6 Survival Tips for Kate Middleton

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What she can do to make us love her

I blame Princess Di.

I blame her for the years of Disney Princess madness, I blame her for over-the-top Bridezilla-run weddings, I blame her for our obsession with celebrities (well, her and Madonna). I blame Diana, RIP and all that, for the fact that a treacly tribute ballad runs through my head every time my gap-toothed son puts on a certain pair of pink sunglasses we keep in the car.

I also blame (actually, commend is the better word) the leggy blonde for bringing global awareness to the plight of children with HIV and AIDS, using her status to get good stuff done and, well, for dumping Charles’ ass after their not-so-happily-ever-after marriage became unbearable.

Today, I blame her for all the buzz surrounding today’s announcement that Kate Middleton has agreed to be the heir to the English throne’s bride.

The future Mrs. Prince William is already being touted as the next Princess Di — seems the world has suffered without one and Angelina Jolie wasn’t doing the trick. Instead, the world rejoiced as it also drew in a collective breath in the hopes things will go more smoothly for them than Prince William’s elders, especially as she has agreed to wear the ring that adorned the hand of my generation’s real-live princess.

My bet is things will go more smoothly — Kate and William are older, they had good parents, one could argue he’s marrying is one true love the first time (rather than the second time around like his old man). I’m sure they’ve learned from his parents’ mistakes.

But Kate will likely be in survival mode for, say, the next 20 years as she establishes herself among the royals and cranks out some heirs to the throne, like you do. I’m sure she’ll be in Princess Diana’s shadow for years to come, but she doesn’t have to be all candle-in-the-windy about it.

She’s older, wiser and possibly a touch sassier. If she follows these 6 survival tips — from someone who watched from afar the rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and … of Kate Middleton’s future mother-in-law — she’ll be set.

Or, at least, she’ll be able to live with herself.

6 Survival Tips for Kate Middleton, future Mrs. Princess in my 24-hour news cycle:

1. Keep the train of your wedding dress shorter than a city block.

Austerity measures, cut backs, whatever you want to call them. Fewer ostentatious displays at least for the next decade and you’ll earn lots of fans, even of the non-royal watching types.

2. Forget the hats, be yourself.

Unless your out skiing (and, PS: see No.1), don’t worry about the hats. I know it’s tradition. I know it’s a thing. But they’re awkward. Plus it will help you with No. 5

3. Skip the eating disorder.

It seems that perfectly lovely women join the royal family and, before you know it, they’re either forcing themselves to throw up or binge-eating/losing weight as a career. I mean, feel free to double-down at the royal buffet — enjoy the good eating. But don’t sweat the extra pounds.

4. Regarding your betrothed and future fidelity:

Lay down the law now and tell him to shove it later if, you know, he’s a chip off the old block.

5. Stand up to the Queen.

Or ignore her. Or smile and nod (in a hat, if you must). But then do your own thing and don’t look back at the palace. You’re a modern woman, you like the disco wear. Feel free to work that.

6. The answer is “no!”

… if Disney asks to model a new princess character after you. Consider it a personal favor to … me. If you can do that, I won’t blame Kate Middleton for anything.

What are you tips for Kate?


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