Introducing the World's First Over-the-Counter DNA Paternity Test

Bad news for Maury Povich.

Courtesy of the “World’s First Over-the-Counter DNA Paternity Test,” finding out who the real father of your child is takes but a quick trip to Walgreens.

The test is called Identigene, and its logo is reminiscent of a pack Marlboro Reds.  (Because guys who walk out on pregnant chicks don’t drink decaf or smoke Camel Lights.)  Using a collection method not unlike CASH4GOLD, “this kit makes DNA testing easy: just collect your samples, mail in a check for lab fees and in 3-5 days, test results will come in the mail.”  If you play your chromosome pairs right, a child-support check might arrive a few weeks later.

But DNA testing is not all fun and games.  A visit to the Identigene website reveals its involvement with the ABC reality show, “Find My Family.”  They bill it as “a heartwarming series that discovers lost family ties,” reuniting adoptees with their birth families.  But as SD blogger Paula has written, not all adoptees want to be found by their birth relatives.  I know the feeling.  Though I’m not an adoptee in the traditional sense, as I mentioned yesterday, I’ve never met my biological father, and his parental rights were terminated when I was very young.  My mother married the man I came to know as Dad when I was 7, and he legally adopted me shortly thereafter.

When I was 15, headed to the prom for the first time, the phone rang just as I was walking out the door to pick up my date’s boutonniere.  It was my biological father, who just called to say I love you, or something like it.  That kind of out-of-the-blue greeting from a man who, as my mother says, didn’t even have the decency to attend the custody hearing that was scheduled after he showed up drunk to my elementary school and tried to kidnap me is, well, shocking, you might say.

So here’s what I don’t get.  If a woman is unsure who the father of her child is, chances are she’s either not in a relationship with him, or she is and she cheated on him with another man.  In both of those scenarios, there might be some – como se dise? – bad blood.  In that case, I imagine a court-ordered paternity test would be necessary.  What I’m saying is, who really finds themselves in need of an over-the-counter paternity test?  If you’ve got a man in your life that is so understanding he’s willing to take an over-the-counter paternity test, just tell him he’s the father and keep him, girl!  That is, until you get a call from Maury.

Image: Identigene

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