9 Horrifying Gifts to Avoid Buying Your Wife for Valentines Day

What woman wouldn't want wings served by a waitress in a tight t-shirt instead of a ring for Valentine's Day? Oh, right. NO woman, that's who.

Note to my husband: When I said I didn’t want anything for Valentine’s Day other than a card inside of a dry envelope (you know, which means you wrote in the card and sealed the envelope more than 30 seconds before handing it to me), I meant it.

And what that really means is that I really just want a card.

And what that really means, too, is that you should not get me any of these for Valentine’s Day. Because if you do, you will then be required to buy out an entire Hallmark store and write a note in each and every card for all of our Valentine’s Days thereafter — as a punishment.

Oh, wait. If you get me any of these for Valentine’s Day, we actually won’t be spending Valentine’s Days together, or any other days together, after this one.

A note to all husbands and boyfriends: Try to do better than these for Valentine’s Day. It really shouldn’t be too hard.

Check out 9 spectacular Valentine fails after the jump (a special thanks to for compiling the images):


  • Roaches 1 of 9
    When you want to tell me it'll last forever, say it with a roach.
  • Hockey 2 of 9
    At least individual tickets are on sale. You know, so when you take me to the game this year, you know you'll be able to go alone — when you're single — next year.
  • Bedwetting 3 of 9
    Get me something from this store and you won't have to worry about bedwetting because you'll be sleeping alone.
  • Anti-Fungal Cream 4 of 9
    Anti-Fungal Cream
    That's what jumped off the page to me, at least. That, and Butt Aid.
  • Shooting Session 5 of 9
    Shooting Session
    Did you get all tingly down there, too, when you imagined us wearing goggles and noise-canceling headphones, and with our fingers just dripping with gun powder?
  • Wings 6 of 9
    By all means, if you can't get me a ring, then let's ogle girls in tight shirts together. Seems like an acceptable substitute.
  • Sliders 7 of 9
    I'll grab the plastic tray, you wipe the dried ketchup off the chair that's attached to the table. Wheee! There's that tingly feeling again!
  • Weapons 8 of 9
    If you get me this for Valentine's Day, there will be blood, indeed.
  • Waffles 9 of 9
    Let's profess our undying love for each other by eating our way into an early grave together. So romantic!

All images courtesy of To see the full set of insanely bad Valentine’s gift images, go here.

Follow Meredith Carroll on Twitter

Article Posted 4 years Ago
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