Betty Jean Lifton, Adoption Reform Advocate, Dies at 84
Lifton's Book About Search for Birth Mother
If you’re not a member of the so-called adoption triad, the name Betty Jean Lifton may not be familiar to you. But she was a pioneer in adoption reform. In Ms. Lifton’s New York Times obituary, Margalit Fox describes her as “a writer, adoptee and adoption-reform advocate whose books — searing condemnations of the secrecy that traditionally shrouded adoption — became touchstones for adoptees throughout the world.”
Ms. Lifton, who died on November 19 in Boston, was one of the first adoptees to write about the possible psychological harm of adoption. In “Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter,” published in 1975, Ms. Lifton chronicled her search for her birth mother. She covered similar territory in “Lost and Found: The Adoption Experience” and “Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness.”
An outspoken advocate for unsealing adoption records, Ms. Lifton counseled adoptees and their families.
Ms. Lifton grew up in a time where adoptive parents often didn’t even tell their children they were adopted or, as in Ms. Lifton’s case, they waited until they were older before telling them (Ms. Lifton was 7 when she learned she was adopted). Adoptive parents often passed on a feeling of shame to their adoptive children and imparted false information to them (in Ms. Lifton’s case, she was told that her birth parents died, although that wasn’t the case).
Not surprisingly, Ms. Lifton said she suffered from feelings of confusion and loss over the lack of a cohesive personal history. Many adoptees of that generation could relate.
“I say that society, by sealing birth records, by cutting adoptees off from their biological past, by keeping secrets from them, has made them into a separate breed, unreal even to themselves,” she wrote in “Twice Born.”
Ms. Lifton and I grew up in very different adoption climates. While her adoption was shrouded in secrecy and shame, growing up in the 1970s, I was taught to feel special simply because I was “chosen.” My parents told me I was adopted from the time I was a baby. It was never a secret. They shared whatever information they had about my birth family.
Unfortunately, we would later find out that the information the agency had given them was incomplete and misleading.
Although I never met Ms. Lifton, I had a personal connection to her. Back in 2000, before I became a parent, I wrote an essay for Redbook entitled “Why I Don’t Want to Find My Birth Mother.” For my research, I interviewed Ms. Lifton.
She insisted that I was angry about being relinquished for adoption and that if I didn’t want to search for my biological family, I was in denial. She told me that adoptees can only be fulfilled by reuniting with their birth parents.
I still feel strongly that it’s possible for adoptees to be happy whether they search or don’t search for birth parents (adoptees who search are called ungrateful and ones who don’t are accused of being in denial).
But looking back at our conversation now, I see how defensive I was when speaking with Ms. Lifton. She was right that I glossed over the reality of adoption. Along with the tremendous gain (parents gain a child, a child gains a home), there is a loss. Somehow, I had managed to only see the positive in the situation and ignored the fact that as happy as I was with my adoptive family, I had a history before I was placed with them.
I couldn’t know when speaking with Ms. Lifton that five years later, I would be contacted by Louise Wise Services, the adoption agency that had placed me. They had news for me: I had an identical twin sister and she was looking for me. Together, my newfound sister and I teamed up to research our birth family and the reasons for our separation. We wrote a book, “Identical Strangers: A Memoir of Twins Separated and Reunited” about our experience.
Luckily, thanks to Ms. Lifton and other adoption crusaders, the face of adoption continues to change and there are now more open adoptions. As I’ve written before for Strollerderby, I’m in favor of full disclosure about adoptions. I only wish I had another chance to speak to Ms. Lifton and tell her about my own adoption journey.
I think it was more than presumptious that Ms. Lifton told you how you were feeling about your own adoption. Adoption is not a one size fits all, while she was obviously jaded by her own experience, it is okay to feel positive about your adoption AND to have your feelings about your adoption change over time. My two younger sisters are adopted. They went to Korea over the summer, the country they originated from. They talked about visiting the orphanges they came from, but ultimately, chose not to visit. That may not have been the choice they made ten years ago or the choice they will make if they visit again. I think it is completely normal to have a spectrum of changing feelings about one’s adoption because we are always changing and evolving as people. But, as a whole, it probably is not healthy to have it define who you are completely or to have your adoption consume your life.
Kari, you are right that it was presumptuous of her, which is why I was turned off by her message at the time. As I wrote above, I don’t think adoptees who opt to search should be demonized. Nor should those who choose not to search be told they are in denial. That said, her message resonated with a lot of adoptees who felt they didn’t have a voice before she spoke out on their behalf. Also, as I said, she came of age during an earlier era where adoptees really were made to feel ashamed. Luckily, for the most part, times have changed! Thanks for chiming in, Kari. I agree that for me at least, it’s healthier not to be entirely defined by adoption.
I thik my feelings about being adopted changed dramatically when I had my own children. A whole lot of anger that I hadn’t realized during the first 30 years of my life suddenly surfaced. I do think that many (not all, but many) adoptees are in denial regarding the experience.
Interesting, Linda. Different feelings about adoption surfaced after becoming a mother, but I never felt anger. I really don’t think we can generalize about people’s feelings.
No, we can’t generalize, however, I don’t think that most adoptees who claim they aren’t altered in any way (and there seem to be a lot of them) are in denial. It’s interesting to me to hear you say that you were comforted by your parents telling you that you were special and chosen. I was brought up with people (not my parents, but others) always telling me how “lucky” I was to have been adopted. My childhood was quite tumultous and dysfunctional in ways that were not apparent to the outside world. I always felt tremendous guilt over not feeling all that “lucky” and I still consider that to be a really inappropriate thing to say to an adoptee. I read about your book before I started posting on Strollerderby and thought it sounded like an interesting read. I’m definitely going to get a copy now that I realize you wrote it.
Hi Linda. Of course, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book once you’ve read it. Also, I didn’t actually say that I was comforted by being told I was “lucky” or “special.” I think back then, adoption agencies told adoptive parents to emphasize this notion, but it isn’t actually so helpful and can be detrimental to children (as you say it was for you). Only after learning “the truth” about my adoption story did I realize that although I was lucky to have been adopted by my family, I was not so lucky to have been born into this particular situation (you’ll have to read the book to get the details on that). And obviously, I wasn’t so lucky to lose my birth mother and twin sister (I don’t mention the birth father since we don’t know anything about him).
paula, i just wanted you to know how much i loved this. it was beautiful.
Comments Nice piece, Paula.