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    The Humble Brag: The 10 worst offenses of online parent gloating Ah, the “humble brag.” While pretending we’re embarrassed about how blessed we are has probably happened since the dawn of man, the Internet, Twitter and Facebook have turned gloating into its own art form. These days, the humble brag has become ubiquitous.  Parenting forums are overloaded with parents seeking "advice" for their talented children, status updates complain about burdens most of us would love to have. While I understand that all of us — even the inordinately blessed — need some reassurance now and then, I also know I’m muttering at my screen a lot lately. In an effort to stop, I’ve culled a few of the worst offenders from my feed, and added the response I’d like to post. Here they are, in no particular order.

  • The Humble Brag 2 of 12

    1: "My 19-month-old won’t stop talking. It is driving me crazy!"

    The Humble Brag: I'm my 19-month-old won't stop talking.  It is driving me crazy!

    Really? Define crazy. Because I’m pretty sure that even from here, I can see you shudder with delight over each “word” he says, be it “ball” or “ba .”

  • The Humble Brag 3 of 12

    2: "My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day."

    The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day

    That must be really hard for you! I felt similarly when my husband forgot the day altogether.

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    3: "I was so sick during my pregnancy.  I only was able to gain 10 pounds!"

    The Humble Brag: My husband is so thoughtless.  He had his secretary buy me a Tiffany's bracelet for Mother's Day How horrible! You must have lost all your baby weight within the first two weeks! I, on the other hand, gained 50, so I was able to work it off for months and months.

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    4: "Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I'm not ready to potty-train!"

    The Humble Brag: Help! My 18-month-old insists on pooping in the potty, and I'm not ready to potty-train!

    Poor you, you must really miss wiping poopy bottoms. Maybe he will have an accident — cross your fingers! 

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    5: "I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents. What will I do without them?"

    The Humble Brag: I just dropped my children off for a week at the grandparents.  What will I do without them? I can think of a few things: Sleep in, eat in peace, read a book without pictures, watch television shows other than Curious George and Super Why … should I keep going? Fine. Get a mani-pedi, get a bottle of wine, have sex in the living room …

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    6: "I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens' nanny.  I can't help that I look so young."

    The Humble Brag: I am so tired of being asked if I am my childrens' nanny.  I can't help that I look so young. You’re right, that totally sucks. On the other hand, giving birth aged me four years in just fourteen hours. Which sucks more.

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    7: "My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?"

    The Humble Brag: My 2-month-old already sleeps through the night.  Should I be waking her to nurse?

    Are you kidding me? Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep must be really taxing on you! You should book a massage.

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    8: "Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can't even go grocery shopping in peace!"

    The Humble Brag: Whenever I take my child anywhere, strangers always stop us to admire her.  I can't even go grocery shopping in peace!
    Maybe you should try having her wear a ski mask. I hear that this look is coming back with the toddler crowd.

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    9: "How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?"

    The Humble Brag: How do I support my best friend whose toddler is developmentally delayed, when my own is so advanced?

    Well, for starters, you should be sure to always mention your child’s milestones whenever you get together, and announce her superior abilities on every technological medium available. Other mothers love that!

  • The Humble Brag 11 of 12

    10: "My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing."

    The Humble Brag: My husband is really annoying me.  He wants to be so involved in the child rearing.

    I know, right?! Last weekend, after 18 holes of golf, my husband insisted on putting the girls to bed! SO ANNOYING.

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