Lady Gaga's New Song Can't Potty Train Toddlers But Her Older Stuff Can

Lady Gaga's the real deal.

I’m into Lady Gaga. And I take a lot of heat for it. But I really don’t care. Overexposed though she may be, she still comes off fresh and provocative. Uniquely unaffected. The real deal in an industry laden with posers. Regardless of whether or not you share my high opinion of Lady Gaga, one thing’s for sure. She’s got a new song out — “Born This Way.” And I’m sure that everyone will go, well, gaga over it. She seems to have the golden touch.

Yet despite that golden touch and despite the fact that I’m a big fan, “Born This Way” will never touch my personal Lady Gaga favorite. For it truly helped me potty train the triplets.

See, I went through this phase when I used to sing whatever it was I was doing to my toddlers. Truth be told, I still do it, but not as often because it’s usually greeted with a chorus of “NO”s. But before they grew weary of it, they took great delight in me signing songs to them. One night when Caroline was away, I was preparing dinner for my little guys and my spontaneous show began inadvertently as I handed them their sippy cups of milk while singing made up words to the Kiss anthem, “Lick It Up.”

Sippy cup. Sippy cup.
The lid’s on tight, now.
Sippy cup. Sippy cup.
Oooh yeah. Oooh yeah.

Sadly, I was nowhere near done. As I took their dinner out of the toaster oven, I noticed that it was very hot. Almost too hot to serve. So I thought I’d give them a friendly warning via Billy Idol’s “Hot in the City.”

Hot dinny-dinny.
Hot dinny-dinny tonight.
Hot dinny-dinny.
Hot dinny-dinny, s’alright.

Once dinner was behind us, I got the triplets out of their highchairs and instructed them to take a turn on the potty, but Jack refused to go (could he have been holding out for another song?). That’s when I turned to Lady Gaga herself, encouraging my child to get on with his bathroom duties via an altered version of “Paparazzi.”

Listen to your dad.
It’s time for you to use the potty.
I’m the
Potty Nazi.

It worked like a charm and the standoff was avoided. In fact, I sang that version of the song to each of my little ones from that point on, and they all delighted in it. And I’m not saying that Lady Gaga was responsible for getting all three of the triplets potty trained by age 2-1/2. But I am saying this. Try as she may, Lady Gaga will never write another song that means as much to me as “Paparazzi” simply because I turned it into a silly little potty training jingle.

OH. It should be noted that as Jack sat atop the potty that night tending to his business, he began dousing the bathroom floor. George Benson’s 80s classic “Turn Your Love Around” immediately popped into my mind.

Point your pee-pee down.
I can show you how.
Point your pee-pee down.
Gotta do it now.

So Lady Gaga’s got a little competition when it comes to the potty training department.

Image: Wikipedia

John Cave Osborne’s personal blog.
John Cave Osborne’s book website.

Article Posted 5 years Ago
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