You get home from work and your spouse asks you how your day was so you tell them. You tell them everything. You walk them through each and every detail from the moment you sat down to check your emails to the cesar salad you had for lunch. The highs and lows of your day are all revisited moments after you walk through the door. As you finish telling them everything that happened ending it with, “Can you believe that?” You pause wondering why you just gave them a play by play of your day. They asked but apparently they didn’t really want to know because if they did they would be listening.
It can be pretty frustrating when you are trying to have a conversation with someone who is physically with you but mentally they are someplace else. And perhaps they have mentally checked out for a good reason. How many times have you done the same, not intentionally, but because you had something on your mind? But imagine experiencing this while being intimate with your partner.
According to Your Tango expert, Lynn Marie Lumiere, mindfulness is critical when it comes to connecting with your partner during lovemaking. According to Lumiere most people aren’t present during this time and instead are “thinking about other things or getting lost in a fantasy.” It’s understandable, the laundry isn’t going to get washed by itself and you’ve got major work deadlines to meet, oh and then there are the other 500 things that make an appearance on your to-do list, but by failing to actually be present while intimate with your spouse you could be harming your relationship.
When you are thinking of a million other things you are missing out on fully taking in the moment and enjoying the “whole process.” This takes us away from being present with our lover and from feeling every touch and sensation. As a result, according to Lumiere your sex life can become “stale, repetitive and empty.” Also, being goal-oriented (the climax), can take us away from being in the now with the whole process. By choosing to be present it allows sex to stay meaningful.
Lumiere notes that we aren’t living in the past or the future. We are living in the now and it is then that we “truly connect” and experience “true intimacy.” For those of us who struggle with mindfulness in various aspects of our lives, Lumiere suggests giving it some practice outside of the bedroom. For example, while washing dishes you can make an effort not to just focus on the process but to be aware of things such as how the water feels. “We can all stop and be present for a moment before thoughts take us away again,” says Lumiere. Once you get better at being mindful outside the bedroom she encourages you to give it a try in the bedroom.
As a person who constantly has one hundred thoughts on my mind ranging from all the things I need to do, the fact that it is likely the baby will wake us as soon as I fall asleep and how I should have fought the urge to eat that cupcake before bed, mindfulness is no easy feat. It is easy to get lost in our thoughts ranging from things that are critical to things that aren’t really all that important but still manage to prevent us from being fully present. For those of us who have made an effort to unplug from our cell phones more often, Lumiere’s advice encourages us to take things a step further. Because what good is it to put the phone down if while with your spouse, all you can think about is whether or not you remembered to respond to that email and what you are going to get your mom for her birthday?
Lumiere believes that your time in the bedroom will be more enjoyable and your relationship with your spouse deeper if you make the decision to practice mindfulness. Sounds like a great argument for making more of an effort to be present. For more on this expert insight visit Your Tango.
What are your thoughts on mindfulness? How do you unplug and practice being emotionally present in the bedroom?
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