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14 Tips for Keeping Your Childless Friends

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Are you worried that becoming a parent will cause you to lose your childless friends? Fear not! Follow these tips and you won’t lose a single buddy.

1. Don’t be surprised when your homey calls you “buzzin” at 12 am on a Friday night and is confused about how sleepy you sound.

2. Don’t assume that same friend will be awake or coherent when you call back to chat during Saturday morning cartoons.

3. Do remember that even though you and your girlfriend might both discuss how to deal with nipple chaffing, she didn’t get hers from nursing a teething baby.

4. Don’t say, “You’ll get it when you have kids.” She might not have kids. She might not get it. You can fight about it later.

5. Do be wary if your 30-year-old bachelor friend offers to take your adorable toddler to your “Mommy and Baby” yoga class.

6. Don’t invite single friends over for a BBQ unless they really enjoy playing whiffle ball and sipping from a keg filled with apple juice.

7. Don’t bring your kids to their BBQ unless you are ready to explain to your 5-year-old why he can’t have Jell-O shots.

8. Don’t pack your kid’s favorite red juice when going to your friend’s house because it WILL end up being poured or spilled on their white carpet, white sofa, or white dog (true story).

9. Do pack your kid’s food for the visit. Shockingly, most single grown-ups don’t have a freezer stocked with chicken nuggets and tater tots.

10. Do refrain from openly snorting when your friend explains how their non-existent kid will NEVER do blah blah blah (what your kid does).

11. Don’t look at them with envy when they recount all the places they’ve done the dirty in their apartment — including their walk in closet, kitchen counter, and the chair you are currently sitting on.

12. Do get out of the chair.

13. Do keep the laughter to a minimum when your friend tries to relate to your parenting woes by describing an interaction with her dog.

14. Don’t write detailed articles about your friends on popular parenting websites.

 

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