The Fashionista Mom’s Guide to Fall

THIS SEASON'S "IT" BAG

Twice a year, magazine editors anoint a new It bag.  The process is similar to the election of a new Pope — except in this case, there are cigarette breaks and the frequent use of the word, “ah-may-zing.” I happen to have it on good authority that this season’s It bag will be an oversized clutch made out of python skin, ostrich feathers and unicorn hide. I plan to buy two for myself: one to actually use and one to sleep on in lieu of a pillow. Sure, it means that one or two of my children may not end up going to college. But, what’s so special about a college education anyway? You can’t see a college education. You can’t wear one either.

THIS SEASON'S "IT" NAILS

Is there anyone alive who wasn’t transfixed by Kate Middleton’s manicure during her wedding? No, I didn’t think so. Since I first saw her short, nude-colored nails, I’ve thought of little else. And, I’ve asked anyone who will listen, “How will her color choice influence the nail polish industry and international trade in general?” Several magazines reported that The Duchess of Cambridge’s manicurist actually mixed soft pink and nude polishes. (Ah ha!)  I invite you all to join me by wearing pinkish-nude polish for fall. Whatever you do, don’t try to skip the polish and just wear bare nails.  A nail without polish might appear nude to the untrained eye but it is not the “right” nude. I don’t care how much you’re washing your hands after changing dirty diapers either. Fashion stops for no one and nothing … not even poop.

THIS SEASON'S "IT" HEMLINE

Red states. Blue states. I think we can all agree on the importance of proper hemlines.  The appropriate hemline for fall is mid-calf length. The midi (yes, some hemlines are important enough to have their own names) must hit the leg smack-dab in the middle of your calf. Sure, this is universally unflattering on everyone. The hemline makes even slim Victoria Beckham look like she has cankles. But this is what’s hot in fashion. To avoid accidentally wearing last year’s hemline, I plan to burn all of my old clothes. I know some people might insist that it would be better to donate these clothes to others. But why should those who are less fortunate be forced to parade around in the wrong hemline, either?

THIS SEASON'S "IT" SHOES

The models at one designer’s Paris show wore what looked like black bowling shoes glued upon wooden platforms. If you’re assuming that what sounds like an unbelievably unattractive shoe was, at the very least, comfortable… you’ve guessed wrong. According to the Associated Press, “…The models were turning back only halfway down the runway, in a bid to save their battered feet.” If these highly-paid professionals couldn’t navigate those teetering towers of impracticality, you can imagine how hard it will be for me to handle preschool pickup while wearing them. But, of course, I’m up for the challenge. As I like to say, “Fashion first. Kids second. (And sneezing baby pandas third.)”

THIS SEASON'S "IT" ADVERTISING

Because the world has evidently run out of beautiful women, two of the biggest fashion campaigns for fall feature young girls. Hailee Steinfeld, the 14-year-old star of True Grit, is Miu Miu’s muse; Elle Fanning, Dakota’s 13-year-old younger sister, is the face of Marc by Marc Jacobs. Try as I might to look thirteen again in order to follow what is sure to be fall’s biggest fashion trend of all, I’m having a hard time pulling off the socks-with-Mary-Janes look. DailyBotox injections aren’t cutting it anymore. Because I need to look younger fast, I’ve decided to get braces. Again.