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After those "ooohs" and "aaahs" of having a new baby, things rapidly turn into "Eeeew!" "Ick!" and "Blergh!!!" Yep, those adorable little beings are capable of producing massive amounts of Gross Stuff (not to mention the horrifying things happening to your body). If you’ve been there, picked that, cleaned up that, gagged on that, wiped that and smelled that, we have a feeling you’ll relate to these utterly revolting moments of parenthood. Enjoy!
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1: When you get the gift of booger
Your child toddles toward you, grinning happily, smears a green gob onto your hand and says, as if he has just presented you with a priceless jewel, Here, Mommy! Your present: a gigantic ball of snot. No thank-you card is required.
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2: When you discover a random act of poop
It's been a long day. The kids are finally asleep and you decide to pour yourself a glass and watch Real Housewives when all of a sudden .... Holy crap! Noooooooo! Not on your beautiful fabric couch!!! But, alas, Shabby Chic is now Shabby S**t.
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3: When youre hit with projectile puke
Your child has been vomiting nonstop and has never looked more heartbreakingly pathetic. Finally, the two of you fall asleep, exhausted, in her bed only to be awaken by a supersonic blast of vomit. And its all over you. And you cant even pity yourself because your poor tot is just so miserable.
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4: When you notice the wall "art"
You duck out of the playroom to grab a cup of coffee and/or Valium. You return to discover a room turned into a horror scene, the likes of which movie theaters have never seen. Because in a manner of one minute, your child has undone his diaper and finger-painted poop all over the walls. OMG. OMG. OMG.
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5: When you realize your belly has turned into Play-doh
You have a newborn and you barely have time to take a bathroom break, let alone look at yourself. Then one day, a couple of weeks later, you catch a glimpse in the full-length mirror. And you stare at that area formerly known as your stomach and realize you could tuck entire objects beneath the folds. You could even carry your baby down there, like kangaroos do.
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6: When you smell the Diaper Genie
What possessed you to sniff the diaper pail, you dont know, but you may have just taken ten years off your life.
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7: When you see mystery objects floating in your kid's bath
You always knew the day might come when your child poops in the tub and yet, you figured that if it hasnt happened by now, it wont, and that your brilliant little darling knows not to do that. Only, er, whats that? And that? You dont recall him having any small, brown bath toys. Oh.
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8: When your kid decides to try "seefood"
Not that feeding a child is ever the most pleasant experience, but gross goes to a whole new level the day your sweetie learns she can open up her mouth and let chewed-up food ooze out, in slow-mo. And inevitably, its green.
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9: When you taste baby food
Hmmm. What does it taste like, anyway? Youve been wondering. And so you decide that if you wont eat it, you wont give it to your baby. And then you taste the jarred meat baby food. And your taste buds will never be the same again.
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10: When you realize why your child has been so quiet
Youre driving along, thanking the parenting gods that your toddler is being remarkably calm back there. Then you peer into the rearview mirror, notice that he has his finger up his nose, watch him transfer it to his mouth and realize that the thing thats been happily occupying him for the last 15 minutes is the eating of boogers.
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11: When you reach your baby "doo" date
Mercifully, you read about how common it is for moms to poop in the delivery room after you had the baby. But, you wonder. And when you ask your husband about whether you did the deed, he smiles sheepishly and confesses that you did, indeed, poop on the delivery room table. Only it is too late for you to die of embarrassment.