Most studies have taught us that a lot of the issues we have today are related to our parents and the way they did or didn’t raise us. While our kids adore their grandma and grandpa in this case they are going to have to take the heat for some of the issues we have as adults, particularly if the words commitment phobe describe you.
According to Your Tango, a study from the Tel Aviv University found that the way our parents interacted with each other as well as with us impacted how we handled commitment in our adult relationships.
Those who had parents who could be described as helicopter parents or who were unresponsive grew up to struggle in their adult relationships. Some of the challenges faced by adults who come from such an environment included various attempts to find what they didn’t get as a child in their adult relationships.
Articles like this always make me think twice. For those of us who can be so fortunate, we get parents (or at least one parent) who do the best they can. They often raise us similarly to how they were raised unless in their youth they made a vow to do things differently than their own parents. Then there are those who got the short end of the stick.
When things go wrong it is always easy to blame the parents, honestly speaking, I blame mine for some of my own issues. But, at the end of the day I harbor these issues, not my parents, so regardless of where they originated they are mine. My challenge now, is to appropriately deal with them and keep them from damaging my own family and repeating the cycle.
So yes, I can blame my parents for the fact that I was one of the girls who, while not afraid of committing, did attempt to get what I didn’t get as a child in my adolescent and adult relationships. Or, I can realize that at the end of the day my parents did the best they knew how using the tools they were given in their upbringing and the lessons life had taught them.
For me, the takeaway is to be more mindful of the messages I am sending my own children through my interactions with their father and the interactions they have with me. The article’s author notes that these adult issues aren’t permanent and instead, according to the study, “can change with new experiences and relationships.”
Studies can be great, they arm you with knowledge, shed light on various issues, and challenge your thinking but at the same time they can send you down the path of searching for answers that in the end may never really satisfy you anyway. And if you’re a parent they may also make you worry that you might screw your own child up. Much like many of our parents we are doing the best we know how to do. And hopefully, things will work out for the best and our children will grow up and see that.
So mom, dad, if you’re reading this, despite my issues, you’re off the hook. This time at least. But based on future research findings this is subject to change.
Be sure to visit Your Tango for more on the study.
Photo Source: iStockphoto
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