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Amazon Overrun by Hilarious Customer Reviews of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

banana slicer, banana slicer reviews, funny amazon reviews, hutzler 571 reviews, gag gifts

The Hutzler 571: a powerful machine.

Sometimes a product is so ridiculous, the public feels a need to make it plain in the customer review section of Amazon’s website. So it was with those pastel-colored Bic pens for ladies, and so it is with the latest Amazon product to be mocked, the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

According to its description, the 571 is “faster, safer than using a knife, great for cereal, plastic, dishwasher safe, slices your banana with one quick motion” and, the makers note, “Kids love slicing their own bananas!”

Here’s what customers have to say about the product. Some think it’s brilliant and have found it to be a life-saving tool, but one user just wants his job as a banana ninja back:


  • Upgrades? 1 of 20
    Upgrades?
    By v s keith: What improvements are you working on for the 572? What makes this better than my old 569? I hope you will take into account some of the fine suggestions here like metric version?
  • Figured it out. 2 of 20
    Figured it out.
    By Monte Cristo falling: I found this product to be a bit glitchy at first, but once I downloaded the software update, it worked like a dream. Perhaps too well, as it has been seen around my house cutting all sorts of other fruit in a most promiscuous manner.
  • I bought 3 3 of 20
    I bought 3
    By BananaFreak: I'm a mechanic and I didn't always get time to have a healthy snack like a banana because of how long it took to slice it. Instead I was forced to eat candies and chips out of the vending machine. I purchased the 571 slicer and kept it in my tool box. Boy, once I got this little puppy my life changed. I lost 30 pounds, and I found my mood improved. Because of my new look and attitude I received 3 raises over the last year. I was impressed at how much it changed my work life, I decided to get one for the car and one for the home. Since buying 2 more I haven't hit my wife and kids even once and I don't get road rage anymore.
  • Where do I find the banana peeler that goes with it? 4 of 20
    Where do I find the banana peeler that goes with it?
    By Richard W. Fowler: I bought one of these and it works pretty good but I need the matching peeler! Do they come in a set?
  • No Bundle Deal? 5 of 20
    No Bundle Deal?
    By Words&Pictures: I was disappointed to see that this product was not marketed with a bundle deal so that I could buy it together with the Banana Saver Carry Case. What is the point of a banana slicer if I can't carry the banana with me?
  • Sorting and filing 6 of 20
    Sorting and filing
    Also great for combing dog hair.
  • Bananas are Satan’s handiwork 7 of 20
    Bananas are Satan's handiwork
    By Magical Unicorn: If I could give this product zero stars, I would. Bananas are an abomination. They are the work of the Devil. Anyone who purchases the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer will surely burn in Hell for all eternity. Praise Jesus.
  • It could have won us the war… 8 of 20
    It could have won us the war...
    By Ken: It was 1968 Nam'... my buddy and i had been on patrol when we stopped for a little nourishment. I had a banana, but nothing to cut it with. My buddy takes his bayonet off his M16 so we can share it, but little did we know that we were about to be ambushed by "Charlie". Most of our platoon didn't make it, and think back... "what if we just had the 571B Banana Slicer?" I became a different man that day... but my banana being cut into even pieces, still haunts me. I just hope we can learn from it all.
  • Total Fail 9 of 20
    Total Fail
    By S. Jehlik. 20 slices? Any sod knows the proper way to slice a banana is with 18 slices. You'd figure they would have done some basic research before putting out this product.
  • Over the lifetime of one banana lover… 10 of 20
    Over the lifetime of one banana lover...
    By candymanvandyfan: Over the lifetime of one banana lover, this plastic problemsolver will save literally tens of seconds. Love is not a big enough word to describe how I feel about my Hutzler 571.
  • Eureka! 11 of 20
    Eureka!
    By Drincan Fromme Einstein: The effectiveness of the Hutzler 571B banana slicer is now beyond question, now leading to new discoveries. After slicing my morning banana for my Quaker Oatmeal, I discovered that not one but TWO of the banana's phloem (stringy stuff) had formed the distinctive trail of the elusive Higgs-Boson "God" particle! And CERN spent a billion time$ more for the Large Hadron Collider for what? NADA! 'Cept a big toy. That makes Swiss cheese of arguments from techno-weenies like Neil Degrasse-Tyson for larger science and technology budgets!
  • Works fantastic! 12 of 20
    Works fantastic!
    By Garth Mickelson: I was skeptical at first, there have been similar products in the past promising to help you slice everything from bread to eggs, but they've all been a bitter disappointment in one way or another, but the Hutzler 571 did as advertised, and then some! It has restored my faith in humanity! I'm hoping they consider making one for plantains!
  • Banana bomb 13 of 20
    Banana bomb
    Be careful! Don't slice too hard!
  • Gaze upon my shattered dreams. 14 of 20
    Gaze upon my shattered dreams.
    By BanaNinja: I was an outsider. No purpose. No direction. While classmates fostered talents and refined skills that would blossom into lucrative careers, I couldn't even eat paste without choking. I was desperate. Alone. That is, until I found the ancient discipline of banana slicing. The great unwashed masses sliced their bananas with a blithe indifference. For me, the existential joy of a proportionally sliced banana had been uncovered, laid bare before my disbelieving eyes. I had been reborn. Decades I spent, training in the banana underground with banana masters of South America, Southeast Asia and India. A patient student of the banana, I was meticulous. Discipline. Dedication. Focus. These forged a master bananaman. I returned stateside. The goal: A Banana Slicing Empire, built one evenly bite-sized banana nugget at a time. ALAS! CURSED HUNTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER! My life's pursuit lost to a safe and economical tool that slices bananas perfectly and is easy to clean! Again I drift, guided only by the hope of turning my skill upon the unchecked scourge of unsliced bread loaves. Huntzler 571 Banana Slicer, victory is yours... for now.
  • A Game Changer! 15 of 20
    A Game Changer!
    By Poisoned Blade: Finally!!! I can quickly slice bananas without getting smashed banana all over my tennis racquet. And the wheel-like shapes look so much more appetizing than the mushy yellow rectangles you get from the racquet. I don't even have to put my racquet in the dishwasher anymore! Thanks Hutzler! What would I do without you?
  • Patent Infringment! 16 of 20
    Patent Infringment!
    By G. Mantel "Honestly Reviewed": First off, has anyone noticed the size of this device is listed as 1-inch x 1-inch x 1-inch?! Clearly this was done to hide the fact that they violated the patent for my most-clever domestic machinery device known to man, the Cucumber Slicer! (British Patent Office, 1893) I will haunt them forever for this transgression! Sincerely, The Ghost of James Osborn Spong, ironmonger to Her Most Gracious Queen Victoria, on behalf of Spong & Company, London
  • Needs a sharpener attachment 17 of 20
    Needs a sharpener attachment
    By Carolwesterly: I can't believe some of the moronic comments here - how could these reviewers expect that bananas would come with the Hutzler 571 banana peeler. If you buy a pill splitter, does it come with pills? If you buy a steak knife, does it come with a steak? That being said, I would like to know when the company is going to offer a 571 sharpener. According to some of the comments here, this device is good for about 100 bananas, which I would go through easily in a year - then what am I supposed to do?? It should come with it's own accessories package, including a sharpener, and perhaps a storage bag and hanger for the wall, so we could extend the useful life of the peeler. This seems like a waste of money for only 100 bananas.
  • Electrical banana is gonna be a sudden craze 18 of 20
    Electrical banana is gonna be a sudden craze
    By Jonathan Swiftboat: I attached a stylus to the slicer, hooked it into my 40 year old Radio Shack phonograph player and played "Mellow Yellow" backwards. Did you know that song was about DRUGS??? I got an extra one that I hung on my tree as a Christmas ornament. Boy, has that ever turned out to be a conversation piece!!!
  • Best Jobsite Companion Evar!!! 19 of 20
    Best Jobsite Companion Evar!!!
    By Doodadz: The guys on the jobsite are all amazed at how well I handle bananas now that I have the Hutzler 571 banana slicer. This is a real man's tool here... solid, simple, and ready to tackle the messy work, like my famous peanut butter, banana and Bacon sandwiches. I love the heavy-duty one piece plastic construction, and the high-visibility yellow finish was a hit with the OSHA guys. I have found the Hutzler 571 also makes a great drywall reamer in a pinch. When you are surrounded by bananas, nothing gets the job done like a 571!
  • Is this safe for women? 20 of 20
    Is this safe for women?
    By Leon Dekelbaum "process613": I would love to get this for my mother, but she has trouble with electronics and I'd hate for her to get injured. Does anyone know of a woman using this safely?

For more reviews, check out the Hutzler 571 on Amazon.

***

More from Carolyn on Babble:

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Learn more about Carolyn at her blog.

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