Before you had kids you vowed you’d never become one of those people who always talked about your kids. Then you popped the little buggers out and realized your kids were the only thing you had to talk about since they were dominating your entire life. Wanna-be Hip Parents get around this two ways:
1) Drenching kid talk in snark,
“Man, my kid is such a butthole. And holy hell does he suck at Peek-a-Boo.”
2) Then there’s the crowd stories of shame and embarrassment, of which kids just happen to be a never ending fount. Everyone loves enjoying your misery, and in that spirit Parentdish put together a collection of the most embarrassing kid stories.
“We were at the golf course where Daddy was playing a round. I took my eyes off my son, 3, for a minute to scan the course. When I looked back, he had dropped his shorts and was peeing into the little golf ball cup in the middle of a green! Perfect aim, of course. I’m sure whoever was up next to golf that hole had an interesting round!”
“When my son was 15 months old, he was really into elephants and trumpeting like an elephant while raising his arm like the trunk every time he saw one. We were on a walk one day, and a large woman was walking past us; my son raised his arm and trumpeted like he saw an elephant.”
“I was a single mom with my first child. I had been dating a guy for a bit and decided to let him meet my son, who was about 2½ years old at the time. The guy was in the middle of talking to him and my son asked, “Why are your teeth the color of mustard?”
“We have a new baby on the way, and I was explaining to our 2½-year-old son that babies don’t eat food like us, they drink milk from mama. One day at day care, as his provider knelt down to give him his goodbye hugs and kiss, instead of hugging he yanked the top of her shirt down, grabbed her boob, and said, ‘Baby milk?’”
That kid is going places when he grows up. Places like jail.