Being a Mom Is Hard EnoughLyz Lenz
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The grocery store hijack
No matter how hard you are working at balancing produce and your baby while trying to grab the bargain bin wine, chances are this mommy will stroll by and let you know with a loud sigh that she could have done it better. Solution: Realize that if your baby is still in the cart, you're doing something right. And treat yourself to two bottles from the bargain bin.
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Nothing is more paralyzing or rage-inducing than the passive-aggressive Facebook attack, and its where this mommy thrives. On Facebook she can tell you all about how she is already in her pre-pregnancy pants and share links that prove (with science, natch) how horrible it is when parents let their kids play with dog food or watch daytime television.
Solution: Remember, if shes this desperate to brag, chances are shes got an internal Judge Judy wreaking havoc with her confidence. Dont let her insecurities become contagious.
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The coffee shop eye roll
The coffee shop mommy is notorious for sneak attacks. Sure, shes hunkering down at an establishment that deals in caffeine, but dont assume shes sympathetic. Shes drinking tea and if you drag your fat, pregnant self up to the counter and order the biggest bucket of caffeine they have, shes going to give you the slanty eye and make you consider dumping $5 worth of wake-up time all over her.
Solution: Remember, you cant even think clearly until youve had your morning cup. Take it down the block and if you still feel like confronting her after, you can always go all the way back to do it. Yeah, right.
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The restaurant ambush
You thought you were having a nice time out to eat. No dishes, no floors to clean, no stove to sweat over (or if we are being honest, no microwave buttons to press), and then, out of nowhere, your baby coos, fussy, or even worse, lets a French fry fly, and from the booth behind you, you hear, Our child never went out to eat with us.
Solution: Smile happily at your baby and say, Isnt it nice to have parents who love you so much they treat you like an actual human who will benefit from interacting with society?
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This mommy hides in playgroups and seems to thrive on worrying about your child more than you do. Should your baby have a hat on? Are you really going to put sunblock on that precious, sweet skin?
Solution: The truly hard part about dealing with this mommy is being mom enough to know when shes actually pointing out something that will help your kid. Take a good two seconds to allow for this possibility before finding another mommy to talk to.
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Holier than thou
This can turn a day of worship — however you choose to do it — into a day of rage. All she has to do is turn around while youre trying to get centered and glare at you when your baby fusses. Hey, its no cakewalk for you either.
Solution: Give her an extra dose of namaste and move on with your day.
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Baby name belittler
This can come at anytime and at anyplace, although its usually at a family event. All of a sudden, the aunt who has five kids all with J names (Jakyn, Jyllyn, Jorgia, Jaspyn and Jermayn) asks you where on EARTH you got the name for your baby.
Solution: Say your child is named after the mattress brand on which she was conceived.
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The Internet ambush
When people look back on the changes that the Internet hath wrought upon our society, I hope they include giving dangerously misinformed sanctimommies a place to make all other moms feel like crap. These days, you cant even Google why does my baby want to vomit on me? without being told by a stranger that youre the real problem.
Solution: Get the facts, leave the crazies to their craziness, and take a shower when you can.
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Eating away at you
This mommy loves judging how your baby eats, what your baby eats, and when your baby eats. Whether you arent breastfeeding enough or breastfeeding too long, giving your baby solids or not giving your baby solids soon enough, or horror of all horrors shutting your kid up with food that isnt organic, this mommy will let you know what youre doing wrong.
Solution: Listen to your pediatrician, not this makings-of-an-eating-disorder mama.
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The (wo)man in the mirror
Nothing ruins a day more than realizing that you were throwing your own sanctimommy vibes when you judged the happy, skinny mom talking about how awesome her natural birth was or the tired-looking woman stuffing her toddlers happy face with fries. Dont front. Weve all been there.
Solution: Check yourself before you wreck another moms day. Weve all got our views on what might work for someone else, but unless you are asked to share yours, theyre best left private.
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