The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 1 of 6
1: THIS SEASON'S "IT" BAG
Twice a year, magazine editors anoint a new It bag. The process is similar to the election of a new Pope — except in this case, there are cigarette breaks and the frequent use of the word, "ah-may-zing." I happen to have it on good authority that this season's It bag will be an oversized clutch made out of python skin, ostrich feathers and unicorn hide. I plan to buy two for myself: one to actually use and one to sleep on in lieu of a pillow. Sure, it means that one or two of my children may not end up going to college. But, what's so special about a college education anyway? You can't see a college education. You can't wear one either.
The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 2 of 6
2: THIS SEASON'S "IT" NAILS
Is there anyone alive who wasnt transfixed by Kate Middletons manicure during her wedding? No, I didnt think so. Since I first saw her short, nude-colored nails, Ive thought of little else. And, Ive asked anyone who will listen, How will her color choice influence the nail polish industry and international trade in general? Several magazines reported that The Duchess of Cambridges manicurist actually mixed soft pink and nude polishes. (Ah ha!) I invite you all to join me by wearing pinkish-nude polish for fall. Whatever you do, dont try to skip the polish and just wear bare nails. A nail without polish might appear nude to the untrained eye but it is not the right nude. I dont care how much youre washing your hands after changing dirty diapers either. Fashion stops for no one and nothing not even poop.
The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 3 of 6
3: THIS SEASON'S "IT" HEMLINE
Red states. Blue states. I think we can all agree on the importance of proper hemlines. The appropriate hemline for fall is mid-calf length. The midi (yes, some hemlines are important enough to have their own names) must hit the leg smack-dab in the middle of your calf. Sure, this is universally unflattering on everyone. The hemline makes even slim Victoria Beckham look like she has cankles. But this is whats hot in fashion. To avoid accidentally wearing last years hemline, I plan to burn all of my old clothes. I know some people might insist that it would be better to donate these clothes to others. But why should those who are less fortunate be forced to parade around in the wrong hemline, either?
The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 4 of 6
4: THIS SEASON'S "IT" SHOES
The models at one designers Paris show wore what looked like black bowling shoes glued upon wooden platforms. If youre assuming that what sounds like an unbelievably unattractive shoe was, at the very least, comfortable youve guessed wrong. According to the Associated Press, The models were turning back only halfway down the runway, in a bid to save their battered feet. If these highly-paid professionals couldnt navigate those teetering towers of impracticality, you can imagine how hard it will be for me to handle preschool pickup while wearing them. But, of course, Im up for the challenge. As I like to say, Fashion first. Kids second. (And sneezing baby pandas third.)
The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 5 of 6
5: THIS SEASON'S "IT" ADVERTISING
Because the world has evidently run out of beautiful women, two of the biggest fashion campaigns for fall feature young girls. Hailee Steinfeld, the 14-year-old star of True Grit, is Miu Mius muse; Elle Fanning, Dakotas 13-year-old younger sister, is the face of Marc by Marc Jacobs. Try as I might to look thirteen again in order to follow what is sure to be falls biggest fashion trend of all, Im having a hard time pulling off the socks-with-Mary-Janes look. DailyBotox injections arent cutting it anymore. Because I need to look younger fast, Ive decided to get braces. Again.
The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall 6 of 6