Family Therapist Argues Kids Should Have More Say In Custody Arrangements
Even kids as young as 7 should have a say in their custody arrangements.
I just came upon this great opinion piece in the Times by Ruth Bettelheim, a marriage and family therapist who argues that children as young as 7 years old should have more of a say in their custody and visitation arrangements post-divorce. Regular readers know I’ve been divorced since my daughter was 3 (a year before I started writing here at Babble), but I’ve been pretty mum about the sorts of goings on I’ve experienced in Family Court trying to come up with a co-parenting arrangement that makes sense for my daughter.
My daughter’s father lives quite far away, and even though she’s only 6, she’s expressed multiple times what a burden traveling to see her dad is. Yet when her father and I finally settled on a travel arrangement a few months ago, my daughter was given no say in the matter by the court, nor was she appointed a child advocate lawyer. Bettelheim argues, “Rendering children voiceless and powerless to meet their own changing needs, or burdening them with guilt if they try to do so, is in no one’s best interest. It either creates hardship for children who grin and bear it or instigates a string of provocative and damaging behaviors in those who embark on increasingly desperate attempts to make someone notice that something is wrong.” I couldn’t agree more.
She says:
Once children have reached the age of reason — generally agreed to be about 7 — they should be recognized as the ultimate experts on their own lives. We all resent it when others say that they know better than we do how we feel and what is good for us. Nevertheless, we subject children to this when we call in experts to evaluate their lives over a period of days or weeks, as part of the custody process, instead of just listening to them.
Bettelheim further suggests that “all parenting plans should be subjected to mandatory binding review every two years. The review should include a forum for children to speak privately with a mediation-trained lawyer.” That makes good sense to me. It seems entirely unfair in custody hearings that a room full of adults – including one very powerful one who has never and will never meet the child in question – can make decisions for the child without his or her input. I’m all for my daughter having an in-person relationship with her dad, but not one that taxes her beyond reason. In our situation, my daughter has expressed to me and her dad that she wishes he would travel to her more, but who knows how old she’ll be before she’ll get to express that opinion to someone who can actually make her opinion matter.
I don’t even feel like I can use my name on this post due to ongoing battles my sister has had with her daughter’s father. But I will say that in her case, my niece certainly should have a say in what happens in regards to custody. Too paranoid to write anything on a public forum, so I can’t be specific. I don’t want to cause further problems for my sister or my niece.
As one whose parents split when I was 3, like Carolyn’s daughter, I pretty much could decide for myself which of the parents I wanted to be with at any given time. Fortunately, we all lived in the same town the entire time or within 30 miles of each other. Children should have more say in these situations. Otherwise, they will grow up to be resentful of their childhood and dislike for the parents who refused to honor their wishes
This, however, did not make my childhood any more enjoyable. My parents’ divorce made my life far more difficult than it should have been.
This presumes that both parents are equally fit.
I agree with @Littlefrogs. My husband and I separated a year ago. My DD was just over 2 at the time. He hasn’t seen her since. Does that make a good dad? I think not.
My kids decided when they were teenagers they wanted to live with me most of the time. That worked out for the best. Before that they switched every week and it was too much for them they said.
In any difficult situation, parents should listen to their children and help them work through challenges. There’s a benefit of having equal time and influence from each parent, neither of whom are ever perfect, and a divorce shouldn’t be an opportunity for a child to pick favorites. Parents living close by and being a part of the same community, especially while kids are young, can make life easier, less bumpy, but sometimes it’s not possible. If a child has to travel to see the other, parental nurturing and understanding are more important than giving a child a chance to “opt out.” I disagree that a 7-year-old can comprehend the long-term effects of choosing one parent over another. “Taxing beyond reason” is rarely the reality in a visitation schedule and it’s almost always an argument against the dad. Having a parent see the child in his/her hometown should be part of the schedule but there should be enough time in the other household to foster the child’s sense of belonging in that home/community. And it’s often cost-prohibitive to pay for air/car/hotel to see your kid, especially if you’re remarried with other children. Divorce is usually (not always) horrible for kids, but most parents know that by now and should prepare to help their children cope in a healthy way instead of trying to minimize the other parent’s role/involvement.
not sure about the age, but it does seem that children should have input. my kids dad is an abuser, and they are STILL required to go with him every 2 weeks. they hate him, do not see the courts or the police as a resource and think CPS is a joke. being forced to go with your abuser is so outrageous to me. my attorney, who was great, didn’t understand why i was so upset at the custody order. she kiept saying, “you won. i’ve never seen anyone get so little custodial time”. i told her, “well now, i get to go home and say, “mommy won! you only have to see your abuser 4 days a month! YAY!” why do they have to see him AT ALL??” the court thinks all parents are created equal, and treat children like property. its not “dad’s weekend” or “mom’s weekend”; its the KIDS weekend. the court system in this country is broken.
I agree with LittleFrog’s comment. Yes, this is assuming both parents are equally fit. When you have one parent who is obviously mentally ill and will sabotage any interaction between the child and the other parent, it becomes a case of what is best for the child. If said child is basically interrogated after every visit, encouraged to be disrespectful and downright rude to the noncustodial parent and, in short, used in mental warfare, why do the courts not take that into account? Just because someone is physically able to reproduce, they are not automatically bestowed with common sense and the maturity to parent effectively. Cockroaches reproduce too.
Does this also count for young children who don’t want to go? I have to tell my 6 year old every other weekend that because the law says she has to go, that’s why. She crys because she doesn’t want to goo and she wants to stay with mommy. She doesn’t even ask about hey dad for the time she is with me. My 3 year old had started to follow suit. There is nothing I can do, and I want them to see him because I know what it is like to be kept from a parent for no reason. I don’t want them to be mad at me. But I do feel that if nothing bad is happening (we have checked) they are too young to make that decision. But that’s just me.
Wow…I am a Ph.D. child psychologist, and I have worked in a variety of custody cases, and this thinking totally dismisses how easy it is to start alienation tactics and how child development is. A 7 year old still believes in Santa. A child has not even begun to understand hypothetical situations until around the age of 13 (“If I move in with dad, it will be like…”–they truly have no idea and can be easily molded by a manipulative parent). The therapist clearly does not understand developmental psychology (even the textbooks talk about how a 12-14 year old idealize noncustodial parents–even those who are on drugs). I worked in a therapeutic foster home where the kids were removed due to abuse–most of these middle school and high school aged children wanted to move back in with their abusive parents. Fortunately, the state did not allow them to have a say.
If a child is working with a therapist trained in developmental psychology who also understands how parental alienation works, then maybe their voice can be understood better. I have had to deal with too much psychological collateral damage from having the kids have the deciding power at 12 to ever believe it is a good thing.
I totally agree with this. My son is almost 7. His father and I were never married but since he was two, we’ve been in almost constant court battles over visitation. He’s never fought me for custody because he knows he won’t get it but I’ve tried over and over again to have his visitation at least reduced. He is a horrible man and a very unfit father. My husband, however, has raised my son as his own since we married when my son was 18 months old. But he gets no rights. No Father’s Days EVER. But my son calls my husband Daddy and has expressed to us several times that he does not want to have anything to do with his biological dad. I think the courts should listen to him. It’s HIS life after all, so why shouldn’t he get a say. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to choose who he wants to be his dad? He’s made his choice very clear to us. And before you ask, yes I have looked at this from the other side. But the difference is I am a good parent. I don’t do drugs, drink to the point of blackout every night, leave my child alone to fall ASLEEP IN THE TUB!, leave him to fend for himself and feed himself, let him ride in a car without a safety seat, or let him play with a 40 gallon fish tank and almost pull it over on himself. All of these things my ex has done. Some recently yet I am powerless to put a stop to this behavior or the visitation. So I wish that he would be allowed a choice and a voice in the whole situation. He’d be much happier.
I have been saying this for a couple of years! My 9.5 yo grandson is in this situation! His dad makes him come stay the entire 40 days with him in the summer even though he isn’t even at home with him most of those 40 days because he works out of town. My grandson has to spend most of the summer at a babysitters house or with my ex son in laws current wife that has only been around him for a couple of years!!! It’s obvious my ex son in law does it to spite my daughter and in no way has my grandsons best interest at heart!!! My grandson is VERY good at baseball and shows to have a promising future with baseball and would like to play on a summer league and go to baseball camps, but because my ex son in law decided to have an affair with drugs 7 years ago, my grandson and daughter have to be the ones to suffer even after he broke their heart from choosing drugs over them! So yes, I think we should all send this article to our state congressmen and demand that laws be changed regarding children’s lives from divorce!!!!!!!