Kids, Manners and Boundaries: Do I Have To Kiss Grandma?
Young children should be taught to respect their physical space.
I caught a few minutes of Oprah yesterday as I was folding what felt like enough laundry to fill the shelves of a small department store. Winona Judd was discussing the scandal of her husband’s alleged child molestation charges, and she said something that caught my ear somewhere between socks and washcloths. While discussing the clarity that came from numerous therapy sessions, she said she utilizes the tools she learned in therapy to deal with her own children, everything from asking if they have time to talk to inquiring if she can give them a hug.
Winona is actively raising her kids differently than she was raised herself because when she was young she was forced to kiss everyone in her family, let any relative hug her, and there were little physical boundaries within the family. She wants to teach her kids that their body is their own and they do not have to do anything physical with anyone they don’t want to, including kissing or hugging relatives. As a child, she said she had to follow what she was told to do, and felt that she had no say over her own physical space, which over time lead her to feeling that she didn’t know who she was.
It’s true, growing up in the late 70s and early 80s, despite the feminist movement of that time, I, too was expected to readily give affection when I didn’t necessarily want to, be a good girl, and in general do things I didn’t want to do for the simple sake of pleasing others. It is the exact opposite of what I want for my children.
Interestingly enough, the rights of a child’s personal space has become a big issue among different generations, and particularly so during the holidays. My rule is that my kids must say hello and greet relatives, but they don’t have to kiss or hug them if they don’t want to. It’s not a matter of manners, but of boundaries. It is a good plan, until you get that one relative who demands they receive a kiss hello.
One Christmas, in the midst of the awkward “Give me a kiss” speech from a distant relative, my three-year-old frowned and looked down at the floor. I quickly jumped in and explained how I tell my daughter she has to say hello but she doesn’t have to kiss anyone if she doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but, of course, she was happy to see her. You would think I told this person that that her dog just died — and I killed it. When I look back, I wonder if I could have smoothed it over and not quite explained it all to a woman who clearly had an old school notion of children’s rights. Perhaps, I could have changed the subject and relieved my daughter of the obligation in a more subtle, if not completely honest way. But that would have taught my daughter that her right to set physical boundaries was somehow wrong.
Of course, we don’t want to insult anyone, particularly grandparents and other relatives. We want our kids to grow up feeling loved and be able to reciprocate that affection back to their family members, but on their own terms. As parents, it’s our job to teach our children how to take care of their own needs. Isn’t it safer when kids learn from the get-go that their body is their own?
According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, it is estimated that over 80,000 cases of child sex abuse take place every year in the U.S., and the majority of abusers are family friends and relatives. So it’s not only useful for kids to learn boundaries, it’s vital. The American Academy, in fact advises teaching kids that it is OK to not listen to adults all of the time. “Parents can prevent or lessen the chance of sexual abuse by teaching children that respect does not mean blind obedience to adults and to authority, for example, don’t tell children to, ‘Always do everything the teacher or baby-sitter tells you to do.’
The problem is that this advice goes against many of our upbringings so it seems offensive to our parents, our children’s grandparents. Yet as harsh as it may sound, adults (even those with old-fashioned ideas) need to focus on the child instead of themselves. Our kids are people with their own feelings and perceptions and need to be treated that way. I defy adults to go around ordering other adults to kiss and hug each other. That would naturally be unheard of…so why, I ask would we make our kids do it?
Awesome post Danielle. We’re with you. We don’t make our kids hug or kiss anyone they don’t want, though I hadn’t quite taken it out to the level that you had w/ regard to their body being their own and instilling in them safe boundaries that may benefit them in the future.
Good stuff.
Wonderful post. It’s something I’ve been thinking about, but haven’t had to deal with yet as my son isn’t expected to be consistently polite at 20 mos. It can be challenging to teach children how to be “polite” (especially in the eyes of older generations) while encouraging them to trust their instincts and protect their personal space. Thanks.
Thanks John. It can be such a difficult balance trying to please all involved, but in the end, we wanted to give our kids the tools they need to grow up safely.
And thanks Nicky’s mom. You’re right, 20 months is still very young. It became an issue for us when our daughter was about 3 and more was expected from her. It’s so hard but I think (and hope) that after explaining it, most people understand and don’t feel slighted.
I think you handled it fine. No one should be forced to hug and kiss someone if they don’t want to. It isn’t rude. The rudeness is coming from the person insisiting upon unwanted conact. I have two kids who are super cuddly and one who isn’t and I have no problem with all of them setting boundaries about their own bodies.
Thank you for this post. I’ve gone round and round with friends and family (even my husband) who expect my daughter to dutifully give goodnight and goodbye kisses. It is a big part of the culture here in Italy but kissing just isn’t my daughter’s thing. It clearly makes her uncomfortable, and I no longer feel I need to justify her behavior.
YES! I love this post, thank you, Danielle! I couldn’t agree with you more! And anyone who has a problem with it (it hasn’t come up so far because my family is VERY understanding and my daughter is very young and the second one, still not born) I will not hesitate to create an incredibly uncomfortable situation for them (not unlike the one they would be creating for my child). I feel passionately about this for a number of reasons, thanks for spreading the word.
Great (and very important) post!
I hear you Mumus! Even harder when instant affection is big in families. My family was kind of split.
Laura, the funny part is that I would endure things I don’t like for myself but not for my child, and being her advocate actually helped me be stronger in my own skin.
Thanks TC!
I LOVE this!
I grew up in a large Polish family and for our holiday event (40+ relatives) I would have to go around the room and kiss and hug everyone. My parents assume my children will do the same. And we do not force it. In fact my daughter hates being hugged by grandpa so much she screams and arches completely backwards and my parents seem to take no notice that she is uncomfortable, they laugh it off and force it anyway. We have been struggling with the balance and this is just what I needed to remind me. There needs to be no balance. If my children don’t want it the adults need to figure it out.
I perhaps would have erred on the side of politeness, and made a funny excuse for the kid, then later sat the kid down and explained that it was fine if she didn’t want kisses or hugs and that I had been silly about it to the relative to spare her feelings. She would then know that sparing people’s feelings is a nice thing, and you don’t have to give in to spare them, but maybe you could be nice about saying no.
Yes, I often think of the best way to accomplish keeping my kids happy and my relatives satisfied. It’s a fine balance that seems to change from person to person. But I agree, Melissa, the adults have to figure it out for themselves and have some level of understanding. It’s not always about them.
Great post!! I have taken some flack from family members about “spoiling” my son (2 years) but I have the same rule, you have to say hello but you don’t have to hug/kiss if you don’t want to. From very early I would ask him for a kiss, and if he said no, I’d say that’s fine- you don’t have to kiss anyone you don’t want to, not even mommy and daddy. I think it’s important to empower your children from early to be able to say no to adults.