Parenting Through Depression: How I tend to my children when I’d rather stay in bed. Advice for moms and dads with depression.
How I tend to my children when I'd rather stay in bed.
On a Friday morning in early November, I got up with my then twenty-two-month-old twin daughters, Elsa and Clio, as usual. My husband watches them most of the week while I’m at work, so on Fridays I always let him sleep in. But that morning I’d barely finished giving the girls their breakfast when I made my way back to the bedroom, curled up next to him and said, on the verge of tears, “I need you to take care of the girls. I can’t do it.”
I spent most of that day -and the next -in bed.
For more than a month, I’d been struggling with an episode of clinical depression. Until that point, I’d been able to muddle through at work, take care of the girls -with difficulty -and keep up with essential everyday tasks. But on that dark Friday, even just sitting on the sofa while Elsa and Clio watched Sesame Street hurt too much. I felt empty and detached from reality. I could barely bring myself to do or say anything. My whole body throbbed with unfocused dread. I had no thoughts of suicide, but I was lower than I’d ever felt before – low enough that I simply couldn’t handle taking care of my children. And it scared me.
My thoughts were panicked and pessimistic: What if I didn’t get better this time? What if I ended up having to be hospitalized? What if this was the way I was going to feel for the rest of my life? What kind of mother could I be?
When my husband and I decided to start a family, we never gave a moment’s thought to my depression. Ever since I’d been diagnosed, at the age of twenty-three, I’d been able to effectively manage my condition with medication. When I did have depressive dips, they were short-lived, and not debilitating. Throughout my pregnancy and over a year of nursing, I never had any major depressive episodes, with the exception of a tough week or two postpartum. I never gave much thought to what it would be like to try to deal with parenting while depressed, because I was convinced it wasn’t going to be an issue.
I was wrong.
In the past year, I’ve had three bouts of depression, each more severe than the last. And each time, I’ve had to wrestle with the sadness and guilt of not being able to be the kind of mother I want to be – engaged, energetic, patient. My depression makes me irritable, lethargic, and unable to take pleasure in anything – symptoms that don’t go particularly well with running around after a pair of toddlers. Of course, childcare is always challenging. But when you’re depressed you don’t have the inner resources or perspective to deal with those challenges. They can feel overwhelming.
Depression affects approximately nineteen million Americans, or 9.5% of the population in any given one-year period. It’s twice as common in women as it is in men. While awareness and understanding of postpartum depression has increased in recent years, there’s little public discussion about ongoing clinical depression in mothers, and the repercussions it can have on their families.
This is probably due to the fact that depression still carries a significant stigma. Lots of people still believe it’s not a “real” illness but a weakness or a personality flaw – something that sufferers should be able to talk, exercise or vitamin-supplement their way out of (right, Mr. Cruise?). Even women like me, who know that their depression is a very real, biological condition, can internalize that stigma and feel guilty as a result. During my last depression, I found myself wondering: What does it say about me as a mother if I can handle going to work, but can’t handle a morning at home with my toddlers? Couldn’t I push myself just a little bit harder?
I’m lucky to have a spouse who is extremely understanding and sympathetic about my situation, having experienced depression himself. “You’re sick today,” he says when I’m down and feeling guilty about not being able to do all the things I normally can. “So treat yourself like you’re sick. Take it easy.”
I try very hard to remember this; to ignore the little super-mom on my left shoulder telling me to buck up and deal. Because while I do believe in pushing myself to stay active and functioning when I’m depressed, I’ve also come to realize that it’s important not to push too hard. If that means hiring a sitter, or asking a friend for help, or even just letting the kids watch back-to-back episodes of Curious George for awhile, it’s okay. It’s also okay to let things like housework, meal preparation and social obligations slip. Our favorite pizza place got a lot more business from us when I was depressed this year, and our floor stayed a lot dirtier. Miraculously, the earth did not stop turning as a result.
Thank you so much for this. My mother was depressed her whole life, and back then there were really no resources for someone like her. It was miserable growing up, and got even worse when she hit menopause. When she was in her early 60′s (and I was in my early 30′s) she finally decided to go to a doctor for this. It took a few years for the counseling and medication to finally stabilize, but I thank my stars every day she did this. The medication did not turn her into a Stepford Wife – she is the same person, just not miserable. I am so glad she can be such a wonderful presence in my son’s life. Anyone out there who has this problem has to know there is nothing to be ashamed of – it is an illness just like any chronic disease. The longer you take to accept this and get help, the longer you and your family will suffer.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Fantastic. Thanks Jane. As a mom who has struggled with depression even pre-baby, I know a lot of women expect to power through just on pure love of their child.
It doesn’t work that way. As your husband says – you’re sick. We wouldn’t deny ourselves treatment for diabetes, so why do people push themselves to “just buck up” and get through depression. It’s not our fault, it’s the chemicals in our brains that need to be fixed, just like the pancreas that needs a little help in a diabetic.
I can absolutely relate to that question ‘why can I handle going to work, but not a morning with the kids?’ I think the answer is that, while work is demanding of some skills, it doesn’t require your emotional involvement. You have to be there mentally, but you don’t have to be there emotionally. It’s not that you don’t love your kids – just the opposite. You love them so much that you are committed to being an emotionally engaged and connected person when you are with them. And when you are depressed, that’s exactly one of the most difficult things to do.
I love you and your blog so much, Jane! I don’t have twins, but I do have depression, and you make me feel so much less alone.
I have
to admit to having a really, really hard time empathizing
with/understanding depression. I think it stems from going through some
traumatic events in my childhood and having parents who have been
extremely physically ill at various points throughout my entire life,
but have both remained incredibly optimistic and upbeat. My mother dealt with a life threatening disease and debilitating pain throughout my childhood, but certainly never spent days laying in bed feeling sorry for herself. I have never
been depressed, as far as I know, so when my friends and loved ones who
are physically healthy and have had relatively charmed lives claim to
be depressed, it’s hard for me to not feel like they should just stop
being self indulgent and just be glad they’ve had it so easy. I’m well aware my feelings are not fair or rational, but it can be difficult to deal with depressed people who seem incredibly privileged
from an outsider’s perspective.
Gemma, you’re brave to admit that. I think it’s really, really tough to understand clinical depression (as opposed to just feeling down in the dumps) if you haven’t experienced it yourself. I didn’t “get it” before I had it. And I think there are a lot of people who use the term “depression” too lightly, in reference to normal sadness / moodiness / difficulty.
But true depression is a chemical, physical condition — not a form of self-indulgence or laziness. If you’re staying in bed, it’s not because you feel sorry for yourself — it’s because something is happening with your brain chemistry that is making you feel sick, lethargic, hopeless, unfocused, muddled, bored, sad, anxious, unmotivated, miserable, etc.
It’s rarely *about* anything in particular. Even when I am depressed, I am aware that I am fortunate, I have a great life, I am blessed in countless ways. The problem is, I am physically/mentally unable to participate in that life the way I normally do. My brain actually is processing and functioning differently than it normally does. I do not feel like myself.
This is a big reason that I write and talk openly about depression — to try to help people who don’t understand it get a better sense.
Depression blows.
I am in the same boat with twins also. can you tell us what anti depressants are working for you, I am having trouble finding one that works and does not cause excessive weight gain and loss of sex drive.. have you had any luck with this?
The hard part for me about being depressed with a kid is the involvement. No matter how depressed I am on a given day, I can do what *needs* to be done, whether for myself or the kid. I can make sure the kid is fed and clean and gets to school.
But really, besides fed and clean and school, everything else is fuzzy. Yes, in the long term, I know my kid needs me to be involved with his artwork and legos and stories about friends, that I need to teach him to clean up after himself and make sure he gets outside for exercise, but at the moment, I just can’t. So the kid gets forced smiles when he interrupts my time-wasting with something exciting to show or tell me, and then has to go back to amusing himself. And while that’s excusable on any given bad day, when it’s day after day, it’s a big problem.
I think “parenting” as a task is much harder when depressed than most jobs because with most jobs, most duties fall into the *need to be done* category, while with parenting it’s the opposite.
Please cut yourself lots of slack, and remember the facts: you have two young children in a difficult phase of development and the obligations of your professional work, plus a history of clinical depression. I like your five guidelines for dealing with an episode. Here are some additional ones:
-Remember that it’s OK to cry; it gets out emotional toxins.
-Remind oneself of all the things that cannot be controlled, and let go of the idea that they somehow can be controlled.
-Dehydration is a possible contributor; so be sure to drink lots of nonalcoholic, low/no-sugar fluids.
-Caffeine, while sometimes a mild pick-me-up, can contribute to depression depending on what one’s hormones are doing.
-Maybe family reading/nap/quiet time (not sure what age kids need to be to begin this) would be a nice oasis during long days of kid-watching. Just get through it-Been There.
The best metaphor for depression that I’ve personally ever come across was in the description of the “dementors” in the Harry Potter series: demons that suck all of your hope away and make you believe you’ll never be happy again, make you compulsively re-live the worst moments of your life over and over again inside your own head, and even make you so confused, slow, weak and stupid that you can’t figure out how to fight back. Totally spot on description and one of the reasons I love J.K. Rowling so much. As soon as I read that, I was like “Oh yeah, she’s been there too, that’s EXACTLY what it feels like.”
This is a great article. I think it’s also important to think about talking to your kids about your depression when they reach such an age as they can understand it. My mother suffered from depression, still does, yet it was always there and not talked about. This was especially damaging because it was such severe depression, and while she was receiving help of a sort, she was not proactive about self-care in the way that you are, Jane. I still find it hard to disentangle what is her, and what is her illness – I’m at the point now where I can be more forgiving but honestly it took a lot of time to get there, particularly when you’re a kid and you can see what’s going on but don’t understand (and everyone else’s mommy seems to have it together…) and no one is helping you to understand. I struggle with depression and anxiety myself sometimes nowadays but try to prepare and self-care, and not be afraid to ask for help or communicate how I’m feeling to my partner. I have worried about whether this would be enough when I eventually have kids – lack of sleep + crazy hormones are already triggers for me.
I can totally understand this, I also deal with depression on a daily basis. I have two young boys and I love them more than I’ve ever loved before. There are those days though, that I do want to just lay around and do nothing because I just can’t do anything else. The feelings of depression are debilitating.
I want to be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps, but cannot.
Jane,
Just wanted to echo thanks for posting this. I too have struggled with depression for a long time, before having a kid, and now after having one too. There’s a voice in my head that tells me that my love for my son should be so all-consuming and fulfilling that I should never be depressed again. I think this is particularly a pressure for women — motherhood is supposed to fill you up entirely and push out everything else. And while I love my son more than I ever could have thought possible, and he daily brings me happiness, I still get depressed and I still struggle to feel just basically comfortable in the world.
And I love your blog even though I don’t have twins!
Your husband has a great attitude! Kudos
Having struggled with depression in the past, one of my biggest fears before getting pregnant was how I would deal with it as a parent. My next biggest fear was how I would get through the pregnancy without meds. My daughter is now two and I’ve been lucky on both accounts. For whatever reason, my hormones when pregnancy were good for my mood (not so good for keeping food down, but oh well). Aside from limited post-partum yuckiness followed by a few months of confusion and loneliness before I went back to work, I’ve been remarkably depression-free, without drugs. When I do feel down, caring for my daughter often does lift me out of those feelings. But there’s a huge difference between “feeling down” and serious depression and I applaud your ability to recognize and remind us of that difference. It’s encouraging to see all the responses on this page. While the pain of depression is still very real, we as a society seem to be making baby steps of progress towards lifting some of the stigma that still makes it so hard to get proper support. All I’ve read on this page makes me more hopeful that if I do face a serious episode of true depression again, I’ll have the courage to get the support I need without feeling like I’m a horrible mother.
Thank you, brave mothers and daughters, for sharing here.
I am so glad you shared your story and advice in this article. As a single mother living with clinical depression, the days I cannot beat my illness are extremely scary for me. There is no one living in my household whom I can rely upon. Out of necessity I have developed a list of “permissions” for the days when I cannot accomplish much, and have shared the truth with friends and neighbors so that I am not turned away when I reach out. I am very lucky to have the support of my mother and sister who live nearby.
I have learned to accept my condition and stay on my medication which has really helped manage my illness. Doing that, and freeing up the mental energy that guilt once consumed, has lead to a more creative and productive life. I am here to say the clinical depression does not have to be a limiting factor in any area of your life if you treat it on multiple fronts.
So glad you wrote this–when my book Baby Love came out I fielded many mean-spirited attacks about my continuing to take anti-depressants during my pregnancy and write about it. Someone actually told me I should have taken them but not included it in the book because it was irresponsible and could encourage other women to take them and negatively affect their children. Awful. The more we talk about this, the better it will get for all–moms, dads, kids. Thanks much–and here’s a link to the book. Feel free to respond to any of the anti-depressant critiques on Amazon! http://www.rebeccawalker.com/work/baby-love
Great article Jane, brave and necesary…thank you.
Thank you for this – especially the instructions list. There’s nothing more frustrating than being told to buck up or work through it. No one would say that to someone with, say, a broken leg.
This was so beautiful and amazing. I am going to show it to my husband to prove to him i am not crazy. I can SO relate but don’t want to get on anti-depressants because we want to have another child soon. Still, I don’t know how to get better w/out them.
I kept my 3 year old in daycare when I had my youngest daughter. It kept my sanity, as I was able to only have to care for one child during the day. I was questioned, my mom and MIL were openly skeptical and commented on how “a girl needs her mom” but in the end it made me a better parent. I still ended up on a low dose of antidepressants, and am feeling so much better. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve never met anyone before who feels the way I do (or maybe I have and they were hiding it).
I may show this to my husband. He doesn’t quite get it. He’s told me to effen deal with it or suck it up when I’ve described my feelings although I haven’t told him that I think I may be depressed.
It’s difficult because we had premature twins (one who has special needs, including gastrostomy tube) less than two weeks after we moved hundreds of miles for him to take a new job.
I had to give up my job, my friends and family. At the same time, I struggle with feeling like I’m a piece of ….. and being told by my husband that I’m “the worst mother in the world.”
I’m not by nature a lazy person or witchy (I worked full-time, sometimes 60 hours a week for more than 20 years), but for more than a year that’s what I’ve become — an irritable sloth.
Some days I honestly feel like I can’t even sit upright on the couch all day, much less care for the twins and their older brother, do the babies’ speech therapy activities, keep house, do sporadic homework with the older child, make dinner, feed them all (takes at least an hour and separate food preparation for the babies’ meals because of developmental delays), then finally eat, then clean up the pot and dishes, then clean the older child and get him ready for bed and prepared for the next day of school, then get the babies in bed after more than year of one of them having a sleep disorder, then washing bottles and sippy cups and g-tube feeding gear, then the hubby’s martini and wine and cognac glasses (which can’t go in the dishwasher), then grabbing a load of laundry out of the dryer and folding it, then trying trying trying to sleep. Then waking up after a couple hours and spending a couple more hours trying trying trying to go back to sleep. (Don’t suggest I ask hubby to pitch in more because he’s already retorted that he’s doing all he can, and he gets mean — as in yelling at one of the babies to “shut up you f’ing pussy!” — when he’s tired or can’t hear the game on TV.)
Somehow, the physical fatigue either stems from or causes (I’m not sure which) an awful feeling of anxiety, despair. It’s like I’m sunk inside a pit of quicksand, drowning, and can’t come up for light or air. God it feels so much like drowning under a pile of mud or something that I can’t crawl out from under.
And I am hundreds of miles from my family and friends (and because the babies are under doctor’s orders not to go to church or mall or groups of children because RSV can put them back in hospital and on a vent, we can’t get out to make new friends). So there is no B-team, and nobody to even come over for an occasional shoulder to cry on.
When I have the anxiety episodes, the dreams of violence, or nightmares related to the twins’ emergency birth (complete with helicopter airlift), my husband doesn’t want me to get it off my chest to him.
Anyway, is there any kind of blood test that can be done to detect the chemical imbalances? I’d like to a) find out if that’s what’s making life unbearable, and b) if I really am suffering from something real, then I’d like something to show my unbelieving husband.
I’m not some slacker looking for an easy route to drugs (I even limit my Advil usage), but if there’s something else that can help me, then I could sure use it.
Twinmomi, I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time, and that your husband is completely unsupportive. (And it sounds like abusive.) There are no blood tests that I’m aware of, but I think you should definitely talk to a pyschiatrist or therapist about how you’re feeling, the sooner the better.
Is there a mother of twins club chapter near you? (Google NMOTC) Having connections — even just online — with other mothers of twins would probably be really helpful and comforting, given that you are isolated from your friends/family.
I’m so sorry you’re suffering, and hope you find the relief and support you need soon.
JR
Thank you for this article. My mom has depression and it has always been hard for my dad, younger brother and I to understand what she is feeling. It sucks having my mom lay in bed all day or get mad too easily. But on days when she does not deal with depression, she is the best mom ever and my best friend. There are bad days, and some bad memories, but the good times outweigh them. Thank you for letting us see your perspective.
Twinmomi – as a former NICU nurse, I can relate that there are a significant number of NICU parents who end up with depression and/or post-traumatic stress disorder. Depression, anxiety and nightmares all indicate that you may need help coping with the ordeal you suffered. There is no shame in looking for help for yourself and your children. Please seek assistance from a doctor!
The findings, reported in the Archives of General Psychiatry, found that teaching depressed patients to focus on that promote health such as Yoga and meditation removes focus on symptoms, leading to fewer relapses.
Hello! dedagfe interesting dedagfe site!