Judging the Childless
A recent essay by Lilit Marcus in the New York Post voices an opinion that, judging by the comments and websites like STFU Parents, is shared by many. The author asks the question: Why do you think I’m weird just because I don’t want children?
The somewhat long piece goes in a few other directions as well. Parents who don’t want to change their lives once they have children are bashed (I don’t entirely disagree, although the Post piece makes some wide generalizations), and the phrase “adamant leftist atheists” is used (always a good conversation starter). “When people insist on having a kid but refuse to accept any of the sacrifices that go along with doing so, they’re being selfish while trying to pass themselves off as saintly just for reproducing.” That sort of thing.
But it does raise the topic of folks with kids who judge the childless. I talked about it on Babble Talk Radio on July 17 (at the start of the show, before the interview starts). I was responding to a commenter on Famecrawler who said, in response to the idea that Janet Jackson might raise her brother’s kids, “If she was maternal as suggested here, she would not be a single, childless, woman at age 43.” My response to that is “oh please.” There are any number of reasons why someone might not have children. They might have tried and failed, in which case it could be rather mean to press the issue. But they also may have simply decided not to breed. So what?
I’m not going to cast myself as perfect. If I meet someone who doesn’t have kids, especially if they’re married, the question of why certainly comes up in my mind. I generally stick with a variation of the rule that I use when asking a woman if she’s pregnant — if you’re not 110% certain she is, don’t mention it. And I’m somewhat surprised when people I don’t know very well (or at all) feel very comfortable asking me “are you planning to have more children?” I think it’s a very personal decision that doesn’t need to be discussed with strangers.
Maybe this is different for women, as Ms. Marcus suggests.
I’m curious — do you look at people who of a certain age who are childless and ask them why? Is it different for women than it is for men? Whether you do or not, does “society” judge the childless and find them wanting? Let us know what you think. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you.
Source: NY Post
Image: STFU Parents
Follow Brett Singer on Twitter at twitter.com/brettsinger, and listen to Babble Talk Radio every week
If I meet a woman who is 40+ without kids, I wonder, but I don’t ask. I’ve had lots of conversations with people in their 40s and beyond in which the topic of kids comes up naturally and many women say upfront why they don’t (“couldn’t” or never met the right guy or too invested in work… etc.)
Not really. I always wanted kids, and it’s hard for me to imagine my life without them, but honestly it’s almost easier to explain why one would *not* want them. I mean, they’re expensive, they’re loud, they’re tons of work, and they may grow up to hate you. The benefits are almost all intangible, and if someone else decides to create other kinds of relationships or experience other kinds of joy instead of getting what I get out of my relationship with my kids, well, that doesn’t make them weird, that just makes them not-me.
I can honestly say I don’t wonder. It’s just another choice…Having kids is no longer a given in this age of birth control!
I think mothers in general are very judgemental about almost everything. I don’t know if it’s just a carryover from constantly watching your children and trying to bring them up the way they think they should be brought up or what. Obviously this is a huge generalization but mother’s seem to judge a lot re: SAHM vs working moms; how people keep house; how people discipline their children etc… It seems like mom’s seem to think they’re doing it right and anyone who deviates from that standard is doing it in a way that could be better with a little instruction/criticism. Not true 100% of the time, but definitely more than 70% of the time.
@diera – I agree. Much easier to tell someone why not. It has to be something you want to do but I have to admit that it’s difficult to explain why.
@GP – I completely agree that it’s just another choice. I also have to admit to being a bit of a yenta, so the thought does occur to me. But really, I think it’s far better if someone who doesn’t want to have kids actually DOESN’T HAVE KIDS, rather than goes ahead and has them anyway.
I honestly could not care less. Kids are tough, and they are a huge commitment, so I can see why you might decide not to have them. Not everyone has to do everything. However, I do hate it when people without kids assume I’m judging them and decide to judge me first. Existing in the world means occasionally dealing with kids, and having kids does not mean giving up the option of morning coffee/farmers markets/clothing from stores other than target.
@g8grl – I think those judgements stem from guilt and pressure over their own choices. I agree that it’s destructive and silly, but I feel the pressure too. Being a parent is scary, and you always feel like you could be doing something better.
I think a lot of my wondering is due to the fact that I know LOTS of women who “could not” (loosely defined depending on their era) have children and live with a bit of wistfulness every day. Regret fascinates me (my own included.) Sounds voyeuristic, I suppose.
Mothers i’ve met are the most boring judgmental people sometimes. Then they can also be the most caring and understand. Its like they are manic. I tend to not hang out with many mothers, the topics are of discussion make my brain go to mush. It seems they are trapped in their own world. Luckily my two good friends do not want children. Plus we talk about things in the world instead of what we saw on oprah. Im mean!
No, I don’t. I’ve always loved kids, was a camp counselor, etc. It was an obvious choice for me to have kids. But I don’t assume that everyone would want to make the same choices. My kids have two aunts that don’t want kids and they are fantastically wonderful aunts. They have a very special place in my childrens’ hearts, and I know things would be quite different if their aunts had kids of their own. People want different things out of life–that’s what makes things interesting!
I have 4 younger sisters, three of them married and none have children. In fact only one has ever said she might want a baby or adopt someday. I think this is a good idea for them. They are busy people with happy lives. They do not feel they need children, bio or adopted, to feel complete. One of them was a Nanny for ten years so she already raised two kids to adulthood. I did not become a parent until I was 38 years old and really was too busy before then to even think about it. It is not for everyone.
Some people just prefer not to have kids, and that’s fine. I don’t care if it’s because of health reasons, financial reasons, or because they just don’t like kids. This world takes all kinds, and we’re all doing the right thing when we follow our hearts.
I think there’s a difference between wondering why and judging them for it. I would never say anything to anyone, but I have wondered occasionally too – and then let the thought go out of my head.
That said, I have always said it’s better for people to KNOW they don’t want children and make that decision for themselves. If you don’t want kids, it doesn’t make you a bad person – it’s when you don’t want kids, have them anyway and treat them like crap that you have a problem!
I’ve heard men and women get judged pretty harshly for not having kids after being married a while. I remember a guy friend being asked, at work no less, “Hey man… shooting blanks?” And upon the pregnancy news of another couple who had waited several years before trying, another guy at work wondered aloud if they had to utilize fertility treatments. My husband and I waited until we were married 8 years before trying to conceive… I can only imagine what was said about us.
Unless the woman is a very maternal person who loves kids, I don’t wonder why she doesn’t have any. People make a lot of choices in their lives and for some people kids aren’t in the cards, for whatever reason. I have several friends who choose to remain childless, and I respect their choice. Just because I have kids and they don’t does not make me in any way better, and it is no reason for us not to be friends provided we can respect each other’s lifestyle. I also have friends who do not share my views on religion, politics, movies, pets and books.
I might wonder, but I’d never ask. And I don’t judge anyone based on whetehr or not they have kids–that is just silly.
I work in the perinatal field and have learned through the years that many, many couples struggle with infertility. Questions like this must traumatize those people! I would never ask for that reason. I will also say that many people asked me when we were going to have them. You just don’t know people’s history so it is better not to ask.
I would never ask a casual acquaintance or a stranger about kids — I think that Brett’s “110% rule” is a great rule to live by! All of our friends without kids don’t have kids because they’re having fertility issues, and I would never risk raising such a topic with someone I don’t know anything about.
That said, yes, I suppose that I do wonder why people don’t have kids and perhaps I do judge them, but only to a certain extent. It’s so obvious from the comments above that the prevailing view about kids is that they are just one of many choices that one makes in life. Because of birth control, children aren’t taken on their own terms, i.e. the natural product of sexual relations. The attitude today is that “nothing should be demanded of me that I don’t want to be asked of me,” and kids, sadly, fall under this view. I think that this mindset is screwed up, but I also recognize that it’s just the way things are today. I’d rather that people who don’t want kids don’t have them, though I do think that kids can (though they don’t always) fundamentally alter one’s attitudes for the better. And for however much I may be judging people (though, as I said, while I have an opinion about this, I recognize that this is just how things are today), I feel that others judge me for being a “breeder.” And again, I fully recognize that people may have tried to have kids and simply couldn’t. Re: selfishness, I’m speaking more to a general cultural attitude than to anyone in particular. (Though so many childless people sound like nothing more than overgrown 8 year olds running around: “But I’m having so much fun!”)