My friend Elizabeth McQuern – who produces Chicago Underground Comedy – just had a baby. Like any new mother, she’s got curious questions about her infant. So she recently hit Google hoping to find out whether or not babies have growing pains, but she ended up instead finding the key to unlocking a whole treasure trove of hilarity. The auto-fill result that popped up after she’d typed only “do babies have” is the first one below, and it set me off on a quest to discover what other ridiculous auto-fill results might be out there in the world of baby-related searches:
do babies have gills 1 of 25
I mean, do they, though? (No, they definitely don't.) And, it turns out, they don't have growing pains, either. GROWTH IS GOOD, EVERYBODY. It makes you feel good! Babies do also have kneecaps, FYI. Via HowStuffWorks: "Although it doesn't show up on X-rays, your baby does in fact have kneecaps. They're just not bony kneecaps. At birth, these kneecaps are still cartilage, and remain so for a few years. So all those spills and falls your toddler is taking aren't going to be knee-breakers, just sponge-compressors. By the time your child is anywhere from 3 to 5 years old, those cartilage plates will have fully ossified into big-kid kneecaps, made of real bone."
can babies eat dandelions 2 of 25
are babies capable of love 3 of 25
What does that even mean, you guys? We'd have to define "love," and that seems impossible. But newborns feel attachment from the moment they're born. Will they drive you to the airport? No. But your baby loves you. He's hardwired to do so.
can babies eat edamame 4 of 25
This search made me laugh because it's pretentious. I mean, who is serving babies edamame? Whatsamatta? You too good for carrots, huh? That said, though, if you're thinking about feeding your baby edamame, don't. Via CanIGiveMyBaby: "The reason that you don't want to give your baby edamame is because they're soy beans, and some babies will either be allergic to soy, or will have trouble processing it at such a young age .... There's also the size and shape of edamame, and they represent a choking hazard."
can babies eat unsweetened applesauce 5 of 25
Yes, silly! That's why it's sold as one of baby's first foods! The more interesting search here, though, is "can babies have uht milk." That phrase is clearly being searched by mothers in Europe and elsewhere east of the Atlantic, because I didn't even know what UHT milk was or that it existed. After searching (thank you, Google), I found this. Read it. Most of the milk being sold to us in the states is UHT milk, and no one is really aware. So much for food transparency, even in the organic sector! Hooray!
are babies born blind 6 of 25
No. I mean, unless they are. But no. Babies can't focus on objects far away, but they can see, yes.
can babies eat frozen yogurt 7 of 25
"Um, my baby is on a diet. I don't want her to have ice cream because it's too fattening and she's fat enough already because she's a baby. So can she have frozen yogurt? KAYTHXBAI." Yes. The answer is yes. Babies can have frozen yogurt. And ice cream. Unless your baby has a dairy allergy, then I don't know what to tell you. Try vegan ice cream? It's soy-free, unlike edamame.
do babies stay babies in heaven 8 of 25
I mean ....
can babies eat jackfruit 9 of 25
The more important question is, "What is jackfruit?" Jackfruit is a Thai fruit filled with "pods or "bulbs". Often referred to as the seeds, these bulbs are actually a kind of fleshy covering for the true seeds or pits, which are round and dark like chesnuts. The fleshy part (the "bulb") can be eaten as is, or cut up and cooked. When unripe (green), it is remarkably similar in texture to chicken, making jackfruit an excellent vegetarian substitute for meat. In fact, canned jackfruit (in brine) is sometimes referred to as "vegetable meat"." So there you have it, thanks to About.com. And a doctor in Singapore says 2 1/2 year olds can have it.
can young infants add and subtract 10 of 25
Cuz I really think my kid is doing math over here. I mean, he's only 3 weeks old but he keeps looking at his fingers like he's coutin' or somein'.
can babies eat lobster 11 of 25
Oh you fancy, huh baby? Well, you can eat lobster after 6 months of age, but only wearing a 14K gold bib. Oh, and watch out for allergies!
can infants ride in limos 12 of 25
Yes, but only in a car seat, and only while eating lobster.
why won’t my baby 13 of 25
bearded dragon eat? The only reason I have this stupid baby bearded dragon is because my actual baby went to school and this was the class pet and now we have him for the summer. Argh!
why won’t my bread rise 14 of 25
It's bad enough my baby won't eat, nap or sleep, NOW MY BREAD WON'T RISE??? WHEN WILL IT END?!
can babies eat non fat yogurt 15 of 25
Okay, now you're really pushing it with the diet thing. We already said babies could eat frozen yogurt, and yes, babies can have non-frozen yogurt, too, regardless of fat content. But I mean come on.
do babies like lemons 16 of 25
Only the masochistic ones!
my baby can read 17 of 25
Oh yeah, well my baby takes the morning train! He works from 9 to 5 and then he takes another home again to find me waiting for him!
Stop. 18 of 25
Just this whole thing. Just stop.
can infants fly 19 of 25
No, not on airplanes. WITH THEIR ANGEL WINGS. Fly freeeeee! Free from the pain. Of flying with a baby on an airplane.
my baby laughs 20 of 25
in his sleep, a lot, for no reason, all the time. Should I be worried??? He seems to be having more fun than this world should allow.
can pregnant women go to a funeral 21 of 25
I'm worried about:
1) crying myself into labor/miscarriage
2) taking up too much space among mourners
3) finding a black maternity dress that looks decent
can moms wear short shorts 22 of 25
Hi. I'm "a mom," so I'm looking for advice about what's appropriate for me to wear. I don't want to look like a slut like my daughter. Not that I'm jealous of her or anything! So can I wear short shorts or not? Please say yes.
This. 23 of 25
You are not alone.
can dads breastfeed 24 of 25
Even though this search made me laugh, it is a question people are genuinely asking, since there is some suggestion that men can in fact produce breastmilk in life or death situations or perhaps with the help of hormone treatments.
why do babies look like aliens 25 of 25
BECAUSE THEY ARE.
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