Why Women Still Can't Have It All
Have you read Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article about why women still can’t have it all? She’s a mother of two and was the first woman director of policy planning at the State Department, so she would know. She was on the fast track of commuting for her high-profile job while on a 2-year leave from Princeton University. After 18 months she returned to her family not only because they needed her, but also because she wanted to.
I listened to an interview with Anne-Marie Slaughter on Fresh Air while I was–no joke–freezing jars of homemade strawberry jam. I was nodding and “mmm-hmmmm”ing in my apron while my 4 kids orbited. The irony is not lost on me. I’m one of the women Slaughter owes an apology to. She’s been saying we could have it all for years. (Preach sister.) But, as it turns out, you can’t have it all. I’m kind of thinking, “I KNEW IT.”
Just so you know, I feel no pressure from society to make homemade jam. It’s archaic—but so delicious. I know I can buy it and I know making it is a big pain. I’m free to choose and I choose to make jam. Just like I chose to have 4 kids and stay home with them. I’m lucky to have a choice. Most people don’t, including my mom who had to and still has to work. Most work-life balance conversations are for privileged people. Anne-Marie Slaughter gets this. But she also gets that change has to start somewhere.
Slaughter hates to admit that women can’t have it all because she really believes in a world where women could and should have it all. But we don’t live in that world yet. Her article includes specific, realistic suggestions for making the workplace better. For years she thought that if a woman was committed enough, was careful about her timing, and had a supportive husband she could “make it work.” Slaughter met all of these criteria and having it all–the high-power job, the happy family life–was still untenable.
“I was increasingly aware that the feminist beliefs on which I had built my entire career were shifting under my feet,” she says. And her boss was Hillary Clinton! So it’s not like she was taking dictation from Don Draper.
“I was increasingly aware that the feminist beliefs on which I had built my entire career were shifting under my feet.”
Many women take time off when their kids are little, assuming they can head back to work when the kids are in school. I’m finding, as Anne-Marie Slaughter found, your kids still really need you around during those years. I actually continued to teach college writing part-time after I started having babies, timing births around school breaks, with the intent to return when my kids were all in school. Guess who will have all their kids in school this fall but has no desire, energy, ambition, or even one block of time during the week long enough to teach a class and hold office hours? This guy.
I married pretty young, but I put off having kids until my husband and I both got graduate degrees. Then I started having babies. I wanted to. After a certain age it’s harder to get pregnant. I mean, I hate to be the one to break it to you. Fortunately there are options like adoption and fertilization but it’s expensive and doesn’t always work. Them’s the facts.
Anne-Marie Slaughter had her kids later in life in order to kick start her career. Seems like a good plan. And it was! She was thrilled to have her two sons in her 40s. But at age 50 when many woman are killing it in their twilight careers, she found herself with an increasingly surly 12-year-old son who needed her. So she willingly hopped off the fast track and went home.
One could argue that Anne-Marie Slaughter does have it all. She left Washington to return to a flexible job in academia. I don’t think she’s complaining. But she thinks the world would be better if some of those high-power jobs could be held by committed family types. Because committed family types have a lot to offer. Don’t you think?
How do we do this? One simple but earth-shattering suggestion is to make school schedules match work schedules. They used to match when we were more agrarian. Wouldn’t that help? Having it all is not possible in many types of jobs. You have to be able to control your schedule. Nevertheless, Slaughter thinks that a change in baseline assumptions about how we work would benefit everyone. She uses the example of a marathon runner. Say this marathon runner gets up early to train and is disciplined about getting work done so he can take time off for races. His boss probably thinks he’s admirable, efficient, and amazing. But a mom who loses sleep over sick babies and gets her work done early so she can make it to parent teacher conferences is regarded as a slacker–even though she’s demonstrating the same qualities.
When I taught college I worked for two departments. I was part-time faculty in the English dept which was mostly full-time professors. I never knew what was going on. They didn’t reach out to the part-timers. The professors saw each other in the hallway and had staff meetings (which part-timers weren’t invited to) where they talked about all kinds of things relevant to my class. I felt marginalized. You might say that it’s a pain to deal with part-timers and I should make more of an effort to get face time in the department. True and true. But the English department hired a huge adjunct staff to teach those first-year writing classes that no one else wanted. Ostensibly, they did need and want us.
Contrast that with the Honors department, which was a weird hybrid of departments where all the writing classes were taught by part-time faculty. I loved it! We did everything through e-mail. There was one major meeting a year (planned well in advance) which nursing babies famously attended. Our faculty was made up of men and women. We got high teaching evaluations and the university thought we did such a great job they commissioned a book about the history of the department. At one point a group of fellow teachers who were moms my age were fitting it all in during the four hours of preschool our kids had three times a week. I felt valued and I did a good job.
The baseline assumptions in that department were different than the assumptions in the English department. I worked hard in both jobs, but I only felt successful in the honors department.
I love this quote Slaughter gives from Lisa Jackson, “To be a strong woman, you don’t have to give up on the things that define you as a woman. Empowering yourself doesn’t have to mean rejecting motherhood, or eliminating the nurturing or feminine aspects of who you are.”
Working from home and blogging while you raise your kids is a great option for so many moms. Blogging has been a real game changer for moms, which is why I wish bloggers would be a little bit more responsible about whoring out the “mommy wars” for page views. They’re over guys. Get with the program.
“To be a strong woman, you don’t have to give up on the things that define you as a woman. Empowering yourself doesn’t have to mean rejecting motherhood, or eliminating the nurturing or feminine aspects of who you are.”
I hope Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article will serve as a cease-fire on the non-productive “This vs. That” mentality so we as women and men and parents and employers can focus on making the workplace a happier and more productive place for everyone. Everyone has everything to gain. Except the misogynists. And people who hate families and/or parents. And anyone who does NOT want more productive, creative, and efficient employees–Those people will all be mad if we take this article seriously and implement some of Slaugther’s forward-thinking ideas. Let’s do this.
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This is such a good post, Kacy.
I have so many ideas of where work and family life can continue to make it easier for women (and men) to “have it all.” I think we’re at the brink of a major shift in the way we work in this country. My regret is that it’s happening for college educated, privileged women first (well, not exactly “regret” since it’s happening for ME); it may take decades to work its way down the employment ladder, so that all women can have the kind of flexibility that values families and relationships over a time clock.
Yes. Let’s spend more time talking about the stuff that matters–sharing ideas and suggestions that work. Thanks, Carina, for commenting.
Let’s do this!
Here, here.
This is so thoughtfully and brilliantly written. I don’t feel like I can comment on having it all, because I am a white male. But I am grateful that my wife had the choice to stay home. She could be incredibly successful professionally but followed a different path. And we’re already talking about how to make grad school work when the kids are older. Can’t we all just get along and realize that every family forges the best path that they can?
Side note: I’m the jam maker in our family
Other side note: when you said “people who hate kids and families” we’re you talking about Deuce?
Thank you, Josh, for commenting. You can comment because this is a parenting issue as much as it is a mom issue.
Here’s my take: the idea that women OR men can have it all is ridiculous. EVERY choice we make has trade-offs. No one is given more than 24 hours a day. If someone chooses to develop themselves in one area, there are always going to be other things that have to be cut out. I think of young musicians who know they need to practice 6 hours a day to become good enough to reach the height of their professions. That is something they are willing to do, but it means they are trading those 6 hours a day for it, when those 6 hours could have been used for a multitude of other pursuits. Choosing piano or violin performance usually means they can’t also be on the drill team, perform in the school play, or be the star football player.
When I was training for a marathon last year, I had to put aside a lot of other things I would have liked to be doing with that time. This is a balance I always have to maintain. Given my energy, my time, and my talents, what should I pursue?
I personally have chosen to have 9 children. Choosing that means that I have committed my 24 hours a day very differently than someone who has chosen to have fewer children, someone who has chosen to have a career, or someone who has chosen to try to do both. In order to be the best I can in the choice I’ve made, I can’t have a lot of other things. It would be nearly impossible for me to practice the piano even an hour a day, much less 6 hours, if I still wanted to pursue that. I’ve chosen to forgo a lot of social things that I wish I could have but can’t. Since I have four preschoolers, I don’t volunteer at school or in the community as much as other women might choose to.
I also think that there are different definitions of what “having it all” means. For some, “having it all” just means being able to work a reasonable amount of hours at a job they love and still be able to care for the children they have had and enjoy a good family life. Others think “having it all” means being able to reach the height of their profession, with all the hours and stress that entails, while still having an immaculate home, a supportive husband, plenty of leisure time, and grateful, happy, well-behaved children. The former might actually be achievable. The latter is just a myth. Any serious pursuit requires a cost — in time, in effort, in stress, and in worry. To try to fit in too many serious and time-consuming pursuits at one time is going to be impossible and something will suffer. It might be the career, it might be the marriage, it might be the children, it might be the house, or it might be a combination.
I enjoyed her article and your take on it. Her description of her life when she worked in DC really made me a little nauseous though because my husband works in that environment and it is ALL consuming. These are no weekends or evenings or holidays in those kinds of jobs. I am not sure jobs should require that of women OR men. I stay home with my kids because I want to, but also to try to balance out his crazy work hours.
I also agree with the poster that said no one can “have it all.” You can only try to carve out a life for yourself that contains a lot of the elements that you want.
So glad you responded to the piece.
I love your comment. Thanks for weighing in.
I love that you posted about this article. I heard the interview, too, and wondered what you would be thinking about it the whole time I listened.
I loved her with Terry Gross. I mean, she knows when she is stepping on “treacherous” ground but she was so open. She’s got to be a pretty cool person.
Like my good friend Oprah always says…”You can have it all. Just not at the same time.”
Oprah is so smart about everything.
Love your take on this article, thanks. I was unable to return to my job after my second child was born because I asked to be able to work some hours from home and was told it would be unfair to my coworkers. I think the real fear in corporate environments is that if one person gets something “special”, everyone will want it. The crazy part is what the article points out, that this won’t actually hurt the company and will benefit it in certain ways, but I think that feeling of control over what workers are doing is so hard to let go of. I was a little sad to read Slaughter’s assertion that if more women are in positions of power, they’ll use their pull to make things better for other women – this is sometimes not the case, especially women managers without kids or who have ambivalent feelings about their own choices. I think in some environments women feel that in order to keep their power they have to be even tougher than a man, and that includes not being a softy with parents. I’m blessed now to work for a small company owned and managed by mothers of older children, who have nothing but understanding and encouragement for my role as a mother of little kids. I work at night and during naps, and schedule meetings for when our sitter is here. We occasionally discuss assignments with a baby on my lap, and it works out just fine. I definitely feel like I’m stepping back from my career in some ways, and I’m ok if it turns out to be a long stay here. I really do hope we’re on the brink of a change!
In the same light, have you read this article in the atlantic as well?
http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/06/in-defense-of-stay-at-home-moms/258717/
I loved the Fresh Air interview and the article. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, especially now that I am a working mom (to a 10 month old). Thankfully, I have an amazing boss who let me come back to work slowly – a few months of 20 hours a week, then 25, and now 30. We discussed the day before the Fresh Air interview that 30 hours is best for me and still good for the company. However, this has not deterred my career; rather, I have increased responsibility and notoriety within the company. He famously tells me that if he ever discovers that I placed work before family, he will fire me. And all of this comes from a retired Navy captain who in his day ran flight decks during the Gulf War and was an assistant to the secretary of the Navy!
I especially agree with aspect of needing a supportive spouse. SO crucial. I couldn’t work outside of the home if my husband didn’t support through many ways – from packing my lunch in the morning, to helping cook dinner and cleaning up at night and WANTING me to enjoy my corporate job and succeed both in and outside of the home. I’m glad you posted this for discussion.
Thanks for posting the link to that article. Very interesting!
ps – the best part of all of this is that she continue to be such an amazing role model… despite the fear and trepidation that she could no longer be one to working women. she’s definitely my hero.
No one — man or woman — can “have it all.” My husband wishes he could spend more time with our kids and be home to help school them and have a farm (our dream). But he can’t, because he does have to work. He doesn’t “have it all.” He has a career because someone has to, and it isn’t me. I have no desire to.
I can’t “have it all” either. I spend most of my time with my kids. I also blog. But if I’m having a busy blogging day, I miss time with my kids. If I am with my kids, I don’t get any work done. I also have to cook meals and do laundry and all the “stuff of life.” My husband helps with all of these chores too, especially on the weekends. But really? There is NOT enough time in life for us to have everything we want. Something always goes to the backburner, and sometimes things even suffer. That is just the way it is.
We have our priorities and we make sure we do those. The rest? We have to learn to let it go.
Great post Very thoughtful and I completely agree. Also agree that no one can “have it all” and that compromise is a part of everyone’s life, every day.
In terms of not having it “all,” I think it depends on how you define what your “all” is. I’m pretty sure the things that make it up vary from day to day for me… some days feel like I pretty much have it all, others, not so much. On the bad days, the focus is on how it isn’t easy to live up to the pressure I place on myselfto be like people I don’t really know – so I definitely feel like I don’t have it all. On the other hand, when I actually take the time to think about it and truly count my blessings, I am pretty dang close to having it all. It comes down to a matter of perspective and personal goals and where you’re comfortable.