How Is a Mom Supposed to Look?
Are mothers subject to the same standards as other women?
In Getting a Life, U.K. writer Helen Simpson’s collection of skewering short stories, she describes a group of mothers waiting for their kids at the end of the school day. The moms judge each other—not about their parenting, but about their fingernails. The best mothers, they say, are the ones with the scraggliest hands: who has time for superficial things like manicures when you’re busy with the needs of your needy children?
When my son was tiny, I met another mom of a baby the same age on the street. We chatted, and vented, about the incredible efforts of parenting an infant. Then she said “I’ve even resorted to waxing my own eyebrows!” I was a bit taken aback by this as I had not even registered having eyebrows in the past three months, much less grooming them. Who was this woman who was able to manage her unwanted hair growth and her new baby’s feeding schedule at the same time? Or was I the weirdo because I couldn’t even find the time to look in the mirror?
Are moms supposed to look less together than other women?
At the time, my main thought was that this eyebrow-obsessed mother was clearly not my kind of girl. I must come clean here and acknowledge that I have a rather strong history of “letting myself go” for distractions less altruistic than motherhood. Grad school, book deadlines and bad moods have all been responsible for intermittent lapses in grooming. I didn’t do this deliberately—I just have the kind of mind that tunes out things like fingernails until my attention is called to them, whether it’s by an unexpected scratch or a comparison with a woman who takes all this self-care stuff seriously.
As a kid, I was taught that beauty management was a low priority. My own mom was notoriously nonchalant about her looks when I was growing up. (Not because she was spending that time and energy on me.) I did not appreciate this much back then, but in retrospect I think it was a huge gift. I did not follow in her footsteps entirely, as anyone who has seen my closet and cosmetic collection will attest. I love dressing up. Style as self-expression is hugely important to me. What I learned from my mom, though, is that sometimes, other things are more important than what you look like.
Of course, you say! Who would argue otherwise? No one would say so with words. But the way women spend their time—and their money—tells a slightly different story. So much in media for women is about how gorgeous we can get. When making ourselves beautiful is such a big part of the focus, we start to see time spent on our appearance as central to who we are. Likewise, letting that stuff slide is seen as an example of an unhealthy selflessness. How much of the “me” time mothers claim for themselves is dedicated to making themselves more attractive to others?
Not that it doesn’t feel good to feel pretty, and for many (myself possibly excluded) it feel gross to look ungroomed. The beauty myth has evolved into a kind of reality. Focusing on how we look can feel like a relief compared to the heavier issues we all deal with. And time spent on our appearance does have certain benefits…like other people finding you more attractive. Hey, I love fashion and shopping as much as the next girl. I just can’t always be bothered to put the time and effort into it. And I sometimes look at my closet full of products and wonder whether all that money could have gone to better use. Which is why it’s nice when you have the opportunity to get your hands on some stylish stuff for free via Babble’s sweet Stella and Dot jewelry giveaway going on this week.
Do you find yourself spending less time on your appearance as a mother?
photo: maessive/flickr
The Grit and the Glamour: Why do we wear yoga pants while our daughters wear tutus?
The first year after baby was all about the baby, I admit. I spent my personal time reading, catching up with friends and exercising (so I always more or less look good). It’s only now that my youngest is two and half that I find the time or energy or interest in putting on make-up everyday. And today – nope. Not even lip balm. That said, I do not think women who make lipstick or nail polish a priority are necessarily superficial or lacking in any way. I think those touches are as important to some women as having half an hour to read is to me.
Since the day my baby was born (7 months ago) I have made a point to get my nails done once a month and my eyebrows threaded every two weeks. My baby is not neglected at all during this “me” time. The threading takes 10 min at the mall it is a fast in and out. I am blessed she is fascinated by the nail salon. It is child friendly and she just sits there, smiles, and babbles at the nail technicians. I’ll probably have to give it up once she is walking…. but I’ll take it now. At the end of the day doing these things for myself make me a better wife and mother, be damned what other people think.
this was an inspiring little blog for me so thank you! I have lately been thinking about this and this blog just made it all come out… so thank you! I just wrote a blog as well about the very same subject! (and referred it right back to you!). I think it’s important to take care of yourself and you can forget that when devoting all your time to your kids!
I find that I started putting more time into my appearance after my children were born. Probably wanting to combat that ungroomed mom stereotype.It makes me less stressed to feel like I am somewhat put-together and not always running around in comfy pants and my hubby’s t-shirts. If I could only find the time for the gym! Kind of hard with three kids under 4!
I wouldn’t say I spend less time on my appearance, but I was always the sort who could shower and be out the door in ten minutes flat. I always wear a skirt and a button-down shirt, and I loathe makeup, and I pin my hair up, so it’s a pretty efficient process. I’ve always wondered, though, how mommies who DO have a beauty routine manage to distract their kids long enough to get put together. If I have to get dressed up for some reason, I seem to spend at least an hour chasing my kid to get my lipstick back, or making sure he doesn’t steal the hair dryer and shove it down the toilet, and then I leave the house in my ugly garden shoes and with only one eyelid painted.
On maternity leave with my second son, I began to look at photos of myself only to see – I had really let myself go. I decided since my family was relocating and I would have to appear at job interviews, coming across like a tired, overwhelmed mom probably didn’t inspire confidence in employers. It occurred to me, that looks matter, and I better work on mine.
I’m older than most of you and remember a time when Mummies didn’t have to be Yummy. So much pressure on you, now.
I have two kids, a girl that’ll be 3 in August and a two month old boy. I used to wear make-up before my daughter was born, but when my husband told me he liked me better without make-up I quit wearing it…4 years ago. When I get a free moment to myself without the kids needing something, I sure don’t use it to groom. I spend my free time cleaning the house and paying bills. I’m lucky to get a shower at the end of the day, and it doesn’t bother me one bit. I believe I’ve earned the dark-sleep deprived- circles under my eyes and I have no intentions of covering it up to look better for society. We are mothers, why should we care what other people think of us? We have more important things to think about now. But if you have free time and you feel better about yourself if you do put on make-up, or wax you legs, then by all means go for it. Just don’t do it because you worry how other people look at you.
I was always confounded by women who looked just as perfect with a newborn as they did before. They put on makeup and did their hair while still in the hospital. I, on the other hand, couldn’t do my hair because it was hard enough to finish a shower without my kid screaming for me. In one way, I think it’s that we get babies of different temperments. Their babies, perhaps, allow them more time for those things. But in another way, I think it’s that it was important to them. I certainly found time for the things that were important to me. Now my daughter is 10 months and I find time to put makeup on again. And I feel better and prettier and more put together for it. It’s just eye makeup, but the liner seems to fix those dark circles and tired eyes look. and that makes me more confident. and that makes me happier. I like to make it look ‘easy breezy’.
Our two daughters are four months and three years old. I usually wake up and shove my hair in a bun and wash it every three or four days. I wear a shirt that will be soaked in spit-up by noon and I only seem to wear shoes when I leave the house which isn’t often these days. BUT! I always wear my red lipstick and fancy French underthings. We’re lucky to have relatives who love to take the girls over night every three weeks, so on Date Night, I go all out. It makes me feel good and when I look snazzy, it makes me flirt with the husband more.
I have to confess that I am writing this with a very sexy sinus infection, finally in bed after hosing poo off of the three year-old. I am wearing a hideous ‘laundry day’ ensemble. My roots are ridiculous, but my lips look fantastic. *wink!*
I have an almost 5 month old, and I get a manicure and eyebrow wax once a week, and a pedicure every three weeks. I hadn’t even thought about whether or not a “mom” is supposed to do this. think people who have always been into this type of thing keep it up, and people who are more low matinence (not a bad thing) , well, why would they start now?
Weird article.
I get a mani, pedi, and eyebrow wax every two weeks. I have a 6 month old. I have been doing this since my son was born. My husband watches the baby the 40 minutes it takes when I go to the salon…its really not that big of a deal. I actually never thought about other mom’s judging women who do these things. Seems kind of silly if you ask me.
My kids are 5, 2 and 7mo. My 2 year old and 8mo old DO NOT sleep through the night most nights. My husband works 12 hour graveyard shifts and when he isnt working that job he is working a different one.. so he works 7 days a week. We only have great grandparents who live in town so we dont have sitters..
Most days I dont do my hair or make up or even shower for that matter.. I get my hair done every 4-8 months.
I know the other mothers talk about me “not having it together” because Ive heard them.
I don’t volunteer in my child’s class {husband works to much.} no I can’t take my other children they are sweet but loud and very distracting.
I do spend 90% if not more of my time playing with my kids and doing art with them.. reading them stories..
My house is a wreck.
Most days I wake up and just put clean PJs on..
This is me trying to raise my children I don’t know how other people do it this is just how I do it. Im a good mom.
I’m lucky enough to be a Cosmetician by trade,so I do most of my stuff-otherwise I’d be high maitenance and broke. Having said that, i shaved my head before going in to deliver each of my girls, cut my nails back and shaped them,shaved as I needed to, wore long skirts and dresses and yoga pants.
I now have longer hair I colour myself-still keep the nails short,but they’re a mess, wear makeup when I darned well feel like it-and work full time.My grooming all happens after the girls are asleep. It’s my way of relaxing.But,honestly-if I don’t need to doll up,I’m a total dressed-for-comfort mom.Nothing to prove to anyone.
Hats off to those high-maintenance moms out there, but the reality is EVERY MUMMY IS A YUMMY MUMMY.
When I watch shows like “What Not to Wear”, I’m terrified of the women who let themselves go after having kids. I’m vowing to not let that happen to me. I love wearing making, getting dolled up, and feeling beautiful and put together. It gives me confidence and polish, and I hope to pass that on to my child. I think when a mom neglects herself, she is sending a bad message to her children and to her husband. I think it is definitely possible to maintain yourself and be a wonderful mom. Just think – moms have time to read blogs and comment on them, etc… so you do have free time. It’s all about wise time management and setting priorities.
Why are we always judging each other so negatively??? Being a mother is hard work… really hard!!! And if one mama feels she is better mom for wearing pj’s and taking a shower once a week, then great!! If one mama needs a shower, mani or stilettos to make her a better mom than that is great too… right?? I think the big thing here is we usually are the same person before and after kids to a certain extent… for me I could care less about what other moms wear….
with that said I couldn’t wait to put on some some make-up and a sundress after my son was born…. but then again, I can’t stand to have chipped nail polish either. But I am still a pretty wicked good mom….. I breastfed my son for 17 months and read to him everyday since the day he was born.
I’m in agreement with Michelle. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to take away from this article. That if you’re a mom, and you decide to put a little polish on your nails and thread your eyebrows or put on a little lip gloss and choose the pencil skirt over the sweat pants, your priorities are whacked? Taking a little time for yourself, instead of counting all of the things you forego, means something is wrong? I really hope that wasn’t what I was supposed to think by the end of the article, although it’s the only thing I can think of now.
My mum was also low maintenance when I was growing up – she still is. But when I was a baby/toddler she was stunning with an amazing tanned, toned figure through simply cycling everywhere and living in the Caribbean. I felt like a blobby, pasty whale after having my son. I am a 29 year old female and yes I wear makeup and like fashion and exercise to stay fit – this pregnancy I have kept it up all the way through and intend to keep up a low maintenance regime post birth. I think this time round I don’t feel so much like I’m changing from Megan to mother – I’m still me and this is who I am. I have friends who moan and say “I’m fatter than you and less trendy and you’re a mum” – like somehow I should be a massive unfashionable bloated mess simply because I have given birth.
I had my daughter when I was 18. I’m 19 now and my daughter is 7 months old. I have always worn make-up (just eye liner and powder foundation) but I specifically stopped when I was pregnant and the first few months of my daughter’s life just so people wouldn’t think I was more worried about my looks than my baby. I hate that society thinks I’m a bad mother because of my age.
I still wear the same clothes I did before I got pregnant and wear make up at least a few times a week. If I’m just picking up some things at the grocery store, then I don’t feel the need to wear it. But if I’m going to work or college, I think I should at least wear my powder foundation so my face doesn’t look greasy. And I’ve never really did my nails, or did anything extra with my hair. I cut it every 2 years and donate a foot to locks of love and I might get it colored maybe once a year anywhere in the range of my normal hair color. I grow my nails out to a medium-long length and file/cut them when needed. I haven’t painted them for like a year now. I pluck my eye brows twice a week. And I shower at least every other day.
I look the same as I always have except now I’m carrying a baby and a diaper bag. She is very loved and taken care of by both of her parents even though I spend like 10 minutes a day on my looks. I’m sure it would be more difficult to keep up with my looks if I had more kids. And that’s why I have an IUD!
I am a mother of two and just like all the moms who made comments about this article, I do everything for my kids as well. My family is my priority. However, having said that, I also take care of myself. I treat myself to a pedicure once a month. I also go out with my girlfriends once a month. And my husband and I always try to find ways to have a date at least once a month. Taking care of yourself is not vanity. I firmly believe that if I am taking care of my kids, my husband and managing the house, why can’t I do the same for myself? Even when I was pregnant, I always looked nice. Dont’ get me wrong. I don’t splurge or go shopping or squander our budget. However, if I take my kids shopping so they can look nice, don’t we as moms deserve to look nice as well? Treating ourselves to a haircut, pedicure, girls’ night out, date with our hubbies, massage or just some alone time doesn’t make us bad or irresponsible mothers.
I haven’t ‘let myself go’ as some may call it. I still do my make-up, a routine that only takes 5-10 mins in the morning while my daughter watches Baby Einstein. Other than that though, I no longer do things just for me. Before I had my daughter I loved to shop and eat out, coffee dates with the girls, I loved my Starbucks lattes. But those things don’t matter when you have kids, all of our money goes to her now and she has the best of all we can give her. I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for me, or did my nails. I don’t have to worry about doing my hair because I wear a hijab. My daughter is now 15 months and I just started doing things for me, which is three times a week going to the gym for 2 hours. Other than that, we have never spent time apart, even for a minute. It’s been her and I every second of every day, and we couldn’t be happier!
I have three kids twin 4 year olds, and a 11 month old. I work full time nights and my husband is in school all day long. I have ALWAYS had my nails done ( by myself) much cheaper.. but before i had the twins i never wore makeup.. i was always considred.. my fathers only SON ( i have 8 sisters :p) i wasnt really into the hole * girl* thing.. untill after i had the twins.. i realised that if i took 30 mins to do my hair/makeup/nails what ever it maybe.. i felt alot better.. and was a bit happier..
my hubby says he loves me with or without.. but its what I want to do.. i always idolized the moms who were * fixed perfect* i just never strived to be like that.. after having my youngest. i have went to the salon 5 times.. in the last three months.. totally changed my hair nails ect.. the hole nine yards.. my hubby almost died when i got home.. haha the kids kept saying mom what happend to you.. your diffrent.. ahaha i said mom was bored with her old look.. this is the new and improved.. momma who is done laboring kids.. lol this is the woman .. that was always there..
My family and I moved back to the town we went to college in when our youngest was 6 weeks old. When he was 3 months old I went back to my part time job dealing blackjack 2 days a week, when my hubby was off. I wear jeans, a blue polo, and my hair is always pulled up. I rarely see my coworkers outside of work, I’m usually hanging out at home with the boys. A couple weeks ago I had an opportunity to go out with some of them on a night off, I had a big day of doctors appointments and school visits before hand so I met them after my husband got home, I didn’t get a chance to change, I was wearing capri’s, a white tee, and a loose knit vest, my hair was down and I had a pair of pink toms on. Nothing I thought was super incredible, but all of them were just blown away by how I looked. We changed the subject quickly but it left me thinking the same question, “what’s a mom supposed to look like?
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