The 20 Secrets All Women Keep
Ladies, forgive me as I spill the beans on the weirdly awesome goings on inside the brain of a woman. I have my reasons.
I recently read 5 Secrets From the Man Vault from MSN Living which I found to be equal parts disturbing and fascinating. When I shoved the article under my husband’s nose, he sheepishly admitted guilt to 3 out of the 5 secrets. Which 3 out of 5? He wouldn’t tell…because they were secrets. Ugh.
My estrogen levels soared as I felt the need to trump these 5 secrets with about a billion of my own – but why? I’m guessing it had everything to do with the fact that I was surprised by the man secrets. I always considered men to be the straightforward species. What you see is what you get; no surprises here. Women, on the other hand are a completely different story. We don’t say what we mean, we hear what men don’t say, and above all, possess the uncanny ability to get what we want.
So yeah, I expect secrets from women and unfortunately now, feel slightly suckered by men.
But men, I ain’t mad atcha. How could I be? Especially when women have been keeping these 20 secrets since the dawn of the ages.
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We save mementos from past relationships
Trust us, we're not still pining over that loser who slept with our best friend ... but we are saving that sweet love letter he gave us when we were 17. Remnants of our romantic past serve as reminders of how far we've come, memories of our younger days, and how good it feels to be loved.
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We secretly hate you a little ...
... For not having to push out a baby. We know it's not your fault, but still.
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We are mummies
The wires, the tape, the padding, the unbreathable 80% Nylon, 18% Spandex, 2% Cotton blend industrial body shaper. From what's underneath the dress, to the insoles and toe bandages, we are uncomfortable as hell under all this fabulousness. Image credit: Shutterstock
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We have access
DUN DUN DUN! It's not like we went undercover in some covert operation to uncover your deepest darkest online secrets (unless, of course you gave us reason to). The fact that your password is automatically stored on your computer and you never log out of anything makes it entirely too easy.
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When we say no gifts...
we're totally lying. Let there be gifts. Let there always be gifts. While we may swoon over the expensive (doesn't every girl?), we swoon a million times harder over the thoughtful.
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We use Halloween as an excuse
We judge women every day for dressing like hoochies, but when Halloween comes along we give in to the spooky forces of sexy. We blame the night.
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We are divalicious
When we're all alone, we sing and shake our booty with enough awesomeness to make even Beyonce blush.
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We pretend...
all sorts of things, including but not limited to: Being interviewed by Conan, having our very own cooking show, and that every single love song is about us (obvs).
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We take long showers...
to get out of doing stuff like watching the kids, talking to your mother on the phone, and cleaning up the breakfast dishes.
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We re-enact fights in our head...
with you, your mother, our mother, and our frenemies where we speak the impossibly clever and win every time. Badass.
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We spend way too much time...
Scrutinizing our face in a magnifying mirror; I mean really. We know every large pore, sun spot, unruly chin hair, and fine line. We then stay up nights thinking about them.
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Another name for shopping is...
"Errands". We have lots and lots of errands.
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We have girl crushes
Get your mind out of the gutter! Girl crushes involve lusting after a woman's style, superior genetics, wit, and undeniable charm.
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When you ask if we're wearing something new...
... We'll usually say no and act irritated with you for not noticing it before. (Remember to remove the tag, ladies!)
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We want to be wanted
Grab us, kiss us hard, pinch our butts, send a sext. We'll pretend we don't like it but we do. We really do.
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We can be disgusting
We eat peanut butter from a big-ass spoon right out of the jar, cake with our hands, and lick the inside of the empty potato chip bag...like a lady, of course.
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We're usually mad at you...
... For something, anything really. Estrogen's an evil bitch.
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We pretend we're the female lead in romantic movies...
... Because we'd make a way better Bella Swan than Kristen Whatsherface.
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We stalk our ex's Facebook profiles
Not because we're still in love but because we hope they age poorly in a sorry life of eternal loneliness.
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We look at porn
Ok, not porn-porn but mom porn. Christian and Ana? Oh yes...oh...yes...yes!!!!
Get it from Amazon, $9.57
What did I miss? Feel free to share your women secrets below!
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true
i don’t agree i think it’s bc some of them stick us with raising the baby while they do what they want
guilty as charged. : )
Seriously, I’m not going to click and load 20 stock images to get one sentence per page. Please kill the slide shows.
These are so true! You have me pegged- especially with being divalicious (though, not a secret around here-I’ve been completely red faced being walked in on while dancing and singing) and pretending. But, are you saying every love song ISN’T about me?!
pretty darn accurate!
I agree with lisa, I’m sooooo sick of slideshows! Is it so difficult to just type a story? Or simply put a numbered list?
I’m from another continent and you got 19 out of 20 right! I guess people are all the same.
i just died laughing….
this was just nailing the nail on the head im guilty as charged…..
YEAH RIGHT!!!! MAYBE 5, and that’s being generous, of those are true. Not all women are like this. Some of us don’t need shopping or to be treated like a typical woman to be happy. It’s all of you old fashioned girly girls that ruin it for the rest of us. Total bull crap. So disappointed that this is really what people think WOMEN are like.
I scored 10 1/2 out of 20. But I don’t keep the things I do a secret. My husband has seen me eat out of the jar and I have told him to bring home chocolate gifts. He knows all of my so called secrets.
1) Yes. I have an old love letter- my daughters father gave it to me when I was 18. I’m remarried.
2) No. Having a baby makes me feel superior. It may hurt but men will never have the experience.
3) No. I have never worn any of those girdle things.
4) No. I trust my husband. If you have to access someone’s files you shouldn’t be together.
5) Yes.I want gifts!
6)Yes. I use to dress sexy on Halloween. but I don’t weigh 120 lbs anymore.
7) Yes. I totally dance around the house and play air-guitar.
8) Yes. I have dreamed of being on David Letterman or other talk shows.
9) No. I don’t take long showers. maybe a long bath but not to get out of chores.
10) Yes. I do sometimes run arguments over in my head. It’s a way to vent.
11) Yes. I look at my face. I pluck my eyebrows once a month. I also have rosacea so I really scrutinize.
12) No. If I’m going shopping, I just go. no secret.
13) Yes. I wish I had longer legs like a model.
14) NO. Why would I lie?
15) Yes. I want to be wanted. But let’s clarify. ONLY by a man I love.
NOT some creepy pervert.
16) Yes. Sometimes you have to lick the brownie mix bowl. Esp. when PMSing.
17) NO. I’m rarely mad at men. But I love my husband. If your this mad at men you might need to leave the one you have.
18) No. But if I were single maybe. but I do make up romantic stories in my head.
19) No. But again I’m in love. I have no hard feelings toward my exes.
20) No. maybe I should get half a point. Once in high school at a party.
Also- Their is nothing wrong with doing most of these things. Girly or not. Last I looked I was a female. But I have also dreamed of being a surgeon, a ballet dancer and a famous writer. We all do things that are silly or unbecoming at time to time. If you are reading this story lighten up. How can you judge this, it’s all in fun.
If you hate is so much why are you spending your time reading it?
sorry guys, but the truth is, the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series? was originally a fanfiction called “Master of the Universe” and the author was not exactly nice to quite many people in the fanfiction world.
btw, it’s based on Edward and Bella from Twilight. All she did was change the names and a few small intricacies.
50 shades of gray? if you are going to look at porn (and i freely admit – i do, written OR visual) at least get a better taste and read better written smut. there’s so much fantastically written smut out there, there are entire publishing houses that specialize in smut by women FOR women – both e-pubs and regular print books. 50 shades of gray is awful on many MANY levels. especially when you’ve read so much better.
same goes for twilight, by the way. which was deliberately written with such a bland heroine in mind as to encourage readers to self insert. which i suppose explains its popularity. me, i just find the whole thing creepy and terribly written.
I just hate it when anyone says ALL woman or ALL men do or want anything. I am not so conceited to think that I am so unique and special that I would be the only woman that hates shopping, doesn’t care about the latest fashions, doesn’t take long showers, owns two pair of shoes, and absolutely abhors makeup. Before someone jumps to the stereotype – no, I am not a lesbian. I am a real woman and an individual. Stop lumping us all together and telling the world what we ALL want.
Most certainly not ALL women. Please don’t lead people into thinking that all women are as ridiculous as you are.
I don’t have mementos of past relationships.
I don’t secretly hate him, at all. Not even a little.
I am not uncomfortable at all in what I wear. If you are uncomfortable, CHANGE.
“We have access” That isn’t a secret, and it isn’t something you ‘do’, it simply is (unless they do not store their passwords).
If I say no gifts? No gifts. I mean it. Don’t say things you don’t mean, and then get mad when the guy doesn’t do it! I don’t use Halloween as an excuse for any thing but eating candy.
“We are divalicious” I don’t dance unless it is gentle swaying with my husband. I certainly don’t ‘shake my booty’ (I just don’t really like dancing, never mind alone), and I sing with or with out him around, often together. No secret..
“We pretend” isn’t a secret. Every one does it.
I don’t take long showers, and certainly not to get out of doing things, what the heck is wrong with you?
“Re-enact fights…” Why? That is really.. really.. really dumb. ‘Oh I had a fight I’m gonna prolong my anger by redoing it in my head like a crazy mental case!’ Yeah, I don’t think so.
“We spend too much time” I don’t even own a magnifying mirror. I own a small hand mirror so I can see the back of my head in the bathroom mirror, that is all.
Shopping is an errand for me. I hate shopping. It is boring and tedious, especially clothes shopping.
“We have girl crushes” Lusting after another womens style? WHY? No, this isn’t a secret for me.
“Are you wearing something new” WHY WOULD YOU ACT LIKE THAT?! Oh my gosh… How infuriating that you would do it. Way to be a terrible person.
“We want to be wanted” every one wants that, that isn’t a secret.
“We can be disgusting” Attention fellow ladies… that isn’t a secret.
“We’re usually mad at you.” If you are usually mad at the person you are with, it is time to split. I am angry with my husband less than 1% of the time, and CERTAINLY not on a daily (or even monthly!) basis. You can’t blame estrogen on that.
“We pretend we’re the female lead in romantic movies.” I really, really don’t. Not only do I not do it, I think doing it is stupid.
“Stalk ex’s facebook” Why? Again, not something I would do, and that I think is really stupid. Grow up.
“We look at porn.” Attention fellow ladies.. That is not a secret. Oh, NOT porn porn? What the heck is mom porn? Pregnant porn is a fetish you know.
In closing.. Dear Author, you come across as a terrible person and I hope I don’t know you in life.
I watch REAL porn.
100% Agree With Melinda.
Most of these are so not true! If you say “every woman,” you better MEAN it, or else someone in your audience will turn on you, as I’m doing now. And it’s such a stereotype that women to shopping are like cats to catnip. Hey, I only shop when I absolutely must and my mom hates shopping with a passion.
I also agree with melinda and with madamoizillion………… I admit iam a evil B sometimes it depends,but im aslo a straight out person and its B%#@*s like the ones that write these things that make it harder for woman just like me, because all the scandalous Sh%# they do affects the life i try to lead.
How stupid was that?
At least fifteen of those “secrets” could very well be describing a man just as well as a woman.
Maybe two or three of those circumstances are indicative of gender at all and still could be reversed. Thank goodness I have too much time on my hands.
How about nagging and cleaning you out in a messy divorce where they try to take your kids away and ruin your reputation.
I guess I don’t qualify as a woman because I don’t do any of these things. I thought, ‘the girl crush’ thing might be (of course I’m a lesbian) but then went on to read what was meant…nope don’t do that either. Stupid article!
I’m going to agree with Feminist Jane here. Apparently I’m not a woman because none of these apply to me. I don’t overly shop, I’m not mentally incapacitated enough to think that a long shower gets me out of chores, I don’t keep mementos from past relationships/stalk them on facebook/hack into people’s accounts to see what they’re doing.
Especially the pron one. If I want to go for that, I’m not going to go to _50 Shades of Gray_. I can find better that’s not labeled as ‘mommy’ stuff. I’ve found better online than that, thanks. I don’t need to lie about buying clothes because it’s my money that I’m spending and I’m in control of it.
Real, confident women also don’t need ‘mummification’ devices. Real, confident women do what we need to get done, enjoy what we can of it, don’t treat our significant others like trash or ‘hate them’ for specious reasons, like not giving birth. My hormones don’t make me hate anyone that way. If yours do, here, have an award for being a bit shallow. Because all the women that do those things? I find really shallow and usually self-centered.
I see my comment from a couple days ago was deleted.
This slide show article is inaccurate, and pathetic. Not all women keep those kind of stupid secrets.
I am a straight forward kind of person. I hold no secrets from my husband and love him very much. I do not secretly hate my husband and to say all women do these things is an outright lie. I don’t know who you polled but I am surprised that so many have admitted to these things. I would like to say to those that have said their piece “Thank You”. Now I know I am not the only one out there with a head on my shoulders. peace out.
I guess I’m odd. The only one I could identify with was about spending too much time worrying about our physical flaws like wrinkles, etc.
this is so weirdly lame and untrue….I’m not indignant but just hoping men don’t believe this….have no idea why someone would have written this…super stupid.
Gads. More evidence that I (25 years married, mom to six kids) am somehow, inexplicably, male…I think I can only really say yes to about four of these.
It blows my mind how angry some of u have gotten over this article and yes its probably wrong in saying all women but what about the women who strive or appreciate what it meant to be a women… Yeah things have changed and im young but did u ever think about the women or young girls who want to be like that or who r…. Just as much as u think its wrong maybe its right for some people im not even sitting here saying i agree with every comment it more blows my mind of how much we strive to be equal but forget to admire our differences as women to men… Im not taking away from what it means to be a women but hey if i wish i could still have my dreams and aspirations to be a stay at home mom and raise a family without being criticized about what other dreams or goals i have come see me cuz the same dreams many women wanted aren’t the same as all .period. Not these secrets and not the reality
Btw i love how everyone that comments is so so open and honest…u r human right everyone has things they think in their head and don’t share…stop pretending…ur not better and neither is anyone else my gosh and years r experience but that never means u know it all…how bout we recognize some people feel this way and others don’t… Such haters? Do u feel less of a women of u don’t fit these categories? Regardless maybe u should just be proud ur unique no.one wants to be the same… Own it if u relate or don’t…
If none of these apply, am I still a woman? Some apply if the circumstances are different. Some apply to both genders. Most of them, however, don’t apply to me personally at all. Are these socially learned behaviors or behaviors instrinsic to women? Sometimes I think I have the wrong body for my personality.
I could only agree with 6 things and they are def no secret from my husband…..
Who wrote this? I tried to think of one woman friend these apply to, and couldn’t. Okay, I keep photos – they are a timeline of my life. But I took offense at that “mummy” crap, and the thing about spending time looking in a mirror. My clothes are comfortable, with no padding, tape (?), body shaper… didn’t all that go out with our mothers or grandmothers? I use the mirror to check the back of my hair. I’d have to scroll back up to make any more comments, but most of this looks moronic to me.
I absolutely REFUSE to believe this was written by a woman. Good Lord! This list does not remotely BEGIN to describe “all” women. I am disgusted by this bullshit.
Speak for yourself (if you are indeed a woman) – just don’t speak for me.
Why are folks so full of hate and judgement fo
r Goodness sake. It is just a fun little article asking what you think woman secrets are. Yet no one answers thaat, too bulsy burning the writer at the stake. No, i dont do these things but hey entertaining.
Ill add one. I think-one way or another-women worry about their breasts. Too big, too small, too droopy. Blah blah.
I mostly thought it was dumb and whoever came up with this is obviously a “i think i know-it-all” ..but only upset with myself for reading the entire thing..because the only reason the joke was funny was because it was so stupid… like you could actually stereotype any person from one of these “secrets” GAY
The fact that these are supposed to be secrets,Shows in the comments of this description not being you at all ladies, we understand but now it’s known you girls feel exactly the way this thing says you do about all of it be real millions of people lie to themselves to feel normal or lie to even people who don’t matter for the sake of feeling a certain way to themselves,these are real facts son it’s actually very defining and cute,Also the butt pinch is loved by women (That you’re with)along with various other advances but normally only if you’re with that girl but some women will bite if you take a risk just for her by pinching or grabbing lol.
I can’t stand it when writer exaggerate to get your attention. “All women”? Speak for yourself! A better title might be: 20 Things Some Stupid Women Do.
Lighten up Ladies!! I can’t understand why all these women are ‘outraged’ by this article! I can’t wait to share it out. Come on, obviously not everything applies to everyone, but some of these must hit home a little. I laughed a lot when I read them. It’s always been my experience that it’s the ‘defensive and outraged’ that need to take a closer look in the mirror at themselves. Maybe they don’t see these things as true about themselves, but I’d be willing to bet, others see them in a whole different light.
I’d give anything for my husband not to pinch or grab my butt every time I walk by. I do not secretly enjoy it.
Yah, I don’t know why people are flipping out. It’s a good article and I found it funny. I will say, though, that I scored a 19 out of 20 so I may be biased. But hey! Maybe the author is an emotional pisces like myself
. I definitely see SOME of these traits in EVERY woman I’ve met, though not EVERY trait.
I think almost all of these will apply throughout our lives, but not maybe as a reflection because of men but as manifested through anybody; i.e, I might be tempted to access my significant other’s facebook/phone/email and NOT actually do it, but know that I could if it were my kid. Not all parents will do that (but they might in fact do it to their spouse).
Oh well, I think it’s funny! And if it’s someone who you burn for, I DEFINITELY want them pinching my butt
Um, I watch real porn, like a REAL WOMAN. And I masturbate while watching. Omg how shocking…
Provocations : Don’t do them and don’t accept them no more
The sense of guilty : the teachers of “ turn the other cheek”
The inner feelings that rule the choices in your daily life
Provocations : Don’t do them and don’t accept them no more
“Grab us, kiss us hard, pinch our butts, send a sext. We’ll pretend we don’t like it but we do. We really do.”
There’s fantasy level sexy then there’s one of my ex’s who would dry hump me from behind like a dog humping a leg.
Don’t agree with much of the rest either.
Men, you likely aren’t reading this column anyhow, but just in case, think about that some women feel like this: If I say I do not want any gifts, honor my request with just remembering the day by doing something on that long chore list we’ve made together, or making us a nice breakfast. etc. Please DO NOT go out and buy me something expensive with “our” money, the money we’re “sharing” towards agreed upon projects and life goals! This is extremely frustrating to women, even if we politely thank you for the gift after you’ve bestowed it. Also — we all know it’s easier to spend money on another piece of “stuff” than to put forth some time and thought into planning something really meaningful that doesn’t cost a lot. Okay — tables turned — we women can be guilty of the same., If I’m super busy, I’m likely to buy my guy some hurriedly-thought gift, rather than plan something you’d really enjoy. But if you must go this route, men — talk to your S.O. about spending limits. There’s nothing so frustrating as receiving an expensive piece of jewelry, knowing that the kitchen or bathroom remodel will now be delayed another 6 months or you’ll have to be in the same cheap apartment for another year. And please, DO NOT EVER pinch my butt!
If I’m not in an intimate relationship with you, there is absolutely no pinching. Pinching equals punching. It isn’t desired; it isn’t funny; it isn’t wanted. Better yet, if you don’t know me, don’t touch me at all. I’m not ‘wanting to be wanted.’
Everything else, sure, or ‘whatever suits you’.
I like the article i think it was funny many of you need to calm down its not that serious if it doesnt apply to you fine. okay dont have and hard attack and if is does applied to you and you are afraid to admit it thats fine too.
All these women in agreement on all these things I have observed and suspected for years. You’re all freaking nuts. Now I think I’m glad I’m something of a hermit and not been with a woman since 2005 (and no I’m NOT gay) because who would want to live with or have sex with a lunatic? You probably all have cooties too.
How many woman don’t have “girl crushes”? I’d say, zero.
One eye opener was, “We re-enact fights in our head…” really ??
Jesus, calm down! As cheesy as she sounds, all of you charging at her is uncalled for. That’s her opinion, you have a different one. Chill already!
I can truthfully say there are a few things I actually do, but I would say about 80% of these I don’t.
Why doesn’t He Kiss Me Passionately Anymore
This article isn’t cute or funny in the least. Perpetuating stereotypes in this manner is nothing but harmful for women. Wake up, we’re not in the 50′s anymore!
I:ve been married to my wife for 24 years, and met her ten years earlier, four years after marrying my first wife. No cootys. I do admit to having a slight crush on Alli though. Not just that she’s hot visually, but the personality and humor that she exudes makes her fastenating to enjoy. Keep it up girl!
“It’s just a joke, lighten up, don’t take it all so seriously,” said every bully ever, and yes, you are bullying people if you’re not allowing them to point out that this article is a bunch of misogynistic doo-doo. There’s no such thing as a “harmless” article when it paints all women with the same brush.
@ayana and Catherine: girls, relax na, aaahn? @ Lulu and Kris, I say thanks for sharing and giving some laughs.