Fix This Pitch: "This App Helped Distract My Kids During A Traumatic Event!" No, I'm NOT KiddingCecily Kellogg
Here’s version one.
Good Monday to you!
I hope you had a great weekend!
Little story – This weekend I was driving with my kids in the car and my daughter loves to play this app when we go places. And without warning we were in car accident where the car smashed into the back of us.
Everyone was ok!! But the point of the story is that since she was playing with the app, it did not even bother here or scare here because she was so concentrating on it.
I wanted to see if you would be interested in checking out this great app that is helping keep the kids occupied in the car and not having the parents worry about the pieces falling!!
Please let me know if I can get you to test these for me!!
Um, wait, WHAT? That’s a hell of a “little story,” yo. Also, the “here” in the place of “her” is his typo, not mine.
I hope you had a great weekend!! Mine was not so good. I was in a car accident with my little ones with me, and I appreciate all the articles you write about safety and how to make sure your kids are safe in the car! Thank you!
On another note, I wanted to see if you ever do app round ups for the site? I would love to have the chance to show you some really great ones.
Thank you in advance for everything you do.
Look, I can almost buy the first one if this PR dude really DID get in an accident with his kids and the app distracted them from the trauma, hey, that IS pretty awesome. But… that might be a “mention in the second or third email” kind of thing.
But DAMN. Saying, “Poor me, my family was in an accident, can you feature our apps?” Just smacks of the worst kind of douche bag opportunism, and instead of garnering sympathy actually inspires doubt as in, I doubt there really was an accident.”
Probably not the intended goal, eh?
What do you think? Can we fix this pitch? I’m thinking it’s pretty much a goner.