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Gee, Thanks, Madison Avenue: 5 New Marketing Campaigns Aimed at (Stupid) Women

1950's housewife

Gee, thanks for thinking of us, Madison Avenue!

Never has there been a more remarkable time to be a woman. Or more specifically, to be a female consumer. Manufacturers and marketers are working overtime to cross the thresholds of our all-important purses, knowing full well the power we wield with the allowances bestowed upon us by our husbands. And may I be the first to say thank you, manufacturers and marketers, for your increased efforts on our behalf?

From pink beer to dolls teaching our daughters to breast feed 20+ years in advance, and collector’s edition Kotex, it’s nice to know women aren’t taking the back seat in the minds of the people looking to take our money. (You know, just as long as women don’t dare to get in the driver’s seat. Because everyone knows how well women drive.)

Here are the 5 products I’m most appreciative of these days:

 

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  • Animée beer from Molson Coors 1 of 5
    Animée beer from Molson Coors
    Animée, described as a sparkling pink alcoholic beverage with lemony and rosé flavors, is being brewed specifically for women. Sure, it sounds less like beer and more like fermented herbal tea or scented toilet paper, but may I say thank you, anyway on behalf of women everywhere? Before now, if I wanted to drink a sachet of potpourri or a wine cooler, I would have either had to browse the Martha Stewart collection at Kmart or taken a time machine back to eleventh grade. I wasn't previously interested in doing either. But now my curiosity is piqued. I appreciate that a beer company is marketing to women instead of using mostly naked women in their marketing. And I say why stop at pink beer to lure the ladies? Why not bedazzle the bottle? Or implant some lip gloss in the bottle cap? In fact, why fill it with beer at all? Why not fill it with a cosmopolitan or, better yet, some Crystal Light? Or, if you really want to appeal to women, why not fill it with a housecleaning product, like pink-tinted ammonia or bleach? That way we can kill two birds with one stone — cleaning the bathroom while also prompting our neighbors to whisper maliciously that we're drinking before noon.
  • Milk: It Does a Body Good, If Not Necessarily a Marriage 2 of 5
    Milk: It Does a Body Good, If Not Necessarily a Marriage
    Women recently learned from a new advertising campaign from the "Got Milk?" folks — the California Milk Processor Board — that milk can help alleviate symptoms of premenstrual syndrome. Granted it was an extraordinarily sexist ad campaign, which postulated that men suffer just as much from PMS as women since they have to live with the women with PMS. But the gentler sex isn't all that bright, so we didn't really understand that you were laughing at us, not with us, milk folks. Hang on a sec, please, while I run out and buy some milk!
  • Breast Milk Baby Dolls 3 of 5
    Breast Milk Baby Dolls
    The doll allows kids (it's presumably for kids) to pretend they're nursing by donning a special halter-top that has two flowers with embedded sensors in the nipple position. When the doll's mouth nears the flowers, it makes sucking motions and sounds. I'm not sure that wearing a shirt with pronounced nipples will do much to hone my daughter's future talent as a mom (although it will surely come in handy should she decide to take to the pole), which will either come naturally to her or won't when and if she eventually cares for something more substantial than a stuffed bunny. I mean, she'll also need to have intercourse to eventually make that baby that she may or may not breastfeed, but I'm not about to buy her a doll to hone that skill. Does everything need to be learned or practiced 20+ years in advance, or just some stuff? If it's the former, then for that I am eternally grateful to the manufacturers of the Breast Milk Baby Doll. Thank you!
  • Designer Series Kotex 4 of 5
    Designer Series Kotex
    The geniuses behind Kotex have come out with a limited edition designer series of pads. I can't speak for other woman, but how thrilling to learn that there is a market for collectible sanitary napkins! Is this the next Big Thing, like the Macarena or Lindsay Lohan's movie career (circa 2004)? I'm unsure whether I'm meant to collect the pads before or after I use them, but once I buy them I'm hopeful the answer will be indicated on the package. I'll undoubtedly feel sexier or sassier when it's that time of the month knowing I can choose from one of four designs: "Free Style," "Poptimistic," "Boho" or "Punk Glam." I feel silly not knowing what makes a tampon "Punk Glam" to begin with, but I sure can't wait to get my period so I can find out. I might be a little slow, but as long as I'm loose with my purse strings, that's the point, right?
  • Hail to the V (or Not) 5 of 5
    Hail to the V (or Not)
    And here I was thinking douching was universal: either you do it or you don't. But according to a new Summer's Eve campaign, women of different ethnicities needs to be talked to differently how about how they take care of themselves . . . um, down there. A series of ads showed talking hands — black, white and Latina — that were used as stand-ins for vaginas. The voiceovers matched the stereotypical sounds of each ethnicity and the content of the monologues didn't do much to break with the same convention. If it hasn't been said yet, thanks, Summer's Eve, for speaking to me directly. Because if I need to douche, it's probably for different reasons than women who (gasp) look different than me. That was the point, right?

It doesn’t stop there: Babble finds 15 of the Most Sexist Day TV Commecials!

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