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24 Etsy Toys You Can Never Un-See

Oh, Etsy. You’re so full of wonderful, lovingly hand-crafted, heirloom-quality items. And also so full full of things that will keep me up at night wondering exactly what kind of mind dreams up these things.

After checking out fellow Strollerderby writer Sunny Chanel’s post of weird and wonderful finds on Etsy, I got to perusing the site. And I found things that cannot be unseen.

Let me get one thing straight: I’m not making fun of these toys. The artists who created them are incredibly talented, and these things take creepy to a whole new level of awesomeness. But they will haunt you.

As I’ve noted several times on my blog, I have an intense fear of antique dolls. Especially the kind where the eyes open and close. And the ones with human hair. Or human teeth. It’s just all a little too stabbity for me. One look at those little shoes and you can just hear the tappity-tappity-tappity sound they would make as they skritch around your room at night.

The artists at Etsy clearly think my fear is hilarious. Also? Etsy loves it some stabbity-looking baby doll heads, apparently.

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  • Baby doll heads + Star Wars = obvious choice for a mash-up. 2 of 25
    Baby doll heads + Star Wars = obvious choice for a mash-up.
    This TIE Fighter by Etsy's Geeky Vixen would scare Darth Vader himself.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Something terrible has happened to Lando Calrissian. 3 of 25
    Something terrible has happened to Lando Calrissian.
    Takes clonetroopers to a whole new level. What the heck are they doing on Planet Kamino, anyway? Stormtrooper by Geeky Vixen.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Ewoks can now pick on someone their own size. 4 of 25
    Ewoks can now pick on someone their own size.
    The Battle of Endor just got a lot freakier. Another gem from Geeky Vixen.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Doll’s Eye Ring is watching you sleep. 5 of 25
    Doll's Eye Ring is watching you sleep.
    Not too many things freak me out like those doll eyes that open and close. Having one on my hand would require a much higher dose of Ativan for me. Eye See You Doll's Eye Ring by the awesomely-named Auntie Beard Arts and Crap on Etsy.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • I actually want these. A lot. 6 of 25
    I actually want these. A lot.
    If I pinned these to the back of my hair, it might scare my kids into finishing their homework while I make dinner. Bonus: I can't actually see them when they're on the back of my head. Eye See What You Did There hairpins, also by the Auntie Beard Arts and Crap.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Will scare you away from that Easter chocolate. 7 of 25
    Will scare you away from that Easter chocolate.
    Worried you're going to be too tempted by the kids' Easter baskets? Keep your calories under control by posting this guy to guard their candy. What you're getting here is a "Primitive baby chick pattern" (not the actual toy) by The Vintage Polka Dot on Etsy. Note that she does not teach how to paint the freakishly real eyes in the pattern. You can't teach that kind of stuff, people.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Mutant, beaded, two-headed lizard. 8 of 25
    Mutant, beaded, two-headed lizard.
    This two-headed lizard by Amy Sayers is both adorable and a lesson on why we need to keep toxic chemicals out of our environment!
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Pretty much everything Blythe-related. 9 of 25
    Pretty much everything Blythe-related.
    I get that Blythe dolls are kind of cute, in a Goth kind of way. But I can't look at them without worrying about the Olsen twins. I'm pretty sure the real reason Ashley Olsen isn't acting any more is that she's been captured and shrunken down into doll form by an evil scientist.
    Blythe doll dress by Max and Lu's Knitting Shop: Get it on Etsy
    (Photo Credit, Ashley Olsen: Wikimedia Commons)
  • My Little Creepy Pony. 10 of 25
    My Little Creepy Pony.
    I hard a hard time deciding between this Creepy My Little Pony from Phoenix Wing Creations, or the artist's insanely awesome work with Monster High Dolls. I chose this one because Monster High Dolls are already pretty effed up on their own.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Zombie-hunting Bratz doll is infinitely more awesome and less creepy than a regular Bratz doll. 11 of 25
    Zombie-hunting Bratz doll is infinitely more awesome and less creepy than a regular Bratz doll.
    Speaking of dolls that are completely effed up on their own, congratulations to Etsy artist Payle Dragon for taking on the challenging medium of Bratz dolls. I find this Kill Bill-esque doll to far less creepy than a regular Bratz doll.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Nothing spells ‘homework fun’ like recycled crayon fingers. 12 of 25
    Nothing spells 'homework fun' like recycled crayon fingers.
    Yes, it is totally normal to have these amongst your kids' art supplies. Totally. Normal. Recycled crayon monster fingers by Buppins on Etsy.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Don’t forget about Fluffy! 13 of 25
    Don't forget about Fluffy!
    Of course Etsy has some creepy toys for your goth cat. These severed fingers, by Desert Rose Designs, are delightfully catnip-scented. Because who doesn't want to see their cat running around the house with a severed finger in its mouth?
    Get it on Etsy.
  • If your nursery theme is ‘The Exorcist,’ you need this on your baby registry. 14 of 25
    If your nursery theme is 'The Exorcist,' you need this on your baby registry.
    The best part about this Baby Head Light by Earth Sear Warrior on Etsy is that the head rotates. Just like Linda Blair, except with light streaming out of its mouth instead of vomit.
    Get it on eBay.
  • Someone’s been watching a little too much ‘Toy Story.’ 15 of 25
    Someone's been watching a little too much 'Toy Story.'
    Weird Action Figure Baby Doll Dudes by Rocket Taco on Etsy. Sadly, does not come with the tiny Frosted Flakes-flavored lip balm.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Tiny, depressing books. 16 of 25
    Tiny, depressing books.
    No little girl's dollhouse library is complete without some really tiny, really depressing books. Etsy's L. Delaney offers the titles shown, plus Farenheit 451, A Clockwork Orange, Atlas Shrugged, Dracula, and Jaws. L. Delaney has some non-creepy titles, too, but personally I'd like a tiny copy of Lord of the Flies.
    Get them on Etsy.
  • Etsy loves it some baby heads, apparently. 17 of 25
    Etsy loves it some baby heads, apparently.
  • Reborn dolls will mess with your heart and steal your credit cards. 18 of 25
    Reborn dolls will mess with your heart and steal your credit cards.
    Reborn dolls are hyper-lifelike baby dolls that are sculpted and then lovingly "reborn" by, um, crazy people doll enthusiasts. Here we have Reborn twins Steve and Simon by Peachy Cheeks Nursery. I think Simon is the awake one. "Both have spit bubbles and magnetic pacifiers," the description reads. "Be cautious of pacemakers and electronics/credit cards." Obviously, when Steve wakes up they're going to rifle through your wallet, steal your AmEx, and zap your pacemaker as they skitter out the door.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • I can recommend a good pediatric dermatologist. 19 of 25
    I can recommend a good pediatric dermatologist.
    This Reborn doll, by Jen's Art Dolls, "even has blue veining!" She also seems to have eczema, which admittedly appeals to moms like me with allergy-prone kids.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Actually, anything at all to do with Reborn dolls, ever. 20 of 25
    Actually, anything at all to do with Reborn dolls, ever.
    Like something from Harry Potter's Lake Task, here we have "Scary Mary Reborn Aquatic Baby" by Angels Unawares on Etsy. Bonus! Comes with algae disks so you can keep your Reborn lake monster happy and healthy. Because nobody wants to piss off a Reborn doll.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Maybe to scare off the Reborn dolls? 21 of 25
    Maybe to scare off the Reborn dolls?
    I actually kinda want this Woodland Fairy by Blessed Bala. It looks just scary enough to protect me from that last Reborn doll.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Humpty-Dumpty was pushed. 22 of 25
    Humpty-Dumpty was pushed.
    Perfect for any child's Easter basket, this felted Humpty-Dumpty, by Nodsu's Lil' Corner, shows Humpty after the fall, looking "a little bruised and shaken." Get it on Etsy
  • Hoppin’ down the bunny trail… 23 of 25
    Hoppin' down the bunny trail...
    Here comes Peter Cottontail, two-sided Dark Moon Bunny, hoppin' down the bunny trail to steal your candy, and possibly also your breath.
    Get it on Etsy.
  • Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me. 24 of 25
    Can't sleep, clowns will eat me.
    Although I find it hard to believe that anyone actually likes clowns, that appears to be the case. I just have some disorder that makes me think they're all going to kill me. I should note that the artist of the scary clown should win a prize for best description: "Please buy this doll so I can get it the hell out of my house."
    Cute clown by Teresa's Ceramics on Etsy. Scary clown doll by The Catts Ugly Babies on Etsy.
  • Umm…yeah. 25 of 25
    Umm...yeah.
    This is entitled "Imogene and the Golden Lotus Puppet Show." I'm not even sure what this is, exactly. Sculpture? Toy? Political statement? Whatever it is, it's freaking me the hell out. By Doters on Etsy.
    Get it on Etsy.

Read more from Joslyn at her blog stark. raving. mad. mommy. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter for even more funny.

 

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