After the Fire
Violet on our front porch this past July.
As you may or may not have heard, two weeks ago instead of reporting the news, I became the news when our house was severely damaged by fire.
The third floor and much of the second floor were destroyed rendering the home unlivable. They haven’t released a cause but the fire marshal thinks it started in the walls of my daughter’s bedroom.
I’m still in shock, I think. I don’t really know. I’ve been on autopilot for two weeks now. Find a place to live. Dig through piles of burned possessions in the hope of finding journals and photos that I could salvage. Pack any belongings that didn’t get damaged. Move to a new house. Organize a new house while trying to figure out what needs to be replaced. All this while attempting to meet the needs of two young children who have no idea what’s going on.
What does Violet think, I keep asking myself. Does she wonder where our old house went? At barely three years old, is she old enough to miss her bedroom? A room that no longer exists, toys that no longer exist, clothes that are gone… Do we talk about it with her?
So far we’ve said nothing. We made a game out of moving into the new house and creating a new bedroom and she seems to be doing well. But, well, I don’t know. Does she remember seeing her room on fire? I haven’t asked. Even if she retains some small memory, I don’t want to harp on it. The most important thing at hand, in my eyes, is creating a new room for her and keeping up her routine as best as we can considering that much of her routine before involved our old home and neighborhood and the amenities nearby. The home we have rented is not as close to the things we used to do – swimming lessons, Kindermusik – yet I am determined to continue those things because that was a part of her routine that she really seemed to enjoy.
I guess I’m just thinking aloud here… fumbling along at parenting through something like this, trying hard not to think about what could have been and focusing on what I can do now.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you all so much for the mind-blowing outpouring of support our family received. Not only you, the readers, but my colleagues here at Babble and the folks behind-the-scenes. You wouldn’t believe the support I’ve received from everyone here at Babble. I especially wanted to thank Katie Granju who – within 24 hours of the fire – organized a fundraiser for our family and, with the help of several Babble writers, spread the word and raised money to help our family find a new place to live and replace some of the belongings we lost in the fire.
I love Katie Granju so much my heart just about explodes every time I think of her. For so many reasons. Sitting in my car blubbering to her on my cell phone about how I just wanted to go home (without having a home to go to) and hearing her calm voice of reason was so comforting. Like, I just wanted to drive to Knoxville and crawl into her bed and sleep for ten years. Thank you, Katie. Thank you a million times. And thank you Babble colleagues for your support, your generosity and for your blog posts here on Babble and your personal blogs. I have read all your words during a very dark time and it really helped me put one foot in front of the other and just keep going even though all I’ve wanted to do for every second of the past two weeks is crawl into bed, someone’s bed, not mine, it was ruined in the fire, and just bawl my eyes out.
This. This is what the internet is all about. People helping people whether it’s through a fundraiser, a supportive blog post, a Facebook comment – the power of the internet and hundreds of generous compassionate people have helped my family through a really dark time.
We’re thinking of you, Monica. You’re brave and you’re strong. Hang in there.
Good to hear your “voice” Monica. Each day is one step closer to normal… Keep stepping.
This may be inappropriate … unsolicited advice is so often unwelcome … but I’ll take the chance anyway.
In my extended family there have been several traumatic events. My observation from watching the various children grow up is that the ones who know the story — whose parents have told them about it, and welcomed their questions with honest answers — have done better than the ones whose parents focused on helping the kids forget.
We don’t forget. But if we don’t have a coherent story, we make one up. One of the cousins was present when a fire started that burned down half her house. Decades later, paralyzed by indecision and anxiety, she began therapy. Eventually she discovered that she had always assumed the fire was her fault, because no one would talk with her about it. It warped her life.
My two cents: make it a family story. “Remember the time that the house was on fire? And how you were so brave, and we all ran out together?”
Oh Monica. Prayers with you guys, keep strong Mama. You’re doing what you need to do, being the best mom you can.
My thoughts are with you & your family. your so strong to be able to write about this so soon afterwards.
When she grows up I doubt Violet will remember this time in her life, especially since you make her feel safe & secure now. However, my daughter is 4 1/2 & she currently remembers all sorts of things from up to two years ago. When you feel more settled, ask her about it & follow her lead.
@Maggie – I appreciate the advice and totally agree with you. It will definitely be a family story the kids will hear as they grow up. But, right now, I just don’t want to talk about it with Violet. She turns 3 this week and I want to focus on fun stuff like swimming lessons and her birthday party and her new bedroom – but the house fire will definitely become a vocal part of our family history, once our kids are old enough to understand.
So glad you all are ok! I can’t imagine how hard it must be.
I agree that eventually you’ll want to discuss it with her – given how close she was to the flames (my heart races a little just thinking about it) but I think you have the right idea for now. Wait until you feel comfortable talking about it and let her focus on the birthday party and decorating her new space right now. You’ve been through a horrible two weeks so it probably feels like a lifetime, but it hasn’t been that long – no reason to rush into it. Probably the most important thing is to be able to discuss it calmly and tell her what a good job she did calling for you, leaving, etc. (she says with absolutely no authority…)
More unsolicited advice: When my dad was about 6, his house burnt down. He had been playing with matches, and although the fire was later to determined to be caused by faulty wiring, he always thought the fire was his fault. Not knowing my dad had been playing with matches, my grandmother never thought to tell my father the actual cause of the fire. It wasn’t until about nine or ten years ago that my dad mentioned it to his older brother, who told him the real cause. So crazy–for over 40 years my dad carried this guilt around.
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So yeah, another voice that recommends discussing it eventually.
I’m so, so glad you and your family are OK! I hope you guys have a wonderful birthday with Violet and are able to pick up the pieces!
It’s great that you’ve found a new home so soon. My little kids were very clingy after our house burned but all that stopped as soon as we found a new house. At this point everyone loves the new place so much that they pretty much don’t care that they lost things to the fire. Kids are resilient like that.
Thank heavens you’re all safe. Just saw this today and read your personal post too. Must have been horrifying for you. Thank God you heard her and could get to her. I can’t think of what else to day. It’s normal by the way, to mourn the loss of the house and the material things inside, including the memories and keepsakes. It doesn’t mean you’re less thankful.
As for talking to Violet about it, I know my little girls (5 and 3) are quite astute. They know what’s going on even if it doesnt seem like it. She may not be talking about it because you’re not. Plus she doesn’t know what to talk about and she can probably sense you and Serge are upset. You can say, in a matter of fact voice that you are moving to a new house because the old house had a fire. She won’t have an emotion attached to it as you do because her life is safe as long as she has you. You are going through the what-ifs and the holy crap did it really happen. She isn’t. For her it is what it is. Not sure if that makes any sense but it will help her if you do talk about it. It will help her because it will let her know that you are OK.
Don’t know you but hugs anyway. Xox
My house burned down when I was four. We lived in a duplex that had woodstoves on both sides, and the neighbors used theirs like idiots, basically. , I remember every detail. I lost all of my toys and clothes, and my birthday party was canceled. But I don’t remember having nightmares or being otherwise traumatized about it. I am careful though, I had a fireplace in our home growing up afterward, and have had woodstoves since moving out. I’m very respectful of fire now. My parents were very conscientious about educating us.
My prayers are with your family. This will be over soon. The effects are not forever. You’ll move on.
We lost our house in the first round of Texas wildfires this past April. Our 3 month old definitely wasn’t affected by it (as long as he had the boob, he didn’t care where he was!). Our 2 year old was very upset as we were being evacuated. The house wasn’t on fire yet, but it was scary driving out through the smoke. And we had to wake them both up from a nap so he was very disoriented (I think waking them up from their first tandem nap was the most devastating part for me!) but then he was fine. The thrill of pushing buttons in a hotel elevator overrode everything else. We decided not to take him back to the house until the demo crew had cleaned everything out and it was just a shell. We just didn’t think it would be helpful for him to see his melted toys and the total devastation that a fire causes…it was hard enough to see as a grown up. The first time we took him he said, Hey! Our house is broken! Then we talked about it. Since he was only 2 we kept it really simple, our house burned in a fire but we’re building a new house. We’ve kept him really involved in the house rebuilding too. Occasionally he will ask where a certain toy is and then he’ll say, “Oh, it must have been in the fire” but he doesn’t seem bothered by it. The millions of donated toys didn’t hurt his healing process!
The fire was awful but something so good came out of it. We have learned the love and strength of the people we have in our lives. We always say that they helped turn a great tragedy into a great adventure. I am so sorry that you and your family had to go through this but I am so glad that you are surrounded by such amazing people!
Thinking of you, Monika. I think you should talk about the fire, but I talk about everything,