Why I Let My Kids Win
I always said I wouldn’t be the type of mom who let her kids win at games.
My internal monologue went something like this: “Kids need to learn to lose. Life isn’t fair- it will teach them to be good teammates and competitors. It will show them that they aren’t always going to be the best. Or be on top. It will make them stronger.”
But in reality, I have found that I can’t bring myself to beat my kids at a game. I have become an expert at “throwing” a match.
I can’t break their little hearts. I’m apparently a total softie, and the tears and sadness, that are inevitable when they lose, kill me. But, in all honestly, if it carries on too long I end up getting annoyed with them. And that doesn’t end well for anyone. It’s just easier to let them win. They’re happy, I’m happy.
I can show them, by example, how to be a gracious loser. On the flip side, my husband has no qualms about beating them, so they are also getting the lessons I imagined in my pre-parent dream world. But I wonder if I am setting them up for disaster in the long run. I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with kids facing disappointment. It’s a part of life and they need to learn how to deal with it somewhere. But I can’t force myself to be the one who beats them and then does a little victory dance after a rousing game of Candyland or Chutes and Ladders.
So I ask you, what are your thoughts on this? Do you let your kids win?
Photo credit: Flickr
You don’t have to do a victory dance. There are sore losers and sore winners. Take the win with dignity and grace and offer them a hand and say, “good game, that was so close!” They will figure out that you are letting them win and wonder why they aren’t good enough for you to play a true game. In all games, there is always a winner and always a loser. They need to learn that now and better at home with loving, compassionate parents then by their friends who will rub in their faces! Find a balance, that’s all.
For me, it depends on the kind of game. If the game is at all skill-based, I automatically have the advantage because I’m older and better at strategy, etc. So I occasionally will let them win on those kinds of games (without letting them KNOW I am letting them win, if possible). The games you mention, however, Chutes and Ladders and Candyland, are pretty much completely luck-based, so we are all on equal footing. If I win, it’s because it just worked out that way, not because I have an unfair advantage. And I’m not more likely to win, so we all end up winning pretty much the same number of times. In fact, sometimes I wish I would win more often! When my daughter got Chutes and Ladders, I let her win the first couple of games, and then just played straight. She won the next 8-10 games in a row, and would brag about how she was “the best Chutes and Ladders player who ALWAYS wins!” I wanted to win a few just to bring her down a notch or two.
In a game based on luck rather than skill, enabling one’s child to win all the time makes for a spoiled child as well as unrealistic expectations. No parent wants to deal with the tears of a child lamenting over a loss. But over time, their ability to handle the situation improves if as a commenter mentioned previously, the players involved learn to be graceful in victory as well as defeat. Taking the seemingly easy road as a parent will just make things harder for everyone over time.
Recent article from CuteMonster.com :
http://cutemonster.com/2011/11/5-reasons-kim-kardashian-matters-parents/
I never LET my kids win at games, though I may not play with all of my skill at times either. I do my best to help the kids out during the game. They make their own choices, of course, but I will advise them if there is a better move (and I explain why – “If you do what you planned on doing, you get 2 points, but if you do it this way you can get 4 points.”) and help them focus on the objective they need to focus on when playing more complex games (which is why my son was thrashing me at Ticket to Ride when he was 3, without me holding back in my gameplay). Crushing their little spirits is not my aim, though I do think that winning is all the sweeter when you know you earned it. Also, our house rule of “winner has to clean up the game” helps ease the losing a bit.
What might it teach your children that mom (a woman) always loses an dad (a man) wins?
This is a great conversation starter, and while I can certainly understand how difficult it is for parents to knowingly beat their kids at a game, the learning moments that arise after a loss can be very powerful and beneficial for building coping skills and resilience.
I think learning to lose is an extremely important life skill, and learning to do so gracefully, and in a safe play environment, is a great way to prepare kids for the inevitable ups and downs that come in life.
Here’s a blog post I wrote on the topic called “Learning By Losing – Why Winning is Overrated” http://www.thinkfun.com/smartplayblog/?p=913
Would love to hear feedback, thanks for bringing up this great topic!
I posted a similar discussion to Facebook last night. We didn’t let our son win the two games of Hi Ho Cherry Oh we played with him last night and I felt bad. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that now that he’s in school, there are going to be very few people who will LET him win and he needs to learn how to lose graciously if he wants to keep friends.