Do Work-at-Home Moms Have it All? Hardly.
Some women have it all. The ones who don't wonder where the ones who do put it.
A Facebook friend shared a link the other night to a blog post that made me shudder. It wasn’t written by me, but it might as well have been.
In a post entitled “The Wake-Up Call,” dad Henry Blodget writes about chatting amiably with his 6-year-old daughter in the car about their made-up “native-American names.” She declared hers to be, “Eliza Who Says She Is A Vegetarian Until Mommy Makes Bacon,” and his, “Daddy Who is Boring.”
“Like any connected individual these days, I work everywhere, all the time,” he says. “And it turns out, of course, that when I’m working, even when I am physically there–See? Daddy Who Doesn’t Work All The Time!–I’m not mentally there. I’m mentally at work . . . [and] it turns out that, if I have to work, it would actually be better for me to work somewhere else, so I won’t be “Daddy Who Seems To Be Here But Actually Isn’t. Because that Daddy, it turns out, is boring.”
As I write this, my 2-year-old daughter is planted in front of a “Dora the Explorer” marathon. She’s content enough to admonish Swiper while simultaneously playing with her blocks, but her first choice this morning was to go outside and work on the snowman and snowbabies she and my husband crafted a few weeks ago.
“Mommy’s working,” I tell her gently. “Maybe later.”
But later is lunch, nap and while she’s sleeping, a babysitter will slip in so I can slip out to work on a story. When she wakes up from her nap, I’ll still be writing, and she’ll inevitably compete with the computer for my lap. Sadly, the MacBook and my deadline will trump her pleas for me to help perfect the tower she started building with the blocks this morning. It’s not that I don’t want to play with her, but like Blodget, it’s that I have to work.
She’ll get outside in the snow, but not until tomorrow, at which time our babysitter will arrive before naptime to ensure she does something other than sit in front of the TV or look at me and wonder why it seems I’d rather stare at a computer screen than her.
I thought I was doing us both a favor before she was born and decided I’d do anything necessary to keep her out of daycare and with me at all times while still furthering my career (besides the fact that I have to work). I know endless studies say kids thrive in daycare, but I knew I couldn’t survive it. I’m sure it’s selfish, but believe me, I’m far from perfect.
The first six months to a year after she was born were relatively painless (minus the struggles with former co-workers whose jealousy and bitterness oozed out of their pores due to my non-linear work schedule, even though, as it turned out, I ended up working more than when I was full time). But the issue has been glaring in the past year. And to make matters worse, my husband usually has to come home from work and do more work, so even though our daughter brightens like the North Star when he walks in the front door, his presence isn’t the bright spot in her evening that we all wish it were. Not only does she not have two fun parents, on many nights we both barely make up one.
It’s not all dismal, of course. We cuddle, giggle, read books, go to music, gym, dance and the library every week. We tried parent/tot skating lessons last week, but future lessons are on hold until she bawls less on the ice. We go on playdates, for walks and I’m her hero when we make it out to lunch for pizza. I’m always right there when she pokes herself in the eye or when she’s happy, she knows it and she wants us both to clap our hands.
But I sink in bed most nights feeling guilty and wondering how to pack more work into less time so I can carve out more time for her without my Blackberry or computer. I’m not incredibly optimistic a solution will present itself before she starts preschool next year, and yet, even though our time spent together wouldn’t pass the highest quality tests, I still think the quantity is serving us both well and will continue to do so in the long run.
Is quantity ever better than quality when it comes to spending time with your children?
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Quality always trumps quantity. If you are spending oodles of time with your child, but are unhappy about it or its strained then it makes the things you do together unhappy and strained, even if it is something simple like building blocks. And quality does not mean money or going out to do something special either, it can always be something as simple as reading her favorite book to her with different voices for each character, or even taking a nap together all snuggled up (cause us adults LOVE our nap time probably more then the kids:) ). If this kind of arrangement works for you and your family and your daughter is a happy well adjusted 2 year old, then there isn’t anything wrong with it. Every working parent feels guilt for not spending as much time as they would like with their kids, I just think its harder for parents who work at home sometimes.
ITA 100% w/ ALITTLESHORT’s comment.
I have to say I’m in almost the same boat you’re in. Raising three young boys (2 with autism) and trying to get a new company up and running. I feel like I am blessed to have a job where I can be home with my boys… but then there are also no boundaries. Yes my kids watch too much TV… yes there are times when a deadline comes before wrestling or reading books… but honestly kids are resilient. I know what they will remember when they are older is that when they needed me I was always there… not always as a play date or a fun mom… but as a mom who worked hard to provide the best world possible for them. Anyway, hang in there sister! I really think we are blessed and our sacrifice will be rewarded when our kids are older.
Reconsider daycare. Really. If she’s unhappy there, then you can take her out, but at least step out of your comfort zone and try it. How can that be worse than her watching TV? Or hire the babysitter for more hours and then force yourself to only work during those hours and naptime.
I work from home a few days a week and my son goes to daycare a few days a week. I always feel bad when I am working from home and he’s bored b/c I am busy. Luckily I can get most of my work done when he is napping. But I know he enjoys daycare and seeing his teachers and friends. I think daycare gets a bad rap, my son has learned a lot and is well taken care of. It is expensive, but it’s worth it!
Wow, Lindsday, you just made me feel a lot better. Thank you!
@Beth & @Beccav, I think my daughter would love daycare because she’s such a social butterfly, but like I said, it’s ME who doesn’t want her in there. It’s not rational, but I feel like we’ve made it this far and she’ll start preschool in June or September, so I just have to juggle for a few more months.
I agree with others about reconsidering daycare. I know every kid is different, but I know there is no way I’d be able to work at home while my son was there. I guess I am wondering what it is about daycare that you object to? If it is the cost, I can totally understand.
I have started to do a little work at home, but I do it while he is in preschool. I know I am fortunate that I didn’t have to work during those first 3 years. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had to work and couldn’t afford daycare or a babysitter.
Thanks for your comment, Laure68. Keeping my daughter out of daycare has been an emotional decision, not a financial one. I just didn’t want her to spend her first few years being one of many — I wanted her to be the one and only. I know people will argue their kids thrive in daycare and I’m sure mine would, too, but I just wanted to give her as much time with me as possible. It’s just unfortunate that the quality of our time is somewhat diluted.
But she’s not your one and only. You’re dividing your time between her and the million other things you need to do, which is different and arguably less effective than a teacher dividing her time between many children she’s guiding in activities and lessons. I understand the emotion, but if you think she would thrive in daycare I don’t understand putting an admittedly emotional decision about what YOU want above what is best for your kid. I think it’s really hard to successfully argue that watching TV in the next room to mom is in anyway way superior to doing a craft project or running around a playground with other kids while a teacher watches. Still, it seems like your mind is made up about this, which leads me to question why you posted this? So we could affirm your choices? I mean, at the end of the day, it’s your family and your choices, and it has no effect on my life, so you know… you ultimately know what is best.
I think your absolutely doin the best you can and I applaud you for not awning her to daycare. As a previous daycare worked I would argue that yes tv in the next room at her age is just a good for her at daycare. You still know what she’s doing, what she is being exposed to and are there if she needs you.
Thanks for your honest assessment, @Ann05. And thanks for your comment as well, @Amber. I wish there were an easy answer, but I can say she is an exceptionally happy child, which, to me, is one of the most important things.
i could have written this very thing. my almost two year old fights for my lap as well, but she’s with *me,* her mom. by keeping her little impressionable self out of daycare *i* have the most influence on her, not a daycare worker. quality is of utmost importance, but it’s not fair to wave quantity out the window because it *does* matter.
just because a child is getting her physical needs met-diaper change (likely not as fast as a mom would get to it) etc. does not mean a child is getting their emotional needs met. and while you & i are both hen pecking away at the computer, we also sense our children’s needs (because we’re the mommy!) & know when it’s necessary to break for them.
i think the mom who finds a way to make it work-so they are able to keep their children home with them as opposed to in daycare is the same mom that beats herself up when she isn’t able to devote 100% to her child. all that to say, she’s home with you…you put her down for a nap & help feed her exactly what you want her to eat. you do do fun activities together; cut yourself some slack.
i don’t buy in to all the give daycare a chance or second consideration. not for a second. i’m not judging a woman who chooses daycare for her child when it’s the only way, but it is *my* choice to mommy my own child.
you should for sure pick up a copy of dr. laura’s in praise of stay at home moms. i’m linking you to the cd, because us work at home moms don’t have much time to read ;o) http://www.amazon.com/Praise-Stay-at-Home-Moms-CD/dp/B0048BPFDE/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1292564681&sr=1-2
hugs to you!!
Here’s the thing—-i admire what you are doing. It’s not easy… I also work form 3 days a week AND my son goes to day care. But I’m one of those people who believes tv is really really bad for kids. really bad. WE don’t own one and when/if he does watch something online, I have about a 10 min maximum rule. (my husband is a different story and when he lets my son watch a lot of videos, i just see that glazed, denergized look starting…)
My son is 21 months old, goes to daycare from about 8:30 to 3:30 every day (which he absolutely loves and I know he is engaged in very productive activity there)…but when he comes home at 3;30—i am all his. We spend a few hours playing together and then we do bed and bathtime together. I stopped feeling guilty about it…b/c I saw that when he was home with me all day for whatever reason..it was a constant struggle and I did end up ignoring him and hurting his feelings b/c/ I had to get something done. And I don’t spend a penny on outside activities…we can play with his toys, make up games, color and and bake cookies at home! (plus, he is already outside the house for a good part of the day)
I”m only saying the following because you asked, not because I am in any way passing judgement…study after study has shown it is QUALITY not QUANTITY that matters. The NYTIMES and the WSJ ran some articles on this recently
I think you will see a big difference when she starts pre-school (In your pyche, not hers)….and the fact that she is exceptionally happy (as is my son)…just means that despite what ppl say, we aren’t ruining our kids or causing some sort of long term damage.We are just working parents who are the best we can.
Just to follow up on the commetn from the former day care worker…I think it really depends on the day care. I don’t live in the states anymore…and where i live it is pretty standard to have the kids out of the house by 1 so there are a lot of excellent options. My son”s “day care”..the translation here is “little kindergarten” is down the street, has wonderfully loving women and nobody would ever think of putting on a tv there–ever. But i know the quality at these places can vary to the extreme….and although I miss a lot about america…the day care options there aren’t one of them….so i can also understand the reluctance/fear to put your kid into the unknown.
-LG
Can you work late at night after she’s asleep? I still think your situation is preferable to full day daycare for kids under 3…
I would just be careful to balance the TV time and make sure she is playing alot and not just staring at the TV, etc…what you describe sounds alot like my life except mine goes to preschool part time and I don’t usually feel guilty about our schedules…I also work alot late into the night.
I would add that this may be fine for part-time working, but I would think that if you’re actually logging full-time hours, it could be a whole lot trickier and damn near impossible without reliance on childcare, whether it be a nanny or daycare….
Thanks, Gretchen. I do also work after she goes to bed at night. It’s hard for me to define if I work full or part time because I’m a freelance writer, so I work mostly project-by-project, and only some of my assignments are regular. We do have a babysitter a few days a week, and like I said, we also have regular activities, so I’m basically cramming work in whenever I can. “Tricky” and “damn near impossible” are good ways to describe it, but somehow it’s working, just with more TV than I’d like (although it’s not like she’s in front of it all day).
I agree about daycare. My 2.5 year old is thriving there – I work from home, too and I feel MUCH better knowing she’s off playing with other kids for a few hours a day that the alternatives at home. We’re both happier people. My 7 month old is at home with me, but I’m soon bringing in a nanny to help for a few hours every day (she’ll start at daycare when she’s older).
yeah, I hear you on the TV…I am a BIG fan of Dora and Diego and I know it sounds cliche, but my kid has really learned alot from these shows…and, they don’t have mean spiritedness or mischief the kid will pick up on (even the Bobos and Swiper are sooo innocuos) other “good” TV…Curious George, Martha Speaks…OK, so you can see I am not anti-TV at all : )
I’ve never understood the argument that tv and divided attention are better than high quality daycare. Especially given all the studies about the downsides to too much tv. My husband works at home as a freelancer, but we still have our son in daycare – the fact that my husband is home means that someone’s there if daycare is closed or my son is sick, he can take the time to volunteer at the daycare when he’s got a slow week or no current assignments, etc., it gives us lots of flexibility, but we can see that my son benefits greatly from having the stimulation, interaction and attention of both the other kids as well as the terrific and loving DCPs. He’s not just “one of many” there – he’s a loved and integral part of his group, the teachers adore him, he loves his friends, and when he’s home, we can turn off our devices and give him undivided attention and he doesn’t get overloaded with TV.
@Gretchen — I agree. My daughter also loves Barney (although thankfully she’s branching out a bit more these days) and has learned so many songs that she sings when she’s not watching TV, too. It’s really adorable. (And for the naysayers, I’ve also taught her dozens of songs, and she’s learned a bunch in music class, too.)
@Ariel — I know there are benefits to daycare. Like I said, I’m not perfect, but it’s a choice I made to keep her home with me until she starts preschool. It’s just a struggle and I question my decision often, but for the moment, it’s what it is.
Thanks for your comments, LG and Anne.
@Lindey