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Blogging Through Divorce and Separation

By cecilyk |

The door slammed to our bedroom, me behind it, shaking so badly that I couldn’t breathe. I was so angry. I felt so alone. I whipped out my phone and thought about calling someone but I didn’t want my husband to hear me. So I logged in to Facebook, and into a private group I’m a member of, and I poured out my anger and fear and resentment. In that moment, my marriage felt like it might not survive the night.

We patched things up, my husband and I (in fact, I don’t even remember what the fight was about). But there is definitely a change in the tenor of our relationship these days. As parents of a child and no longer “new” parents our day to day life has gone from being the standard Hail Mary “get through the day with the kid” to being pretty normal. We have the luxury, now, of working on our relationship, and some days? That work sucks.

I think this is common for couples; as the kids age, you begin to feel more like an individual again and less like “mommy” or “daddy” and you begin to look for ways to be happy, and sometimes that way doesn’t mean staying in your current relationship. Separations and divorce seem to be common once kids enter grade school. But what does that mean when it happens to you, and you’re a mom or dad blogger?

It’s happening to one of the most well known mom bloggers out there, right now. As I read Heather Armstrong’s latest post about her recent separation from her husband, my heart broke (and more when I read Jon’s post as well). It broke because I consider Heather a friend, and your heart hurts when your friends hurt. But mostly it broke because she is going to be a public spectacle about a very private matter, and many will say cruel, awful things about it, just like they did to her and to her and to her.

Bloggers are storytellers. Many of us tell the story of our lives as they happen; the births, the deaths, the joys, the losses, the lay offs, and the heartbreaks. Sometimes those stories are hard to tell, and hurt in reality and in the telling. But while elements of the blogosphere can be cruel, it can also be immensely sustaining. If my marriage went south, I know that blogging would be part of how I stayed sane in the process (barring, of course, the legal restrictions that are often part of blogging through divorce).

I wish those members of the blogosphere, particularly Heather and Jon, peace and kindness in a time of high stress. My thoughts are with them, and my deep wish is that the blogosphere buoys them up rather than tears them down. This is a time where we can show the greatness of this community.

Editors’ Note: Please note that unkind comments will not be tolerated on this post, and that – because of the very sensitive and personal nature of the subject at hand – we will err on the side of heavyhandedness in comment moderation.

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About cecilyk

cecilyk

cecilyk

Cecily Kellogg writes all over the web, including here at Babble for Voices and Tech. She neglects her own blog, Uppercase Woman. Read bio and latest posts → Read Cecily's latest posts →

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0 thoughts on “Blogging Through Divorce and Separation

  1. Gena Morris says:

    Cecily what a great article. I’m thinking of anyone that is going through this during this time. Especially for Heather and Jon.

  2. Elizabeth says:

    So sad. Having home through something painful on new years, I can empathize. I want/ed to leave, but decided I will work on myself and pray it changes something. I’m still emotional but getting better. My heart and prayers go out to all of them, especially Marlo.

  3. Becca Bernstein says:

    This is sad. But you wrote about it with such candid devotion. I wish them both the best of luck and hope I never understand what they’re going through.

  4. Robin Plemmons says:

    I SHALL BUOY.

  5. Pauline Gaines says:

    Ooookay, now I get it. Many “dooce divorce” search engine referrals to my site today. I wish her and her family well.

  6. Laura Lohr | My Beautiful Life says:

    I, too, wish Heather and Jon peace and space to work this personal matter out themselves. It is a shame people have to be such asshats, enjoying the failures and pain others.

  7. Alana says:

    Excellent article. I think people forget that no one HAS to share their stories/lives on the internet. We also don’t HAVE to read it. So if we choose to read it, we should be thankful that they have allowed us to, and be nothing but supportive.

  8. rajean says:

    “my deep wish is that the blogosphere buoys them up rather than tears them down.” Cecily, mine too. Most excellently stated. What they and so many others go through on a daily basis is hard enough without haters.

  9. Julie says:

    You know, dooce & Jon and the other bloggers you linked to are being/have been so ubelievably *adult* about their situations, it’s a real shame that the internet can’t give the same in return.

    Having survived a separation and divorce in a “private” way, I wish them all the best and hope they continue to feel good about sharing or not sharing whatever the hell they want to.

  10. Candice says:

    I know it’s so naive, but it never occurred to me that people would be mean and say hateful things after someone shares news like this. That just sucks. People who do that suck as people.

  11. Meaghan says:

    “It broke because I consider Heather a friend, and your heart hurts when your friends hurt. But mostly it broke because she is going to be a public spectacle about a very private matter.”

    I mean this sincerely, but if you consider yourself a friend why are you blogging about this? Seems very very tacky and non-friend-like.

    1. cecilyk says:

      Meaghan, it’s a good question. MomCrunch asked me to, and I knew someone here at Babble would do it. If it was me, I’d hoped I could do it as kindly as possible.

  12. Cyd says:

    The timing of this post is really appropriate in my world, as I’m a blogger myself going through a divorce, too. While I may not have the reach of someone like Heather, as a blogger in the wedding community especially it was really tough to open up to my readers about where I’m at in my personal life. I can tell you that the love, support and understanding of my readers and the extended blogging community has been a tremendous help in making it through this time and my hope is that Heather and Jon can both find that same comfort and peace as they struggle through this difficult time.

  13. Shannon says:

    Did Babble also ask you specifically to link to Aunt Becky who has never officially announced the status of her marriage? I know you pride yourself on being a boundary-free ”naked” blogger but that doesn’t give you the right to strip other people of their privacy. No, not even for a paying gig. Not every story is yours to tell.

  14. Melinda says:

    “Not every story is yours to tell.” EXACTLY. 100% agree with Shannon!

  15. Aunt Becky says:

    Honestly, I was happy to see myself listed. I’m not “out” as loudly because it’s still one of those privacy things. I’m not going to write about it on my blog, which hurts me tremendously, because that is my support system. But I am comfortable with others talking about it, whether or not I am able to.

    I love you guys and I love this story. Times are hard. They will get better. They must.

  16. Tricia says:

    It is so awful to think that people could say cruel unhelpful things to bloggers who have chosen to share their difficult times. Hopefully the kindness and support people find here on the internet will make up for the assholes.

  17. Sarah says:

    I am also a blogger (special needs/autism/parenting) going through a very acrimonious divorce and have chosen not to write about it on my blog. I wish I could though, as writing has been my savior these last two years. But my soon to be ex not only stalks the places I write, he has already threatened me with legal action over my blog, so I have had to stay quiet.

    As much as I would have liked to have been able to blog through it all though, I also think it might be for the best that I haven’t, as I have seen enough people torn apart by cruelty on the internet that I don’t think I could have withstood any more nastiness in a situation that is/was already awful.

    I wish Heather and Jon peace and strength as they navigate through this, she was one of the first bloggers I ever followed and I am heartbroken for her and her family.

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