Thanksgiving is billed as some kind of wondrous family gathering of thankfulness that inspires warm and fuzzy feelings for all who participate. I’m here to say the only warm and fuzzy feelings I get on Thanksgiving are from that first shot from the bottle of hootch I keep stashed behind grandma’s macrame.
And while we’re talking about grandma, let’s just all go ahead and admit that most of our grandparents are still slightly racist. Using the adjective “slightly” is probably being a little generous, even.
Thanksgiving is the time we gather together, hold hands around a bounteous table of food and opine about that for which we’re most grateful. You know, grandma is thankful her stories still air on SOAPnet, grandpa appreciates the magnifying glass he uses to read the paper. Oh, and he’s also grateful for the election and the opportunity to get President Obama out of the White House and by the way, did you know the president isn’t even American, he wants you to know. His birth certificate is a forgery, just ask that hard-working young man, Donald Trump, he’ll tell you. A beautiful head of hair on that Donald Trump, grandpa says.
Your mother-in-law wants you to know that when her kids were babies she wouldn’t tolerate for one minute the way your kids are behaving. When she was raising children she made them toe the line and the way youngters behave these days is terrible. By the way, are you really going to roast the turkey breast-side up? And is that oil you’re using instead of butter?
YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.
One bottle of hootch isn’t enough. I just want to lounge around my house with my kids, creating our own traditions that include but aren’t limited to wearing sweatpants, watching TV and not answering the door to anyone, especially extended family members. Here then, are ten reasons NOT to spend Thanksgiving with extended family members.
Top Photo Credit: collegecandy.com
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