Warning: Easily Distracted
How I cope with my husband’s ADHD
Driving back from the evening exercise class I teach, I’m feeling more scared than relieved to finally get home. Will the house be destroyed after I’ve been gone a mere two hours? Will my daughter be bathed and ready for bed, or wide awake, covered in spaghetti? When I’m not home, these are often the things I wonder about — because my husband has a problem. Or should I say, our family does.
The man I married is a 28-year-old, hardworking father of one. He is kind and considerate and one of the most generous people you could ever hope to meet. I’m the lucky person that gets to call him my husband. But he also has severe Attention-deficit Hyperactivity Disorder — ADHD for short — and this has led to challenges in our family that we’re still learning to face.
As someone who’s suffered from mild ADHD since high school, I’ve suspected this for years now. I’ve always known the symptoms, but when I really started becoming concerned about my husband’s dwindling attention span, I did some research to refresh my own (often) short-term memory. According to WebMD, a person with ADHD may exhibit all or some of the following symptoms: difficulty paying attention to details; a tendency to make careless mistakes; becoming easily distracted by things others can easily ignore; forgetfulness in daily activities; procrastination. There isn’t one thing on this list that hasn’t been a constant in my husband’s life from what he has told me, and they’re now all constants in mine, too.
When we first started dating, I didn’t mind that things were a bit chaotic, but I also didn’t have a daughter to take care of. The lost keys, running out of gas, constantly running late — they were all part of the person with whom I had become so infatuated. Maybe some of that chaos is what drew me toward him in the first place. He had this sort of “whatever” attitude, which was likeable, yet now I’ve come to realize it’s his defense mechanism for something he can’t quite control. I could totally relate to the attitude. In fact, it was mine in high school whenever things got hard. But knowing I had to work harder than normal to pay attention, I’d somehow learned to function by reminding myself to refocus as an adult. Though my husband hasn’t had a formal diagnosis from a specialist yet, a therapist we’ve began seeing to talk over these issues has confirmed our suspicion: no, he isn’t just the most forgetful person on the east coast, he’s just showing some common symptoms in adult ADHD.
In the three years since we’ve had our daughter, things have often become difficult to manage. While I’m already caring for one toddler full time, I sometimes feel like I’m picking up the pieces of someone else’s half-finished tasks far too often. But his intentions are good, which makes it hard to get angry (although sometimes it’s inevitable). He wants to help with dishes, laundry, and, most importantly, our sweet girl. But frequently it seems that for every bit of help he gives, 15 other things fall out of place in the process.
There have been times when he’s left our front door wide open while we were out for an entire day. He’s left the hose running all night, creating a swamp in our next-door neighbor’s yard. He’s impulsive with our finances, occasionally spending too much money on a night out with friends when I’m not there to do damage control. Things like locking his keys in the car or forgetting his phone and wallet generally happen weekly, or bi-weekly, if we’re lucky. And his frustration level when he makes a mistake is typically that of a small child’s; he spins into a self-deprecating temper tantrum that makes me want to close my eyes and cover my ears (and I often do).
Now that our daughter is becoming more aware, I’m worried about what these constant occurrences and our arguments are teaching her. I don’t want her to see his actions, or my reactions, and think that this kind of chaos is a normal way of life. I certainly don’t want her to replicate it. I’m also concerned about her safety; of course I trust my husband and I’m not afraid to leave him home alone with our daughter, but I do worry that it is a bigger struggle for him than it should be. I’ve seen him do things carelessly on impulse that could be potentially dangerous. If I didn’t pick his tools up and put them out of reach or shriek in the car when he drifts into the other lane because he’s distracted by something out the window, I’m not sure what would happen. Honestly, I’m not sure if my nerves can take any more excitement.
While I realize it sounds like I’m keeping a running tab of all my husband’s faults, that’s really not the case at all. In fact, what used to be anger at his mistakes has turned into guilt for not offering to help sooner. Since he’s never been treated for his ADHD, my husband has spent his whole life letting his issues break his confidence, never fully understanding what was wrong or why he couldn’t focus. My concern is that he doesn’t have much peace in his life at this time. After all, he has to work twice as hard to maintain things that other people do with ease. I want him to be present for our daughter, not constantly distracted by ten unfinished tasks, what’s going on across the street, or the thoughts floating around in his head.
It’s taken two and a half years since these difficulties became more apparent to me, but, after many screaming matches and misunderstandings, we finally realized it was time to seek help. The fact that my husband has been living this way for 28 years makes me fear that it will be more difficult for him to change now that he’s set in his ways. Though I don’t want him to be medicated, I know that might be a necessary step in the process, and I am hopeful that modern therapies can help him get a handle on his ADHD, for our family’s sake. I want him to learn the skills he needs for us to function together as a unit, rather than working against one another each and every day.
My husband has severe ADHD as well. He was diagnosed in college and has been on medication since then (he’s now 30). He’s so dependent on the Adderall, it scares me. It inhibits his ability to eat and sleep, so he has to take all kinds of extra medications, like sleeping pills and anti-anxiety drugs, just to deal with the side effects. It has become a huge issue between us, because I just want him to try alternate forms of therapy. We have many of the same problems you described, like his extreme impulse spending for one. He also has a lot of trouble keeping jobs.
We don’t have children yet, but are planning to start trying in the next few months. Of course I’m so excited to start a family, but I can’t imagine all the new struggles that will arise once we become parents. Thanks so much for sharing. It’s nice to hear about others working through the same thing and it’s great that you are seeking help.
Thanks for your comment, Victoria! I also took adderall for a short time in high school and luckily hated the feeling. It can be so addictive, though, like you said. Just talking about the problems and having a go-to plan for how to deal with some of these things has already helped him to refocus (at times). We all have varying attention spans and personalities and things to overcome to be effective parents but being aware is, I think, a HUGE piece of the puzzle. Best of luck to you and your husband!
Adderall is not the only medication out there. There is also concerta as well as others. If you work with your Doctor you can find the one that works best for you.
“difficulty paying attention to details; a tendency to make careless mistakes; becoming easily distracted by things others can easily ignore; forgetfulness in daily activities; procrastination., lost keys, running out of gas, constantly running late ” Hollywood has made billions with movies that portray men doing exactly what you describe. Girl, you need to wake up and find a real man, a good man, ADHD be damned.
I personally have never been on any medications for ADHD, but I have dealt with anti-depressants. I know it is kind of an apples to oranges comparison, but my therapist and doctor had a really helpful example for me while I was on them. I had issues with feeling shame about needing anti-depressants, and they explained that if I was diabetic I wouldn’t have a problem with the medicine needed for that. I’m not currently on anything right now, but I am considering going back to them for the extra boost I apparently need. I still don’t necessarily like the idea of being on them again, but if it’s something I need that helps me, I think it’s ok. Medication isn’t always an evil thing. It just takes working with your doctor to make sure you find something that helps and not hinders. I went through several anti-depressants before we found one that worked best for me. I wish you guys success in finding something that works for you both, whether it includes medication or not!!!
It’s not a question of just medicating… it’s all about finding the right medication. You don’t choose not to medicate high blood pressure just because of side effects, you find the right medication and as well as change your lifestyle and health habits. The same goes for ADHD. I was diagnosed at the age of 38 just after my daughter was diagnosed. Most of my life I suffered from feelings like “there must be a better way to do things” and “why can’t I just relax and unwind, like others do”. I however managed to build strategies to make everyday life easier, especially with kids. I consider my ADHD to be a personality quirk that makes me who I am. I have had the energy to work, have a family and kids and continue my studies in the evenings. I am currently doing my PhD and take Concerta on days when I need to sit still and listen to lectures etc. Other days I just make sure I organise my life so that there is time to reflect on what I need to do, how and when. I make lists upon lists and make sure I actually follow them. It takes discipline but then I have the best of both worlds… Unlimited amounts of energy on my medicine free days and peace and calm on the days I choose to medicate.
Wow I’m reading my life right here. I’ve been dealing with my husbands ADHD for over 10 years. When he doesn’t take his medicine I can not be in the same house. There are some things you named that I didn’t even link to his ADHD. I can totally understand everything you’re saying and you made me feel so much better knowing I’m not the only one.
ADHD, if left untreated, will destroy your marriage. my undiagnosed & untreated ADHD ran rampant in my life for 35 years, destroying every romantic relationship in its path. your statement about having mild ADHD “since high school” is curious, since an actual diagnosis requires that symptoms be present since elementary school age.
i was medicated for the first time, as a mother, after my teenaged son was diagnosed. the first thing i remember about my first dose of adderall XR was, “wow…so this is what a peaceful brain ~sounds~ like.”
for the first time since early childhood i could focus & concentrate on things that would’ve normally bored me to tears. my work performance increased & i went back to college. i felt like a normal human being. please don’t deprive your husband of the enormous improvement in attitude, aptitude, mental & emotional capacity, & countless abilities unrealized bc of a stigma you may (?) harbor towards meds. the price you pay may well be your marriage itself.
i can relate to all those things your husband does, & medication has helped me tremendously. my heart just breaks for anyone going through what he’s going through, because it only leads to other co-morbid conditions. because my ADHD was caught so late, I’d also developed major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, & OCD tendencies.
your daughter will likely inherit the condition, just as my son inherited it from me. the good news is, she can grow up seeing a dad managing his symptoms well instead of stumbling through a life filled with countless obstacles & frustration.
be well & good luck; Godspeed to your husband!
my son is ADD and medicine didn’t really help. However, from what I have been reading diet is a BIG part of helping ADD.
Remove all processed foods and add in many good fat foods, avocado, raw nuts – especially macadamina nuts, coconut oil, olive oil (not extra virgin).
ADD is in many cases (not all of course) your body’s reaction to something that is missing. While the medical community would like everyone to believe that it is a chemical imbalance, so they can make tons of money, real whole food may work better or at least reduce the dosage of medicine one has to take.