Do French women drink wine and eat runny cheese while pregnant?
An expat fact-checks France's rep as a parenting paradise.
As an American mother of two, living in France, (thanks to a semester abroad which has ended up lasting fifteen years), I’m a source of great envy for my friends back in the U.S. They’ve bought into the notion that France is the perfect place to raise children, because they believe the following: You can drink wine when you’re pregnant. Childcare is free. Kids are fully integrated into adults’ social lives.
In other words, you can still do everything you used to do before kids, and you can spend balmy summer evenings at the local fete, financially unburdened, while you listen to the sound of children dancing in the village squares.
If everything they thought about France were true, parenting guidebooks would be one sentence long: “Marry the first Frenchman you meet.” Unfortunately, it’s a little more complicated. Here’s the truth behind those three big legends:
1. Wine and Cheese While Pregnant
For understandable reasons, one of the most popular myths about France is that French women eat runny cheese and drink wine during pregnancy. The truth is not all that far off. There are government campaigns here to get pregnant women to stop drinking alcohol and smoking, but they seem to be about as successful as the campaign to get Parisians to curb their dogs.
For plenty of French women, the notion of going without wine, cheese, cigarettes or caffeine for nine months is as crazy as saying a French man must go through forty years of marriage without taking a mistress.
One hot summer day when I was about eight months pregnant, I was having lunch with a friend in a cafe and dying for an ice cold Coke. But I saw another pregnant woman at a nearby table and worried that she might judge me for drinking caffeine. So I resisted – and she promptly pushed away her plate and lit up a cigarette.
During both of my pregnancies here, I was cautious but not fanatical about what I ate and drank. With my doctor’s approval, I had the odd glass of wine and an occasional espresso, and sometimes the cheese course was just too enticing to pass up. I, like most French mothers I know, adopted a philosophy of moderation, seeing it as key for both mother’s and baby’s health and sanity.
In France, there isn’t the same puritanical disapproval that sometimes exists in the States, where over-zealous do-gooders cast disparaging glances and shout abuse at any pregnant mother they believe is acting in an un-motherly way. You might hear the odd tut now and then, but for the most part, pregnant women in France aren’t shrouded with a fear/shame/guilt complex.
2. Free Daycare
This myth sounds great, but isn’t exactly true. Government-subsidized childcare and healthcare is available for all, yes, but it’s not completely free. I always laugh when I hear new arrivals to the area talk about “interviewing” nurseries. Last year I paid around 80 Euros (approx $130) a month for my youngest to go to nursery school one full day and two afternoons a week. I know from talking to friends back home that this is considerably less than they pay. But there’s a downside: In my rural part of the country, day cares are few and far between. I always laugh when I hear new arrivals to the area talk about “interviewing” nurseries. In reality, you put your name down on the only waiting list and hope like hell your number gets called.
If you don’t have grandparents handy, the other childcare option is to employ a government-subsidized nanny. I struggled to find a nanny who found it financially attractive enough to take my girls part-time, but those that might have been interested had been booked long before I contacted them. I’ve now learned the secret. Most French mothers, just after their post-coital cigarette, sign their newly conceived offspring up for a place in the nearest nursery. Not because it’s a nursery of any particular renown, but because it’s the only nursery in a 50 km radius.
Of course, you don’t need day care for long in France, because children start school at the age of two and a half or three. They then stay in this pre-school until they start the obligatory school system at the age of five and a half or six. Both are, indeed, free.
This enables mothers to go back to work when their child is three without the continued worry of finding and paying for day care. When I told friends back home that my three-year-old had just started school, I was met with protestations that it was much too early. “How can they go to school in diapers?” my friend asked. Another difference: in France children are usually potty trained by two and a half.
3. Child-friendliness
I’m often struck when going back to the States how different the atmosphere feels at restaurants and weddings, where it seems an adult-only rule has been set and the presence of children discouraged. Child are omnipresent here, whether it’s in posh restaurants or dancing until the wee hours at parties. In France, it just isn’t a party unless there’s a gaggle of little ones running around, entertaining the adults and being over-fed and over-pinched by the elders.
Children are omnipresent here, whether it’s in posh restaurants or dancing until the wee hours at parties. Several times my husband and I have been scolded for getting a babysitter. “You must bring the kids!” is often included in an invitation, whether it’s for a house party, a meeting in a bar, or dinner out with friends. Children are included from the earliest ages in all parts of their family’s life, so they adapt quickly to social situations and know how they are expected to behave.
The French have a way of worshipping their children while maintaining a high level of discipline at the same time. I’m still working on this one; like mastering the innate French skill of looking chic in jeans and sneakers, I, too, hope to one day master the skill of indulging and scolding my children with equal elegance.
You didn’t do a very good job of disabusing me of my “mythical” notions that France is a childrearing paradise. Maybe I had a few technical details wrong, but overall, it sounds divine — especially the part about kids being allowed to attend parties.
Sounds awesome. When is the next flight?
I think it’s hilarious that 74% of the people who took the survey said that France is a better country to raise children. How many of these people have actually been to France?
I love the idea that the French include children into social “events.” I would love taking my son out with us more if I didn’t feel relegated to Chuck E Cheese, etc. This give me hope, though. If the French can do it, why can’t I?
Very cool – I too am about to jump on an airplane. About social events or even fine(r) restaurants (i.e. not fast food) – I have always thought that if one raises kids to know how to deal with social situations (manners, low voice, eat interesting/exotic foods without gagging) then one will – in theory – be rewarded with children who behave well at weddings and in lovely eating establishments. The problem is that so often people assume the children are going to raise hell and either preempt by banning them or issue horribly mean looks that make a person lose their appetite. I love that the French have high expectations of their kids, yet treasure them. That seems like the perfect balance.
Not only is raising kids easier in Europe, they also have the best medical and school systems.
It sounds like the only thing wrong with France are the French. If it weren’t for them, I’d be on a plane in a heartbeat.
Agreed — who needs the myth when the reality is so heavenly? Sign me up! La France, c’est bon! (Les Francais, aussi!)
The author had better look up the meaning of “myth” because it seems that she doesn’t really she proved each one to be completely true! Childcare is free after 2 1/2 yrs (and virtually free before that), kids are welcome at social events, and women don’t follow gestapo rules during pregnancy (and the kids don’t turn out with 3 heads!). Sounds pretty much like paradise to me!
we get so much wrong in the U.S…here they expect babies to sleep on their own at 3 months, but at 3 years they still shit in their pants!we take our baby to parties and will continue to do so…viva France
What an utterly pointless poll question.And regarding the kid-friendliness of the US, I say simply this: we must be the change we want to see in the world.While I understand that Europe is, in many ways, more progressive than the United States I also have to roll my eyes every time some liberal elite parent (myself included) starts a sentence with “In Europe…” when talking about politics or culture.For those who think Europe sounds like a paradise I ask why they haven’t already move there?
We spent a semester in France a few years ago while my husband taught at a business school there. The French children we saw were always polite and well-behaved (as were the French dogs, which were everywhere, including the grocery stores). When we went down to Spain for a week, many of the children we saw there were much like many American children: noisy and raising hell. I never, ever saw that in France. OTOH, many of my husband’s students grilled him about how to get a job or how to start a company in the US, since their entrepreneurial prospects in France were pretty slim.
If France is so baby friendly, why don’t most restaurants have high chairs? And the ones that do, seem to have some sort of old fashioned death trap? Can babies sit on a chair on their own at a very young age or are they expected to stay put in their push chair? Please, please explain.I live in the UK and go out to eat at decent restaurants regularly with my children who are always welcomed and accommodated with a modern safe high chair. When in Paris with my then 12 month old daughter, I wound up having her in my lap at every meal because of lack of gear.Last summer we were on a road trip to Holland and it didn’t occur to me to bring a portable booster seat for my 10 month old (my fault!). When in Northern France & Belgium … almost no high chairs. We did find a casual pizza restaurant(very good food!) near our B&B that had a ‘high chair’ contraption where if the baby didn’t put his feet on the forward footrest, he’d fall straight out the bottom. Crazy!
I wouldn’t expect French restaurants to provide me with a modern high chair, any more than I would expect them to provide my tall and husband with a low and wide chair, or my short self with a tall chair. Or since I am pregnant and have a sore ass, perhaps they should provide me with a fluffy cushion, too. If things in other countries were exactly like home…. travel would be pretty boring.
Yes, but would you expect a chair to sit in.How do the French dine with their babies and toddlers? Seriously, I’d like to know the logistics. Do they have the small child on their lap or in the push chair?
My theory about absence of high chairs? People hold babies on their laps or pass the baby around and share the child care…. Like at my house most of the time! The “old country” half of my family (my mom immigrated here as a teenager) practices the hold the baby method & would not have thought to have put a baby separately in her/his own chair.
From what I remember… babies are held and passed around a lot. Even at home babies are held in your lap to eat. I lived in the French part of Swtizerland (the Swiss pride themselves in being “more French than the French and more German than the Gremans”)Most baby gear was seen as a waste of time and money. I think all the baby holding and passing is part of the reason children are (usually) well behaved in public. They were taken everywhere and participated in everything from birth on and they always had an adult to regulate their behaviour.
Yep passing the kid around also keeps them less fussy. I was out at a restaurant the other day with some acquaintances and the baby started to fuss, I wanted to offer to amuse her but Ive found many parents uncomfortable by that and instead I just sat there. They decided to leave early, sadly.I’d like to see my child-having friends more often and Im not sure how to convey that willingness to accommodate kidkins. I grew up in a large family and I hate seeing my friends staying home from tame adult entertainments because they fear the baby would be unwelcome / disruptive / whatever.Suggestions from parents to break down the barriers?Should I advertise that I just washed my hands/have my CPR up to date / oldest of a large family?
I’ve been living in France for the past six years and had both my kids here (ages 3 and 4 months), and can therefore relate to the points made by the author. However, I disagree with a couple of things. We’ve had the great fortune to get a place in a nursery school for our son, which as Rachelle states, is no small feat. There is a baby boom in France, and the number of spots has not kept pace with the growth in births. We pay 450 euros for full-time care (the cost is based on family revenues, with the maximum being 550 euros/month). While this does seem inexpensive by American standards, keep in mind that the salaries are also incomparable. For example, as an MBA holder with 8-10 yrs experience, I can expect to earn 50K euros/yr (I’m not in Paris).As for children being welcome in restaurants… I disagree. In fact, I think dogs are more welcome than children in most places. No high-chairs, and often, no place to put a stroller. I don’t know about you, but if I have to hold a baby in my lap throughout the meal, I’d rather save my money and eat at home. Yes, I suppose kids are more disciplined. And when they’re not (god forbid your toddler throws a temper tantrum in the street or your newborn cries in public), the dirty looks and comments start flying, especially from a subset of bitchy elderly bourgeois women, who love pointing out your weaknesses as a mother. From a very early age, kids are taught not to question authority, teachers are feared and rarely compliment their students. The flip side? This attitude stays with them into adulthood: don’t rock the boat, accept the status quo and the hierarchical work environment. This is not a place to raise entrepreneurs.So yes, France is certainly more socialized when it comes to child rearing, however, things are never black or white.
i LOVE this article! wish i was there!
realistic-about-France so they are “taught not to question authority” [acerbic sarcasm starts here] that must be why the french are all so conservative and law abiding (especially traffic law, hein!) and never go on strike or rock-the-boat in international situations?You make it sound like they’re indoctrinating drones. Healthy fear of the teachers is good. Social dissonance can come after school.
The reason people in America don’t like kids in restaraunts or at parties is because a lot of modern American parents believe a well-behaved quiet child is an abused child. They want to take their kids to adult situations and then want the adult situation to morph into an entertain the badly behaved child romper room situation. I know people who believe it is bad manners to pay attention to the bride or god forbid the minister at a funeral when their little darling wants everyone to watch her dance up the aisle. When you honestly believe your child’s wants and needs are more important to everyone else’s at all times, then maybe you should keep them at home – where they are worshipped.
Amen Mchaos. I have an obnoxious little niece who’s every whim and whimsy my sister- in- law gives in to. One time she told her she could not do something while at a party and all hell broke loose. She cried like someone was trying to kill her. It was absurd, and to boot the grandparents were so upset and shocked that the little ‘angel’ was sad. I was shocked too, but for different reasons, I could not believe this bratty girl was carrying on the way she was.
The behavior of a large majority of American children is deplorable. I am all for expression and what not, but there is an appropriate place and time.
Wow, what a lucky little girl to have an aunt who speaks so well of her. How kind of you. Let me guess, you have no children. For goodness sake, all young children have times when they get upset, it is unreasonable to expect a very young child to be completely quiet and still whenever it suits you.
Here are five more reasons:1. Less crime, less guns, less kidnappings: Kids and parents seems happier roaming parks and the great outdoors knowing that there are less chances of being snatched or being caught in gunfire. The media in the US also seems to magnify these issues alongside with other disasters so there is more paranoia and families may feel less secure.2. Less stress from work: Maternity leave is at least four months, not weeks and fathers work less hours (workweeks are 35 hours) so they can come home earlier to spend time with the family. Paternity leave is also not unheard of. Weekends are usually reserved for family time and not working extra hours and on Sundays, shops are usually closed so this day is not spent figuring out how to spend your money at an indoor shopping mall or weaving through crowds. Vacation time for everyone even minimum wage workers is at least 6 weeks and is spent doing just that – vacationing and oftentimes with your family.3. Universal health care: There is less pressure to go home right after delivery and insurance covers at least a week so this time can be spent recovering and getting to know your baby.4. Less puritanical: It is not a big deal breastfeeding and people won’t gawk at you if you need to feed your baby in a park or on a beach. 5. More financial resources: Minimum wage is higher on this side of the continent than in the US. Families are therefore more secure and there are less instances of poverty. All citizens receive a small stipend for each child which doesn’t serve as an incentive to have more children. Rather, this extra financial resource can be used for basic goods if you are from a lower-income family or can be saved which adds up to quite a big sum once the child turns 25.
6. Food quality : french food is the best of the world
i am a prego expact living in france and i want to know what’s “normal” as far as sonos and dr. appointments are concerned. my first doctor’s appointment is when i am almost 13 weeks. is that normal? because in the states its a bit different?
hi
i love your blog. thanks for feeding our curiosity & encouragement to be fabulous. I’m stay at home mom & mostof
the time i wear old clothes. i dress up only in the evening
when we go out. i save all my dresses for special occation.
my question is what about french stay at home mom do. do
they really wear good clothes even when they stay home.if
they do how they do housework you know cooking, laundry
etc etc. could you share any tips please.
thank you
suji
I am Australian living in USA and would love to do a semester in France with a 9 year old and 13 year old. I was looking around the midi-pyrenees area. Could you suggest who to call about schools and is it possible?
Hello! deeekag interesting deeekag site!
You know what, I’m very much icnlnied to agree.