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Hilarious Letters To Santa Claus: “Do You Go To The Bathroom At People’s Houses?”

The big man in red definitely gets an ear full.

Writing a letter to Santa is the ultimate proof of his existence, isn’t it? You don’t even need to receive a response. The act of putting a stamp on an envelope and dropping it in an official government mailbox pretty much seals the deal that the big guy is up there somewhere in the North Pole checking his good and bad list and then checking it twice.

He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice, people.

Next to Santa, my husband is the person I associate most with the holiday. He is a stone cold Christmas junkie. No kidding around here, because CHRISTMAS IS NO JOKE.

Thanksgiving to New Year’s, only Christmas music can play in the car and on our record player. He pretty much has every Christmas record of note ever made. He was beyond ecstatic to discover The Andy Williams Christmas Album on vinyl at our local thrift shop for a quarter the other day, but his elation immediately gave way to sorrow when he remembered and lamented the fact that he has yet to find Ella Fitzgerald’s Christmas record.

Just today I listened to him wax poetic with another male friend about the beauty of vintage blow molds and actually said it was his life’s dream to own the Santa in his sleigh with all nine reindeer blow mold that you can put on your roof. Only $600 on eBay, he says with sparkling eyes, as if I would actually consider the purchase.

He reserved tickets on the local “Polar Express” that runs through our town months ago.

I once recorded him for twenty consecutive minutes late one Christmas Eve while he jubilantly watched the NORAD Santa Tracker and talking to himself excitedly. He had no idea I was recording.

So it came as no surprise when he told me he had already arranged for Santa to send our kids a personalized letter and we needed to write Santa so that when his letter came the kids would think it was a direct response. You can read and see photos of our own evening spent writing to Santa over on Dadding, where Serge writes. Or you can just read our daughter’s letter in the mix of fantastic kids letters to Santa below.

Check out a bunch of hilarious, handwritten letters that reveal a lot more than just what somebody wants for Christmas…


  • I Want To Impress The Boys 1 of 14
    I Want To Impress The Boys
    Ain't that just the life of a girl summed up in one brilliant sentence. "I want to impress the boys? I do not no why." Sing it, sister!
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Sibling Sabotage! 2 of 14
    Sibling Sabotage!
    Claire is kind of screwing Mitch over here. Sure, she's writing to Santa for him but it's all a ploy to look better and get more toys. She totally rats him out! I love how she signed it and then thought better of it and admitted to Santa it wasn't his "sign."
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Bring Batteries! 3 of 14
    Bring Batteries!
    Good call, Dk, good call!
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Do You Go To The Bathroom In People’s Houses? 4 of 14
    Do You Go To The Bathroom In People's Houses?
    Devin is not messing around. He wants the 411 on Santa, pronto!
    Photo credit: timbuktu.met
  • Are You Really Fat? Or Just Dieting? 5 of 14
    Are You Really Fat? Or Just Dieting?
    Deaven is on a mission. I need a photo, a signature and a bell from your sleigh or Rudolph gets it!
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • I Have Been Somewhat Bad… 6 of 14
    I Have Been Somewhat Bad...
    "Somewhat bad." I wonder what we're talking about here? A "C" in math or murdering neighborhood pets? Either way, the kid is honest and understanding. Bonus points!
    Photo credit: buzzfeed.com
  • Can I Be An Elf? 7 of 14
    Can I Be An Elf?
    Wily little kid. Buttering Santa up with that "I like Christmas" bit and not even leaving a "maybe" option.
    Photo credit: Flickr.com/moonlightbulb
  • Just a Little Obsessed 8 of 14
    Just a Little Obsessed
    I'm surprised she didn't ask for Hannah Montana. Or maybe just her ear, Van Gogh style.
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Droid 2 Global Smartphone 9 of 14
    Droid 2 Global Smartphone
    Yvette is all over the technology angle. Oh. And by the way. Bring Ben stuff too.
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • I Have Been Good And Bad 10 of 14
    I Have Been Good And Bad
    Honesty is the best policy. Except I'm dying to know what comes after her confession. WHAT'S BEHIND THE WHITE OUT ? Still, bring Olivia everything, I say! Also, are her brother and sister married? I'm totally confused.
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Turn Me Into A Dragon? 11 of 14
    Turn Me Into A Dragon?
    Or bring me a pet dragon. Either one will do. Love the P.S.
    Photo credit: izismile.com
  • Could You Please Let Me See You? 12 of 14
    Could You Please Let Me See You?
    I know it's my second time asking and all, but dammit, Santa! Hook a kid up already!
    Photo credit: Flickr.com/moonlightbulb
  • Blue Marker? Is Santa A Miracle Worker? 13 of 14
    Blue Marker? Is Santa A Miracle Worker?
    This is dictation from my daughter Violet. We put it in her head that she should ask for a bike and a compter for kids (LeapPad) because we have it on good authority Santa already got them for her. The golden bouncy ball and the new blue marker were her call. Hmmmm... Not sure Santa can swing that one for you, kid. You better be EXTRA good. He knows when you've been bad or good, you know.
    Photo credit:
  • I Will Be Sending Another List 14 of 14
    I Will Be Sending Another List
    That's right, fat boy. I ain't even close to being done. TO BE CONTINUED...
    Photo credit: Flickr.com

You can also find Monica on her personal blog, The Girl Who.

Read more from Monica on Babble:

I Am Beautiful

Baby Mix-Up At Hospital Leads To Wrong Mom Breastfeeding Newborn

80s Flashback! Totally Rad Cartoons (and Theme Songs) You Grew Up With

Top photo credit: Flickr.com/martinak15

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