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There is No Shame in Wanting a Minivan

 

I have a shameful confession to make:

I really want a minivan.

It’s not like I need a minivan.  I only have 2 children and no pets.  I just really want one.

Bizarre, right?  Even a little sick and twisted.  I can’t explain it.  No one understands it.  I barely understand it.

Right now I drive a Toyota Venza.  It’s a very nice car, but do you know what demographic Toyota is marketing the Venza to?  Baby Boomers.  I drive a Baby Boomer car.  I want a Swagger Wagon, not a Boomermobile.  Are you listening Toyota and Honda marketing people?  I would actually LOVE to drive one of your vehicles compared to the many people who complain about having to drive a minivan.

 

I want a minivan in black, preferably, because black is more badass and I want to drive a badass minivan, because black is the only badass minivan color there is.  Duh.

I want to have “slidey doors” (as my kids call them) that I can open and close with a push of the button so my kids can jump in or out like parachuters on an airplane.  These slidey doors would also come in handy when my children throw open their doors and ram them into the cars parked next to us.  The people who park next to me would appreciate it if I drove a minivan.  It’s almost like I’d be helping mankind if I drove one.

I want enough seats for my kids and their friends when we’re going somewhere.  I hate that I always have to say, “I can’t take anyone, because my car can only hold 2 boosters/carseats.”  If I had my sweet ride, I would have a whole row of extra seats available!

If I had a minivan, I wouldn’t stop with just the automatic doors.  I couldn’t possibly stop there.  My dream is to drive a badass minivan so I’d also need the DVD player with headphones (please God, with headphones because I can’t listen to “Phineas & Ferb” while I’m driving – I’ll drive off a cliff), Bluetooth (hands free calling is safer), I’d want the power tailgate (no sense getting my hands dirty when that’s an option) and I’d want the leather wrapped steering wheel (just ’cause I just like “leathah”).

I don’t have a minivan because the Hubs has deemed it an impractical car for our family (and I think he thinks he’d look like a wuss driving it).  I know he’s right –  he would look pretty wussy driving it, but who cares?

Just today the conversation arose again.  We were on the carpool line surrounded by happy minivan drivers and the Hubs said, “Really?  You really want to drive one of those things?”

“Of course.”

“But why?  They’re so….”

“What?  You think you’re better than a minivan, don’t you?”  I asked.

“Yes, I guess I do.  First of all, I hate to carpool and by driving a small car I never have to carpool.  Second of all, driving a minivan is like waving a sign that says, ‘I’ve given up.'”

“You’re such a douche.”

“Pretty much.  But if you really want one I’ll get you one.”

Awww….he’s my douche.

UPDATE: I heard from a car company!  Read all about it here.

Be sure to read my daily rants at People I Want to Punch in the Throat where you’re sure to laugh and/or might be offended (it’s where you can find my R-rated rants).

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