By now you’ve probably heard the news that Pope Benedict XVI will resign at the end of the month, leaving him once again plain old Joey Ratzinger. The Internet is abuzz over who should become the next Pope: will it be a young man this time? An Irishman finally? Beyonce?
No. It will be Poprah.
Or so hopes Twitter user _itsbennett, who designed an amazinglarious image of Oprah as Pope (left). When I saw Her Excellency in those beautiful papal earrings, I knew this vision of Poprah must be made manifest.
Imagine how the Catholic Church would transform if Oprah were Pope! My friend Jane Shields says, “She would be awesome at taking people’s confessions. She’d say, “I did that, too!,” and then they would hug and cry.” Think about a Church hierarchy filled with Black Cardinals: Iyanla Vanzant, Maya Angelou, Tyler Perry. The music might even get good!
Here’s what else my friends, Jane and Audrey Holden, and I think would happen if Oprah were Pope:
Every mass would end in a giveaway. 1 of 7You get a new Popemobile! You get a new Popemobile! You get a new Popemobile! You get a new Popemobile! YOU ALL GET NEW POPEMOBILES!
The Church might lighten up about homosexuality. 2 of 7As long as people were willing to refer to their partner as their "friend."
Papal wear would get a makeover. 3 of 7Magaschoni is so divine!
Nate Berkus would have a field day in the Vatican. 4 of 7I'm thinking zebra print to pop off all the red velvet. And of course some pieces from nature to remind us that God is everywhere.
Dr. Phil would make sure every abuse victim got an apology. 5 of 7Unlike Benedict.
Dr. Oz would make the Eucharist more nutritious. 6 of 7Audrey says, "She'd have Dr. Oz all up in the Vatican trying to tell you how cathartic a Holy Water cleanse is!"
DENIED 7 of 7Suze Orman would trim the gold candlestick budget and suggest the Church redirect those funds to the poor.
All photos via Wikipedia unless otherwise indicated.
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