It’s Friday night. You dropped the kids off at Grandma’s house … for the weekend! You haven’t had sex in what feels like a month. You go out to a nice dinner, watch a movie afterwards (and it’s not a cartoon in 3D) and then come home ready to get it on. Your man is trying all his best moves, and yet, for whatever reason, you just can’t climax. You sort of let it go, let him finish, then roll over and go to sleep feeling slightly unsatisfied. Sound familiar? Of course it does.
If — like sooo many women! — you have trouble letting go and getting to the big O during sex, here are some helpful tips:
1. Stop trying.
It’s a simple concept and difficult to do, but try not to focus on having an orgasm. Try to focus instead on what you’re feeling in the present moment.
2. Re-define your idea of orgasm.
According to Candice Holdorf of StraightUpLove.com, “Most of us believe that orgasm is this fleeting, 30-second event where you buildup a lot of energy until you can’t hold it anymore, go over a sharp edge and have some sort of crashing release. While this experience (which I call ‘climax’) may be a part of orgasm, it is only a tiny hiccup on the spectrum of possibility.” I also think women have to realize that the female orgasm and the male orgasm are vastly different. A male orgasm is the climax — that’s it. Women are able to have multiple orgasms because we don’t climax and then hit a wall. Try thinking of orgasm as a flood-like experience, rather than, uh, being soaked by a hose.
3. Learn how to “let the love in.”
Holdorf says, “Our ability to experience orgasm is directly proportionate to our ability to receive pleasure. Very often, we have a lot of ideas that sit on top of and stifle our pleasure.” They might be thoughts like:
- I don’t deserve to feel this good.
- If I let this in, what do I have to give up in return?
- I don’t want to tell him what I want because it will hurt his feelings. (Or because its embarrassing.)
- If I ask for what I want, I will look like a bitch.
- Everyone can have this except me.
What I have learned from having sex is that men *love* it when women communicate with them about what we want. I know it can feel awkward, but if you think about it this way, maybe it will help: men really do want to please you in the sack, because it makes them feel good about themselves. If a man can make you orgasm, he feels like he has achieved the unachievable. (And as you can see from the subject matter of this post, that’s a somewhat fair assessment.) However, Holdorf’s most important point about orgasm is that “orgasm is our own responsibility. No one can ‘do it’ for us or ‘give it to us.’ Yes, other people may facilitate the opening (and we dearly, dearly thank them for it), but our orgasm depends on our own ability to stay relaxed, receptive and present with what is.”
Holdorf notes that if you’re really focusing and being honest about your desires and you’re still having trouble experiencing orgasm, you might not feel safe or love the person you’re having sex with enough to allow yourself to let go. Maybe you need to try talking about relationship issues that are in the way before you can really relinquish control and give over to pleasure in bed. If you think the issue is with you and not your partner, Holdorf says Orgasmic Mediation might help. (Sounds pretty fun to me!)
An additional option that seems to be missing from Holdorf’s great advice is to allow your mind to fantasize. I’ve always found it helpful and exciting to allow my imagination to take over in the bedroom. If you have trouble verbally communicating with your partner about what you’d like him to do, try creating a fantasy in which the characters do the things you’d like to do, then try doing them. Finally, if the reason you can’t orgasm is because you feel as though you’re being manhandled or treated in a way that’s too rough, be sure to say something. Remember, it’s not sexy if it makes you feel bad.
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