighbor like State Farm. Time to turn off the TV, Gomer.
- We’re rich, because we’re a little nerdy and Daddy says nerds have all the money.
- I like to fart in the car and gross everyone out because it is funny.
- Dad, I’m not playing games with you…now send mom up to tuck me into bed.
- Mom, did God make us in China?
- Mom, the laundry basket looks like a volcano. I think it’s time to do some laundry.
- Hey Mom, you know the word “duck?” Yes. If you take the “d” and make it an “f” you get “f*ck.” OKayyy. Where did you learn that, Gomer? The kid across the street told me. He said it’s bad though and I shouldn’t say it. Whoops. Is he right?
- Mom, I have a new rule for the house: I will help you. I will undress Eugenie every day and you will pay me for it.
- You don’t have to worry about how you look, Mom. Everybody is a little fat.
- When I’m five I can have beer. Five means beer. Says who, Clarence?
- Mommy, your “china” has a mustache.
- Mommy, is that what you’re going to wear to my school when you pick me up?
- Daddy, you’re HUGE! (5-year-old boy to his naked father. Needless to say, Dad felt pretty good for the rest of the day.)
- Daddy, why is his so much bigger than yours? (Same 5 year old boy in the locker room at the pool.)
- Hey Mom, you know Reginald, that kid in my class who’s always bugging me? Yes. Well, today he said ‘your mom thinks I’m a jerk.’ What did you say, Gomer? I just said, Ummm…kinda.
- Why is your belly so big? Are you going to have another baby? (No.)
- Mommy, you’re not fat. You’re just jiggly and your boobs are kind of long.
- I spy with my little eye, something that is gray. I know! Mommy’s hair!
I know you’ve got some good ones too, so let’s hear them!
Be sure to read my daily rants at People I Want to Punch in the Throat where you’re sure to laugh and/or might be offended (it’s where you can find my R-rated rants).
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More on Babble: Funny things kids say — right from the source!