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18 Alarming News Stories From 2012 That Prove the Mayans Were Totally Right

The actual U.S. government has issued an official statement declaring that the world is not going to come to an end on December 21, 2012, nor any other date in December. (January is up for grabs, apparently.)

“Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors,” the headline reads.

The scary rumors are based on the idea that the ancient Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012. This, despite the fact that the ancient Mayans, who developed the calendar in approximately the 5th Century B.C.E., were so technologically advanced that they planned out a calendar that extended in perpetuity. The freaking calendar rolls over, people.

Please compare that to the fact that computer programmers in the 1980′s apparently couldn’t foresee that when the calendar flipped from 1999 to 2000, we’d need four-digit years.

Saying that the world is going to end on December 21 because the Mayan calendar ends is like saying:

a) I haven’t bought a 2013 calendar yet, so 2013 won’t exist.

b) I haven’t planned out tonight’s dinner, so the fish sticks in my freezer are going to collide with the frozen chicken nuggets and my entire refrigerator will implode.

c) I am an idiot.

Except, I actually remain a little concerned that the end of the world is nigh, although not so much because of the Mayan calendar. It’s because when I take a look at the stories I’ve covered over the last year, I become more and more convinced that humanity itself is actually far too horrifying to continue on much longer. (Also, I watched a LOT of X-Files back in the day.) (Also also: I like parties and I’m totally throwing an End of the World Party.)

Take a look at these 18 news stories from the past year, and see if you aren’t a little concerned yourself for the state of the world. It’s kind of like 2012: Your Year in WTF.

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  • 18 Alarming News Stories from 2012… 1 of 19
    18 Alarming News Stories from 2012...
    ...that prove the Mayans were totally right. From the existence of Charlie Fuqua to falling sharks, 18 signs that the apocalypse is near. Click the arrows to scroll through!
  • January: Toddlers & Tiaras Mom Sues Media 2 of 19
    January: Toddlers & Tiaras Mom Sues Media
    Our year in WTF kicks off with a woman who knowingly put her daughter on the nightmare known as Toddlers & Tiaras and then launched a $30 million suit against various media outlets for portraying her daughter in "an overly sexualized manner."

    Obviously, the one thing we can be sure of in this story is that the mom is most definitely not doing any of this for the publicity/money.

    Read more of this story here.
  • February: Mom: Disabled Teen Was Tortured for 7 Hours by School 3 of 19
    February: Mom: Disabled Teen Was Tortured for 7 Hours by School
    One of the worst stories I covered this year actually happened in 2002, but came to light in February of this year. In April, the horrifying video was finally released, showing an 18-year-old disabled student being restrained, face-down, for seven hours while be subjected to intermittent electrical shocks.

    Read more of this story here.
  • March: Girl Saves Money, Buys House, Rents it Out at Fair Price, and People Inexplicably Criticize Her 4 of 19
    March: Girl Saves Money, Buys House, Rents it Out at Fair Price, and People Inexplicably Criticize Her
    In March, we had the mind-boggling story of a young Florida teen who saved up her money, bought a house, fixed it with her mom, and rented it out for a fair price. The mind-boggling part is that people criticized her for this. I guess she should have spent her money on glitter nail polish and slap bracelets?

    Read more of this story here.
  • April: Nutella: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Health Food 5 of 19
    April: Nutella: I Can't Believe It's Not Health Food
    In April, a lawsuit was settled between a woman and the makers of delicious (but high-calorie) Nutella. Apparently the woman was shocked that something that tastes exactly like a chocolate truffle candy might not be all that good for you.

    Read more of this story here.
  • May: I Haven’t Been This Sad Since Wham! Broke Up 6 of 19
    May: I Haven't Been This Sad Since Wham! Broke Up
    In May, the Wiggles broke up and toddlers everywhere freaked the hell out.

    Read more of this story here.
  • June: Homophobes Boycott Oreos, Forget to Boycott a Bunch of Other Stuff 7 of 19
    June: Homophobes Boycott Oreos, Forget to Boycott a Bunch of Other Stuff
    In June, the image of a brightly-colored, rainbow Oreo went up on Oreo's Facebook page for Gay Pride Day. Homophobic bats**t craziness ensued, obviously, most of which played out on Facebook. A boycott was started, leaving more delicious cookies for the rest of us. (Thanks!)

    Apparently these bigots didn't seem to understand that Oreos are owned by Nabisco, which is owned by Kraft, which also owns everything ever, which means they would need to boycott nearly every consumer good in this country to get their point across. Because I like to be a helpful person, I provided them with a list of all the things they should stop using, starting with Facebook, which publicly supports gay marriage.

    Read more of this story here.
  • July: People who can’t do math are excited about a charity pet wedding that cost $270K, raised $50K. 8 of 19
    July: People who can't do math are excited about a charity pet wedding that cost $270K, raised $50K.
    Ugh.

    Read more of this story here.
  • August: School Hasn’t Even Started, and All These Things Are Banned 9 of 19
    August: School Hasn't Even Started, and All These Things Are Banned
    School hadn't even started yet, but by August, schools had already banned a surprising number of things. Among them: high-fives, hugs, Lee Greenwood (okay, fine, I'm sick of that song too), sunblock, and a little girl with cerebral palsy from using her walker.

    Read more of this story here.
  • August: A Film Fest Exists for Internet Cat Videos 10 of 19
    August: A Film Fest Exists for Internet Cat Videos
    And there you go.

    Read more of this story here.
  • September: Parents Spend Thousands on ‘Sorority Rush Consultants’ 11 of 19
    September: Parents Spend Thousands on 'Sorority Rush Consultants'
    Sorority Rush worries are officially the stupidest First World Problems ever. Also, if you're going to buy your kid some friends, it seems like it would be more efficient to just give the money to the friends directly. Or just give me the money, and I'll pretend to like your kid.

    Read more of this story here.
  • September: Family Sued Because Little Girl’s Playhouse Is ‘Too Pink’ 12 of 19
    September: Family Sued Because Little Girl's Playhouse Is 'Too Pink'
    Obviously because a little girl playing in her own yard is going to devastate the home values in the neighborhood.

    Read more of this story here.
  • September: Bacon Shortage a Clear Indicator That Mayans Were Probably Right 13 of 19
    September: Bacon Shortage a Clear Indicator That Mayans Were Probably Right
    For any doubters out there, I have three words for you: Worldwide. Bacon. Shortage.

    Read more of this story here.
  • September: Just When You Thought College Students Couldn’t Get Any Stupider 14 of 19
    September: Just When You Thought College Students Couldn't Get Any Stupider
    Hey, a new line of business for those sorority rush consultants: advising frat boys on whether to select red wine or white wine for butt chugging.

    Read more of this story here.
  • October: Apparently People Spent Money on a Study to ‘Discover’ That Kids With Autism Wander 15 of 19
    October: Apparently People Spent Money on a Study to 'Discover' That Kids With Autism Wander
    In other news, sky is blue, potty training sucks. Sigh.

    Read more of this story here.
  • October: Charlie Fuqua Exists. 16 of 19
    October: Charlie Fuqua Exists.
    Despite some incredibly tough competition, Charlie Fuqua earns his rightful place as 2012's most completely bonkers political candidate. Despite believing that disrespectful children should be given the death penalty, and that all American Muslims should be deported, he believed that his views "are well-accepted by most people." Um, no. Not so much.

    Read more of this story here.
  • October: When Locusts Aren’t Enough of a Plague Unto Earth: Sharks Fall From the Sky 17 of 19
    October: When Locusts Aren't Enough of a Plague Unto Earth: Sharks Fall From the Sky
    Nothing to be alarmed about here. Just SHARKS FALLING FROM THE SKY.

    Read more of this story here.
  • November: This Actually Happened. 18 of 19
    November: This Actually Happened.
    Over 7,000 people in Virginia are so disgusted with the state of politics that they voted for a cat.

    Read more of this story here.
  • December: This U.S. Government Statement Is Only Reassuring If You Never Obsessively Watched the X-Files 19 of 19
    December: This U.S. Government Statement Is Only Reassuring If You Never Obsessively Watched the X-Files
    The very fact that this needed to be said is depressing.

    Screenshot: USA.gov.

 

Read more from Joslyn on Babble and at her blog, stark. raving. mad. mommy. You can also follow Joslyn on FacebookTwitter, and Pinterest.

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