How I Kept the Baby Weight On
The post-pregnancy body plan that really works
It’s one of the biggest shocks of new motherhood: you look in the mirror post-delivery and see a horrifying reflection. The weight you gained during pregnancy from that extra human growing inside you is suddenly gone! Your pre-pregnancy jeans are too big, your stomach’s never looked firmer, and you can’t seem to find any rolls on your back! Face it, you say to your impossibly lithe reflection. You’re just a thin lady with big boobs.
I understand. It’s a problem many of us new moms face. It’s easy to be discouraged when the baby weight you just assumed you’d keep literally drops off your body overnight. But all those miserably trim moms out there should take heart, because I found a way to keep the weight on. I, too, once faced the uphill battle against weight loss, but here I am, the proud mom of a newborn, sporting a belly that still appears to be in its second trimester!
you to gain weight,
right now.
I’m no super-woman. I just worked hard and kept on track with a clear, methodical plan to retain all the pounds I gained during my pregnancy. A few tips:
Stay Positive
Don’t feel discouraged by the media’s constant pressure to gain the baby weight back immediately. Everything takes time! Each week, tabloids show us post-partum celebrities who defy biology, genetics, and physical reality to obtain that perfect zaftig shape a week after giving birth. Remember that these women are not like regular exhausted, spit-up-covered, leaky-boobed new moms; they have fleets of nannies to care for the baby while their trainers and personal chefs work on keeping them from losing that baby weight! You just had a baby, so give yourself a break. We can’t all be slightly overweight immediately after birth!
Stick to a Meal Plan
Work with your nursing body’s incredible, seriously-I’ve-never-been-so-hungry ravenousness, then push yourself to maximize calories. You may only feel like having an entire lasagna with a side of pizza at 2:00 a.m. as you stand before the open refrigerator, contemplating your fourth meal. But push yourself just a bit further: why not add some ice cream and Halloween candy to the mix? You’re stronger than you think!
Exercise
Take advantage of the brief moments in which you are not physically connected to a newborn who depends on you for its every need to focus on what’s really important: your weight! Try this 3-step routine: 1) Watch famous post-partum actresses on red carpets talk about how their bodies miraculously returned to full-figured perfection without any work, 2) eat your emotions, 3) repeat. We know it’s difficult to carve out time with a new baby around, but trust us — it’s worth it.
Motivate Yourself
Remember how I told you to stay positive by ignoring the media? I need to change that slightly: you should actually compare yourself to celebrity moms and pretend they’re just regular people. Regular people judging you! Doesn’t judgment motivate you? Doesn’t being criticized for the way your body looks make you want to work harder in a positive, not at all “GET OFF MY BACK I JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A HUMAN BEING AND I HAVEN’T SHOWERED OR SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I WILL CUT YOU” kind of way? Doesn’t it make you want to go right over to the refrigerator, weeping, and devour an entire tub of potato salad? I thought so. Great work; you’re on your way!
Keep Your Priorities Straight
You have a new baby at home who needs you to be the best, most loving mom you can be, and it’s essential to keep things in perspective when it comes to healthy weight gain. Your baby is what’s important. And what your baby wants is for you to gain weight, right now. Maybe you suspect that obsessing over your post-baby body uses up mental and physical energy that could be better spent on your child. Wrong! That’s the kind of thinking that made you lose all that weight in the first place, you skinny idiot! Your baby wants you to obsess over this stuff.
I know all of these tips can seem overwhelming, but I’m here to tell you that getting your body back to pudgy perfection is possible. Just remember, there is nothing more important for a new mom than achieving a totally arbitrary standard of beauty. Happy gaining!
* Note: I am not a medical professional, just a mom trying to tip the scales.
Love it! Thank you!
OK, for the first paragraph I got kinda happy that for once there was an article that I could relate to. Then by the second paragraph I realized all the satire that had not yet registered.
Whatever!!
I just loved this post! I’ve been battling with weight loss or the lack of it, and this post truly made my day.
Thanks! I’m so glad you liked it!
Haha, ladies, ladies. This is no mystery, this weight gain thing. It begins with Hagan Daaz and Donuts. It ends with murderous intentions on your scale. Don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it in no time.
Haha this is one of the best articles I’ve seen on babble for a while! 
Thanks for the gentle “sarcastic” reminder that nobody’s perfect and we’re all working on making peace with our waistlines!
Excellent article. I must say that I had to laugh at the shake weights, the miracle pills, and the toning shoes when they all came out, but I did fall into the trap of the more crunches the better and I soon figured out it wasn’t working. (and yes, a sore back). But the biggie for me is the marathon training sessions. Every day I would do my stair stepper for at least 3 hours and up to 5 or 6 hours per day. Plus I would walk on my treadmill. I thought it was working, I was very thin, my bones were sticking out because along with all of this exercise, I didn’t eat much at all, maybe 400 calories a day and a lot of that was celery. Actually I do like celery (plain) so it is a good snack for me now. Some days I would forget to eat. My Husband was not happy with me at all but I was thinking that the thinner I am, the better everything would be. As if that wasn’t sad enough, here comes the sad part of this story. I started to eat and since I started eating, I started gaining weight and I was hating myself for gaining weight so I started drinking a couple drinks everyday because, yep, it made me feel better. This lasted for months. ENOUGH OF THIS INSANITY!!!!! I finally figured out what I need to do to get into shape and lose everything I gained while I was feeling good through the booze. I have been reading all of your articles along with others and you have helped me realize what I need to do. I have started eating a little every few hours and some exercise every day, no more than 2 hours between the treadmill and stepper and we have a weight machine that I workout on every other day for about 30 minutes. (now that it’s hunting season I’m slacking off on exercise, but I like that super lean deer meat, great protein, very low fat and tastes great). My jeans are already feeling looser on me and I’ve only been eating this way for a week. By the way, I quit drinking all that booze. I now know that booze will go to your belly for that gross belly fat, and no surprise, but that’s where all of my fat is now. I look like I’m pregnant. But thanks to You and a great big huge thanks that is, I am able to get this right now. Sorry for the book but I want you to know how much you have inspired me and taught me to do this RIGHT. Time goes too fast as it is, but I am looking forward to Feb/March. I should have lost everything I want to lose and be in much better shape. Thanks again for all of your help and please keep up the great work.