It was Elizabeth Stone who once said: “Making the decision to have a child — it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
It’s lovely and profound, of course. Accurate, though? Yeah, well, kind of. More accurate, though, would be to say that motherhood is to decide forever that your heart will get walked on, puked on, pooped on, whined at, and battered from hither and yonder.
Here are 10 reasons why motherhood is the worst:
Motherhood: Nothing It’s Cracked Up to Be 1 of 11
In case you weren't sure: Presenting the case against motherhood.
The Cooking 2 of 11
Preparing three meals a day. Every day. Plus snacks. It's like the Olive Garden's endless salad bowl. But, of course, no one in the family will eat salad. Or anything you actually cook. Awesome.
The Eating 3 of 11
All the eating off the floor. Oy.
(You know how it goes: They ask for it, you cook it, they don't eat it, or they eat it and spit it out onto the ground, and then you eat it. Admit it. You just do.)
The Socks 4 of 11
Constantly hunting for tiny socks as if it's Easter every day. Except there's no honey-baked ham or bunny-shaped, foil-wrapped chocolate as a reward. And when you find the errant socks? They smell like the rotten eggs left by the people who didn't know they make plastic ones filled with candy especially for Easter.
The Grossness 5 of 11
All the bodily functions. They never end. And they never own them. It's always up to Mom to deal with them. But especially the smelliest, messiest, moistest, and grossest ones. But really especially the dried booger in your hair, vomit on your shirt, or poopie blowout on your leg when you're in absolutely no position to change. Awesome.
Other People’s Kids’ Grossness 6 of 11
The only thing worse than your kid's snot projected anywhere on your body? Someone else's kid's snot projected on your body.
At least with your kid, it's their ick, which means it's kind of your ick. But in the absence of their own mom, other kids always sense when another mom is present, which means it's you they choose to project their yuck/bleck/explosive diarrhea onto. They figure when you're in the Mom Club, it's a universal membership.
The Carpooling 7 of 11
Some time after preschool ends and kindergarten begins, real life begins to take shape. And by real life, we mean you really spend what feels like a life sentence driving around your kid. To soccer. To dance. To Soo Bahk Do. To the pediatrician. To your last four locations to try to find the lovey they can't live without and yet managed to leave at one of the last four locations.
Puberty 8 of 11
Moms fear puberty worse than another viewing of the video of Miley Cyrus twerking. Which might actually have had something to do with puberty. Hence, the looming terror.
The No Sleep 9 of 11
When they're babies, moms don't sleep because the baby needs to be fed or held or entertained. And then when the baby actually sleeps, moms still don't sleep because they're left wondering when the baby will wake up and then they're left calculating how much sleep they'll get. When the kids get older, moms don't sleep because they're planning the next day, week and year in their mind and figuring out how, against all odds, it will all get done. And then when they're older? It's the worrying. Oh, the worrying. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Or not.
The Interruptions 10 of 11
Remember what it's like to talk for 20 seconds without being interrupted — by a cry, whine, question, opinion, request, demand? Of course not. You're a mom. But the worst interruption of all? The cocktail interruption. Like clockwork, when the wine is poured, the whining begins.
The Growing Up 11 of 11
They're gross. Annoying. Inconsiderate. Demanding. Insatiable. Incorrigible. Irritable.
You know, and loving. Lovable. Cuddly. Generous. Silly. Sweet. Kind. Smart. Clever. Kissable. Angelic.
And then they go off and leave you. Which is easily the worst thing. Ever.
Photo credits: iStockphoto
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