I met the new therapist last week and got to talk to her about the concerns that we’d noticed since we’d lost our son Kaden 2 months ago. I left feeling – down. A bit sad and discouraged. Telling her so much made me wonder if we were doing anything right anymore. I know it’s not my fault that Bella has to deal with the loss of another sibling, but it sure doesn’t help in terms of piling more mommy guilt on myself.
I was a little nervous today. Would Bella be upset to go back to play therapy? Would she want me to come to the appointment? What would the new therapist think of her? Therapy is a time to be open for kids – anything (within safety bounds) goes in that room so you can only imagine my inner control freak screaming, “TELL HER TO BEHAVE WITH THE THERAPIST,” which would have ruined the point of therapy. No one tells me not to cry or swear when I’m talking to mine.
No Mom. I do not really swear to her. (Ahem.)
After 45 minutes, they came out and while Bella played in the waiting room, she took me aside out of earshot. She told me she saw my concerns about loss and coping etc., but that Bella handled her emotions and feelings very well. Then, unexpectedly, she said, “You know, she’s a very smart little girl. So inquisitive, and her vocabulary! I was really impressed at how much she knew for her age. She’s way above most children her age developmentally. You’re doing a good job, Mom.”
She patted me on the shoulder and told me she’d see me next week.
I have to tell you all… just those few words made my week. I’ve been so, so worried about Bella. From homeschooling an only child, to wondering how our grief affects her, to just all we’ve been through in general.
I’ve felt like I’m failing 90% of the time with her.
Sometimes I wonder why we don’t say that more to each other. Why telling another mom, “Your kid is amazing, great job,” is a hard thing for us to remember to do? I’m more than guilty of this, and as we drove home I made a promise to myself to share more mom support – genuinely.
Just to have someone say that to me, to reassure me that my child is okay? That was huge. It meant the world.
Photo credit: istockphotos.com
Diana blogs at Diana Wrote about her life with a daughter here and three sons in heaven, life as an army wife, and her faith. You can also find her work on Liberating Working Moms, She Reads Truth, The New York Times, Still Standing Magazine, and The Huffington Post. Smaller glimpses into her day are on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.
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