Okay, the truth is I don’t really care about Royal Scandals, Royal Weddings, or Royal Babies. My parents are British and I still just can’t muster up the energy to care. Unless there are hats involved. Basically anything good that the British Royals do involves super tricked-out tiny hats called fascinators and they are my favorite.
No one truly knows why they’re called fascinators.* Some theories on the origin of the name are:
- They make you stare at people’s heads in fascination, wonderment, and a deluge of giggles.
- You know how British people spell color as “colour”? Yeah. Fascinator is an alternate spelling of fastened to your head with duct tape and/or staple guns.
- They adhere to your brain and turn you into a Schwarzenegger-esque cyborg assassin sent back in time to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor.
As you can imagine, it’s something that no Royal Baby should be without. In fact, I’d be surprised if Pippa didn’t already throw Duchess Kate an entirely fascinator-themed baby shower, in which the baby received thirty-score fascinators and they were also given out as party favors. Fascinators for everyone!
But just in case the Royals dropped the ball on this one, I have some suggestions for fabulous fascinators the Royal Baby could wear. Sure, it’ll be more socially acceptable if the baby is a girl, but I’d like to think that Kate and Wills will be open-minded and raise their kid without stereotypical notions of gender.
Whether you’re about to have the next heir to the throne, or just a regular, you know…common baby, fascinators are all the rage as photo props. The thing is, if you’re going to stick a crazy little thing on your baby’s head, you really should go as over-the-top as possible. I mean, commit. If your baby doesn’t look vaguely like Carmen Miranda in your next Christmas card, you have failed.
Plus, I don’t think fascinators should be relegated to just being photo props. What the heck, let your baby wear it all the time. There’s nothing I love more than seeing a toddler proudly wearing an outfit she put together herself. Sure, she’s wearing a tutu, rain boots, a Darth Vader t-shirt, and a big ol’ fancy thing on her head, but I DO IT MYSELF, MAMA.
*I’m sure someone knows, I just can’t be bothered to Google it.
**Actually I just Googled it, and in the process, discovered that there’s an entirely separate entity called a hatinator. ZOMG. The mind wobbles.
Check out my picks below for a dozen fascinators that would be perfect for the Royal Baby!
Wonderfully, Fabulously Over the Top 1 of 13
Click the arrows for 12 over-the-top tiny toppers.
For High Tea. 2 of 13
Because no one will notice how many crumpets with clotted cream you've scarfed down.
(Custom from Amarmi, $42)
For a more casual look. 3 of 13
This understated fascinator is perfect for low-key affairs like birthday parties (non-royal), baptisms (not One's Own), and hiding from your eighteen nannies in the pachysandra.
(Available from Itsy Bitsy Spidey, $9.88)
The fascinator-and-diaper-cover set you’ll wear again and again. 4 of 13
There are just so many places the Royal Baby could wear this to! Literally any venue in Vegas, for example. Also, you never know when the Royal Baby will be called as a special guest judge for Toddlers & Tiaras.
(Fascinator and diaper cover set available from Itsy Bitsy Spidey, $39.51)
For playing bridge with the Queen and her friends. 5 of 13
If you're going to hang out with elegant ladies like the Queen, you should do everything you can to blend in. Even if it means wearing something that looks ever-so-slightly like a bedazzled, baby-sized toupee.
(Available from Supurrkitties Designs, $12.99)
For vintage clothes shopping. 6 of 13
This vintage-inspired look is perfect for 1920s-themed flapper parties, or any time you're poppin' tags at the thrift store looking for other vintage-inspired looks.
(Available from HappyBOWtique, $18.99)
At the races, obviously. 7 of 13
Also for frightening off intruders onto the property. Release the
(Sadly, this was a custom, one-of-a-kind piece, but you can find more fascinator fabulousness at Amarmi)
For knocking back sherry with Grandma Camilla. 8 of 13
Seriously, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall looks like she would be a way fun Grandma. Probably she won't slip some sherry in the baby's bottle. I mean, unless she's teething or something.
(Available at Bailynn's Boutique, $19.95)
For Halloween and/or the theatre. 9 of 13
Halloween? That's too obvious. I'm thinking we need to stage an all-baby version of MacBeth.
(Available from Babies by Hand, $23)
When lunching with other fashionista babies. 10 of 13
For having lunch with Posh Beckham's kids. Although, probably they wouldn't actually eat lunch. Maybe they'd just sort of push croutons around on their plates.
(Custom from Amarmi, $42)
For chasing butterflies in a spring meadow. 11 of 13
This fascinator is totally a decoy.
(Custom from Amarmi, $42)
For chasing butterflies…and WINNING. 12 of 13
Now, this is a look for when the Royal Baby is older, of course. Like, at least 15 months. Because you probably need some neck muscles to hold up a butterfly the size of Hedwig.
(Custom from Amarmi, $45)
For putting Royal Cousins in their place. 13 of 13
Even when you're just chillaxin' by the Windsor Castle
poolmoat, you want all the other babies to know their place (in the line of succession to the throne).
(Custom from Amamri, $52)
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